How Will I Ever Have a Social Life Again?

[linearb]

Can I ask how your find quiet bars? It seems like everyone I go to has really noisy music or noise.

Look for places that 30-40somethings congregate, mostly :-p easier for me since I'm in my mid 30s, at this point a number of my peers without tinnitus complain about the noise levels in youngster bars.

That said, you just have to experiment. Places that are less than half full with light piano music will be a lot quieter than crowded Rick bars. I still get dragged to the latter sometimes; earplugs!

 

[linearb]

If you're not already in a committed relationship, in some ways that makes things easier. There are plenty of women who like to read or hike or whatever.

 

[jdjd09]

If you're not already in a committed relationship, in some ways that makes things easier. There are plenty of women who like to read or hike or whatever.

Yeah, but it seems like single people in 20s go to bars and clubs...do you ever see people in 20s hanging around your bars? I just don't know what to think anymore...how I will ever meet anyone else like this.

 

[jdjd09]

As a person who was never into bars and clubs, I can offer this:

There is a whole world of far more interesting things to do (and therefore, people to meet who are doing these interesting things) that has NOTHING to do with going out on the weekend to a place saturated with noise, screaming, and drinking.

That is just one version of socializing that is offered up by our cultures (and I'm not bashing it for those who really do love clubbing - I have a terrific cousin who lives for this! ).

But there are tons of other things to do and ways to meet people, where you can actually even hear yourself talk and think. Hiking groups. Sports teams. Volunteer activities. Classes. Interest groups. Etc.

I made a whole world for myself over my lifetime to present, with stuff like that.

Haven't set foot in a club in decades.

It's a giant world. Go for it.

@Path Maker , it sounds like you did go to clubs in your 20s though, no? I mean, do you see other places many people meet and date in there 20s outside clubs or bars? AKA, where they meet?

I just don't know how to be positive right now. The potential rejection of the date may be doing this...but IDK if it is that. However, socializing is an issue for me right now with all this. I'm going to sleep at parents house so I don't kill myself tonight. If I stay alone in this apartment tonight, I may kill myself.

 

[bill 112]

May ask what makes you continue?

Honestly I don't know why I even bother to continue anymore,I've gotten worse three times now and I feel I'm near the end of my rope.Hope is what keeps me going,just hope.

I don't get disability

I don't work at the moment

He doesn't unless it's a nightclub etc.

 

[bill 112]

And what do you mean by"what makes you continue"?

Are you asking me what gets me through the day or are you asking me why do I bother staying alive any longer?I'm just not very comfortable with that question.

 

[bill 112]

If you want to know what gives me hope it's this

-Doing Chi-Kung with Kevin Barry

-My planned Stemcell therapy

-LLLT that I'm ordering tomorrow

 

[Path Maker]

@Path Maker , it sounds like you did go to clubs in your 20s though, no? I mean, do you see other places many people meet and date in there 20s outside clubs or bars? AKA, where they meet?

I just don't know how to be positive right now. The potential rejection of the date may be doing this...but IDK if it is that. However, socializing is an issue for me right now with all this. I'm going to sleep at parents house so I don't kill myself tonight. If I stay alone in this apartment tonight, I may kill myself.

jdjd09 - Actually, I went to clubs a bit in my 20s (not much - I hated them!) just because of the social pressure that "that's what people do." And then one day, I woke up and said to myself, "Yeah, but that's not who I am and it's not what I do." So I stopped. I met some nice guys thorough singles ads. I met some nice guys here and there while taking classes. I met people when I did join a hiking club.

As for rejection, it is universal, happens to every single person, and the sooner you can depersonalize that, the better. I know it hurts (believe me, I KNOW). But it can happen for a million reasons and you've just gotta keep moving on.

I still say to you, that more than anything else right now, you need a caring, present HUMAN to LISTEN to you. That's also a universal need. If it can't be your family or a friend (and often it's better if it's NOT), then if you can find a counselor, do it. You won't be sorry.

We humans need to be heard. There is nothing wrong with paying a counselor. Mine used to remind me that yes, of course I was paying (because he needed to feed his kids too, but that "you can pay for the service, but you can't buy the caring." Many counselors really care about the people they are helping. You need someone to care for you, face to face.

And you're putting too much pressure on yourself with the dating. If the social skills is something you want to work on, just go help some people. Practice listening to people at work or other places. With no agenda, except to care. Because that's the kind of thing - kindness, listening, caring - that's going to turn a girl on to you in a real way.

All this "cool" "macho" "knows just what to say and how clever" stuff that you find in bars is not the real thing.

Be real. Learn to love your own soul and to trust that someone else will see that in you.

And hang in there.

Sending hugs. Take CARE of yourself.

 

[jdjd09]

And what do you mean by"what makes you continue"?

Are you asking me what gets me through the day or are you asking me why do I bother staying alive any longer?I'm just not very comfortable with that question.

I guess what keeps you getting up and living life I guess. I guess one could interpret that as staying alive. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable so please don't answer that if it does. Wasn't my intention to make you feel bad.

 

[jdjd09]

If you want to know what gives me hope it's this

-Doing Chi-Kung with Kevin Barry

-My planned Stemcell therapy

-LLLT that I'm ordering tomorrow

Can I ask where you will get stem cell treatment? Does it work for T and hearing loss too potentially? If you would like to say of course. Or you can PM if you want.

Also, what lllt device are you getting? I am considering one...but idk if it will work or if it's too late at this point even ifbi did it.

 

[bill 112]

Can I ask where you will get stem cell treatment? Does it work for T and hearing loss too potentially? If you would like to say of course. Or you can PM if you want.

Also, what lllt device are you getting? I am considering one...but idk if it will work or if it's too late at this point even ifbi did it.

Feel free to PM me Jdjd

 

[jdjd09]

jdjd09 - Actually, I went to clubs a bit in my 20s (not much - I hated them!) just because of the social pressure that "that's what people do." And then one day, I woke up and said to myself, "Yeah, but that's not who I am and it's not what I do." So I stopped. I met some nice guys thorough singles ads. I met some nice guys here and there while taking classes. I met people when I did join a hiking club.

As for rejection, it is universal, happens to every single person, and the sooner you can depersonalize that, the better. I know it hurts (believe me, I KNOW). But it can happen for a million reasons and you've just gotta keep moving on.

I still say to you, that more than anything else right now, you need a caring, present HUMAN to LISTEN to you. That's also a universal need. If it can't be your family or a friend (and often it's better if it's NOT), then if you can find a counselor, do it. You won't be sorry.

We humans need to be heard. There is nothing wrong with paying a counselor. Mine used to remind me that yes, of course I was paying (because he needed to feed his kids too, but that "you can pay for the service, but you can't buy the caring." Many counselors really care about the people they are helping. You need someone to care for you, face to face.

And you're putting too much pressure on yourself with the dating. If the social skills is something you want to work on, just go help some people. Practice listening to people at work or other places. With no agenda, except to care. Because that's the kind of thing - kindness, listening, caring - that's going to turn a girl on to you in a real way.

All this "cool" "macho" "knows just what to say and how clever" stuff that you find in bars is not the real thing.

Be real. Learn to love your own soul and to trust that someone else will see that in you.

And hang in there.

Sending hugs. Take CARE of yourself.

I don't know what I want anymore. I staying at parents house as I geniunly was going to kill myself tonight possibly. I won't do it at there house.

I'm getting off medication as I'm pretty sure it's messing with my sex drive per say as side effect. But stress didn't helping either.

Its been four months. I was doing in but then this happened. I thought I found someone who would enjoy not going to clubs...sigh. Idk.

 

[Lazypugfilms]

I've had T and I still do most things. I don't really watch movies as much as I used to but I don't mind going out. As long as it isn't a club I'm not that worried

 

[bill 112]

And to answer your other question hope is what keeps me living,nothing else but a goal I've set for myself and I'll die trying to achieve it if I have to.

 

[Path Maker]

I don't know what I want anymore. I staying at parents house as I geniunly was going to kill myself tonight possibly. I won't do it at there house.

I'm getting off medication as I'm pretty sure it's messing with my sex drive per say as side effect. But stress didn't helping either.

Its been four months. I was doing in but then this happened. I thought I found someone who would enjoy not going to clubs...sigh. Idk.

And to answer your other question hope is what keeps me living,nothing else but a goal I've set for myself and I'll die trying to achieve it if I have to.

jdjd09 - HOPE. Hang on. Four months is very little time in the scheme of things. Time is your ally. Life is a river. Keep standing in it and watch it flow. Every day is something new. If you aren't in the river, you can't experience what is coming.

Tonight you sound tired. After some sleep, things always look brighter. Consider also that Xanax and those other drugs can cause bad feelings. You may have to wean off it, though. Please do this with a doctor, and not by yourself.

If you got through all those other bad moments of the past four months, then you can get through this and more. You can also find someone. Just don't put a "demand" pressure on it though. None of us can "make" the "one" just show up on our schedule. Tricky thing, romance and love. It's like sales, though. Every "no" means you are one more step along the path to the "yes" or the person you will eventually find.

Wish I could offer more than that for now, but I think deep down you know the truth of it.

You are also a pretty decent guy! You care about people here, are sorry when you might inadvertently say something that causes another some upset, always come back and say that you didn't mean to hurt someone, etc. You have a lot of good in you and deep down you know that too.

Don't let this hard time along your path overshadow all the rest of you and your life's journey. Just hang in there and ride it out. Ride loosely in the saddle of life, adapting and being flexible with the bumps on the path. If you are rigid when you ride, that's when you break and sprain things. Stay loose, roll with it, let the painful stuff go, keep your eyes and heart on the good, and stay the course. Okay?

 

[Purple Parrot]

Continue socialising as you did before. This will help you with your recovery and habituation. Get some custom earplugs made (musician's plugs are amazing) and rock them whenever you feel it's too noisy.

I have a decibel reader app on my iPhone and I will measure the noise levels. If it's too noisy, I will leave the venue or if I hang around, I will put earplugs in. I keep earplugs in my wallet.

You have to live your life and don't let tinnitus anxiety get in the way!

 

[Sara_Bond]

clubbing/partying its a bit tricky when its kind of my thing. I think it started it maybe a fully developed (mine was through oxotoxic damage so i don't think the damage had fully revealed itself until september 2015 3/4 and its now maybe a 5/6 got a loud tonal noise in my right ear plus high pitch sound in both ears and then a low buzz in my head.

Wow you sound so optimistic as I think we have the same level of tinnitus (I have H, too). Maybe the fact that I'am a bit older than you makes fell less optimistic. I really look up to these kind of way of life. Enjoy without monitoring my T every second. You shouldbe proud of yourself. I wish I have a mild T, I swear i will be such in a better place.

 

[jdjd09]

Continue socialising as you did before. This will help you with your recovery and habituation. Get some custom earplugs made (musician's plugs are amazing) and rock them whenever you feel it's too noisy.

I have a decibel reader app on my iPhone and I will measure the noise levels. If it's too noisy, I will leave the venue or if I hang around, I will put earplugs in. I keep earplugs in my wallet.

You have to live your life and don't let tinnitus anxiety get in the way!

That is the problem...I wasn't really socializing. I was working and studying for school and exhausted all the time thanks to noisy nrighbor. Anyhow...now I finally have free time to socialize I have this...but really most people only socialize at bars here...so yeah. Idk what to do.

Plus, while I can function with few friends ibhavw here, it's been so long since I have gone out that I really get anxiety going anywhere to specifically socialize. So this with hearing loss and t is bad.

 

[jdjd09]

jdjd09 - HOPE. Hang on. Four months is very little time in the scheme of things. Time is your ally. Life is a river. Keep standing in it and watch it flow. Every day is something new. If you aren't in the river, you can't experience what is coming.

Tonight you sound tired. After some sleep, things always look brighter. Consider also that Xanax and those other drugs can cause bad feelings. You may have to wean off it, though. Please do this with a doctor, and not by yourself.

If you got through all those other bad moments of the past four months, then you can get through this and more. You can also find someone. Just don't put a "demand" pressure on it though. None of us can "make" the "one" just show up on our schedule. Tricky thing, romance and love. It's like sales, though. Every "no" means you are one more step along the path to the "yes" or the person you will eventually find.

Wish I could offer more than that for now, but I think deep down you know the truth of it.

You are also a pretty decent guy! You care about people here, are sorry when you might inadvertently say something that causes another some upset, always come back and say that you didn't mean to hurt someone, etc. You have a lot of good in you and deep down you know that too.

Don't let this hard time along your path overshadow all the rest of you and your life's journey. Just hang in there and ride it out. Ride loosely in the saddle of life, adapting and being flexible with the bumps on the path. If you are rigid when you ride, that's when you break and sprain things. Stay loose, roll with it, let the painful stuff go, keep your eyes and heart on the good, and stay the course. Okay?

@Path Maker , thanks again for all your writing. I do appreciate it even if seems I don't. I am cycling off of it and know how to do this on my own. I have done it a long time back once before. I guess when I "normal" come back? When does ones life become "normal" statistically usually? As in, life basically operates like before? 6-12 months maybe on average?

I am really curious as I don't know when or what to expect. Also, I don't know how much I should be protecting my hearing from now on.

 

[jdjd09]

Feel free to PM me Jdjd

Ok I will PM you.

 

[Path Maker]

@Path Maker , thanks again for all your writing. I do appreciate it even if seems I don't. I am cycling off of it and know how to do this on my own. I have done it a long time back once before. I guess when I "normal" come back? When does ones life become "normal" statistically usually? As in, life basically operates like before? 6-12 months maybe on average?

I am really curious as I don't know when or what to expect. Also, I don't know how much I should be protecting my hearing from now on.

@jdjd09 I haven't posted much here about my own struggles with tinnitus, but they are real. I've had it since December. And gone through all the typical upset when it was "new" and all the reactions of grief and fear and anxiety and anger and etc. And of course I'm still upset - certainly not jumping for joy that, "Yay! I have tinnitus!" <<--definitely NOT saying that

But, yeah. The hyper-emotional reactivity is starting to soften. The days are getting more "normal" feeling again, in an on-again, off-again kind of way. SOME of that "sort-of-return-to-normal" is DEFINITELY coming because I personally am "letting go" a bit more. As soon as I re-entered and re-engaged in what I liked and what was/still is the "normal" parts of my daily life, the emotional negative part of this began to soften. Of course I am still upset that this is here, and of course I am focused on doing everything I can to make it better. But with just the tiniest bit of letting go of the unhelpful parts of the emotional reactivity, there was a huge sense of the more-relaxed "normal" which just returned, like it was waiting in the wings for me to calm down and welcome it back.

This is not the best comparison, but it sort of works: The tinnitus kind of becomes like one of those days when my longstanding left sinus headache flares up. Whenever that happens, I know that the day will suck a bit until I ride out that headache pain. But I continue to do my day, do fun stuff, go to work, etc. I'm aware of the sinus headache, but I don't give it ALL the real estate in my thoughts. It's just a PART of the day, not the ONLY thing.

As soon as I backed off from my hypervigilance with the tinnitus, I sent it to the "part, but not ALL" of my day status.

And then the more "normal" stuff had room to stand up and move back in. And it feels better. Not perfect, but better.

So yes, 5 months, 6 months, 8 months, a year. I think you can relax into it more, and yes, your regular "normal" is still there. It can live alongside the tinnitus/hearing thing. You WILL feel better when you can roll with this.

 

[Kane Moffat]

Theres definatly a balance you need to have between doing what you want to do and 100 percent looking after your ears. Get some plugs abd youll be fine. Anyway heres a photo to sgow you life doesnt have to be over just be sensible protect your ears make your guidlines of what you will and wont do and stick to them.

 

[Filip]

Bro I gotchu holdon let me think... okay, so you say social life suck doesn't mean to give in to life, but instead get life to give in to you. You gotta squeeze everything out life to enjoy again life. You should try new things like sports, or go volunteer at some place like shelters. Go walk in forest or say hi to your nieghbor for once. Just go stroll out and say hey to anyone even thought it might seem awkward and they might think your wierd doesn't mean you should give up in life because you don't fit in with the crowd. You should be your own person and start trends and to not follow the rules and to keep fighting because you stop than someone else takes your place in life.

 

[Jomo]

@Kane Moffat

looking good there man lol

back to the topic... dont let this bring you down...internet dating is big nowadays....im surprised your not tindering it up lol The bar/club scene has been over for a while for me now that im in my 30s and am engaged but if i was you i would become an internet pimp lol A few of my friends have had some nice success doing internet dating and are either engaged or married. Its def not easy but dating is not an easy thing to begin with.

 

[squeek]

Hiking groups

I like the sound of that, at least on quieter days. Like many here I've had to leave social interaction in the u-bend. I believe there's orienteering groups out there too. I'll have to give it a try.

Nice idea. Thanks.

 

[squeek]

@Path Maker , The potential rejection of the date may be doing this...but IDK if it is that. However, socializing is an issue for me right now with all this. I'm going to sleep at parents house so I don't kill myself tonight. If I stay alone in this apartment tonight, I may kill myself.

Talk to your female friends. For many girls, one of their favourite hobbies is match-making. Let them do all the work. They love it. Just impress upon them that you need someone who will be accommodating to your needs.