I'm Done

[Carlos]

I have constant flashes in my mind and fantasies of putting a revolver to my mouth, or an executioner axing my head off, I cant believe my mind is forming these thoughts as a solution. Its hard to believe this is real...

 

[dboy]

Hey, @Carlos, I think your mind is just throwing those images and fantasies at you because you are unhappy. They are not thought out solutions or in any way the best thing to have happen. I went through a period once of having a recurring visualisation of lying on a conveyor belt travelling towards a machine with a huge hammer designed to pulverise my head in one swift instant. It was kind of a recurring thing for a while when I was half asleep, and sometimes in my dreams. I think it was my mind finding ways to deal with me being unhappy - it was half comforting and half disturbing to know that a big part of me wanted this to happen.

I don't know whether this is like what you have, but if it is any help I no longer have those images in my head. You are going through a really hard time in your life right now, but you will almost certainly not feel like this for ever. If there is any way to reduce other stressors in your life (beside tinnitus) for a while, then this might help you to deal with how you feel and get stronger again so you don't feel so strung out emotionally. If you are like me then those thoughts are your mind rebelling at a level slightly below your conscious awareness to being unhappy and stressed out for too long a period. It does not mean that ending your life is the best option.

 

[Carlos1]

I have constant flashes in my mind and fantasies of putting a revolver to my mouth, or an executioner axing my head off, I cant believe my mind is forming these thoughts as a solution. Its hard to believe this is real...

@Carlos Our minds are a very powerful tool my friend you have been putting up with T since 2008 I'm sure you've had your ups and downs since the onset of T you'll get through this down time. Keep posting we are all in this together its a very tough health issue to deal with hang in there. I just have to believe that sometime in the future they'll be something that can help us. Also if you need something to get through this rough patch go see your Doc tell him what's going on and maybe he can give you something to get through.
Stay Strong

Carlos from Boston

 

[billie48]

Try to detach yourself from the Mind/Brain. You are not your mind. Eckhart Tolle who wrote The Power of Now has discussed this aspect of it extensively. In fact if you search the Internet with 'you are not your mind', you will find many articles from individuals and institutions about this aspect of protecting our mental health. The mind when extremely stressed and sensing no way out, will send this message out. Try to be a watcher of the mind and not following it during this chaotic and stressful time of your T suffering. This message is not just taught by spiritualists but by some doctors. Here is what a MD on "Psychology Today" has written about this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/use-your-mind-change-your-brain/201106/you-are-not-your-brain

 

[Cheza]

From the article that @billie48 references:

The brain's chief job is to keep you alive, so it tends to operate in a survival of the fittest mode. While that's certainly imperative when dealing with life-threatening situations, that approach does not help us much in society or in our relationships. Rather, it often gets us into trouble and cause us to act in ways we later regret. In short, the brain likely has run your life in a less than optimal way and caused you to experience one or more of the following at some point in your life: anxiety, self-doubt, perfectionism, behaving in ways or engaging in habits that are not good for you (e.g., over-texting, over-analyzing, stress eating, drinking too much and so on), ignoring your true self and/or wholeheartedly believing the stream of negative thoughts coursing through your head.

 

[Cristian Ro]

Man, why a lot of people want to commit suicide? I was like this but I started to think: Why I want to end my life for nothing? Before ending my life I will try EVERYTHING, I will volunteer to any test of treatment, also I will want to donate all my organs "available".
Stop thinking to end your life before you have had been trying everything.
I read about a new treatment, available in 2018. Will you be able to wait for it? Let's wait together.

 

[PaulBe]

It does take you there though. I don't think many other diseases (physical and psychological)take you to the brink so quickly and completely.

 

[Carlos]

My life has passed me by, the last 7 years of my life were supposed to have been the happiest. Instead Im capped at enjoying the positive things in life at 30% and I feel the negativity hightened at 180%. I feel empty, alone, and I know the older I get, the worse my tinnitus will get and the more insecure my life will get, Im scared of the future, terrified, I cant deal with it anymore, 7 years is too much for me, I just want to rest. I cant form a healthy relationship, Im unable to date, I will have no one to turn to as the years continue and my life deteriorates, its just a matter of time before this destroys me and I wont be able to pull myself out. Im scared of being put in a mental institue, Im not crazy but slowly, gradually my mind is being stretched and my soul feels just as damaged as my ears. It gets worse, over and over again, nothing gets better. Im lost and aware of my gradual decline, I look at myself in the mirror everyday and you can see the sadness in my eyes, it breaks my heart everyday...

 

[Sailboardman]

@Carlos,

I feel all your pain Carlos and can only say, there is no guarantee, that death will solve all your problems. It's a leap into an unknown realm. Once you cross over, you can never come back. You're the one who has to make that last and final decision. You may jump into nothing, something better, or something worse? Think carefully, before you jump my friend. I do everyday, you're not alone.

 

[glynis]

@Carlos,
You will get through this and you will get your sparkle back in life.
We have total control of what makes us happy even with noisy ears.

Tinnitus can take your confidence away and social interactions with others but these skills can grow strong again.
life is tough and we forget how to laugh and smile as we sink into negative thinking as tinnitus invades your life and quiet times.
Try to stay positive and build up on what you can do .
I think talking therapy will help you with weekly sessions and never put yourself down and push to build up better days and they will come.....lots if love glynis

 

[Carlos]

In 2015, euthanasia laws were passed in California. An attorney must be consulted to evaluate the health, mental state, and reasons to use the End of Life Option Act. All healthcare covers euthanasia if approved. Im pulling through day by day, but my quality of life is just gone. Im fatigued all the time, I only eat once a day, I barely have friends and no family. Im going to try to keep floating on day after day. Im doing research in case it is needed in the near future. I don't see myself surviving tinnitus. I definitely do not want to reach my 30's. Living up to 27 seems fair and long enough. If it ends there, I could admit to myself that my life was interesting. To pass that would just mean I lived a miserable life. There are limits in my life I am coming to terms with, the reality of the situation. There is a story of a woman named Gaby Olthuis that made it easier to just accept that I was dealt a bad hand in life, there will be a time when I will have to fold the cards.

 

[Enrique]

@Carlos I really wish I had words to comfort or provide hope for you but I definitely empathize with you. I am almost two years in and if it wasn't for my girlfriend, I would have seriously attempted suicide. I'm also 27. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

 

[Carlos]

@Enrique Thank you for the message. Some advice, be the best man you can be. Hold on to the treasures of life that have been given to you. The material things of this world are no longer important when afflicted with health problems, as Im sure you know. Never get comfortable with your girlfriend or complacent, help create new memories and new activities that you guys can share and will make your bond closer. Maybe you will marry her, and hopefully she is full of compassion and unconditional love, that she is willing to share a lifelong journey with you in which you will always have someone to turn to. When times get tough in the future, she can easily move through the storm with you, looking back at all the wonderful things you have done for her. Try your best in all things. Write her a love letter that she can look back to that will bring her a smile, a letter she will hold onto years from now and will be delighted to read every single time. I lost my last chance at love, I dont think I can pretend to be confident anymore, or pretend to be normal, or be abandoned suddenly because of my condition. I cant expect anyone to want to share their life with a broken man, it is unfair towards anyone and a journey I must walk alone. But if you have the chance to create your own family, do your best to make it happen. Seek God, He can help you live a rightous life full of meaning and teach you how to love the right way.

 

[RaZaH]

Hey mate , what have you tried so far ? As in therapy or well..drugs ?

 

[Carlos]

During mid December, I was invited to a dinner with my fraternity from school near East LA, it was great. After, a brother invited us all to his house to continue the celebration. This was in Compton, I parked my car, got out to walk towards my friends house and as I was walking a man got out of his truck and dragged his wife out of the car and started beating her. Without hesitation, I pushed him off of her and told her to get behind me, he then started hitting the wifes sister that came out of the house behind us, and again told them both to get behind me. The man told me he had a gun, to mind my own business. In that split second I thought it was my time to go, the end I wanted for so long had presented itself to me, and it was almost like facing death. I decided this would be the best way to go, I lunged at the man and we started to fight, the mans brother came out and they both started to fight me, I fought back. Towards the end of it all, the man never pulled out his gun to shoot me. I walked away from the situation with a few bumps and bruises, I thought it was very brave of me to have the courage to face the sitaution as its easy to let fear overcome you, but also very stupid and dangerous, as one of my friends could have gotten hurt trying to help me without them knowing I was seeking death. Lifes experiences are very mysterious.

 

[Enrique]

@Carlos Very wise and inspirational words. Before T all I ever did was think of how to maximize profit financially. I was so caught up in working that I rarely took the time to enjoy much thinking about the future. It's hard to fully enjoy the pleasures in life but I still try and do. I have slowed down to enjoy what I have left. I don't wish to end my life but tomorrow is not guaranteed so I try to enjoy each day. Soon after I read your post directed to me I booked a vacation. I wish you find peace in your mind, heart, and soul. God can grant you that peace. Be it in this life or the next.