It's just so sickening, it really is!
I talked to the psych but to be honest I much prefer talking to people who actually understand the condition i.e everyone here.
I don't know if it's quilt, regret, anger or a combination of all those things that has me like this, I literally never leave the house now and for someone who was always busy this is just unimaginable for me, and to think this could all have been avoided had I been given the correct information a few years prior.
What I mean is when my T started in January 2011 we had no idea what was causing it but I had ear fullness so I suspected some form of infection or blockage was to blame.
When antibiotics and steroid nasal decongestants done nothing to help I rushed to my local ENT in a well established and highly regarded hospital. I was given MRI's everything and it all came back clear, they even surgically removed polyps from my sinuses that were pushing against my eustachian tube and again nothing.
I was eventually discharged from their care with a diagnosis of idiopathic bi-lateral tinnitus. To me it wasn't idiopathic, I was highly confident that it was a noise trauma that caused this but it was dis-regarded by the medical staff there anyway.
So here I was 8 months into this and I was feeling great, I had habituated to my T and began looking for ways to manage it all on my own. I searched the web and only left with more questions than answers but I knew to avoid certain meds and to protect my hearing from loud noise, that was all I could really gather from it. There are so many causes for T that I simply could not tell what had caused mine, I did suffer from anxiety so was that the cause? I did have stuffy sinuses so was it an infection? Was it noise induced? I just had no real idea what had caused this, there were so many variables to account for.
Then in March 2012 I went to a gig with earplugs, the next day my mild T had become a head pounding loud tone and I developed extremely mild H too although I didn't even know what H was at the time. I had no idea what was going on but I didn't panic, I called my uncle who has T and he said it would calm down in a few days and that this was the case with him when exposed to louder noise.
I booked myself an appointment in the Deafhear clinic in Ireland, I was convinced this was coming from my ears at this point, that noise was obviously the culprit, it had to be?
She done numerous hearing tests all showing up perfect and told me it wasn't coming from my ears, that it was most likely stress or anxiety induced. I was unknowledgeable on the subject and took her word for it, I trusted her and her diagnosis.
When I told her about the intolerance to loud noise she simply said it was stress because of the Tinnitus, that the tinnitus was making me stress about loud noise and that it would go away in time.
So I left somewhat relieved but also extremely confused, so I haven't damaged my hearing but yet loud noise is triggering it off? Is this the case with all T?
Regardless of what she said I stuck away from loud noise, I bought a quieter car and when in noisy environments I would simply just leave or strictly limit my time there.
I was still exposing myself to louder noise at times but nothing ridiculous and never experienced another increase within the next two years.
Then in January 2014 I went to a friends birthday party, there was loud music playing but I stayed trying to convince myself not to stress out about the noise, that it was all in my head and nothing to worry about like the lady had told me.
Eventually my anxiousness got the better of me and I left, I had a temporary threshold shift and I became extremely concerned that I was somehow doing more damage.
The next day I was fine and relieved as to me it showed that the lady was right, it was just me stressing out over noise.
A few days after that I went to my best mates 21st but was a lot more careful this time and then followed by dinner with staff members in a loud restaurant.
This is when I began to worsen, I distinctly remember asking my colleagues if the place seemed way too loud and they all shrugged and said it was quite with pizzled looks on their faces. I didn't know what was going on with me but I went home that night extremely confused as to what was going on? My ears felt raw and stuffy something I hadn't experienced before and from a quiet restaurant too.
Then suddenly my ear cracked and popped and I went deaf on one side, freaked out I ran to my local ENT to have it looked at immediately!
He turned around and said"good news,your ears are completely blocked with wax, a quick suction and you'll be back to normal"
The relief that came over me was unreal, he sucked out the wax and I returned home but my ears still felt stuffy, then my T suddenly jumped up in my right ear to a crazy high hiss along with distortion in that ear.
Two days later I was exposed to an extremely high pitched noise and all hell broke loose, in came proper Hyperacusis.
I rushed to my ENT and he wanted to suck more wax out and I wouldn't let him, he didn't even know what H was so staying there any longer was just pointless. I eventually found an expert on H and T called Deepak Kumar and made an appointment as soon as possible. He done numerous hearing tests and told me my hearing yet again was absolutely perfect, that I had NOT damaged my hearing whatsoever.
I was relieved, I trusted the expert and was told that it was my nervous system causing this and to listen to pink noise everyday for a certain amount of time.
Two years on and I was feeling much better, not what I was before but still living a great normal life. My H had reduced significantly and everyday living and working was fine, I then met a girl and began dating in December 2015. For the first time since my full H onset I began getting around a lot more levels of sound, that I just needed to relax and enjoy life, that my ears weren't damaged and that it was my mind and fear making me the way I was.
About a month into the relationship I began experiencing a stinging burning pain in the back of my head and neck, concerned I went back to the specialists and was told it was tension from my fear and that if I relaxed it would go away completely. So what did I do? I went around even more noise and of course it just got worse and worse when suddenly my T and H worsened severely in February 2016.
I returned again and he just gave me the same answer, same with my neuro and same with my doctors. I was given a sound therapy device and told I needed to desensitise myself.
I remember being extremely frustrated and angry but what could I do? They must be right? So what did I do again! I started exposing myself to more noise like traffic flying past and I just got even worse to the point that I was in bed in agony!
I was completely deluded, I had no idea what in the name of fuck was going on with me when suddenly my hearing went distorted and my T increased seven fold! NOW I knew it was hearing damage, it had been all along! It had to be, there is no fucking way it isn't and talks with other support groups backed this up, they too had gotten worse from more noise than they could tolerate.
I fell into a complete whirlwind, all I was doing was killing myself this entire time, THE ENTIRE TIME I was butchering myself to this horrendous mess I'm in now and there's literally nothing I can do about it.
My instincts were screaming at me since that night in 2012 but I ignored it and listened to the"professionals"instead even though every inch of me knew they had to be wrong, when I look back in hindsight it's so obvious!
I am a wealth of knowledge now but for what? It's too late now, my life is in complete disarray and all I can think about is the previous years, if only I had of been told sooner or got clued in sooner I would be living a much better life, but all I did was destroy myself.
If I had known I would have been way more careful with my hearing, I know I would have as I always put my health first! I was deluded into thinking I was making myself better but all I was doing was killing my future, killing my life and by the time the info got to me it was already too late!
And I just can't live with that, all I can do now is hope for a cure? But when will that come if ever? I could have lived with my T and H for the rest of my life, I didn't need a cure as I could live happily and comfortably but the knowing that I unknowingly destroyed my life is just too much to bare for me, that I could have prevented this had I known.
Life is just miserable now, everything I ever loved is gone and gone forever, there's nothing I can do about it only hope and hope they can fix this shit down the years.
I always thought I was a smart person but I just simply cannot believe how foolish and idiotic I was over the last few years, how did I buy that bullshit?
Everyone here seems to be fairly clued in so why wasn't I? I just don't know anymore, I wake up in pure disbelief everyday. I dream everynight of being back in 2012 and having the knowledge I have now, how I would have done things and how great my life would have been now, I dream of taking my grandmother shopping like I use to do, I dream of sitting here making my mother laugh instead of making her cry like I do now, I dream of driving which was my passion, I dream of my friends that I no longer see, sadly it's all just a dream now.
When this all happened in March I jumped into a pit of desperation and just worsened myself further from everyday noise, I just simply haven't adjusted to this since March, I keep trying to live a normalish life like I did before but with hearing protection but I just keep getting worse. I can't live that life now, it's gone and gone forever.
I talked to the psych but to be honest I much prefer talking to people who actually understand the condition i.e everyone here.
I don't know if it's quilt, regret, anger or a combination of all those things that has me like this, I literally never leave the house now and for someone who was always busy this is just unimaginable for me, and to think this could all have been avoided had I been given the correct information a few years prior.
What I mean is when my T started in January 2011 we had no idea what was causing it but I had ear fullness so I suspected some form of infection or blockage was to blame.
When antibiotics and steroid nasal decongestants done nothing to help I rushed to my local ENT in a well established and highly regarded hospital. I was given MRI's everything and it all came back clear, they even surgically removed polyps from my sinuses that were pushing against my eustachian tube and again nothing.
I was eventually discharged from their care with a diagnosis of idiopathic bi-lateral tinnitus. To me it wasn't idiopathic, I was highly confident that it was a noise trauma that caused this but it was dis-regarded by the medical staff there anyway.
So here I was 8 months into this and I was feeling great, I had habituated to my T and began looking for ways to manage it all on my own. I searched the web and only left with more questions than answers but I knew to avoid certain meds and to protect my hearing from loud noise, that was all I could really gather from it. There are so many causes for T that I simply could not tell what had caused mine, I did suffer from anxiety so was that the cause? I did have stuffy sinuses so was it an infection? Was it noise induced? I just had no real idea what had caused this, there were so many variables to account for.
Then in March 2012 I went to a gig with earplugs, the next day my mild T had become a head pounding loud tone and I developed extremely mild H too although I didn't even know what H was at the time. I had no idea what was going on but I didn't panic, I called my uncle who has T and he said it would calm down in a few days and that this was the case with him when exposed to louder noise.
I booked myself an appointment in the Deafhear clinic in Ireland, I was convinced this was coming from my ears at this point, that noise was obviously the culprit, it had to be?
She done numerous hearing tests all showing up perfect and told me it wasn't coming from my ears, that it was most likely stress or anxiety induced. I was unknowledgeable on the subject and took her word for it, I trusted her and her diagnosis.
When I told her about the intolerance to loud noise she simply said it was stress because of the Tinnitus, that the tinnitus was making me stress about loud noise and that it would go away in time.
So I left somewhat relieved but also extremely confused, so I haven't damaged my hearing but yet loud noise is triggering it off? Is this the case with all T?
Regardless of what she said I stuck away from loud noise, I bought a quieter car and when in noisy environments I would simply just leave or strictly limit my time there.
I was still exposing myself to louder noise at times but nothing ridiculous and never experienced another increase within the next two years.
Then in January 2014 I went to a friends birthday party, there was loud music playing but I stayed trying to convince myself not to stress out about the noise, that it was all in my head and nothing to worry about like the lady had told me.
Eventually my anxiousness got the better of me and I left, I had a temporary threshold shift and I became extremely concerned that I was somehow doing more damage.
The next day I was fine and relieved as to me it showed that the lady was right, it was just me stressing out over noise.
A few days after that I went to my best mates 21st but was a lot more careful this time and then followed by dinner with staff members in a loud restaurant.
This is when I began to worsen, I distinctly remember asking my colleagues if the place seemed way too loud and they all shrugged and said it was quite with pizzled looks on their faces. I didn't know what was going on with me but I went home that night extremely confused as to what was going on? My ears felt raw and stuffy something I hadn't experienced before and from a quiet restaurant too.
Then suddenly my ear cracked and popped and I went deaf on one side, freaked out I ran to my local ENT to have it looked at immediately!
He turned around and said"good news,your ears are completely blocked with wax, a quick suction and you'll be back to normal"
The relief that came over me was unreal, he sucked out the wax and I returned home but my ears still felt stuffy, then my T suddenly jumped up in my right ear to a crazy high hiss along with distortion in that ear.
Two days later I was exposed to an extremely high pitched noise and all hell broke loose, in came proper Hyperacusis.
I rushed to my ENT and he wanted to suck more wax out and I wouldn't let him, he didn't even know what H was so staying there any longer was just pointless. I eventually found an expert on H and T called Deepak Kumar and made an appointment as soon as possible. He done numerous hearing tests and told me my hearing yet again was absolutely perfect, that I had NOT damaged my hearing whatsoever.
I was relieved, I trusted the expert and was told that it was my nervous system causing this and to listen to pink noise everyday for a certain amount of time.
Two years on and I was feeling much better, not what I was before but still living a great normal life. My H had reduced significantly and everyday living and working was fine, I then met a girl and began dating in December 2015. For the first time since my full H onset I began getting around a lot more levels of sound, that I just needed to relax and enjoy life, that my ears weren't damaged and that it was my mind and fear making me the way I was.
About a month into the relationship I began experiencing a stinging burning pain in the back of my head and neck, concerned I went back to the specialists and was told it was tension from my fear and that if I relaxed it would go away completely. So what did I do? I went around even more noise and of course it just got worse and worse when suddenly my T and H worsened severely in February 2016.
I returned again and he just gave me the same answer, same with my neuro and same with my doctors. I was given a sound therapy device and told I needed to desensitise myself.
I remember being extremely frustrated and angry but what could I do? They must be right? So what did I do again! I started exposing myself to more noise like traffic flying past and I just got even worse to the point that I was in bed in agony!
I was completely deluded, I had no idea what in the name of fuck was going on with me when suddenly my hearing went distorted and my T increased seven fold! NOW I knew it was hearing damage, it had been all along! It had to be, there is no fucking way it isn't and talks with other support groups backed this up, they too had gotten worse from more noise than they could tolerate.
I fell into a complete whirlwind, all I was doing was killing myself this entire time, THE ENTIRE TIME I was butchering myself to this horrendous mess I'm in now and there's literally nothing I can do about it.
My instincts were screaming at me since that night in 2012 but I ignored it and listened to the"professionals"instead even though every inch of me knew they had to be wrong, when I look back in hindsight it's so obvious!
I am a wealth of knowledge now but for what? It's too late now, my life is in complete disarray and all I can think about is the previous years, if only I had of been told sooner or got clued in sooner I would be living a much better life, but all I did was destroy myself.
If I had known I would have been way more careful with my hearing, I know I would have as I always put my health first! I was deluded into thinking I was making myself better but all I was doing was killing my future, killing my life and by the time the info got to me it was already too late!
And I just can't live with that, all I can do now is hope for a cure? But when will that come if ever? I could have lived with my T and H for the rest of my life, I didn't need a cure as I could live happily and comfortably but the knowing that I unknowingly destroyed my life is just too much to bare for me, that I could have prevented this had I known.
Life is just miserable now, everything I ever loved is gone and gone forever, there's nothing I can do about it only hope and hope they can fix this shit down the years.
I always thought I was a smart person but I just simply cannot believe how foolish and idiotic I was over the last few years, how did I buy that bullshit?
Everyone here seems to be fairly clued in so why wasn't I? I just don't know anymore, I wake up in pure disbelief everyday. I dream everynight of being back in 2012 and having the knowledge I have now, how I would have done things and how great my life would have been now, I dream of taking my grandmother shopping like I use to do, I dream of sitting here making my mother laugh instead of making her cry like I do now, I dream of driving which was my passion, I dream of my friends that I no longer see, sadly it's all just a dream now.
When this all happened in March I jumped into a pit of desperation and just worsened myself further from everyday noise, I just simply haven't adjusted to this since March, I keep trying to live a normalish life like I did before but with hearing protection but I just keep getting worse. I can't live that life now, it's gone and gone forever.
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