@jdjd09
I have lurked on TinnitusTalk for a couple of months. I eventually planned to maybe join. YOU are the one who has prompted me to come forth.
First, a note to the ENTIRE forum. I hereby declare my infinite and boundless gratitude for this entire community, its caring, its helpfulness, its honesty, its moderators who keep it going, its posters who take their time to disseminate an amazing resource of information, and its "fellow" sufferers, who share their pain, their fears, their anxieties in such a raw and honest way (tinnitus has a way of opening the honesty floodgates, huh? and breaking down these foolish cultural facades we've all incorporated to one degree or another as we go through life). This place is … HELPFUL.
Me? Yes, I have it. Yes, I've suffered. Yes, I'm coping, and hoping. But this post is not about me and this tinnitus, which, though it can some days eclipse most everything, is and always will be the merest sliver of who I am. That said … all hard things that happen to us can, over time and with attention, become agents of positive change if we work with them.
And, THAT said, if I could be the one to push the button and make THIS affliction disappear from the cosmos forevermore, well, I'll be first in that line, and I'd beat an Olympic runner to get there. So, silver lining and all, I am not here to Pollyanna or gloss over the hurtfulness of all this.
Okay, now, jdjd09, YOU are who I am here for in this, my opening post. I have been reading you for a few weeks now, and you have crawled into my heart and stuck there. I would like to reach across this internet screen and enfold you in a fierce motherly hug such as you may seldom or never have really known. I am, for the record, old enough to be your mother. Also, for the record, I believe that we are ALL ONE and ALL HERE FOR EACH OTHER. Let's dispense with "family as genetic ties" here and just all exist in the grace of our shared humanity.
Yes, jdjd09, here is my hug. Please stop your non-stop mind for thirty seconds and KNOW that people care about you. No, they might not be right on your doorstep, but they are "out there" and right here. They are also, most definitely, in your future, if not in your actual present.
But like any destination, you will have to walk along a path to "get there." And then there are more paths, and more "theres" and THAT is LIFE. (See my forum name; I have experience with travelling and making paths. Some were QUITE painful. I am now in a place of exquisite happiness that is nothing like what the cultural "norms" define "happiness" to be. I am just … in a state of loving gratitude and contentedness AMIDST the storms.)
Anyway, what has called me to you, jdjd09, is something you've shared again and again that I haven't seen picked up on in the many helpful replies here. You keep saying that you have come from an abusive family situation, have worked hard to get away from that, to get your life on track. Well, I did too. Tolstoy is famous for saying that all happy families share the same reasons for being happy, but that each unhappy family has its own specific reasons for the unhappiness (paraphrased). So it's not necessary to get into the specifics of "abusive." Let's just say, from me to you, that YES, I DO understand the specific loneliness and agony of growing up in an unloved and daily emotionally painful place.
In my late 20s (exactly how old you are now), with a college degree and a good job, I was finally living on my own in an apartment and thinking "all will be well now." And then, I got struck with all these strange neurological symptoms that threw me into a DEVASTATING emotional tailspin the likes of which … well, what you are feeling now.
There was, however, no diagnosis. Out of sheer desperation, I began to see a psychologist who was billed as a "Health Psychologist" - his practice was dedicated to helping people cope with chronic conditions. And to keep this short(er),
what happened to me is that over the next eight years, with a still-undiagnosed and gradually disappearing symptomology (no more neuro symptoms now), I talked and talked and talked and cried and cried and cried and learned and learned and learned and changed and changed and changed and grew and grew and grew.
Instead of discussing the health things, what REALLY came out was the need to work through the manifold issues of my entire childhood and what growing up in that environment did to my spirit.
And, over time, like a garden that continually needs weeding and pruning and caring (like all gardens, like all lives), I DID recover. I became more of who I really am, and more free, and happier, and less anxious, and better functioning in the world.
It didn't happen overnight. Nothing ever does.
Here is a crucial thing I learned, and I address it DIRECTLY to you, jdjd09, because I want you to know it and to be brave and keep up the good fight at the same time: EVEN THOUGH WE WORK HARD TO "GET THERE," THERE ISN'T EVER A PERFECT "THERE" TO GET TO. Life is a non-stop road of the good and the bad all mixed up. It is a RIVER - it flows through you EVERY DAY and brings the good, the bad, and the good again.
This is why we MUST HANG IN THERE.
Sometimes, we can reclaim a shitty day just by going for a walk and smiling at a stranger, petting their dog, returning home for tea and a nap. Then go to bed, get up again after sleeping, feel different. Maybe … better?
You, jdjd09, in all your rantings here, are showing all your feelings honestly. Sometimes it may be frustrating to some people who are posting a lot to try to help you. I get that. But I also understand that when I was seeing my psychologist in my brokenness and pain and confusion, he was willing to listen to me rant and cry, over and over again, while assisting me gently and sometimes more brusquely, toward recovering and getting better and getting out of the pit.
He never let me stay in self-pity without honestly pointing it out, but he also was very supportive of the very real pain and confusion that were part of that pit (pain is real and not ALL self-pity).
What I am DEEPLY hoping for you, and I BELIEVE YOU CAN, is that more than any hearing cure or anything else, you start to take the steps (many of which you have shown you ALREADY CAN, JUST BY SURVIVING YOUR CHILDHOOD, GETTING THROUGH SCHOOL, PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON A GOOD TRACK) along the continuing path of recovering yourself and being the best jdjd09 (insert your given name here
) you came here to planet earth to BE.
You DID come here for a reason, didn't you? Are you here to learn? To grow? To survive some painful situations so that you can learn about yourself by growing through them and then ultimately to alchemize that pain into an informed inner beauty so that you can benefit not only yourself but … others? <<—- (the secret of life, revealed!)
Yes, jdjd09, you DID come to earth for that. We all did. There are those who know it, those who suspect it and strive for it, and those who, unfortunately, ignore it forever.
YOU are not someone who is ignoring it. You are CRYING OUT for it.
The reason you are fighting, so hard, some of the advice on this forum, and for proof of an eventual cure for a situation you find untenable, is BECAUSE you have self-esteem (however fragile). That is what I paid BIG BUCKS to find out from my psychologist all those years ago. It's yours from me today, free
.
But.
You've got to take that fight to a better level. You have to up your game. DESPITE the fact that you have struggled so hard to get to where you are and "now it's all gone to pieces" (to paraphrase you from earlier postings), DESPITE the fact that "you are only 28," you HAVE to up your game.
Remember, there is no "there" where life is perfect that any of us ever gets to. It is ALWAYS that river, changing, evolving, cycling us through good and bad and etcetera.
Does it look like some people get much better deals than other people?
This is a common thought to anyone suffering. It is a normal human thought. But it is JUST a thought. Yes, lots of people DO get "better deals." And lots of people DON'T. And ax murderers can have perfect tinnitus-less health. And beautiful souls can come down with dread diseases. And etc.
IT'S NOT THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<—multiple exclamation points exercise my typing fingers
The point, for ANY of us, is to BE who WE are. Live YOUR life. Live YOUR journey. All the rest of thinking like "why ME" is COMPLETELY WASTED ENERGY.
DON'T do that!!!!
As to "only being 28," I will give you a big hug AND some firm love on this one. Here is a secret: We are all conditioned in our society about what are expectations about "normal." Here is the society definition: NORMAL: """You are physically able and can walk and talk and hear and see and think well. You grow up, get a well-paying job, find love, get married, have some "normal" children. Have a house. Two cars. Vacations. Your health. Save enough for retirement << hah!. Retire and live for twenty years playing golf. Die. The ("normal") end."""
Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do NOT embrace "normal" as the ONLY norm. Sure, all that is nice and most of us are lucky enough to get some if not all of it, to some degree.
But, there are MANY who have VERY different (non-"normal") lives and live them well. REALLY well. BEAUTIFULLY well.
jdjd09, I want you to live a life BEAUTIFULLY well. I would like to see you get on that road, your own personal path toward more light, once you confront this particular dark night of your soul. I want to see you ALCHEMIZE your pain into something stronger, better, and more whole. You can become MORE WHOLE even by (usually ESPECIALLY by) incorporating the elements of your brokenness. That is how the BEST humans always have and always will become GREAT.
I could list hundreds of examples, of the famous and the unheard of. But you can do that yourself. How about making a daily sport of, besides looking at hearing sites, googling phrases like "people who have overcome hardship, disease, etc. and are now thriving." I guarantee you will "meet" and learn from many.
I guarantee you will grow. You can. I know you can. That's why you are here, reading this.
When you hear that phrase, "It is what it is," well, it's true. The very fact that I, a 53-year-old person who has already gone through so much before you even EXISTED, and is now reaching out to you through a computer screen sharing stuff I learned before the internet even worked, is evidence. I was meant to type this to you. You were meant to read it.
And you were meant to experience whatever you are experiencing.
What are you going to do with it?
What are you going to DO with it?
Here: I have worked with children with disabilities for thirty years. So, forget the fact that you are "28 and too young" to deal with this. That you had a "normal" life and now don't.
As I see it, this is one of your chief obstacles toward getting to the next stage of this.
I have worked with people who have died at age four. Or how about the fifteen year old boy who asked me did I believe in heaven and God (because he was going there soon - muscular dystrophy). Or the girl who was born with little misshapen hands growing out of her shoulders, no arms, legs bent backwards and skin on back of thighs fused to back of calves, about ten thousand surgeries all through her childhood, and she is … get ready … drumroll … one of the most NORMAL people I know. (And here I use the word "normal" as a glorious adjective of dignity and grace and great sense of humor and spunk, because that is her.). Just a really good person, lots of fun, 27 years old now, leading her life.
I could give you a million examples.
You can go find them yourself.
But what you can really do, is, in your own privacy, re-confront your hard life, and see into your own soul, and KNOW that you HAVE the necessary elements (strength of spirit, intelligence, your own brand of spunk <<—- I have seen ALL of these in your posts) to CONTINUE on your UNIQUE PERSONAL JOURNEY and CONTINUE to be the best person you can be.
It's not over yet. Not by a LONGSHOT. And that neurological symptomology that I thought was going to kill me in my twenties? Nope. Never did. Here I am. Glad to be here.
I am sending you LOOOOOOOOOOOVE, jdjd09.
You're gonna get there. Our lives are magical journeys. When you feel so much cycling negative thinking, like circles and circles of thoughts that go around and around and threaten to send you deeper, BE AN ARROW. Be an arrow that FLIES out of that negative circle, go for a walk, go get ice cream, make yourself smile at a few strangers, go volunteer in a soup kitchen, anything that floats your boat. And even if you don't feel immediately magically better, hold a lantern out for yourself, miles down the path, to light your way and greet you when you arrive to a happier place.
Because, jdjd09, if you set out walking on that path, you will get there.