I'm Losing the Fight

[UKJon]

I'm losing the fight folks.

I'm doing everything I can and Glynis, Xynic and Billie48 have been especially supportive but I'm really struggling. Woke this morning and the T was not nice.

I sleep well due to medication. I have a masker which I use. I've had some good days recently but I feel that every time I get up, I'm knocked back down again. The goal posts keep on moving. My valium doesn't work well anymore and then it wears off and I remember the hole I'm in. I also have Zopiclone for emergencies if I can't doze off.

I'm just waiting all day for the night to return because my pills knock me out until lunchtime the following day so the morning is gone. I get up and try and do some work every day but the motivation is not there all the time. Habituation is as far away as ever and it's been nearly a year. Depression is returning. I'll never go abroad again. How can I get back fully into society? I'm on anti depressants already and on days like today, I just exist and try to get through each day.

Doctors, audiologists and counsellors are already involved but I'm out of ideas and so tired of fighting mentally.

My life is in ruins.

 

[dan]

I totally understand where you're coming from bro.
When I first got severe tinnitus over 4 years ago, the first year I did not sleep much. I just lay
in bed staring at the ceiling hoping to die. But in the 2nd year my body began getting used to falling
asleep to this very loud racket in my ears and today I can say I get the minimum required for human life and sometimes even more - depending on the scream of my T that night.
Mind you I use NO drugs, NO alcohol, NO herbal, NO supplements, NADA! Zilch, zero, Bubkis.
Its a decision you have to make for yourself and then you stick to it do or die!
Believe me I have probably the worst tinnitus loudness on this forum (checked in Switzerland by neurologist and not one person has yet so far beat my level - member Viking has tied me though according to his scans)

 

[Christian78]

I'm losing the fight folks.

I'm doing everything I can and Glynis, Xynic and Billie48 have been especially supportive but I'm really struggling. Woke this morning and the T was not nice.

I sleep well due to medication. I have a masker which I use. I've had some good days recently but I feel that every time I get up, I'm knocked back down again. The goal posts keep on moving. My valium doesn't work well anymore and then it wears off and I remember the hole I'm in. I also have Zopiclone for emergencies if I can't doze off.

I'm just waiting all day for the night to return because my pills knock me out until lunchtime the following day so the morning is gone. I get up and try and do some work every day but the motivation is not there all the time. Habituation is as far away as ever and it's been nearly a year. Depression is returning. I'll never go abroad again. How can I get back fully into society? I'm on anti depressants already and on days like today, I just exist and try to get through each day.

Doctors, audiologists and counsellors are already involved but I'm out of ideas and so tired of fighting mentally.

My life is in ruins.

This was my life before, then somehow i got better, then i used trobalt and got t free 3 months and t came back, but from diference from you my t went up permanently 7 times in 2 years.

Why you dont get trobalt?

 

[glynis]

Hi ukjon,
I wish you lived near and came to the tinnitus group Dot and I run.
Talking therapy does help and people their who have it too.

I totally understand when you wake up your not full if the joys of spring and you wake up to a horrid sound and no interest as your mood drops knowing its going be a tough day.

It will get better and learning to cope with your feelings and building up your confidence and structure to your day will help you .
Try do what you can and go for nice walks after your breakfast and keep motivated that your not going stop your ears from spoiling the day.....it will get easier and finding a support group would be good.
Im always happy chat on the phone to you too...lots of love glynis

 

[UKJon]

I could try Retigabine (Trobalt) but I'm currently on 150mg per day of Venlafaxine and this has helped but my anxiety is still too high for me to be able to really get better and right now I cannot see that happening.

I think I need to go up to 225mg per day and that is an option that has been offered to me. I've been doing better lately but the spikes are very hard to deal with although they only last some minutes. And I still haven't got used to baseline although I only really hear it in the quiet.

Even a dream can give me a spike on waking or if the previous day has been hard. I'm usually calmer in the evening because I know I'll sleep.

 

[dan]

And I still haven't got used to baseline although I only really hear it in the quiet.

Forget what I told you, it doesnt apply to you. You will be fine soon.

 

[Carlos1]

@UKJon
And I still haven't got used to baseline although I only really hear it in the quiet.

Jon consider yourself lucky if you only hear it in the quite you'll habituate give yourself time.
I always try to tell myself "be kind to your mind" stay away from negativity you'll be Ok

 

[UKJon]

When I read these replies, I get tearful with gratitude.

I just went out to mow the lawn (with earplugs in). When I came indoors, the T was down again. It's all so confusing.

Logging in again later. Thanks.

 

[glynis]

Ukjon,
Might be good to up your meds im on that one 75mg and 50mg amitryptaline for OA and sleep .
you are on the best meds and great you have your doctor on board and counsellor and im sure the dose increase will help your depression and anxiety .
Ask your doctor if he knows of any confidence groups that work voluntary in your area getting people back on track with their feelings and society. ...lots of love glynis

 

[UKJon]

Tried to relax with my masker on. Took another Valium and it did not work. Couldn't relax. This is no way to carry on. Fear, fear, fear.

 

[uae96]

Have a glass of wine , it calmed me so much during my flight
@UKJon

 

[SteveSkis92]

@UKJon Im sorry for your difficult day today. My T is similar in that I USUALLY only hear it in pretty quiet situations. Mine is very somatically influenced, so my posture when sitting on the couch or laying down is pretty important. It may help to change HOW you're relaxing. I found after a few months that slumping onto my couch was the "easy" way to "relax" but it increased my T.

Stay strong bud, I know how tough it can be. I feel TERRIBLY for the people with T much louder/more intrusive than ours, but I feel that having T that can only be heard in quiet can delay the habituation process. When there's a good day and you don't hear it, you think it may finally be gone, then all of the sudden you hear it, and your heart sinks to the floor......I get it, I really do. Hang in there...

Exercise always helps me, as well as deep breathing, and doing things you enjoy (as difficult as it is sometimes.) For me this is drawing. I can get lost in pen strokes for hours and I'll only hear my T once or twice. Granted, it took 10 months to get to this point, and I'm still not fully habituated by any means, but it's progress for sure. Do what you can to keep your mind off of it, stay strong, and be easy on yourself. I blame myself totally for my tinnitus, it was 150% avoidable, I just wasn't proactive in getting it checked out, and it's easier to pull a small weed than a 20 foot beast....be forgiving of yourself. I know it's tough, but we're human, and humans make mistakes..

Please stay strong Jon! Tinnitus is a scourge on humanity, but the fact that you're here asking for help in my opinion shows that you are stronger than T, even if you haven't realized it yet. Research is on our side at this point and even if it's not tomorrow or the next day, relief is on the way...

Have an excellent rest of your day! Feel free to message me anytime you need a friend!

-Steve

 

[glynis]

Have you tried some relaxing music.
Try Seamus Byrine CD called The Healer its great to relax too.
Ive played it to our group on relaxing chairs and had a few fall asleep and snoring.....lots of love glynis

 

[svg1204]

man if u wanna talk let me know ill give u my number call me up

 

[Sailboardman]

UKJon,

I can hear my T, standing next to a jet aircraft, upon full throttle take off! I'll trade with you anyday! Relax and be happy you have minor T. You'll have no problem habituating over time.

 

[billie48]

I could hear my T above the jet noise during flights, and above the roaring rapids in the salmon rivers I fished. I could not handle this T sound a few years back. On top of that I also had severe hyperacusis which turned all normal sounds piercingly hurtful as if being drilled by every normal voice, such as TV, driving, dish washing, restaurant noise, social conversation, not even the soft voice of my wife when speaking close to me. My T has been blasting most mornings resonating in my whole head. But these days, the brain is used to the T and won't react to it high or low. Couldn't do that before when T was new. Now, I live an absolutely enjoyable life regardless of T. There is no need to fight your T. Just accept it being there and focus on other areas of your life. If your T is only noticeable when quiet, count that as a blessing. Many have severe T (plus H in my case) and yet habituate to it over time. You be just fine. Give it time and learn some good strategies from reading the success stories.

 

[valeri]

And I still haven't got used to baseline although I only really hear it in the quiet.

If the above is true than the reason you're loosing a fight is not tinnitus related!

 

[UKJon]

You all must be tired of me whinging especially billie48 who has already typed a load of stuff for me. Don't think I'm not grateful because I am. I just need a ton of reassurance to allow me to get things into perspective.

Some of you are quite astute at reading between the lines and you're right. To many people, my T is mild even slight/zero at times. Anxiety and panic are my real problems. My character is flawed as I've always been a nervous/phobic/obsessive type. T strikes the fear of God into me and having to deal with the loss of my mother last Christmas has meant that 2015 has been a year that I hope to wipe from the slate. The 'S' word is also one that strikes terror into me. Being battered by the most dreadful thoughts for months takes a lot of resilience.

I salute you all especially those that have severe T and still enjoy life. If there is one thing I've learned from these forums, it's that I must protect my hearing. My T was caused by years of carer stress rather than noise. But I shall keep away from loud events and concerts (which I've never really been into anyway). And I don't shoot guns.

I used to go to Salsa classes and once a month we had a big party in a restaurant/bar in Nottingham. The last time I went (2013) caused that temporary buzzing when I left as I'd been close to a speaker. But that was gone next day. It taught me a lesson though.

Sometimes I feel a fraud on here but fear is fear even if my fear threshold is much lower than many. Many thanks again. I'm sure I'll be posting again.

Regards.

Jonathan

 

[glynis]

Hi ukjon,
Keep posting for lots of support.
It doesn't matter how loud your tinnitus is
Your emotional reaction to tinnitus is as important as anyones.
You have had a tough year and in your past been pushed to the edge but that won't happen again with us all here for you .
The fear of what might or might not happen with tinnitus is enough make us uneasy at times and spikes set people on a downwards slope but being on this forum will be a great support to who needs it and the BTA too......lots of love glynis

 

[billie48]

Peace to you @UKJon. I feel for you for losing your beloved mother. I have lost my only son to a freak accident when he was 5. So I know how hard it is to lose a love one who we treasure so much. Give it time. Time is a great healer, even immense grief and loss.

Some years ago I watched a documentary of a Japanese lady. She was the subject of a celebration because she was having her 100th birthday but more to that she was the lone survivor of her entire family clan in the atomic bomb. Besides losing all her love ones in a flash, she was also badly burned all over her body with scars and deformation. But I was teary to witness a happy old lady who has climbed the mountain of trials in her life and still find joy of living despite her ordeals. She displays a spirit of positivity that inspires anyone around her. The human spirit is capable to overcome awesome barriers in life for people who look for the positives in life.

For anxiety and panic, I have dealt with it most of my life. Mindfulness meditation can help soften the symptoms, and it can also help you learn to accept them, however hard at first. Search youtube for mindfulness and you will find many videos discussion the concept and showing you how to do. On TT, one member even shares his effective method on eliminating panic attack, as in here and it works:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-panic-attack-miracle-cure.7057/

I also found this paradoxical approach being mentioned as a powerful weapon against anxiety. Here is a site describing it and see if it will help you deal with your anxiety problem:

http://www.anxieties.com/66/panic-step6c#.VfsR3RFViko

 

[badger]

Hi, UKJon

I had similar feelings to yours 3 years and 6 months ago when I first got T. I felt completely unable to cope. I couldn't sleep, got deeply depressed, felt my life was over etc etc. The only thing that gave me hope was that so many people on-line spoke about their eventual "habituation". I spoke to a volunteer at the BTA who was an immense help, too, in the early days.

Very gradually, I went from a complete mess, for at least 18 months, to where I am now. The high-pitched sound I have, which I can hear all the time, and is almost impossible to mask, rarely bothers me - just what so many excellent people on these forums said would happen, something I didn't really believe. I can go for hours without being aware of it because I don't react emotionally to it any more. When it's quiet, like when I wake up in the morning it's super-loud, but I can ignore it by diverting my attention. I never believed this could ever happen in the early months.

Almost everyone gets to this point in the end, but it can take a really long time, and progress is not linear. I have never taken any medication, or tried any therapy, other than reading boards like this, and talking to fellow sufferers. Waiting to get to this stage has been agonising at times, but I got there, just like folk said I would, even though I found it impossible to believe. My view is that the degree of suffering is largely a result of our personality type. Those of us who are obsessive, or perfectionists, or anxious get it much worse, but we get there in the end. It just takes longer.

My life is now back to 99% of what it used to be, and often 100%. At the start it was below 1%, and saw no future. Hard to believe now.

I'm in Notts, so not too far from me. If you feel like speaking on the phone, let me know. You're not a fraud, by the way. It's pointless comparing "loudness" or type of tinnitus with anyone else because our emotional reactions are very different, and that's what causes the distress. You will be fine again sooner or later, trust me

 

[Bertman]

You all are such great people. I just have to say thank you for posting all these positive replies. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to ask for support but I can read threads like these and manage to find a glimmer of hope to get me through rest of the day.

 

[I who love music]

My guess is that the method I learned here works for most people. So... hopefully habituation is about a month away for you... try it...
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

 

[wishingluck]

UKJon, I am really desperate too. For this reason, I am sorry but I dare not read your message, although I have read the title. But I sincerely wish you well. I am desperate too. Last night I only slept 2 hours! and I have had a chronic fatigue problem for over 20 years. To me, not being able to sleep is a disaster. I have been a champ for almost 4 months, adapting to all the noises. But now it's changing again, it became worse. It's like no matter how well I adapt, I am being tested for more. I can even bear it during the day, but without sleep, I am finished. Now it's no longer bearable, which was very bad to start with I am having the worst time of my life. Completely alone and isolated too, and no matter how well I do, all kind of dark thoughts enter my mind. Sorry! I truly wish you all the best!

 

[wishingluck]

Dan, I truly admire you. My tinnitus sometimes becomes terrible too. If this doesn't improve, I don't know how am I going to pull it off. I have adapted well before that, but now it's different. Plus, the isolation and loneliness makes it 2 times worse than it already is. I wish you luck. Please do the same for me, I think I really need it.

WL

 

[glynis]

Wishing luck I'm happy talk with you on the phone if in the UK anytime ....lots of Love glynis ( as always its confidential )

 

[Mad maggot]

I do not think T is the problem. If your T disappeared completely I think you would still be stressed. Perhaps about something else. This sounds like General Anxiety Disorder. Or maybe Post Traumatic Stress? Look at GAD and treatments and see if anything sounds familiar and if you relate.
I have a friend who was treated with different meds for depression etc for many years and recently discovered that she has GAD and now has the right medicines and is coping much better.

 

[click]

You all must be tired of me whinging especially billie48 who has already typed a load of stuff for me. Don't think I'm not grateful because I am. I just need a ton of reassurance to allow me to get things into perspective.

Some of you are quite astute at reading between the lines and you're right. To many people, my T is mild even slight/zero at times. Anxiety and panic are my real problems. My character is flawed as I've always been a nervous/phobic/obsessive type. T strikes the fear of God into me and having to deal with the loss of my mother last Christmas has meant that 2015 has been a year that I hope to wipe from the slate. The 'S' word is also one that strikes terror into me. Being battered by the most dreadful thoughts for months takes a lot of resilience.

I salute you all especially those that have severe T and still enjoy life. If there is one thing I've learned from these forums, it's that I must protect my hearing. My T was caused by years of carer stress rather than noise. But I shall keep away from loud events and concerts (which I've never really been into anyway). And I don't shoot guns.

I used to go to Salsa classes and once a month we had a big party in a restaurant/bar in Nottingham. The last time I went (2013) caused that temporary buzzing when I left as I'd been close to a speaker. But that was gone next day. It taught me a lesson though.

Sometimes I feel a fraud on here but fear is fear even if my fear threshold is much lower than many. Many thanks again. I'm sure I'll be posting again.

Regards.

Jonathan

@UKJon

Don't ever feel like a fraud for being on here jon. Every one of us is different. Our brains react differently. One person with extremely loud T may be bothered less by it than someone with just a low hiss.

Mine goes away - completely. And then it comes back. Some say that I should be grateful for the silence. Well, right now my head is screeching unbearably (too much salt yesterday) and I don't feel grateful. I have a mountain of work to do and this noise is stopping me doing it.

I believe that intermittent T can be harder to habituate to.

Your suffering is just as valid as anyone else's.

Fear is one of the hardest things to overcome. I was terrified for the first year. I used to wake up shaking uncontrollably. Having been a total control freak pre-tinnitus, I now had something that I could do nothing about - something that no doctor seemed to be able to help with. It IS scary. And the fact that it's inconsistent, deprives us of sleep, stops us thinking clearly and can cost us our careers (I'm lucky... that's not happened to me.. yet) IS frightening.

For most of us, time has been the greatest healer. I still hate T but the constant fear has gone. Just occasionally it returns... but doesn't stay for long.

Hang in there. It may not go away but it's highly likely that life will get better as you adjust.

Click

 

[UKJon]

Thank you all for being so kind.