Sorry that you are struggling so hard,
@Zora. I am with other on this about suicide ideation. If you are at that point, do pick up the hot line, go to ER, or whatever your city can provide to help people in dire crisis.
We are trying hard to save you here on TT but you are the one who has to believe that tinnitus is not everything in your life. Most of us had suicidal thoughts, some repeatedly but very few would do it. Why? Because T is not an end game. It seems like it at the start. Why I know it? Because most of us, myself included, had thought that no way in hell is our T survivable from our initial T trauma. But we now know it is a big lie from the T bully. Many of us prove that we can live a normal or even a happy life again after some time. That is why we are talking to you to let you know because we have walked the talk. Let me share my experience below on how I dealt with my suicidal ideations during the toughest and darkest time when ultra high pitch T & severe H plus relentless anxiety and panic attacks overwhelmed me.
I am someone who has been converted to the power of positivity. So suicide is not something I like to talk and dwell on. But since this is a serious subject here and a dear member's life is at risk, I will reveal my own story a bit about the subject and hopefully it will help someone to change his/her mind about doing the unthinkable. This is a personal thing and I don't mean what I feel or believe means anything to anybody else. People are free to choose what they think is best for them.
A few years ago when severe T & H hit me suddently, like some severely struggling members, I was entertaining some very dark thoughts too at the beginning, because it was not only the severe T & H which haunted me daily, but also the relentless anxiety and panic attacks triggered by T & H and the PTSD I suffered due to witnessing the tragic accident of my only son at 5 years of age. He literally died in my arm. So my nerves were weak before T and depression was never too far. So T&H plus relentless panic attacks & depression are absolutely horrible. When these negative emotions and sensations came on auto mode daily, sometimes hourly, and my will power failing to stop them, the only option for me was drugs. I thought if drugs could not stop the attacks, then I would be most likely a dead man, to the point that I decided to check out the stories of people with near death experience due to suicide. There are many of such stories. You may want to check out youtube by searching on 'near death experience by suicide' to hear from those who came back to tell their horror stories on the other side.
So from that I came to the conclusion that I would rather soldier on, as hard and impossible as it may be. Being a Christian, I consider not just this life, but what may come next. I would rather endure a temporary hell and give my body time, as much time as it needs, to be able to handle the horrible sensations. I read the stories of Dr. Nagler, Kevin Hogan, Paul Tobey, and members of various tinnitus forums, and saw that many of them take some time to turn around, 6 months, a year or a few years.
So I formed my own 5-year plan. I thought anything which can hurt me so bad that I have to think about doing the unthinkable better prove that it can continue to hurt me 5 years continuously before I concur and submit to its will. I need to fight back at least and not bow to this bully. But before that 5 years are up, I wouldn't care less what the darn thing would do my body. I would live as abundantly as I can, ignoring the pains, worries, horror sensations, drugged if I had to be, and I would live my life as I will, as I please. Some call this approach of living 'Find Joy Amid the Pain'. And let's see if I live like that, co-existing with the sufferings, that my life would still be not worth living. I bought "The Power of Now" from Eckart Tolle to learn the idea of being transparent to sufferings, and develop my own concept of being a compost to benefit my love ones,lol. I was armouring myself up for the long battle with sufferings, at least for 5 years. Also, who knows in 5 years, the medical world may catch up on us and as you see there are now a few viable treatments out there.
After 5 years, if nothing improves and the medical world still can't stop my sufferings, I would embrace the ideas of climbing Mt. Everest, or trekking to the North Pole, or doing sky diving or biking around the world, or wading across a flooding river while fishing or venturing & surviving in the wilderness in our wild Canada. Yes, I would do dangerous stuffs I would never thought doing (like Rose of the Titanic, LOL). Whatever power wanted to take me, it would have to do it this way, with me taking risk but enjoying my life doing things I love to do or doing things I never dare doing before, and not with me kneeling, begging for mercy or crying to no end to this T bully.
That is just me and my way of dealing with the darkest time in my life and I imply in no way that is the right or wrong way of dealing with this. This is very personal and I wouldn't reveal this kind of secret thinking without an important reason. But if it helps some of the suicidal members here to change their minds, so be it. It will be all worth it. But honestly, in my case, the T bully couldn't hold up its tyranny on me for 5 years, not with me living abundantly regardless of T and practising 'finding joy amid the pains', my new motto. T is now just a paper tiger. The dog whistle is still there but I don't give a damn. I live my life a happy man, whistling merrily along the way and the heck with T. It can go to hell. I kick its A*&$#SS. Here is my success story. Please read through it and see if it can help you in some way. Take good care. God bless and whisper peace to your troubling heart.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
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