If I Could Take a Pill

[UKJon]

Hi,

The last time I wrote here, I had one or two people saying that I should be grateful for the fact that my tinnitus is mild. At the time, I agreed with them but right now, if I could take a pill and sleep forever then I would. The low humming that I hear in my bedroom or in the quiet has ruined my life and I simply cannot accept it or get used to it.

I have some good days when it's tame but waking up hearing that tone usually ruins the day. I am seeing a psychotherapist and doing everything I can to try and get it into perpsective but I am mired in depression. I take 5mg Diazepam so that I can 'die' for an hour.

I've had T since Oct 2014 and have still not habituated. My doctor and my mental health consultant are already involved and I take medication to help me sleep and 'lower' my anxiety. This is the third breakdown in my life. I also have a sound system next to the bed plus a radio. I listen to classic music on this.

But the fact remains that I do not want this noise at all and it is slowly grinding me down.

I've also been reading Julian Cowan Hill's book which is very positive. My psychotherapist has tinnitus as do so many other people but for me a nightmare scenario. I'm working to get my anxiety down since losing my mother in 2014 but am now stuck in a dreadful limbo. I DON'T want to have to listen music by me bed forever. I WANT IT GONE. Or at least, I don't want to care about about it any more (habituate). But I DO care. I drag myself around like an old man trying to push myself to do things but I feel that life has abandoned me. It's a party that I haven't been invited to.

 

[Gaye]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Acceptance is very difficult with tinnitus. I go through phases where I search all over the Internet for anything that might possibly help mine. I've had for 15 years, am in my early 60s now. Mine has worsened over the years, left ear is worse, with two hissing sounds. You are on the right track trying to get control of your stress level as stress does make it worse. I have had some success recently with muting the sound somewhat and eliminating the pressure/discomfort by using L-tryptophan before bed and also upping the protein in my diet (60 gram minimum). These beneficial side effects were purely by accident, not the result of any recommendations. I've actually had a few days where, at night when I lay down and hear the noise, I realize that I hadn't paid attention to it all day. That alone has made me feel better.

 

[Zora]

Hey UKjon,
I can relate. I have mild T since 6 months and I am nowhere near habituation.
I am so sick of this. every morning I wake up and hear this goddamn noise. I want it GONE too.
I also do
psychotherapy but its not helping me to handle T better.
I am distracted a lot lately due to my new job with many more hours, but I am just so bothered by it. They say Distraction is the key but how do I distract myself from a fucking beeping noise?!
Yesterday since 6 month I went to our local village fest. maybe 300 people and one loud band. I was there for 30 minutes with custom made earplugs and now my T is alot louder.
How the f*** am I supposed to live like that?
I am only 20 years old?!? ((

 

[glynis]

Hi UKJon,
Sorry to hear you have had another breakdown and glad you have the extra support in place to help you.

Tinnitus can be hard to live with but I try not to think of the future with it as know my blasting tinnitus in both ears won't go away or Menieres ,hearing problems and a sever breathing problem fighting just to breath with sever attacks under the sever asthma unit.
What I'm trying to say is life can be tough going and this is why we have to push extra hard to be happy as that is something we do have control of unlike health issues.

I think for you that having treatment for sever depression will help but it takes time to get better with medication and talking therapy and getting your confidence and self worth back and find your smile again.
I have been through and still go through tough times and not going let my health take away my smile
I have now come off Amitryptaline the last few days weaning self off and that's me saying YAY stuff my health in fighting back.
This is what you need to do John and fight back with all your strength and it will get easyier I promise and make sure you eat well and get enough sleep.

Their are times I want to shout why me !!! But I think it's made me the caring person I am.
I will be thinking of you John and encourage you as much as I can in support.......lots of love glynis xxx

 

[undecided]

But the fact remains that I do not want this noise at all and it is slowly grinding me down.

Look at what you are writing down? Are you serious?
Yeah, I don't want it either, the next person might definitely not want a lung cancer... what are you, 5 years old?
Grow the fuck up dude, the world is an ugly place and bad, very bad things can happen to good people.
Unless you manage to completely change your way of thinking, you are screwed. Might as well down those 5mg diazepams with a bit of alcohol to sleep for 10-12 hours a day.
Or throw them away and start with a fresh state of mind.

 

[UKJon]

Telling me to grow up doesn't exactly help. I'm 53 and used to be carefree with a job I liked and I loved foreign travel. If I could have changed my way of thinking over the last year and a half then I would have done already.

For someone that has had regular thoughts of ending it all, this tough love approach doesn't work. Is T that I only hear in the quiet something worth dying for? I believe that for me it is unless a miracle happens.

 

[John G]

@undecided relax,be nice. I used to think like that until I realised this is a support forum. We all suffer in different ways,different tolerance levels etc... As for people that say they have mild T or severe T. How can one know what is mild or severe.If I said my T is severe and someone experienced the exact same symtoms as me...but that person may label their T as mild. Its a dam nuisance for everyone...thats all I can agree on. Plus, arguing here doesnt make things any easier

 

[glynis]

Keep posting @UKJon and I'm sure all of us are behind you with your struggle with Tinnitus.
Hope your having a relaxing evening .
Take care....lots of love glynis

 

[undecided]

@undecided relax,be nice. I used to think like that until I realised this is a support forum.

I can't be nice.
There are people in this forum that here their tinnitus 24/7, non-stop.
Hearing your tinnitus in your quiet room before going to sleep is not tinnitus, it reaches on the bounds of what most of the people in here would call "normal".
"Normal" leading to thoughts about suicide shows a clear case of mistreated psychosis.
The op needs to be admitted in some sort of hospital, in-patient care environment where he should be evaluated and treated accordingly. After three breakdowns, according to his sayings, I think its cuckoo's nest time, hard as it may sound - the other alternative being 'ending it all'.

 

[glynis]

@undecided be nice.
He's a lovely man and spoke with him.

 

[Martin69]

@UKJon
Loud, high-pitched T here. Multiple sounds. Louder than the shower and hardly covered by cricket sounds.
Started Lexapro to get anxiety under control.

I can relate. If it would be milder for me, I would be happy.
But I can understand that we don't want to have it at all.
Give it more time and you will accept it.
Think seriously about if it is only T or a depression or anxiety disorder.
Then treat appropriately.

 

[Zora]

Look at what you are writing down? Are you serious?
Yeah, I don't want it either, the next person might definitely not want a lung cancer... what are you, 5 years old?
Grow the fuck up dude, the world is an ugly place and bad, very bad things can happen to good people.
Unless you manage to completely change your way of thinking, you are screwed. Might as well down those 5mg diazepams with a bit of alcohol to sleep for 10-12 hours a day.
Or throw them away and start with a fresh state of mind.

no need to be so disrespectful or insult people. If you want to critisize smth jon said, fine. But stay polite.

 

[Richard zurowski]

We are all going through this nightmare so let's all try and be civil with each other. Yes most of the time it gets me down and sure there are times when I think to myself I can't take this anymore. But what else can we do about it but just to except it that it's never going to go away. We all hope and some might pray that there is a cure or there is medication we can take to lower the volume. Until then we are stuck it.

 

[UKJon]

As 'undecided' says 'I can't be nice', I have reported him for his second comment which is quite frankly unbelievable on a 'support' forum.

As my T and subsequent suffering seems to bring out anger in some people, may I remind them that it is not necessarily the tinnitus but the reaction of the individual that matters. I happen to have a history of anxiety disorders, panic attacks, phobias and OCD. This is not something that I chose. I am not trying to annoy people here. I come here for uplifting, positive and supportive input.

There is no point in outlining the intense and prolonged struggles I have had with my 'demons' and continue to have. But those who have been through breakdown and have fought long and hard to come out stronger on the other side will know what it means.

 

[undecided]

@UKJon, your case won't be solved by an internet forum.
You need real support from (you know, like real life) doctors.
If you need some pep talk and a hug, I'm sure that lots of members here will provide that.
I merely stated my opinion and I certainly stand by it. You need actual help.

 

[glynis]

@UKJon you are around friends on here who support you and know what tinnitus is like and all the unwanted emotions that come with it.
You are doing the right thing with the support services available and hope we are helping too.
Anxiety is not nice and recovering from a breakdown shows you that you have the strength in you to move slowly forward to recovery....
Keep posting John we are sending out support.
Thank you in opening your self up to the forum with all that you are going through and how you are feeling.... Got bless....lots of love glynis

 

[John G]

@UKJon, your case won't be solved by an internet forum.
You need real support from (you know, like real life) doctors.
If you need some pep talk and a hug, I'm sure that lots of members here will
provide that.
I merely stated my opinion and I certainly stand by it. You need actual help.

Give your negative opinion a rest. Ukjohn mentioned he is working with his doctor and mental health specialist. @undecided ...you are just being a shit disturber.Follow your own advice and "grow up"

 

[Penate]

I wish my tinnitus was mild ,one year with too jets engine in my ears and power transformer into my head,very high pitch screaming wolfs never going down, I'm still not believe is not one single treatment for this horrendous condition,every single condition in the world has treatment,only this evil f.....s , I try every thing, TRT, CBT,rTMS,hearing aids, medication and nothing.i don't not want else to do.

 

[Dan-in-MD]

My T started in April (turned 45 in May) after a very stressful period during which so many potential casuses could have led to this condition. The leading candidates being a virus, sinus infection and fever, and antibiotic.

I had anxiety, still feel it, but I have a couple things I'm doing.

The first is moving forward with my career and life. I still feel like, how could I have achieved what I've done so far with what I now experience? I am still working hard on my job. I pushed back starting grad school for a year and studying for a new certification for six months to give me more time to adjust, but I will find a way to keep moving forward.

The second is to be healthy: I'm exercising regularly, watching what I'm eating, and continuing to lose weight (something I had mostly accomplished before I got T). I figure that T is a neurological defect, plain and simple. Becoming less healthy isn't going to help. I no longer consume caffeine. I walk 12000+ steps a day.

The third is I have a prescription for Klonopin and Xanax. I'm evaluating one vs the other to help me relax in the evening without wiping me out. To quote my ENT and neurologist, it just helps you forget about your T for a while. Whichever I prefer my Neurologist will prescribe for me longterm. If I habituate, then these may no longer be needed, but until then, it's good to have the option if I need it.

I only have one life so I intend to live it. I hope for a cure, but don't expect one. Nonacceptance is a form of denial (of your permanent reality) and escapism.

 

[RB2014]

I read your post and here is my two cents. You really need to learn to accept it. If you don't accept it, you will never give yourself the chance to habituate. All of us are in the same boat, some louder than others, and everyone at a different stage in this. If you have anxiety than you need to get rid of it because it will only keep you from getting better. I have learned that getting myself emotional only makes it worst to the point where I try and feel no emotion anymore. Accepting it is the key to getting better though.
If you read through the stories, some people get better in 6 months and some get better in 5 years. You can keep yourself in an endless loop of anxiety and negative thinking and loud tinnitus, or you can just accept it and start to get better. Once you do accept it though, you will find that you will think about it less and less and when you do that it gets softer. Not a cure, but a path to getting better.

 

[Mario martz]

Well first of all this is a SUPPORT FORUM
not a comparison forum,
the last thing we need here is to compare, everyone is in a different journey and some of us struggle
with different types of tinnitus, sound or levels.

Jon, i think one can habituate more quickly to mild tinnitus, there might be things that can get your mind busy from tinnitus, but you have to put all heart and attention away from t, and put them in other things.
like a hobbie, a new sport, your job, find something you are passionate about.

im not a psychologist, but almost all my family are, and i worked in their office.
so i think that maybe you been having a fixation on this sound even if its mild.
because of the depression you are carrying (the death of your mother)
maybe you need to solve this first, so you can have peace and habituate quickly to your tinnitus.

you are gonna do great, this is just a stage.
try to work on you, you are your best friend, do the things you will do for a dear friend.

dont scare yourself about the sound, your existence is way bigger than any sound in the world.
work on you, dont scare yourself, and put your heart and attention in other activities.
good luck.

 

[Nonna]

Hey UKjon,
I can relate. I have mild T since 6 months and I am nowhere near habituation.
I am so sick of this. every morning I wake up and hear this goddamn noise. I want it GONE too.
I also do psychotherapy but its not helping me to handle T better.
I am distracted a lot lately due to my new job with many more hours, but I am just so bothered by it. They say Distraction is the key but how do I distract myself from a fucking beeping noise?!
Yesterday since 6 month I went to our local village fest. maybe 300 people and one loud band. I was there for 30 minutes with custom made earplugs and now my T is alot louder.
How the f*** am I supposed to live like that?
I am only 20 years old?!? ((

Earplugs never work for me. I think its best to push in with the finger, blocks so much more.

 

[rzhang]

I also have mild t. I understand the need for perfect silence, somethinf all of us here was robbed from. I hate to say it but comparison with people worse off isa method that works to build gratitude. Its bitter lesson but what would you ather do? Rgge against fate? Shit is unfair. We are all too young for the things we are learning. I hope for hope

 

[hartje5]

I think it is really hard for bad T. sufferers to hear someone going banana's over something they would give their right arm for. The brain works in mysterious ways. But suffering I guess it's about the suffering not about the loudness.

 

[Martin69]

I read your post and here is my two cents. You really need to learn to accept it. If you don't accept it, you will never give yourself the chance to habituate. All of us are in the same boat, some louder than others, and everyone at a different stage in this. If you have anxiety than you need to get rid of it because it will only keep you from getting better. I have learned that getting myself emotional only makes it worst to the point where I try and feel no emotion anymore. Accepting it is the key to getting better though.
If you read through the stories, some people get better in 6 months and some get better in 5 years. You can keep yourself in an endless loop of anxiety and negative thinking and loud tinnitus, or you can just accept it and start to get better. Once you do accept it though, you will find that you will think about it less and less and when you do that it gets softer. Not a cure, but a path to getting better.

Can you tell me please what acceptance exactly is. Therapists, psychologists or other T sufferers tell me to ACCEPT it. I have never understood this. I don't know how to accept 2-3 high-pitched dog whistles resonating in my head.

Yes, I work. I went on vacation again. I live my life like I would without this. I have to because I have a wife and kids. But happiness, enjoyment or being relaxed is something else. I cope, every day - mostly with cricket sounds.

The only resolution for me is a lower volume or that one day my poor brain decides to take it out of consciousness. I also want to accept having this in my head, but I don't know how.

This should not sound rude. We are all in the same boat. But sometimes I feel angry or simply frustrated if I am told to just accept it.

 

[RB2014]

Can you tell me please what acceptance exactly is. Therapists, psychologists or other T sufferers tell me to ACCEPT it. I have never understood this. I don't know how to accept 2-3 high-pitched dog whistles resonating in my head.

Yes, I work. I went on vacation again. I live my life like I would without this. I have to because I have a wife and kids. But happiness, enjoyment or being relaxed is something else. I cope, every day - mostly with cricket sounds.

The only resolution for me is a lower volume or that one day my poor brain decides to take it out of consciousness. I also want to accept having this in my head, but I don't know how.

This should not sound rude. We are all in the same boat. But sometimes I feel angry or simply frustrated if I am told to just accept it.

By acceptance, I mean not to fear it and just accept that it is going to be there all the time. I try and view it like a computer fan that never goes away. I have just accepted that fact that I will never hear silence again and that this is my new baseline. Yes, some days are better than others, and yes this is not ideal. I long for silence just like the rest of us but realize that it is just not going to happen anymore for me. The more attention you give it the louder it gets. The more anxiety you have over it the louder it gets. I can't even get emotional anymore because it just makes it louder. This is my new life of acceptance.

My only point is the less you try and think about it the quieter it gets and the longer period of time you can live on without noticing it or living with it at a smaller volume. I think that is the definition of habituation. Today I got busy at work and I got so involved in my work that I didnt notice it the entire day. I notice it now, but it is faint. It is only faint because I was able to not get emotional over it or anything else today and not think about it. Believe me I am just as frustrated as you over this, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to make this better except try and not think about it.

Some days I walk along with a jet engine going off in my head, and just say to myself there is nothing I can do to make this better. If I don't accept it, if I give it any more attention than it deserves it just becomes a louder jet engine in my head. That doesnt help me in any way. I wish I had a better answer to your question, or a way to get better, but this is the best that I have been able to come up with so far.

 

[Florida John]

I read your post and here is my two cents. You really need to learn to accept it. If you don't accept it, you will never give yourself the chance to habituate. All of us are in the same boat, some louder than others, and everyone at a different stage in this. If you have anxiety than you need to get rid of it because it will only keep you from getting better. I have learned that getting myself emotional only makes it worst to the point where I try and feel no emotion anymore. Accepting it is the key to getting better though.
If you read through the stories, some people get better in 6 months and some get better in 5 years. You can keep yourself in an endless loop of anxiety and negative thinking and loud tinnitus, or you can just accept it and start to get better. Once you do accept it though, you will find that you will think about it less and less and when you do that it gets softer. Not a cure, but a path to getting better.

any meds in this thinking?

 

[Paul10]

Jon, I'll shoot you a PM. Best wishes.

 

[MikeL1972]

Hi UKJon,

First I would like to offer my condolences on your loss.

Next, let me tell you that life is a struggle - like Karl Marx said - meaning you will have ups and downs. That's just the way it is set up. Now with that said, only you can control your relationship with tinnitus. From your post, it is clear that you have lost control and now you must take it back. I understand that it is not easy, but it must be done. Otherwise, you will remain on a downward slope!

The best advice I can offer you is simply to stop fighting it; it is a no-win battle. Believe me, my first two weeks I was Googling like a man possessed, only to find this site and learn from others on how they learned to live with this. In essence, you simply need to change your attitude towards tinnitus. Instead of saying "I cannot go on like this", you need to say "I hear the ringing, but could care less". This happens once you let your guard down. Eventually, your mind and nervous system will determine that the ringing is not lethal and it will not cause you the stress and anxiety you are afflicted with right now. Good luck!