I'm Not Committing Suicide. I'm Being Murdered by Merciless Tinnitus.

[jjflyman]

As I edge ever closer to the end of the road I've come to the conclusion that I will not be committing suicide. This just is not the truth of of what's happening here. I loved my life. I had so much to live for. But tinnitus has systematically taken away my enjoyment of all the things I loved and more importantly robbed me of a basic human essential..... hope. It's basically slowly murdering me and a life of AD's and benzo's etc to zombify myself to the misery of living like a shell of a person is just not for me.

I'm sorry for the negativity but my life now is no longer worth living. My tinnitus is off the scale bad. Unmaskable high pitched hell. Like having a sheet metal factory in my head 24/7. And yes I've tried everything. Over 10 grand of therapists and treatments, including Levo. Now I'm down to good old fashioned drinking to numb the hell until I pluck up the courage to punch my ticket.

I've seen arguments on here that severe tinnitus isn't as bad as cancer, the loss of a loved one etc etc blah blah blah. Well sorry from my experience it's not even close to the horror of 24/7 ear splitting incurable tinnitus hell. Sorry, different level. I watched my father die in a car crash before my very eyes when I was a teenager and the grief that created was not even close to the sadness I wake up with every single morning for the last 7 months as I watch my entire existence washed away in a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day. Pure misery day after day on a monotonous loop. As I said to a therapist. It's like being raped and then being forced to live with the person that raped you every single day for the rest of your life as they taunt you day and night, spend all your money and go through your phone destroying every single one of your relationships.

I know there's a lot of well meaning folks on here but sadly it's become very apparent to me that despite the outpourings of genuine desperation and suffering on this site people who don't have tinnitus just think everyone one here is either a weirdo attention seeker, a troll or a hypochondriac with mental problems. This is despite my being a high functioning, zero mental health problems, 'normal' person before all this. This sadly is why all the 'awareness' we are creating is a total waste of time and those of us with genuinely torturous levels of this affliction live in a miserable island of painful isolation where death seems like the only viable way out.

For all you severe veterans I have come to the conclusion that you are either
A) hardcore as hell and deserve to be knighted, given a large haul of medals and a castle.
B) scared shitless of suicide
C) lying about how bad your tinnitus is... or ...
D) a weirdo attention seeker, troll, hypochondriac with mental problems

Zero offence intended and I wish you all peace and silence....however unattainable.

I totally understand. I've been it the hell of Tinnitus 2 times. Both times (acoustic trauma) it was so loud I could hear/feel it reverberating off the walls when I went down a hallway. So loud and piercing it hurt, and I never thought it would get better, but it did.
I don't mean I habituated, or learned to "tune it out"....I mean it faded away (first time) to where I couldn't hear it anymore..GONE after 2 years.....this time it has faded 90% in 20 months, and still fading.
It looks like you have tried everything to help your T, the only thing left is to give it TIME.
Hopefully, a year from now it will be much improved. T is not always permanent, but it can take 2 years or more for it to fade away. I hope you decide hang on longer, maybe it will start to fade.
I am praying for you

 

[Starthrower]

Check out my introduction. Car crash, nerve damage, chronic pain, splash of pain/life related depression following it, loss of work, self imposed isolation, and BOOM! The chief audiologist in my area said it's the most extreme tinnitus story he's ever encountered. My life literally fell apart because some woman decided to send a text whilst driving. It's not an easy read but i know you're quite hardcore Bill so i doubt it will dent your stride. Apparently i have no hearing loss but my nerve damage is bad. My feet, hands tingle, often i can't lift my arms off the bed because they're just completely dead.

@Bam I just now read through this account of your accident caused by a texting while driving idiot.

Your first post here was written so well! Have you thought about writing an article and submitting it to a newspaper? Timing is everything with awareness and texting while driving is a big one now. You are the example of what can happen in an instant because of someone's stupidity and carelessness. Your account of your pain in your first page and the title are stunning (sadly). I think a great deal of awareness of the severity of severe trauma tinnitus as a direct result of the incident would capture readers attention towards two causes.

Your voice and misery with tinnitus needs to be heard. You could even submit it to other Tinnitus organizations like the BTA.

Make it matter. Your words are so well written. People need to read this.

I hope you are finding some sort of inner peace even it moment by moment.

 

[Alex Senkowski]

Yup, I figured that's all we can do anyways until (a) there is a cure or (b) it gets better.
On the bright side, my hearing and T don't seem to be worsening... so cheers to that.

Didn't you have a picture wearing a hat before?

Yeah, but I didn't look so great under the hat.

 

[Bam]

@jjflyman Thanks mate. I've read your words of hope over and over and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. It was a boost to read that.

@Lane Thanks Lane. Like all of us struggling i'm veering all over the road of life like a lunatic but still hanging on to the wheel somehow.

@Bill Bauer Thanks Bills. I write from the heart and this affliction makes you really search around in there.

@Starthrower Hey Star. Thanks for your kind words and support. Ironically a couple of months ago i was making up my will - never had one before T - and i left the vast majority of my estate to the BTA. I guess i was trying to make some sort of statement along the lines of 'holy crap this successful intelligent guy with no previous issues topped himself and left a million dollars to a tinnitus charity....I never knew that ear ringing thing could get that bad!'

But to be honest i've since changed that decision and have just gone with what i would have done before this whole episode started and support animal welfare charities instead.

My reasoning is that my lawyer informed me that i couldnt stipuate them using the money to fund a cure as this would just be too difficult to implement and would lead to a whole load of claims from all over the world. Sadly left to their own devices i suspected that although i was going to ask you all to pressure the BTA to use the money for research, they would just spend it on bull**** fliers telling kids to wear earplugs.

Sadly the BTA proclaim there mission is to 'live in a world where nobody suffers from tinnitus'. But when you actually go on to the BTA website their testimonials are just the most inane sugar coated tripe about how Margaret et al had a 'real struggle' with her T when it first started but is now really coping well by diverting her attention to her vegetable patch and playing whale noises at night. Now magically she only hears her tinnitus when she concentrates on it and she's back living her life like it doesn't exist. In fact everyone in the BTA world hardly hears their tinnitus. Anyone perusing their site would quite wrongly assume the affliction is totally banal and simply avoided by wearing ear plugs and not thinking about it. Therefore why would anyone donate money and how the hell are they going to rid the world of tinnitus with no money because they're plugging the fact that it's not that bad. It's akin to an AIDS charity trying to raise money by showing a load of healthy kids running around in Africa kicking a football and having a laugh with their mates under the slogan. 'AIDS....It's annoying.....but you soon get used to it and life goes on!'

Sadly i think if i relayed my story to them rather than making it front and centre of a campaign to raise awareness for just how disastrous T can be - and earplugs won't save you half the time - they would run a mile. I am going to email them anyway though just to see what they're reaction is.

I'm guessing they'll tell me to get a veg patch and some whale noises.

 

[Bam]

@Agrajag364 Sorry i'm new to this whole forum business and trying to remember to reply to everyone. Thank you for your support again and i must say you seem like one of the most rational minds on here....which is most needed amongst all this madness.

@PaulBe Hey Paul. Sorry about some of my comments regards cancer even though i know you took them in the spirit of my distress. I pray everything works out for you on both fronts and i praise you for your fortitude in the face of what must be a unbelievable journey of self discovery.

@Greg Sacramento Thanks Greg for all your advice and support. I'm fully engaged with the chiropractic, physical side at the moment and hope for better days. I'll keep you posted.

@Equalizer Thanks Equalizer. I feel honoured to have received a dose of your piquant tinnitus gloom.....Trust me i feel your pain and understand.

 

[john paul]

@Wolfears I hear you man. That's what makes this so hard for family and friends too. A year ago i was the guy my friends looked up to. Good looking, funny, successful, million pound house in London, holiday home on the coast, nice car, into fitness and diet. All the stuff people aspire to even though it never meant all that much to me. I just loved walking, writing, reading, gardening, camping, hanging with my partner watching movies, sleeping soundly with the dog tucked under my legs. Simple pleasures. I wanted to one day have a farm and take in rescue animals and that was all than kept me working in the material world. I'm nearly 40 and was ready to make the leap and then WHAM! Have a dose of this nightmare. Which only underlines how insanely cruel this condition is and why right now i would rather not be here. It literally took all my favourite pastimes and dreams of the future and slaughtered them with noise. Add to the cruelty everyone reminding me of all my positive attributes and not realising how they're all inconsequential now because my T is so overwhelming. It's a sneaky nasty bitch of a affliction that hides it's claws from everyone but those who truly suffer.

I know that i don't need to explain this to you but i suppose a part of me hopes that someone somewhere will read this and realise how much we need their help. But to be honest i often wonder now if it's too late. Even if the ringing disappeared tomorrow the fear of it's return and the echoes of trauma will remain for a lifetime. Doctors and the bleedin tinnitus associations don't get it. We get f***ed with this noise for no earthly reason and they expect us to just be chilled out and relax to constant nature sounds. They need to wake up. The internet exists and it's groaning with suicide stories. The Tinnitus genie is out of the bottle and the only way it's going back in is with a recognised cure.

There are many things you have said that i feel are so true, being murdered being one of them, being raped every night the other. Wether i'm suffering in the moment or not, i'm always suffering knowing who i'm going to be getting into bed with later on. Medicine has failed us completely, when you read whats on offer for sufferers its like going back 500 years and looking at what was on offer for people back then. I literally made millions of pounds last year and opened all the doors in my life for the first time ever, after 5 years from deciding i wanted to be rich. Pretty much in the same month as realising my dream i get this condition while out spending money thats burning a hole in my pocket. The worst part is knowing when i started to win at life that something terrible was going to happen to me because thats just how my life goes. I couldn't care less about any of the money anymore and as a result of getting Tinnitus and not caring anymore ive potentially lost a substantial amount of it. I cant win in this life, but then most people who seem successful and gifted would tell you its a curse, always 2 sides to every coin. Life is still a big mystery, i'm more convinced than ever ill never settle down and be happy. This is life though, its always been a struggle from day one, it is the very nature of being alive.

 

[David077]

Try benzos. Talk to a doctor.

Benzo is like a Satan, gives you relief at first, but in the end waiting for you in the corner and slaughters your life.

 

[Bam]

@john paul Its insane. This disease should be striking absolute terror in to the hearts of millions with its ferocity and how it can savage your life but people are genuinely more aware of skin cancer and wearing sunscreen than ending up with an affliction that renders everything else in your life and all your previous achievements utterly pointless. T has wiped out every good memory I ever had and left me dicing with death every single day.

 

[Bam]

Benzo is like a Satan, gives you relief at first, but in the end waiting for you in the corner and slaughters your life.

Ironically much like tinnitus.

 

[john paul]

@john paul Its insane. This disease should be striking absolute terror in to the hearts of millions with its ferocity and how it can savage your life but people are genuinely more aware of skin cancer and wearing sunscreen than ending up with an affliction that renders everything else in your life and all your previous achievements utterly pointless. T has wiped out every good memory I ever had and left me dicing with death every single day.

Yeah nobody really mentions the tinnitus part of hearing loss either. Why? personally i just feel like everyone and everything around me has failed me. I mean i walk into a public place on a night out and am subjected to volume levels that should be straight up against the law. I knew it was loud but i didn't know about the dangers, i was only there for 30 minutes as i couldn't take it but it was too late. For something which is so cruel, completely in curable and in the majority of cases avoidable why do so many people have this condition. Nobody cares is the only answer i can think of, nobody can see it, it doesn't exist, we are wimps, suck it up.

 

[Bam]

Yeah nobody really mentions the tinnitus part of hearing loss either. Why? personally i just feel like everyone and everything around me has failed me. I mean i walk into a public place on a night out and am subjected to volume levels that should be straight up against the law. I knew it was loud but i didn't know about the dangers, i was only there for 30 minutes as i couldn't take it but it was too late. For something which is so cruel, completely in curable and in the majority of cases avoidable why do so many people have this condition. Nobody cares is the only answer i can think of, nobody can see it, it doesn't exist, we are wimps, suck it up.

We are f***ing unlucky is what we are. As humans we're hardwired to believe nothing that bad will ever happen to us or we would be permanently terrified. If I had known one day I was going to get this from stress and having a sore neck I would have spent half my life being massaged on a desert island millions of miles from the rest of the world. Too late now. Tinnitus sadly very rarely gives second chances.

 

[Kritish Gooriah]

TMJ can cause neck problems and negativity isn't good for your stress.

 

[Bill Bauer]

I literally made millions of pounds last year and opened all the doors in my life for the first time ever, after 5 years from deciding i wanted to be rich.

How did you do it, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Starthrower]

I am going to email them anyway though just to see what they're reaction is.

@Bam did you send the email to the BTA?

I understand everything you wrote. Sadly legacies left behind are forgotten by organizations like the BTA or ATA. The important factor is someone someday will get it and you never know who is touched but it happens.

Standing up and speaking out is the answer. If we give up we are forgotten. I get scared getting back into this because I left a while ago to save myself the agony of being....hurt.

Ed's fundraiser made me realize it is a way to stand up and speak out and be heard.

 

[john paul]

How did you do it, if you don't mind me asking?

Crypto currency. Turned a few thousand into £2.5m, pretty crazy right. It quite depressing when you realise first hand that money cant buy you happiness, especially when your head is screeching 24/7. I thought this year was going to be amazing, its been pretty much the exact opposite.

 

[Bill Bauer]

Crypto currency. Turned a few thousand into £2.5m

That Is incredible: to be so lucky and then to get that unlucky...

At least you don't need to work now.

 

[Bam]

Crypto currency. Turned a few thousand into £2.5m, pretty crazy right. It quite depressing when you realise first hand that money cant buy you happiness, especially when your head is screeching 24/7. I thought this year was going to be amazing, its been pretty much the exact opposite.

It's actually very common that when you get a good run in life that something awfully bad is lurking, usually not as bad as T however. I fully understand how the comforts of material possessions offer nothing to us now. Not onyour scale however. Bet you would trade the lot for no T. I know I would. I'd happily clean toilets for 7 quid an hour and live in a tent the rest of my life for this not to have happened.

 

[Bam]

We have gained great wisdom, at huge cost.

 

[john paul]

Bet you would trade the lot for no T. I know I would.

Id trade it all for silence and promise id never dream of it again. Its all useless when you cant sit still or go anywhere or experience joy anymore or be around anyone. I cant buy my way out of this mess even. Its a curse to have too much money, it took me along time to deal with the regret of going out, all the what ifs. I felt lucky to have left my job, but i wouldn't be able to do it now anyway. I felt lucky to be able to lie in bed in a morning but I cant enjoy it anymore. Its not been easy coming to terms with it i tell you, but in a strange way i was prepared for it because somehow something always wrecks things when they get good. Its actually terrifying when i think about it too much it fries my noggin.

 

[Lane]

It quite depressing when you realise first hand that money cant buy you happiness

.

I think this is one of life's lessons that we all have to learn at some point--whether a person is rich, poor, or somewhere in between. I'll admit that having money gives us many more options in life, but there's never any guarantee of happiness from that either.

Regarding the options to explore however, I have to say I'm amazed that some on this board have almost completely given up on having their t and/or h improving. There's so many things out there to try, and so many stones left unturned, that I feel pretty strongly most of us can make at least some kind of improvement by figuring out what works for us as individuals. Here's a LINK to a post I ran across last night that connects with my thinking.

I've recently run across other references to obscure things that might help, such as C60, sodium thiosulfate, tuning forks, and several more. I would urge those who've given up on improving--even perhaps significantly--to not forget about these things. There's a lot of things to try, many of which can help a little. And I think there's always the possibility that one thing could end up helping a LOT. -- Here's an EXAMPLE:

I suspect that in the end, our own creativity--or lack of it--could end up being a significant determining factor in eventual individual outcomes.
​

 

[Ismael]

excuse my english if I do not express well

Dear Bam, you are not alone, many of us feel like you, the mind has played us wrong thinking that life is not possible with tinnitus, it is a big lie, the problem is thinking about your previous life, this life is new and the human body will adapt, believe in the strength of your human spirit, do not be afraid of the day that dawns, go ahead always, with noise or noise,
keep going ,
time will work your miracle and way

 

[Starthrower]

I suspect that in the end, our own creativity--or lack of it--could end up being a significant determining factor in eventual individual outcomes.

Wow. I wish I felt free to write a few experiences but...not yet. I get all weirdly nervous and find myself pulling away when I try. Sometimes I do get into writing more without thinking too much.

@Bam you are special in a unique way I hope with time you will find inner peace because without your voice - we all go silent and are not listened to. Your first post and the title of this is perfection of the turmoil with tinnitus. I hope you send it to the BTA.

 

[dayma]

Id trade it all for silence and promise id never dream of it again. Its all useless when you cant sit still or go anywhere or experience joy anymore or be around anyone. I cant buy my way out of this mess even. Its a curse to have too much money, it took me along time to deal with the regret of going out, all the what ifs. I felt lucky to have left my job, but i wouldn't be able to do it now anyway. I felt lucky to be able to lie in bed in a morning but I cant enjoy it anymore. Its not been easy coming to terms with it i tell you, but in a strange way i was prepared for it because somehow something always wrecks things when they get good. Its actually terrifying when i think about it too much it fries my noggin.

Similar story here also. Money can't buy us peace at this point.

 

[Starthrower]

Turned a few thousand into £2.5m, pretty crazy right. It quite depressing when you realise first hand that money cant buy you happiness, especially when your head is screeching 24/7. I thought this year was going to be amazing, its been pretty much the exact opposite.

Yep. I felt the same way and in the same situation as @Bam @john paul. That was back in 2002. The first couple of years suck with tinnitus. Given time you will be surprised at what will happen with your life with tinnitus. It is different of course. But life is out there.

Sometimes giving helps others and in turn makes you feel....like it matters.

Try donating to this TT fundraiser but it ends tomorrow:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/let’s-support-tinnitus-talk.28997/

 

[Bam]

.

I have to say I'm amazed that some on this board have almost completely given up on having their t and/or h improving.
​

[/QUOTE

I think this is hugely dependent on how loud or relentless your T is but it's nearly impossible to stay hopeful after months or years of constant torture. It's hard for people to fathom but severe T is so similar to CIA style noise torture, but also infinitely worse as there's very little chance it will ever end. I recently watched a number of recruits on an SAS style show being 'tortured' by white noise for one night, just ONE NIGHT. All of them knew they could tap out and the noise would stop if they wanted it to and try by the morning all of them could stand it no longer and most were crying and desperate. That's ONE NIGHT. Let that truly sink in and realise that some of us have done many months and years of this with no let up, no tapping out, no escape. What we endure is the stuff of nightmares. If your T is unmaskable and 24/7 it's an unthinkable life.

 

[Bam]

I think this is hugely dependent on how loud or relentless your T is but it's nearly impossible to stay hopeful after months or years of constant torture. It's hard for people to fathom but severe T is so similar to CIA style noise torture, but also infinitely worse as there's very little chance it will ever end. I recently watched a number of recruits on an SAS style show being 'tortured' by white noise for one night, just ONE NIGHT. All of them knew they could tap out and the noise would stop if they wanted it to and try by the morning all of them could stand it no longer and most were crying and desperate. That's ONE NIGHT. Let that truly sink in and realise that some of us have done many months and years of this with no let up, no tapping out, no escape. What we endure is the stuff of nightmares. If your T is unmaskable and 24/7 it's an unthinkable life.

 

[Bam]

excuse my english if I do not express well

Dear Bam, you are not alone, many of us feel like you, the mind has played us wrong thinking that life is not possible with tinnitus, it is a big lie, the problem is thinking about your previous life, this life is new and the human body will adapt, believe in the strength of your human spirit, do not be afraid of the day that dawns, go ahead always, with noise or noise,
keep going ,
time will work your miracle and way

Forget your English those are beautiful words my friend.

 

[Bam]

Yep. I felt the same way and in the same situation as @Bam @john paul. That was back in 2002. The first couple of years suck with tinnitus. Given time you will be surprised at what will happen with your life with tinnitus. It is different of course. But life is out there.

Sometimes giving helps others and in turn makes you feel....like it matters.

Try donating to this TT fundraiser but it ends tomorrow:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/let's-support-tinnitus-talk.28997/

Donated.

 

[Depressed]

It's all so cruel and absurdly brutal that it feels surreal. A noise ringing for every instant of your existence that won't give you any breaks, sometimes even if you cut the auditory nerves. It sounds like some torturer's idea, or a rare condition that one could hear from a tv program about illnesses, but here we are.

I don't really know what to say to cheer you up, but i guess that talking with people that know what you're going through can also be helpful; i personally feel very identified with your words. I also have suicidal thoughts, and as you said, tinnitus is a murderer, that we can't still bring to justice. This terrible condition pushed my father to commit suicide on the 8th of this month, after a year and half of suffering. I'm devastated and i don't have much will to live, not only i have to deal with the pain of the loss but also with the same condition that killed him.

Unlike you, my life wasn't particularly great before this condition. I guess it's easier to adapt to a new level shitness when your're already unhappy, but it's still devastating; the depression i had is nothing compared to this. Ironically, i got my tinnitus from an antidepressant (bupropion) that was supposed to help me. It's so cruel that i still can't believe it. I even was doing some good progress improving my life, and not thanks to that bloody antidepressant which i only took for less than a month.

I'm a newbie to this nightmare and my tinnitus isn't as loud as yours, the only thing i can say is that there are people whose tinnitus genuinely improved, even after years of having it. And as a last resource, i'd want to have my auditory nerves cut, as there's a chance the tinnitus stops or improves.

Today it's been a month since i got tinnitus, and needless to say it's been the worst days of my life. As i'm writing this with only my right hand, since my left hand is burning with pain thanks to an accident with boiling soup, i'm hearing the annoying noises from multiple fireworks and firecrackers and it's extra pissing me off. Today's San Juan and it's the typical thing to do for this festivity, but i can't help being angry. It's depressing seeing how little awareness there's of this condition. There are people out there who are about to ruin their lives over a firecracker or other loud noise exposures

 

[Lane]

If your T is unmaskable

I'm not sure if you're indirectly asking, but my t is for the most part unmaskable--I'd say about two times louder than normal TV volume. It's mostly high pitched and ringing, but can spike for a few seconds at a time, sort of like a mosquito going straight into my ears, or even various parts of my brain. I hear it over literally everything, and the more I try to mask it, the louder it seems to get. It seems to match (and overtake) the volume of the masking in another sort of cruel, bizarre, calculating way. -- And my h is absolutely absurd.

I'm grateful at this time that helichrysum oil applied topically to my ears, and the CBD oil taking internally seems to be helping take a bit of an edge off from what I was experiencing in the very beginning. Since I've only been at this for a little over four months, it feels like I'm only just starting to explore various therapies that might also help. So I try to stay hopeful, though I'm not always successful at doing that. Today's been a particularly rough day.
​

Sometimes giving helps others and in turn makes you feel....like it matters.

@Starthrower, very important point. It can go a long way in directing our energies outward, which seems to lessen the impact of our own difficulties, no matter what they may be. I think gratitude is also a big thing. It's so easy to focus on what we have to endure, and what's been taken away from us. Which makes it more difficult to be grateful for what we have.

As much as I know this however, it's still a daily struggle to feel gratitude. One thing I'm currently grateful for is my sleep is vastly improved over what it was in the beginning, though most sleep specialists would probably say my sleep is pretty terrible. But it's way better than the 1/2 to 1 hour sleep I was getting in the beginning, in 5-10 minute segments.
​

P.S. I'm very much enjoying and appreciating this discussion and thread, with it's philosophical components. If ever there was a time for philosophical/spiritual introspection, this would be it! -- Thanks to all.

All the Best...