First of all, excuse my English.
By the end of November last year I noticed a faint ringing in my left ear, a low constant beeping sound. It was initially barely noticeable in silent environment (and for all I know it may have been there a while already when I first noticed it), however I was terrified and from here everything has gone straight to hell and I instantly found myself in a vicious spiral which has sent me into a living nightmare with depression and anxiety (both of which I am familiar with from earlier in my life, but this I just so much worse)
The sound instantly became all I could think of. In silent environments I would constantly listen to it and when I couldn't hear it (which after all was most of the time) I would still constantly listen for, obsessing and ruminating over it. (I am prone to OCD). It became a matter of life and death to get rid of it, and in the initial weeks I was hopeful it would go away. I went to see an ENT, who couldn't find anything physical wrong with my ears, but a standard hearing test found a small loss of high frequency hearing on my left ear. I have had an MRI, which was fine. I have seen a physiotherapist and naprapath without finding any relief. I have spent hundreds of hours on the web reading about tinnitus, several of this time spent on this forum which I'm afraid hasn't benefited my case at all. I have also tried hearing aids which I didn't find helpful at all, neither with masking programs turned on. My tinnitus seems to compete with any kind of masking I throw at it and just turns up the volume. In the initial months I would actually prefer complete silence as it was easier to deal with the tinnitus alone rather than listening to it in contrast to environmental sound.
During December the volume and character of the sound was more or less unchanged, maybe the volume increased a bit, but in January the sound grew louder and changed to a louder more hissing type which I found way more intrusive. I can't think of any other reason for this development than the fact that I for weeks now had spent every waking hour using 99% of my cognitive capacity dealing with it (in a most negative way). By now I found myself more or less mentally disabled, unable to do any of the things I used to (love). I can't work, I left my hobbies behind, I can't take care of my children, I even had to send my dog away so someone else could take care of her, and I guess I am more or less unable to take care of myself. The last months I haven't been able to get as much as a second of relief and I consider my life to be over and have constant suicidal thoughts.
In the middle of February it got really ugly when it started affect me sleep. I would wake up at night with the sound louder than ever, panicking and unable to fall asleep again. Some nights I couldn't sleep at all, others I would get like a total of 3-4 hours of interrupted bad sleep - this hasn't improved and for three weeks now I have been more or less dependent on benzo to get a couple of hours sleep. The sound has now become even more intrusive, a loud hissing/static sound which I can hear over everything, it scares the living hell out of me, and of course I have now also started to hear a sound in my right ear as well. My brain and body feels completely wrecked. I am hypersensitive, I have headache, sometimes pain in my ears, teeth, throat, face. I have pain in my back, I'm nauseous, have shivers, can't eat...
I have been on AD (SSRI - Escitalopram) for a couple of months now, this hasn't helped stopping this horrible downward spiral at all. For the last three weeks I've been taking 30 mg Sobril (Oxazepam) a couple of hours before going to sleep, and I guess I'm already in danger of developing tolerance/addiction and risking that the use of benzo now is contraindicated.
What started with a faint and harmful beeping sound - I have obviously mentally dealt with in a way that has created a monster! Any chance this could return to where it all started?
I'm under the impression that most people that have sudden onset of tinnitus usually don't experience a continuous worsening (rather the opposite). I could probably eventually have learned to cope with the initial sound once the the anxiety/depression was under control, but the fact that I seem to be able to worsen the tinnitus by dealing with it in a very negative way freaks me out. This isn't a spike but as if my constant focus on the sound actually makes changes in my brain/neuroactivity so that the volume is gradually turning up and the character of the sound changes. I have been monitoring my "good ear" as well, and what other reason than this constant awareness could be the reason that I eventually experience tinnitus in this ear as well. I have considered if it's just my anxiety 'playing tricks with me', but it is quite obvious that my condition is gradually worsening when comparing my tinnitus (volume and character) to environmental sounds in my everyday life.
Wow, I mean, you have kids, you didn't do anything or take anything to cause tinnitus, and you think that researching it made it worse with anxiety. You even take drugs like an antidepressant (an antidepressant gave me tinnitus) and benzos which can have tinnitus as a discontinuation side effect. You're struggling with suicide; yes me too. I can't imagine a person who has kids would ever think of suicide.
I think the reason my life is so unfortunate and that I am so sad all the time is because my mother committed suicide when I was 14. I remember sitting on my bed all alone to stunned to cry thinking that I will never see or talk to, or even hug my mom ever again. She shot herself in the chest I think, but no one would really talk to me about it.
So, Since I was 14 up until now 26 I have been depressed and have always avoided taking drugs my idiot doctor would prescribe me. It wasn't until I graduated college during the pandemic and couldn't get a decent paying job in any office even in my field of study, and a few more events that pushed me to take a drug I never wanted to take and something I knew would only do more damaged than good. But everyone said it take 1 month for antidepressants to kick in, and that I had already lost enough of my life to sitting in my room and crying that I needed to change, and the propaganda was that these drugs can change the years of structural changes that depression has on the brain.
I took the antidepressant Pristiq 50 mg for 3 weeks and stopped immediately when I couldn't sleep because it sounded like trains were trying to stop on track in my brain as well as with an intense buzz all throughout my brain. My idiot doctor sent me to get blood drawn because she didn't think the drug did it. Stupid b!tch mindless doctor ruined my life.
For 10 years I was depressed. Now after 3 weeks of taking an antidepressant and it giving me severe permanent tinnitus that I have struggled with like you everyday, every second of every waking minute I suffer with the fact I took a drug that gave this to me that I never wanted to take from a idiot doctor. My depression is much much worse and by that I mean I stop myself from tying a belt around my neck and driving to the store to buy a gun. I'm 26 I have no real friends and I hate the ones I let in my life. I've never had a girlfriend, and just barely got a job that pays me enough to support myself on an extremely low living budget.
I'd like to give myself 2-3 more years to see if the tinnitus will go away, but by then my 20s are finally over and I am officially never going to get a girl that is physically attractive or even a decent human because the race is done, they had kids and got married. So imagine my life, you think you want to kill yourself, you at least have children that you have to provide for that you had. That should be enough to get up and work for. But what do I have, a broken past and a hard future that I can't enjoy because I'm mentally ill with depression and now OCD and ADHD because of how loud and constant my tinnitus is.
I can't even watch a movie without it on max volume to not hear my tinnitus. I can't drive in my car without listening to loud music to stop me from being a reckless driver with anxiety, trying not to kill myself just going to the grocery store to buy food to continue this miserable cycle.
I've been to 5 ENTs. I had an MRI. My hearing is perfect, I don't have brain cancer. Pristiq that terrible drug gave me this condition that has worsen my previous condition that was already life threatening mentally.
The worse part is I keep thinking that the tinnitus is going to go away. It's been a fucking year and it's still ringing loud and constant. Maybe only reduced by 10-15% after 1 year. Then when I start to get anxious, just sitting minding my own business because this shit is always on my mind, I start to pace and eventually start cussing and punching myself. I can't take many more of these cycles because one day it will escalate into me getting so sick of this I will shoot myself in the head. Suicide runs in my family, not only my mother killed herself but my uncle, and great grandfather too.
I have nothing to live for, tinnitus has ruined my life and I have no hope to ever enjoy my life because of how over sensitized I am to things and the way my anger is unhinged and I will aim it at anyone for anything they done that aggravates me.
It sucks and life sucks, I can win and no one helps me. Not even when I posted my introduction story did anyone leave me a reply. Your tinnitus has a good chance at going away, but I have no idea since mine is from taking a drug and I would have never had tinnitus if I never took that drug.
I've also been suffering longer than you and am younger it seems. So my anger and aggression wouldn't play a part here, but what am i suppose to say to you, if you know what I mean. You have kids and I don't. I haven't killed myself yet so neither should you. I guess that is what I'm saying. But If you do want to, please do it when your kids are able to support themselves.