@Sen
"the universe hates you and wants you dead"?
There are a lot of gloomy posts here, and a lot of hopelessness.
Clearly this forum is a place to ventilate one's worst thoughts. Don't forget all the success stories, all the modalities
that can help bring change, all the people around you who would like to support you through this.
For me, don't forget there is a God who loves you, even if you can't see it right now. Talk to Him to and ask Him for a divine strategy from above on how to deal with this, what to do next, etc. Go to a church every week (or 3x wk) and ask for prayer. Listen to the Bible preached. Get involved in a Bible study/prayer group. Only watch inspirational programs and listen to inspirational music.
When you get to the end of your rope, look up. I pray He walks with, guides, and comforts each of us in this path, and gives us His wisdom.