I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

[erik]

Is it severe because of noise level or mental health? One is treatable to help reduce the other.

It is a combination of both. And yes, treating one generally helps the other.

 

[PeteJ]

WHY ARE PEOPLE HERE AGREEING WITH JACK STRAW?
I thought you supported and emphasized with me. He just wants me on drugs. Many here are worried about the harmful effects of drugs, addiction, possible ototoxic effects and the possibility or likelihood that it doesn't even work.

He was saying people have it worse which is BS! His point about listening to music was nonsense, too. Who cares if I can barely hear low music. Over top of it is a loud, high pitched piercing ringing noise!!!! That's nothing to be thankful for!
Yes, I want and need the noise volume and pitch to reduce! So?!? I might be screwed and if it doesn't improve, I will try to figure out a way to suicide.

It won't be because of mental illness. It won't be due to anxiety, depression or stress. IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF TINNITUS! UNDERSTAND?!? I WILL WRITE A FUCKING NOTE STATING THAT TINNITUS IS THE CAUSE! OK?!? GEEZ. :-(

 

[Jack Straw]

WHY ARE PEOPLE HERE AGREEING WITH JACK STRAW?
I thought you supported and emphasized with me.

People are agreeing with me because they know I am right. You need to see someone about your mental health if you want to get better because you are currently contemplating suicide.

He just wants me on drugs. Many here are worried about the harmful effects of drugs, addiction, possible ototoxic effects and the possibility or likelihood that it doesn't even work.

I never said you should be on drugs. That is for your doctor to decide. I suggested you see a mental health professional for CBT and potentially medication.

He was saying people have it worse which is BS! His point about listening to music was nonsense, too. Who cares if I can barely hear low music. Over top of it is a loud, high pitched piercing ringing noise!!!! That's nothing to be thankful for!

You literally told me in another thread that you can hear your tinnitus when the volume of music is on low. This leads me to think that if you turn the volume to medium you can't hear it anymore. If your tinnitus can be heard no matter what the volume, I don't understand why you mentioned low radio volume when describing your tinnitus.

Getting your mental health in a better place is part of process of coping tinnitus. You continue to refuse to try this step, which has helped A LOT of people with tinnitus. It has even be shown in studies to help people deal with tinnitus better.

I understand you're on a waiting list, but if you are suicidal you can use your own money to go private. If you can't afford it, ask a family member and describe your suicidal situation. They will help you get there.

People wouldn't be agreeing with me if what I was saying was wrong. I'm not sure why you don't see that.

 

[PeteJ]

I can't cope with it this high. Period. It's destroying me. Destroying my health. Everything. I also have other ear problems. There's nothing that can be done. Just waiting until I figure out how to stop it.

 

[Tanni]

It won't be because of mental illness. It won't be due to anxiety, depression or stress. IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF TINNITUS! UNDERSTAND?!? I WILL WRITE A FUCKING NOTE STATING THAT TINNITUS IS THE CAUSE! OK?!? GEEZ. :-(

We all understand Pete. A lot of us on here have probably been suicidal at some point.

I know you threaten suicide because you are desperate for us to help you, but there isn't a cure for Tinnitus so there's nothing we can say. Especially while you are in this heightened, hysterical state.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I see you mention suicide every single day without fail, and we are just not equipped to help you. We're fellow sufferers who in some cases are dealing with the same thoughts of self harm that you are, and -- by your own admission -- we are constantly saying the wrong things.

So it's placing a lot of pressure on us to see these kind of threats to take your life, especially in response to our posts. Jack Straw is a long term sufferer with severe Tinnitus, who is actively advocating for a cure. There are few who are in a better position to offer you advice, but I know you don't want advice - you want a cure, and none of us have one.

I don't want to speak for others, but I really don't know what else to do here.

 

[PeteJ]

We all understand Pete. A lot of us on here have probably been suicidal at some point.

I know you threaten suicide because you are desperate for us to help you, but there isn't a cure for Tinnitus so there's nothing we can say. Especially while you are in this heightened, hysterical state.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I see you mention suicide every single day without fail, and we are just not equipped to help you. We're fellow sufferers who in some cases are dealing with the same thoughts of self harm that you are, and -- by your own admission -- we are constantly saying the wrong things.

So it's placing a lot of pressure on us to see these kind of threats to take your life, especially in response to our posts. Jack Straw is a long term sufferer with severe Tinnitus, who is actively advocating for a cure. There are few who are in a better position to offer you advice, but I know you don't want advice - you want a cure, and none of us have one.

I don't want to speak for others, but I really don't know what else to do here.

I mention it here because I thought I would more likely figure out how to do it then. I do appreciate your intentions and I know others want to help. But, I don't see anything out there that is anything else but bandaids.

My left ear doesn't feel normal. Will it ever? Why can't my ears be normal at least? So I can wear plugs at least. But, no. My left ear feels full and I don't know how else to describe it. I told an ENT all this. He just looked in my ears. Didn't do anything. Didn't help.

I don't just have tinnitus. I have all these other issues.

 

[Chopsticks]

WHY ARE PEOPLE HERE AGREEING WITH JACK STRAW?
I thought you supported and emphasized with me. He just wants me on drugs. Many here are worried about the harmful effects of drugs, addiction, possible ototoxic effects and the possibility or likelihood that it doesn't even work.

He was saying people have it worse which is BS! His point about listening to music was nonsense, too. Who cares if I can barely hear low music. Over top of it is a loud, high pitched piercing ringing noise!!!! That's nothing to be thankful for!
Yes, I want and need the noise volume and pitch to reduce! So?!? I might be screwed and if it doesn't improve, I will try to figure out a way to suicide.

It won't be because of mental illness. It won't be due to anxiety, depression or stress. IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF TINNITUS! UNDERSTAND?!? I WILL WRITE A FUCKING NOTE STATING THAT TINNITUS IS THE CAUSE! OK?!? GEEZ. :-(

 

[PeteJ]

When I say I have all these other issues, I mean my ears:
Don't feel normal, light popping, occasional pain, discomfort from muffs, I want to wear plugs sometimes but I had trouble
The tinnitus is so high pitched and loud...it's torture and yes, there is no cure.

Therefore...

 

[Daniel Lion]

When I say I have all these other issues, I mean my ears:
Don't feel normal, light popping, occasional pain, discomfort from muffs, I want to wear plugs sometimes but I had trouble
The tinnitus is so high pitched and loud...it's torture and yes, there is no cure.

Therefore...

Therefore... listen and take some advice... you'll get better slowly...

I say this with love...

 

[MattR]

When I say I have all these other issues, I mean my ears:
Don't feel normal, light popping, occasional pain, discomfort from muffs, I want to wear plugs sometimes but I had trouble
The tinnitus is so high pitched and loud...it's torture and yes, there is no cure.

Therefore...

How long have you been having issues? Is it only tinnitus or also hyperacusis? The occasional pain, is it caused by noise, or is it just random? And is the pain debilitating or is it mainly the ringing that is hard to deal with?

 

[Manex]

Hi Pete. I don't check this forum much, but saw that you started your thread a while back and are still struggling and thought I'd say something.

I got tinnitus in 1995. And when I first got it, my life was over. I also was asking permission to end my life. And I won't tell you that your life hasn't changed forever. It has. And I don't think there is any good in comparing yourself to others better or worse off because other people's pain isn't going to help yours. What I do know from 24 years now of having tinnitus and talking to people who have it. Time helps and being emotionally connected to the tinnitus slows time helping. I spent months and months going to doctors and doing everything I could when I first got it, but in the end the only thing that worked was disconnecting from it... which is so hard. Especially at first. And it doesn't make it go away, but the constant awareness of it will fade over time and not just months, but it's an ongoing progress. You can help it by protecting your ears now. Do avoid loud sounds. I actually had to change careers. I even got to a point where it didn't bother me that much. It was there, but I didn't think about it, but it took a long time.

Unfortunately last October some medications gave me a whole new type of tinnitus and the process is starting all over. I spent 2 weeks not even leaving the bed... I took prednisone trying to help the ears, but got an infection because it removes the immune system. And I didn't even try to cure myself until I almost died. My friend tooke me to the emergency room. But I will say this... don't do something like that... because the aftermath of that was terrible and I'm still dealing with it. Since I've had the experience I know I just need to wait it out. Try to disconnect.

Meds are not for everyone. You can try doing various things - cognitive behavior therapy. You could try tinnitus retraining therapy if you wanted... you can try things... but I would return to disconnecting emotionally from it. It's really hard, I know. And it's okay to be angry and sad. Feel those. Try to connect with people you love, don't shut them out. It helps. They won't totally understand if they don't have it, but they can still be there for you. I would tell them though to let you bring it up and for them to not mention it or ask about it. Your end goal is to eventually not bring it up because that means less time aware of it. I don't spend much time on the forums for this very reason, I don't want to be thinking about it.

Whatever your experience now will be worse than your future experience, that I know for sure.

 

[Allan1967]

Hi Pete. I don't check this forum much, but saw that you started your thread a while back and are still struggling and thought I'd say something.

I got tinnitus in 1995. And when I first got it, my life was over. I also was asking permission to end my life. And I won't tell you that your life hasn't changed forever. It has. And I don't think there is any good in comparing yourself to others better or worse off because other people's pain isn't going to help yours. What I do know from 24 years now of having tinnitus and talking to people who have it. Time helps and being emotionally connected to the tinnitus slows time helping. I spent months and months going to doctors and doing everything I could when I first got it, but in the end the only thing that worked was disconnecting from it... which is so hard. Especially at first. And it doesn't make it go away, but the constant awareness of it will fade over time and not just months, but it's an ongoing progress. You can help it by protecting your ears now. Do avoid loud sounds. I actually had to change careers. I even got to a point where it didn't bother me that much. It was there, but I didn't think about it, but it took a long time.

Unfortunately last October some medications gave me a whole new type of tinnitus and the process is starting all over. I spent 2 weeks not even leaving the bed... I took prednisone trying to help the ears, but got an infection because it removes the immune system. And I didn't even try to cure myself until I almost died. My friend tooke me to the emergency room. But I will say this... don't do something like that... because the aftermath of that was terrible and I'm still dealing with it. Since I've had the experience I know I just need to wait it out. Try to disconnect.

Meds are not for everyone. You can try doing various things - cognitive behavior therapy. You could try tinnitus retraining therapy if you wanted... you can try things... but I would return to disconnecting emotionally from it. It's really hard, I know. And it's okay to be angry and sad. Feel those. Try to connect with people you love, don't shut them out. It helps. They won't totally understand if they don't have it, but they can still be there for you. I would tell them though to let you bring it up and for them to not mention it or ask about it. Your end goal is to eventually not bring it up because that means less time aware of it. I don't spend much time on the forums for this very reason, I don't want to be thinking about it.

Whatever your experience now will be worse than your future experience, that I know for sure.

Out of curiosity, what medications made your tinnitus worse?

 

[Jack Straw]

Out of curiosity, what medications made your tinnitus worse?

The profile says "Azithromycin 2018", but I am guessing it's that.

 

[Allan1967]

The profile says "Azithromycin 2018", but I am guessing it's that.

Anything ending in mycin is generally shit to be avoided.

 

[PeteJ]

How long have you been having issues? Is it only tinnitus or also hyperacusis? The occasional pain, is it caused by noise, or is it just random? And is the pain debilitating or is it mainly the ringing that is hard to deal with?

I think it is random now. But, I don't know when to protect other than obvious loud sounds like sirens and tractor trailers/trucks. I also think I should when I see motorcycles.
The h has improved somewhat, I think. But, my ears still don't feel normal.

I need a new mouth guard. I am stressed in bed and grind my teeth. I might need meds for this? I don't want any but how can I relax when I try to sleep? The tinnitus is high pitched and I am on edge during the day. But, at least, I can consciously try to relax a bit more?

 

[PeteJ]

There is nothing here. Few audiologists. The one I saw was shady and rude. TRT here is expensive. There are no 'hearing therapists" in my city. Just a bunch of hearing aid sales places. I don't like traveling very far.

 

[Ken219]

I need a new mouth guard. I am stressed in bed and grind my teeth. I might need meds for this? I don't want any but how can I relax when I try to sleep? The t is high pitched and I am on edge during the day. But, at least, I can consciously try to relax a bit more?

@PeteJ that is the spirit! I resisted meds too. They are the only thing that gets me through. Try it. If you don't like it you may always stop with doctor's help. Hang in. I'm currently in a relapse.

 

[Michael Leigh]

There is nothing here. Few audiologists. The one I saw was shady and rude. TRT here is expensive. There are no 'hearing therapists" in my city. Just a bunch of hearing aid sales places. I don't like traveling very far.

@PeteJ

Are you taking any medication to help manage stress?

 

[Tanni]

I mention it here because I thought I would more likely figure out how to do it then. I do appreciate your intentions and I know others want to help. But, I don't see anything out there that is anything else but bandaids.

My left ear doesn't feel normal. Will it ever? Why can't my ears be normal at least? So I can wear plugs at least. But, no. My left ear feels full and I don't know how else to describe it. I told an ENT all this. He just looked in my ears. Didn't do anything. Didn't help.

I don't just have tinnitus. I have all these other issues.

Yes, that's because there isn't anything available but bandaids. Whether it's drugs, or therapy, or anything else people do to help, they are all just coping mechanisms. There is no cure for Tinnitus at this point in time.

If you don't want to employ any coping mechanisms besides venting on here (which is a coping mechanism, but far from the best one) then the only thing left is to trust your body to time. You have already reported improvements, and once your body is in a less heightened state of hysteria, it will probably be able to improve even further.

But we don't know that for definite. So please don't keep asking us whether it will improve, because we just don't know.

If your ENT doctor couldn't help diagnose your ear issues, we can't help diagnose them here. We can offer support, but not medical advice. I share your frustration with doctors -- a lot of us do. It's totally unacceptable that we don't have a proper treatment and that the causes of so many ear issues are not properly understood by the medical profession. All we can do is keep raising awareness and funding, and keep our fingers crossed.

I'm not sure what your first line 'figuring out how to do it' meant, but if you mean suicide, nobody here is going to help you with a method on how to do it, and I doubt you need help with that anyway. I suspect you just want us to know how much you are suffering and to support you, but we would support you anyway without the constant threats of suicide.

I know you're not ready to receive advice at this time, but hang in there and further down the line I'm sure you will be in a better place to tackle all this properly.

 

[jay777]

@PeteJ,

Try this:

 

[PeteJ]

@PeteJ

Are you taking any medication to help manage stress?

No. They either don't work or are ototoxic and you then worry about t becoming worse. This condition is worse than anything else, imho. It might not directly kill you, but you will suffer and dying is the only escape. The treatments are unsatisfactory and insufficient. I think it's the volume and pitch that is the problem plus my ears are either damaged or some unexplainable problem with them. When a specialist can't do anything nor can he explain what happened and has no follow up plan, I am screwed. 'Waiting and hoping?!?" That's it?!? So, I am being asked to suffer. I don't have money since I can't work now. I will have nothing and this hellhole of an area is a noisy trap which is risk for spikes or getting worse. I also clench my teeth. While I am still here, I need to avoid getting worse and avoid worsening health such as my heart and teeth. So, yes, I welcome the least ototoxic drugs, not because I am open to them but because the stress is causing physical problems and I feel tense almost all the time. I don't want to feel like this.

 

[Fernando81]

PeteJ, hang in there.

You need to treat your underlying condition (depression, anxiety). I was in the same boat as you a couple of years ago. I received treatment from a good psychiatrist, he prescribed me Fluoxetine 20 mg. That improved my anxiety, sleep and mood, so I could cope better with tinnitus. In fact, tinnitus was then no longer a problem.

But you need a good treatment, something that works (acupuncture, meds, whatever makes you feel better).

 

[Michael Leigh]

No. They either don't work or are ototoxic and you then worry about t becoming worse. This condition is worse than anything else, imho. It might not directly kill you, but you will suffer and dying is the only escape. The treatments are unsatisfactory and insufficient. I think it's the volume and pitch that is the problem plus my ears are either damaged or some unexplainable problem with them. When a specialist can't do anything nor can he explain what happened and has no follow up plan, I am screwed. 'Waiting and hoping?!?" That's it?!? So, I am being asked to suffer. I don't have money since I can't work now. I will have nothing and this hellhole of an area is a noisy trap which is risk for spikes or getting worse. I also clench my teeth. While I am still here, I need to avoid getting worse and avoid worsening health such as my heart and teeth. So, yes, I welcome the least ototoxic drugs, not because I am open to them but because the stress is causing physical problems and I feel tense almost all the time. I don't want to feel like this.

I know some AD can make tinnitus worse but this is usually temporary. My blood pressure medicine is listed as can cause ringing in the ears. I have been taking it for some time and haven't noticed it made my tinnitus worse. My tinnitus is variable from: complete silence, mild, moderate, severe and can reach very severe levels.

I have a suggestion that you might want to consider. In 2010 my tinnitus was very severe and I was at the end of my tether and just didn't know what to do to get some relief from the noise. My ENT consultant prescribed clonazepam and said it sometimes helps people with severe tinnitus. She advised me to only take it when the tinnitus is severe. The dose was to take: 2x 0.5mg tablets. Clonazepam really helped me by reducing the tinnitus to very low or complete silence. I only ever take it when the tinnitus is severe and haven't had any problems with it in 9 years.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Michael

 

[Tanni]

'Waiting and hoping?!?" That's it?!?

Every coping suggestion people have made to you, you have shot down, sometimes aggressively. So yes, this is all that's left.

 

[MattR]

No. They either don't work or are ototoxic and you then worry about t becoming worse. This condition is worse than anything else, imho. It might not directly kill you, but you will suffer and dying is the only escape. The treatments are unsatisfactory and insufficient. I think it's the volume and pitch that is the problem plus my ears are either damaged or some unexplainable problem with them. When a specialist can't do anything nor can he explain what happened and has no follow up plan, I am screwed. 'Waiting and hoping?!?" That's it?!? So, I am being asked to suffer. I don't have money since I can't work now. I will have nothing and this hellhole of an area is a noisy trap which is risk for spikes or getting worse. I also clench my teeth. While I am still here, I need to avoid getting worse and avoid worsening health such as my heart and teeth. So, yes, I welcome the least ototoxic drugs, not because I am open to them but because the stress is causing physical problems and I feel tense almost all the time. I don't want to feel like this.

You need to relax a bit. Are you still able to get through the day pretty well besides the ringing? It sounds like you don't have a ton of pain, your hyperacusis is mild. There are plenty of people on this forum that have severe hyperacusis and literally cannot function, can't even leave the house. You've been having issues for a few months? Ear issues take a long time to get better. It's normal to be stressed about it, but give it some time. You even said you feel like your hyperacusis is a bit better? That's a good sign.

 

[PeteJ]

You need to relax a bit. Are you still able to get through the day pretty well besides the ringing? It sounds like you don't have a ton of pain, your hyperacusis is mild. There are plenty of people on this forum that have severe hyperacusis and literally cannot function, can't even leave the house. You've been having issues for a few months? Ear issues take a long time to get better. It's normal to be stressed about it, but give it some time. You even said you feel like your hyperacusis is a bit better? That's a good sign.

No, I struggle. I leave the apartment even less now. Ever since the pitch increased. Volume, too. I only leave when I absolutely have to. My ears feel odd and abnormal. There is light popping as well. Is that hyperacusis? I don't know.

 

[MattR]

No, I struggle. I leave the apartment even less now. Ever since the pitch increased. Volume, too. I only leave when I absolutely have to. My ears feel odd and abnormal. There is light popping as well. Is that h? I don't know.

Do your ears actually hurt due to sounds? If so, it is likely hyperacusis, or similar to it. Hyperacusis is generally more difficult to deal with. If you don't have actual pain to noise then be thankful, that's one less issue to deal with. Both T and H do go away or significantly reduce for a lot of people, probably most people honestly. I know you've said ear plugs and muffs hurt, so maybe try some different brands to see if any work for you. I've been using musicians ear plugs lately, so I've been able to go do most activies (golfing, working out, etc.) and still enjoy life as much as I can. It helps with anxiety, which doesn't cause these ear issues but certainly exacerbates them.

 

[PeteJ]

Every coping suggestion people have made to you, you have shot down, sometimes aggressively. So yes, this is all that's left.

Well, thanks. It's not like you are the only one to tell me I am shooting down 'coping' suggestions. Are you an agent for one of them while they're on a break?

I have explained why I am not able to try their suggestions or the issue with them. I am reluctant to try drugs but I feel like I will eventually have to pick one. It's harder for me to go out now.

The therapist option is limited and again, same problem. Besides tinnitus, it is physical problems and sensations with the ears. It really scares me and this double problem makes me want to give up. I am practically a cripple and I want things to improve but waiting is torture.

I don't know of anyone on here with this collection of problems. It was difficult before to see a doctor that couldn't help me. Now, I have to try and visit one to see if there is a drug I can try?

 

[PeteJ]

Do your ears actually hurt due to sounds? If so, it is likely hyperacusis, or similar to it. Hyperacusis is generally more difficult to deal with. If you don't have actual pain to noise then be thankful, that's one less issue to deal with. Both T and H do go away or significantly reduce for a lot of people, probably most people honestly. I know you've said ear plugs and muffs hurt, so maybe try some different brands to see if any work for you. I've been using musicians ear plugs lately, so I've been able to go do most activies (golfing, working out, etc.) and still enjoy life as much as I can. It helps with anxiety, which doesn't cause these ear issues but certainly exacerbates them.

I really wish I could explain it, medically, what is going on. Weeks ago, I would say, yes, I think I get noise induced pain. But, I haven't had any pain happen after noise lately. I use my muffs but I don't protect on every noise. I don't use them as much as I would like because they are very tight from the suction. It causes discomfort for my ears. I don't know if I would have discomfort anyway and they exacerbate the discomfort or if they contribute to it, primarily.

I also have a fullness or something particularly with the left ear but both ears don't feel normal. I also have some discomfort after sleeping since I have been a side sleeper for a long time. The severe ear pain hasn't occurred in a while, fortunately, knock on wood.

The ears discomfort and loud, high pitched tinnitus makes me want to remain in my apartment even though I hate this. I know it's not good. But, pain and discomfort in the ears is not something you can put a bandage on.

I don't know what else to say. I find it hard to concentrate and hard to sleep. I don't think this is a life worth living. I just don't know how to end it. I don't think pills and therapy from students is going to help. I have a hard time leaving the apartment.
Oh, my area is noisy too but since I am a cripple, I have no money to go private (and move).

 

[MattR]

I really wish I could explain it, medically, what is going on. Weeks ago, I would say, yes, I think I get noise induced pain. But, I haven't had any pain happen after noise lately. I use my muffs but I don't protect on every noise. I don't use them as much as I would like because they are very tight from the suction. It causes discomfort for my ears. I don't know if I would have discomfort anyway and they exacerbate the discomfort or if they contribute to it, primarily.

I also have a fullness or something particularly with the left ear but both ears don't feel normal. I also have some discomfort after sleeping since I have been a side sleeper for a long time. The severe ear pain hasn't occurred in a while, fortunately, knock on wood.

The ears discomfort and loud, high pitched tinnitus makes me want to remain in my apartment even though I hate this. I know it's not good. But, pain and discomfort in the ears is not something you can put a bandage on.

I don't know what else to say. I find it hard to concentrate and hard to sleep. I don't think this is a life worth living. I just don't know how to end it. I don't think pills and therapy from students is going to help. I have a hard time leaving the apartment.
Oh, my area is noisy too but since I am a cripple, I have no money to go private (and move).

You're already seeing improvements, if noise isn't brining you pain and it once did. Give it some more time, do and enjoy the things you are able to do in the mean time. There's a good chance you'll be in a much better spot months from now.