I Admit, It's Killing Me

A

Apocalypse77

Member
Author
May 9, 2017
387
Tinnitus Since
6/8/2016
Cause of Tinnitus
Acoustic trauma (go-kart racing)
#1
"Life is like a coin. Pleasure and pain are the two sides, Only one side is visible at time, but remeber other side also waiting for its turn." I used to believe this for many years. Almost one year ago I completely ruined my life. I made only fucking one mistake and I have to pay it for the rest if my life. It's not fair I had my whole life ahead of me.

Today I admitted that it is killing me. Spikes after spikes, pain after pain. I try to protect my hearing as well as I can but I still get these spikes. I have prayed many times for god to save me from this hell. But it never ends.

I have realized that both sides of the coin can be hell.
 
#3
I feel you man i got T at the same time as you and I can't believe that just one mistake could wipe all my positive outlook on life...
But don't waste your time praying a God that have no individuality like, the universe can't understand personally your claims and help you. You can remain spiritual it can help you but you need to begin your grief.
I started feeling a little bit better when, after a long time, I began accepting my condition and work around it
It's not easy to do but you will never have mindfull rest time if you fight against it and yes it will kill us if we continue ''fighting it'' mentally.
 
#4
Stop praying and start changing your attitude. My experience is do NOT protect your hearing from everything below 75db that does make things worse. You ears are NOT in danger with normal noise.

Tinnitus is a burden but ruining your life is often your own choice. Yes it is damn hard to deal with it but there are people who help you if you allow it.

Find ways to deal with it, if there are none try to create ways. But having this attitude that Tinnitus is horrible just makes things worse. I know it is f**** to accept it .. but it is worth it and you climb a huge mountain not by jumping to the top...

Take one small step at a t time and you get there. Do not be afraid to ask for help either.

ALl the best Wojtek
 
#5
And I apologize if hard words may hurt you never my intention. Always just trying to help.

But sometimes it is good to get a wake up call. Feeling pity about oneself always makes things worse.

You wrote you completely ruined your life and you have to pay for it for the rest of your life ...
if that is your believe, that becomes your reality ... I would no go for that version

Think about amazing things you can do, about a possibility that it will get better, and if you talk to most people with 5+ years Tinnitus they mostly got used to deal with it one way or the other..
 
#6
Apocalypse77 said:
"Life is like a coin. Pleasure and pain are the two sides, Only one side is visible at time, but remeber other side also waiting for its turn." I used to believe this for many years. Almost one year ago I completely ruined my life. I made only fucking one mistake and I have to pay it for the rest if my life. It's not fair I had my whole life ahead of me.

Today I admitted that it is killing me. Spikes after spikes, pain after pain. I try to protect my hearing as well as I can but I still get these spikes. I have prayed many times for god to save me from this hell. But it never ends.

I have realized that both sides of the coin can be hell.
Click to expand...

I see your tinnitus began in April 2016 and you attribute that to ruining your life. Perhaps you need to become aware of the "Positivity thread" in which there are countless posts from sufferers who have T for a much greater period of time than you (some... for many, many years) and they have achieved habituation and go on to enjoy their lives. Those sufferers also had the option of ruminating about their tormenting conditions and cursing their fate (which serves no purpose, is futile and an enormous waste of mental effort) but rather... have chosen not and rather directed their positive and constructive energies toward thwarting the negative thoughts and redirecting them - taking into account the many good aspects of their lives and appreciating those. There is much beauty in this Life despite hardship of any kind but we have to be open and want to see it. Negativity begets negativity and you may wind up in an interminable loop as a result.

I feel sorry for the many T newcomers who come to this support forum for "support" seeking understanding, compassion and HOPE but are met here by many members, unfortunately, who present a case for just giving up and succumbing to a life which they present as being completely worthless now that they have tinnitus. What nonsense is this!

Rather... do a good deed: be uplifting, be supportive..... try to help yourself first to achieve a worthwhile and happy Life which each of us deserve and by so doing, offering others support and encouragement. As those posters in the Positivity thread allude... there is much in the here and now to be grateful for and which lies ahead in our future.

When a person powers up their engine and travels toward the path of Darkness rather than lighting one candle of HOPE, they are ensuring defeat and smashing the possibility of eventual habituation.

My suggestion for many of the negatively-minded people is: spend some quality time reading all those inspirational posts on the "Positivity thread" and maybe.. just maybe you will gain a different viewpoint. Each day of our life is ticking off................ if not now.. then when?????
 
#8
Bobbie7 said:
My suggestion for many of the negatively-minded people is: spend some quality time reading all those inspirational posts on the "Positivity thread" and maybe.. just maybe you will gain a different viewpoint. Each day of our life is ticking off................ if not now.. then when?????
Click to expand...
And my suggestion to you is to go and read more 1980s Anthony Robbins' bullshit. You will get even more uplifted than you are now. That way you will get to "Live with Passion!"
 
#10
Bill Bauer said:
And my suggestion to you is to go and read more 1980s Anthony Robbins' bullshit
Click to expand...

Hey @Bill Bauer, even though I reckon Anthony Robbins is a bit of a sheister, you'll find bus loads of people who'll tell you he's changed their life for the better. I've got some friends who think the sun shines out of Deepak Chopra's behind. They buy his books, pay to see him talk and well, they walk out uplifted and look and act like very happy and successful people. Maybe it's the placebo effect. Who knows? But I think there's a lot to be said for thinking and acting yourself into a positive state. Not easy I know! It's about perspective.
 
#11
Apocalypse77 said:
"Life is like a coin. Pleasure and pain are the two sides, Only one side is visible at time, but remeber other side also waiting for its turn." I used to believe this for many years. Almost one year ago I completely ruined my life. I made only fucking one mistake and I have to pay it for the rest if my life. It's not fair I had my whole life ahead of me.

Today I admitted that it is killing me. Spikes after spikes, pain after pain. I try to protect my hearing as well as I can but I still get these spikes. I have prayed many times for god to save me from this hell. But it never ends.

I have realized that both sides of the coin can be hell.
Click to expand...

I have made more than one mistake in my life and i pay for it each day. I have arthritis/fibro due to a mistake i made 10 years ago and my ears are screaming in hell 24 7. We are human, my ears are loud and feel like a spike 2 4 7, it all comes down to your mentality and acceptance. I have a motto, i live by " IT IS, WHAT IT IS"

Life is still liveable, even with tinnitus. we just have to reach further down inside and still move forward.

How we look at things in life, truly does make a difference.
 
#12
What can I do?

My T spikes so easily. I can't even go swimming without getting a spike. Tinnitus is a bitch, it first took silence away and now it's taking away all the things I love to do :(.

I will see a doctor next month but I really think he/she can't help me. I am in hell,
 
#13
Apocalypse77 said:
What can I do?

My T spikes so easily. I can't even go swimming without getting a spike. Tinnitus is a bitch, it first took silence away and now it's taking away all the things I love to do :(.

I will see a doctor next month but I really think he/she can't help me. I am in hell,
Click to expand...

What did you do at the swimming thing? What was the environment and your state of mind?
 
#14
#15
Apocalypse77 said:
My T spikes so easily. I can't even go swimming without getting a spike. Tinnitus is a bitch, it first took silence away and now it's taking away all the things I love to do :(.
Click to expand...
Tinnitus can be really, really difficult, to a point of point sucking everything out of life, but you have to realize your cognitive patterns are working against you; you are seriously worried about your tinnitus getting worse from swimming... even before you've gone swimming. This same kind of pattern is seen from your multitude of other similar threads.

Swimming is a very good activity for most people, and certainly not something you should generally worry about because of having tinnitus.

This puts you in a position of constantly monitoring your tinnitus for changes. I bet you listened to it all the time while swimming and after it.

No wonder it seemed to spike. Once you believe or worry about anything you do will spike you, your mind makes sure you'll perceive a spike.

Have you given consideration to trying CBT? Cognitive behavioral therapy. It may be able to help with these cognitive distortions.
 
#16
Apocalypse77 said:
Tinnitus is a bitch, it first took silence away and now it's taking away all the things I love to do
Click to expand...
Hopefully, after a year or two it will stabilize (and it will take a lot more to get a spike)(or even disappear completely). It might rob you of a year or two, but it is unlikely that you will be robbed of your entire life.
 
#19
Hi, I am in the same position. my world get smaller and smaller, i don't really know how this is going to end. i'm surprised i'm still here, but this is the worst thing every happen to me in my life. some days are really bad, and i'm sure that is going to be it, i can't take this any more, however, sometimes tomorrow ends up being a better day. however, any tiny thing will spike it for me, smaller and smaller things will create longer spikes, and i am scared shitless. at least my finances are in order, and my wife will have the means to pay bills and will be financially ok.
 
#20
I am too young. Now I am currently having a really bad spike. My ears hurt and *#*#*#*&$#*#,;#&#&#&#&#. I dont know what the ***** can I do, if this spike ends I will sure get another spike in next half year or under. There is no point. I will sure see a doctor (in few months) but I am pretty sure he wont help me a single bit.
 
#22
Apocalypse77 said:
I am too young. Now I am currently having a really bad spike. My ears hurt and *#*#*#*&$#*#,;#&#&#&#&#. I dont know what the ***** can I do, if this spike ends I will sure get another spike in next half year or under. There is no point. I will sure see a doctor (in few months) but I am pretty sure he wont help me a single bit.
Click to expand...

I hate fucking doctors, they're full of bullshit, maybe 2 or 3 out of 100 are just okay. But definitely not ENTs, those that call themselves Tinnitus experts are a fucking scam. And out of those 2 or 3 doctors I meant someone like a chiropractor or so, but maybe even then they could harm you more than anything.

I feel you brother! Hang in there, I know it's like fucking hell frozen over tenfold. I can't even sleep myself.
 
#23
Hi there

I can't offer any wise advice but I just want you to know you're not alone. I'm also struggling a lot, I deeply understand how you feel. Don't let anyone minimise your suffering, it absolutely is hell, I've never felt so desperate. I truly hope things improve for you soon and I am sorry you're going through this.
 
#24
ChristopherD said:
I haven't gone swimming since I got tinnitus. Swimming makes tinnitus spike like crazy or what? Fuck....I didn't know this.
Click to expand...
Swimming does not automatically spike tinnitus. If I remember correctly, the author on another thread thought the pool was loud. There are many members who swim, some find it relaxing.

Some do wear earplugs while swimming to avoid water in their ears, but that's a personal preference.
 
#25
Tinker Bell said:
Swimming does not automatically spike tinnitus. If I remember correctly, the author on another thread thought the pool was loud. There are many members who swim, some find it relaxing.

Some do wear earplugs while swimming to avoid water in their ears, but that's a personal preference.
Click to expand...

Depends on the pool. Outdoor pools are the best. About 9 months ago I was in a pool that had a inflatable dome over it and the acoustics were terrible, a child screaming was just amplified because of the structure around it.
 
#26
Alue said:
Depends on the pool. Outdoor pools are the best. About 9 months ago I was in a pool that had a inflatable dome over it and the acoustics were terrible, a child screaming was just amplified because of the structure around it.
Click to expand...
Right. I should clarify that it's not the act of swimming itself that irritates tinnitus, but the sound of where you are swimming.

An inflatable dome over a pool sounds awesome; except for the screaming child part!

I avoided loud, crowded pools this summer. Instead we mainly swam at private lakes and a neighbor's pool.
 
#27
Apocalypse77 said:
"Life is like a coin. Pleasure and pain are the two sides, Only one side is visible at time, but remeber other side also waiting for its turn." I used to believe this for many years. Almost one year ago I completely ruined my life. I made only fucking one mistake and I have to pay it for the rest if my life. It's not fair I had my whole life ahead of me.

Today I admitted that it is killing me. Spikes after spikes, pain after pain. I try to protect my hearing as well as I can but I still get these spikes. I have prayed many times for god to save me from this hell. But it never ends.

I have realized that both sides of the coin can be hell.
Click to expand...

Your'e only a year in....

It feels like a lifetime when you are suffering, but how you feel now about your t doesn't dictate how you will feel about it in another year's time ... this was true for me

No point beating yourself up. Youll only make yourself feel worse. It's not like you did this on purpose now is it?

You don't need to suffer for the rest of your life. I thought that too, but my relationship with my t and h (though I have my ups and downs) is much more positive than it was 4 years ago! I really felt doomed to a life of misery. But you need to realise that this is for now perhaps, but not necessarily how your future is going to unfold.

Your whole life is still ahead of you, and you will find with time that you can still live your life even with your t.

I will say that my spikes have dramatically improved, as has my h since stem cells at Macquarie (Nsw Australia). I am not totally sure if it is the stems, but I traditionally would have a bad spike every few months. I haven't done anything else differently, so I am inclined to conclude that it is the stems that are responsible.

I know you think your life is over. I am here to reassure you that it definitely isn't over, and your t doesn't have to rob you of the happiness you deserve in life. Take heart from all the habituated people in this forum, who have previously suffered with severe tinnitus. And yes, I know, I hated that word too once. I so desperately wanted my t to go away, but when I realised it was probably going to be permanent, I decided to just get on with it.

That is not to say viable treatments wont emerge either.

I have my moments, but I can honestly say that I no longer obsess about my t and whilst I would still prefer not to have it, I am largely unaware of it or bothered by it (unless I exacerbate it with noise/meds/lack of sleep)

I hope this helps
 
#29
DebInAustralia said:
Your'e only a year in....

It feels like a lifetime when you are suffering, but how you feel now about your t doesn't dictate how you will feel about it in another year's time ... this was true for me

No point beating yourself up. Youll only make yourself feel worse. It's not like you did this on purpose now is it?

You don't need to suffer for the rest of your life. I thought that too, but my relationship with my t and h (though I have my ups and downs) is much more positive than it was 4 years ago! I really felt doomed to a life of misery. But you need to realise that this is for now perhaps, but not necessarily how your future is going to unfold.

Your whole life is still ahead of you, and you will find with time that you can still live your life even with your t.

I will say that my spikes have dramatically improved, as has my h since stem cells at Macquarie (Nsw Australia). I am not totally sure if it is the stems, but I traditionally would have a bad spike every few months. I haven't done anything else differently, so I am inclined to conclude that it is the stems that are responsible.

I know you think your life is over. I am here to reassure you that it definitely isn't over, and your t doesn't have to rob you of the happiness you deserve in life. Take heart from all the habituated people in this forum, who have previously suffered with severe tinnitus. And yes, I know, I hated that word too once. I so desperately wanted my t to go away, but when I realised it was probably going to be permanent, I decided to just get on with it.

That is not to say viable treatments wont emerge either.

I have my moments, but I can honestly say that I no longer obsess about my t and whilst I would still prefer not to have it, I am largely unaware of it or bothered by it (unless I exacerbate it with noise/meds/lack of sleep)

I hope this helps
Click to expand...


Thank you friend:)
 

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