I Can't Do This Again!

[Onemoreday]

I developed tinnitus 5 years ago. It lasted almost 2 years. It was such a dark time in my life, I can't even think about it. I almost killed myself. I had 3 young children at the time and I barely remember a moment of their young lives. The only good thing, at the time was that my husband and I were financially secure so i could afford therapy, acupuncture, myofascial release, etc. Nothing helped.

It eventually faded away. Now 2 weeks ago it returned again and this time I don't know if I can make it through. We are struggling financially. My husband works from home, which I never liked or thought would be good for us. Now our relationship is non-existent. I've been a stay at home mom for ten years but with husband being home all the time, he has done everything he can to make me feel unneeded and unnecessary in my own house and my own children's lives.

Now this damn rumbling in my ear feels like the universe is telling me the same thing....."You're just not needed honey. Move on. Everything and everyone will be just fine without you."

I don't know how I can do this all over again!

 

[cflkb]

So sorry to hear that. Maybe it might be good to get everything out in the open with your husband? Have a heart to heart about what and how you feel? Maybe you're both in different places in life and just aren't understanding one another. You're in a difficult place and I wish you well. I've got the rumbling/vibrational noise in my right ear now, along with a very high pitch EEE I'm both ears. Take it moment by moment. Stay strong cause your children will always need you and hopefully you and your husband can work things out, however it may be. Good luck and always feel free to vent here if you need people to talk to.

 

[Scared111]

How did you get it the first time? and this time? maybe it will fade away like the first... hopefully... did u do anything that helped? maybe do it again?

 

[linearb]

It sounds to me like you're dealing with a lot of things other than tinnitus which are making you unhappy.

If you're not getting lots of noise and drug exposure, then the tinnitus is just doing its thing, and you can't actually do a lot with that. So, put your energy into dealing with the rest of the things you laid out.

I am the works-from-home dad of a small child, and for us, being able to do that has been incredibly helpful and I wouldn't trade it for nearly anything because of the flexibility it gives me and because it lets me see our little bundle throughout the day instead of being locked away from here 40-50 hours a week. However, my wife is taking time off from her career to be a mom, so we are sharing space more or less continuously, and I would be lying terribly if I didn't admit that this has created new stresses, concerns and problems.

I have no insight into your broader relationship problems than what you've laid out here; cynically I suspect that if we could talk to your husband his interpretation the situation would be a lot different. That doesn't mean that either of you is "right" or "wrong", but if you're fundamentally not on the same page about what you're doing then you might want to consider some kind of couples counseling, just because a hopefully impartial third party who can understand the different concerns of both people can often make "simple" suggestions that can seem utterly non-obvious to the people involved (and also having a "safe space" to really vent and let things out, without it degrading into a shouting match, can be cathartic and probably even necessary if this stuff has been going on a long time).

Given what I know about my own tinnitus, it doesn't seem impossible to me that stress is a big driving factor in what you have going on, and so it's possible that if you can deconstruct some of the toxic cage of emotions you're occupying, the tinnitus itself may become less significant. No way to know, though.

 

[Onemoreday]

Clfkb

Thanks so much for your words of support.
I think crying hysterically in front of my husband on several occasions during the past 2 weeks with no meaningful reply from him is about as much of a heart to heart as the 2 of us will ever have at this point.
But there is some comfort in knowing other people are experiencing the same thing and will sympathize. Thank you!

 

[Onemoreday]

Linearb

Thanks for your words of support.
My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years and from day one we both wanted and agreed on my staying home with the kids and him going out to work. Four years ago he just decided that "instead of commuting an hour to work when he can sit on the couch and make the same money" was a good idea. This was against my wishes and better judgment. Also, he's not "making the same money" anymore. His working from home destroyed our finances, our relationship and the pride and joy I felt being at home and running the house and taking care of our children. This damn ear thing is just the next level of a downward spiral we have been in for a few years now. While "working from home" he has been enjoying a few too many alcoholic beverages as well.
I'm just trying to keep sanity intact for my children's sake because it has become clear to me that my husband doesn't see or care about the destruction he has done over the last few years.
It does help to hear from people who are experiencing similar situations. So thank you for your support.

 

[linearb]

Sorry to hear all that; it does sound a lot different than my situation, because in my case going remote enabled us to move out of the busy, loud, and utterly expensive city and into a beautiful and quiet place; I'm literally making the same paycheck that I was before, and even though we did lose income because my wife has stopped working for the time being, the cost savings from being in a more affordable area actually offset that pretty substantially. But, even with all those factors, and the fact that we discussed this extensively before we did it -- it certainly creates some strain and drama. So, I can imagine that would be a lot worse to deal with, without the pros to our situation, and I am sorry to hear that.

I hope your tinnitus calms down again soon. I hate to be patronizing or nosy, but I'd encourage you to either try to be optimistic about finding a way to bridge the gap with your husband... or, less happily, to think about what would be involved in actually separating. If you're just venting on here and there are actually good things about your relationship that you're happy with, then nevermind, but if not, you're painting a pretty bleak picture and it sounds like maybe both of you would be better off if you could find a different path forward. I don't, personally, buy the dogma I've sometimes seen that kids are always better off with married parents. I have a close relative who went through a divorce with (at the time) a 3 and 4 year old; the kids didn't like it, but now (5 years later), it seems to be working out a lot better for everyone. Certainly, having two caring parents who happen to not live together, seems less traumatic to me than living with two people who don't actually have any interest in civil interaction.

As for drinking too much while working from home, yup, been there, done that, still do sometimes. But, as I'm sure you know, if depression is any aspect of what your husband is dealing with, booze is not gonna make that problem a smaller one, not for long.

If your husband is simply taking you for granted, you might stir up the nest a bit by just moving out for a couple weeks. If that doesn't snap him back to reality, I don't know what will.

 

[Onemoreday]

Dear linearb

You have some good words of advice and I thank you for that. I have been thinking about ways of changing this difficult situation for quite some time now. Maybe the return of this rumbling noise is the universe trying to tell me something but I just can't seem to figure out what specifically it is or how to do it. Having 4 young children, little extended family and an alcoholic husband is difficult for anyone to handle and now to layer on top of that this debilitating condition that few people seem to understand is becoming more than I can handle. I appreciate any words of advice and support that I receive from anyone and anywhere. Thank you.