I Can't Deal with This One. Is This Pulsatile Tinnitus?

[historicalagency]

I don't know what to do. I cry every day. I avoid social interaction and people. I am thinking of dropping out of graduate school and withdrawing from everything I do. I think about dying every day. I want to be dead. I would rather be dead than have this.

I had a hissing sound in my left ear I had mostly habituated to. And then, it suddenly changed to a sort of high pitched whistle-y noise that constantly fluctuates, like, eeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEeeeee, every few seconds. It's there, 100% of the time. Always. I can't mask it. Nothing masks it because I can FEEL it in my head, no matter how high frequency I try to mask it with.

Is this able to be overcome? How do you habituate to a sound you can't even mask? What is the point of being alive? I can't concentrate on anything. I can't do anything. I don't want to be here. There's no point in being alive. And no one cares, no one believes me. They just say well it's fine get on with your life. I can't. I can't do anything. I look at a chair and I cry, thinking, at a time two years ago I used to sit in that chair and read and feel safe and comfortable. Now I drink every night, try to be unconscious as much as possible. No point being here like this.

Is this eeeEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeeee almost like a teapot, is that pulsatile tinnitus? It's not a whooshing, and it's not in rhythm with my PULSE, but it's a pattern and it goes up. and down. and up. and down. and it wakes me up at night. It PHYSICALLY hurts my head. It gives me stress response because it's like someone electrocuting my ear every 3 seconds. What is wrong with me? I hope a brain tumor or an aneurism. I hope it kills me. I don't want this. I want to die.

 

[GregCA]

hi @historicalagency - sorry for your unmaskable T - I know a little something about it.
Have you had any tests done? Any diagnosis?

 

[historicalagency]

@GregCA I recently had a hearing test -- absolutely no hearing loss, my hearing is almost perfect. I am going to shell out 400 dollars to see a TMJ specialist on Wednesday even though I can't afford it because my jaw has been clicking since the T started and I also have had bruxism my whole life. The T started almost exactly when I was diagnosed with PTSD. I don't know what is going on, but it would be fine if I knew it would stay the same. But it's not-- it's getting worse, morphing into worse and worse things. I had habituated, had 2 good months, and now this. I was even fine when I COULD mask it, just like having another disability, I have to be able to mask it in silence. But no. This one won't be masked.

 

[GregCA]

@historicalagency - any imaging (CT/MRI)? blood work?
Check out this diagnostic flowchart. It may help guide you further down.

 

[Ambassador]

Avoiding social interaction and people is a bad idea. You need a rich full environment with all the distractions you can get to provide something other than tinnitus to focus on. The worst think you can do is sit home.

 

[SCORPION]

Get outside where the noise is. You will not die this shit sucks for sure But you will be able to deal with it . Everything you described is exactly what I hear both ears . You need to walk a dog or go running put down the drink and chill . Find that happy place and stop hearing the noise once you stop thinking about it it will help you so much . You can do this you have no choice so slow down and try to do what you enjoy. Stop the pity party and beat this you are strong and we all are with you on this . We all had the same thoughts and feelings on this and it's been over 20yrs for me and I'm still doing what I want to do. Good luck to you and please don't hurt yourself.

 

[J.Hartog]

I had a huge spike with new sounds a month ago which sent me down an anxiety spiral straight into hell, my tinnitus went from 3/10 to a 8/10, only maskable by a shower, soon as I came out eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Very piercing and causing physical pain in my ears I felt the same things you are describing, not seeing any point of living like this. I isolated myself and still am very depressed,I still don't go out too much.

Thank god my spike went down after 4 weeks of this f#%*@n hell and now its back to baseline. But a couple of weeks ago I would gladly take a bullet in the back of my head and end it all right then and there. What I am trying to say is that a spike does not have to be permanent, new sounds do not have to be permanent. And you have to keep fighting to keep your emotions under control because this can turn back down the volume as hard as this may seem, this is the only thing you have at this time.

Couple of things that helped me get out of this hell

- Saunas and directly after cold showers (they calm me very much and release muscle tension and force you into deep breathing, I cannot meditate or do breathing exercises because of anxiety, lack of focus and patience but this will force you)
- Drinking lots of water with a little himalayan salt inside (this should calm your nerves more, help with anxiety)
- Taking vitamin C and Magnesium
- Taking Krill oil (omega 3) To heal the brain and calm nerves and depression.
- Getting some fresh air and some daylight. It is winter here and the more I stay inside and out of the sunlight the more anxious and depressed I get over my tinnitus.
- Reading succes stories on this board, having a sprinkle of hope gives you something to hold onto.
- Listening to notched white noise seems to work too, it has had some influence on my tinnitus https://tinnitusnotch.com/

I still isolate myself to a degree but I do have to force myself and drag my ass out of the house and do these things to keep myself sane. And they did work and it wasn't instant.

One question how long ago did your spike start?