Hello All,
First off, I have to say - what a year. Never did I think at the start of this year, that something could seriously mess with my life as tinnitus did. I have always been calm, never anxious, never depressed. Boy did that change in April of this year.
It all started one morning out of the blue. No reason as far as I'm aware - I was just awake and it was there. I thought it was the hum of the house electrics, or something downstairs that someone had left on. No. It was in my left ear. I knew what it might be - I'm a lawyer and see people issuing claims frequently for tinnitus, noise induced hearing loss. It was the condition I had dreaded getting most of all. I have always enjoyed silent time and solitude. As Dr Nagler puts it, I had the unwelcome guest from hell. In my head. It seemed to be a life sentence without the possibility of parole, tortute - I would have gladly done jail time, if there was a guarantee I would be free of it.
So I tried to rationalise it at first, thinking this is permanent, how can I live like this. What caused it? What did I do to deserve to have it? I know that my ears are still a little sensitive, and the first couple of weeks I experienced hyperacusis. I was sitting in a room in the office and even the voices of the speakers in a meeting felt uncomfortable. That isn't an issue now - and my fear of loud noise I know is psychosomatic.
I can only attribute it to years of headphone / earphone usage. I do a fair bit of online gaming, going to the gym and listening to music. I guess at some point, my ears were saying "no more". I quit headphone usage at home and at work, and only listen now to speakers or a conference phone at work - anything so I don't have to put anything near my ears that transmits a direct noise in there.
The first 3 months were hell. I can legitimately say that April - July were the worst 3 months of my life. I was given a payrise at work. Didn't care. Went on holiday. Didn't care. Things were happening to my friends. Didn't care. All I cared about was tinnitus, how it happens, can it go away. It was my world. I would sit in work and even though I'd have pressing things to do i'd be on these boards. I was suffering. I researched every type of anti depressant that might get me some sleep without causing side effects. I had many sleepless nights, that is - no sleep at all. I couldn't focus at work. I realised that there is no answer, no magic pill. It's just something I'd have to put up with. I bought every type of pill possible - tebonin, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, magnesium, alpha lipoic acid.
Noise became something alien, when I heard the hum of electrics, and normal sounds - I thought "it that my tinnitus?" - I was constantly looking for it, feeding it, allowing it to dominate me. Going into a car with doors shut on lunch break because I wanted to check if it was there, how it would be different to other noises, or is it gone, or was I imaging it?
Sleep was the real killer. I barely slept at all those 3 months - it affected everything. I also have an irrational fear of not sleeping, and have always slept in silence. This was a double whammy for me.
So - here I am, right now and after 6 months I'm no longer anxious or depressed. I can barely hear the noise - I'm not even sure it is there anymore. It was mild to begin with, but my emotional response to it was huge.
So what changed, and how have I improved?
I honestly don't know. I'm still taking tebonin, still taking alpha lipoc acid, magnesium etc. I'm getting exercise in the mornings, doing a bit of cardio on the bike, lifting weights. That really helped my mood.
I now sleep with a low humming fan on - truth be told I am afraid of silence now. I can't tell if noises are tinnitus or just the hum of the electrics through the fan or not - and I prefer to not know! I sleep well most nights, but have occasional sleepless nights; but I also realised that so does everyone - I realised that this condition is not going to kill me. It doesn't cause pain. All it is, is a bit of a nuisance - if it's even still there.
I am hopeful that one day I'll plug my ears (I still don't dare to) and it will be completely gone. But even then - I have realised that it's just a noise. Like a heartbeat, the dull noise everyone hears when plugging their ears - it's harmless and I'm safe. It isn't a terminal illness.
What really put things into perspective for me was reading this story from Holly Butcher, a young lady who recently died tragically young:-
Sure, I might have the odd sleepless night, I might occasionally think about tinnitus (I think the mental scar it has left on me will ensure I will always fear noise, and I'll probably never completely forget about it).
But you know what? It has made me a stronger person, a kinder person and I now have a realisation of true human suffering. I never had that before - so every day life stressors, like missing a work deadline, not getting into work on time have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I know life can be a hell of a lot worse, and anything can hit the most relaxed and comfortable person out of the blue turning their life upside down. That is the beauty of life I suppose. Who knows - Maybe the higher ups seen I was too comfortable, to relaxed and decided to throw me a curveball.
I don't know. I know that I have grown as a person, and this community helped me alot in the acute phase of it.
So what advice can I give everyone here? I don't want to sound as someone who is teaching anyone, because in truth my tinnitus was (is) - (do i still have it? i don't know) mild.
But what I can say is that most of the battle is psychological. After months of pain you do eventually realise that this thing won't kill you. Something clicks in the brain to increase the heirarchy of other things in life, where you care less and less about tinnitus. That's commonly known as habituation. It'll cause worry, sleepless nights etc - but guess what? Those aren't going to kill you either and they are entirely normal. No one (other than those diagnoised with fatal insomnia) has ever died from a lack of sleep, unless you are driving etc. But it's fine to be tired, it's part of life.
Take a look at benzobuddies insomnia sub forum. There are guys on there without tinnitus that are suffering without it and don't sleep for weeks on end!
Life throws curveballs at all of us. Tinnitus (and particularly severe tinnitus) is one of the worst - depending on your reaction to it but it only controls you if you let it. I certainly did let it in the first three months, but now? I'm back to my usual self and don't bother to listen for it anymore. When I do, I'm not even sure if I hear it or it's just normal. I could probably know for sure if I put my fingers in my ears, but what's the point? I'm getting by just fine.
I know that those with severe tinnitus have a harder time that what i've had - and I truly do sympathise with all of you that have it. But I know that I have improved, and if I can - and my personality is extreme neurotic - you guys can too. Whether it is the noise getting lower due to lifestyle changes or supplements, or just the brain filtering it out, or your reaction getting better, it can, and does improve. I think mine is cured, but i don't know - and nor do I particularly care.
Good luck everyone, and thank you for this section on the forum. My only other advice is this - if you are still suffering yourself - try to read only the success stories. There is hope, and you will get better. Thank you.
First off, I have to say - what a year. Never did I think at the start of this year, that something could seriously mess with my life as tinnitus did. I have always been calm, never anxious, never depressed. Boy did that change in April of this year.
It all started one morning out of the blue. No reason as far as I'm aware - I was just awake and it was there. I thought it was the hum of the house electrics, or something downstairs that someone had left on. No. It was in my left ear. I knew what it might be - I'm a lawyer and see people issuing claims frequently for tinnitus, noise induced hearing loss. It was the condition I had dreaded getting most of all. I have always enjoyed silent time and solitude. As Dr Nagler puts it, I had the unwelcome guest from hell. In my head. It seemed to be a life sentence without the possibility of parole, tortute - I would have gladly done jail time, if there was a guarantee I would be free of it.
So I tried to rationalise it at first, thinking this is permanent, how can I live like this. What caused it? What did I do to deserve to have it? I know that my ears are still a little sensitive, and the first couple of weeks I experienced hyperacusis. I was sitting in a room in the office and even the voices of the speakers in a meeting felt uncomfortable. That isn't an issue now - and my fear of loud noise I know is psychosomatic.
I can only attribute it to years of headphone / earphone usage. I do a fair bit of online gaming, going to the gym and listening to music. I guess at some point, my ears were saying "no more". I quit headphone usage at home and at work, and only listen now to speakers or a conference phone at work - anything so I don't have to put anything near my ears that transmits a direct noise in there.
The first 3 months were hell. I can legitimately say that April - July were the worst 3 months of my life. I was given a payrise at work. Didn't care. Went on holiday. Didn't care. Things were happening to my friends. Didn't care. All I cared about was tinnitus, how it happens, can it go away. It was my world. I would sit in work and even though I'd have pressing things to do i'd be on these boards. I was suffering. I researched every type of anti depressant that might get me some sleep without causing side effects. I had many sleepless nights, that is - no sleep at all. I couldn't focus at work. I realised that there is no answer, no magic pill. It's just something I'd have to put up with. I bought every type of pill possible - tebonin, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, magnesium, alpha lipoic acid.
Noise became something alien, when I heard the hum of electrics, and normal sounds - I thought "it that my tinnitus?" - I was constantly looking for it, feeding it, allowing it to dominate me. Going into a car with doors shut on lunch break because I wanted to check if it was there, how it would be different to other noises, or is it gone, or was I imaging it?
Sleep was the real killer. I barely slept at all those 3 months - it affected everything. I also have an irrational fear of not sleeping, and have always slept in silence. This was a double whammy for me.
So - here I am, right now and after 6 months I'm no longer anxious or depressed. I can barely hear the noise - I'm not even sure it is there anymore. It was mild to begin with, but my emotional response to it was huge.
So what changed, and how have I improved?
I honestly don't know. I'm still taking tebonin, still taking alpha lipoc acid, magnesium etc. I'm getting exercise in the mornings, doing a bit of cardio on the bike, lifting weights. That really helped my mood.
I now sleep with a low humming fan on - truth be told I am afraid of silence now. I can't tell if noises are tinnitus or just the hum of the electrics through the fan or not - and I prefer to not know! I sleep well most nights, but have occasional sleepless nights; but I also realised that so does everyone - I realised that this condition is not going to kill me. It doesn't cause pain. All it is, is a bit of a nuisance - if it's even still there.
I am hopeful that one day I'll plug my ears (I still don't dare to) and it will be completely gone. But even then - I have realised that it's just a noise. Like a heartbeat, the dull noise everyone hears when plugging their ears - it's harmless and I'm safe. It isn't a terminal illness.
What really put things into perspective for me was reading this story from Holly Butcher, a young lady who recently died tragically young:-
Sure, I might have the odd sleepless night, I might occasionally think about tinnitus (I think the mental scar it has left on me will ensure I will always fear noise, and I'll probably never completely forget about it).
But you know what? It has made me a stronger person, a kinder person and I now have a realisation of true human suffering. I never had that before - so every day life stressors, like missing a work deadline, not getting into work on time have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I know life can be a hell of a lot worse, and anything can hit the most relaxed and comfortable person out of the blue turning their life upside down. That is the beauty of life I suppose. Who knows - Maybe the higher ups seen I was too comfortable, to relaxed and decided to throw me a curveball.
I don't know. I know that I have grown as a person, and this community helped me alot in the acute phase of it.
So what advice can I give everyone here? I don't want to sound as someone who is teaching anyone, because in truth my tinnitus was (is) - (do i still have it? i don't know) mild.
But what I can say is that most of the battle is psychological. After months of pain you do eventually realise that this thing won't kill you. Something clicks in the brain to increase the heirarchy of other things in life, where you care less and less about tinnitus. That's commonly known as habituation. It'll cause worry, sleepless nights etc - but guess what? Those aren't going to kill you either and they are entirely normal. No one (other than those diagnoised with fatal insomnia) has ever died from a lack of sleep, unless you are driving etc. But it's fine to be tired, it's part of life.
Take a look at benzobuddies insomnia sub forum. There are guys on there without tinnitus that are suffering without it and don't sleep for weeks on end!
Life throws curveballs at all of us. Tinnitus (and particularly severe tinnitus) is one of the worst - depending on your reaction to it but it only controls you if you let it. I certainly did let it in the first three months, but now? I'm back to my usual self and don't bother to listen for it anymore. When I do, I'm not even sure if I hear it or it's just normal. I could probably know for sure if I put my fingers in my ears, but what's the point? I'm getting by just fine.
I know that those with severe tinnitus have a harder time that what i've had - and I truly do sympathise with all of you that have it. But I know that I have improved, and if I can - and my personality is extreme neurotic - you guys can too. Whether it is the noise getting lower due to lifestyle changes or supplements, or just the brain filtering it out, or your reaction getting better, it can, and does improve. I think mine is cured, but i don't know - and nor do I particularly care.
Good luck everyone, and thank you for this section on the forum. My only other advice is this - if you are still suffering yourself - try to read only the success stories. There is hope, and you will get better. Thank you.
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