Member- Dec 17, 2015
- 577
- Tinnitus Since
- December 2nd, 2015
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Acoustic trauma (loud concert for 1h)
Hello guys,
I just need to vent a bit.
I am SO fed up with how tinnitus controls almost every part of my life. I can't help it, I have tried so many times to stop worrying and being anxious. Every time when I feel I have some control, something happens, usually an acoustic trauma (anything from a car honking right next to me, dropping glass in the sink, accidentally having phone/headphones on max etc) and that just sends me back to being in my bed, anxious and being in a terrible mood overall.
I don't want it to control me anymore. I get worried when I have to go to new places I haven't been before, what is the noise is too loud? Pop an earplug in and then I just sit there quiet because I don't want to hear myself inside my own head.
I don't want to fly anymore because I get anxious from the noise level. What if I get a barotrauma? What if I am just a little clogged up in my nose without realizing and then bam, hearing loss?
I don't want to be scared to walk on the street, just in case there is a motorbike or a loud car passing by. Or even worse, fire trucks and ambulances. I try to plug my ears as much as I can or run into the nearest store. But it's still a thought in the back of my head, and I try to walk to work as fast as I can (the faster I reach my job, the less time there is for me to get exposed?)
I don't want to hang out with friends anymore because cafées are too loud. Clinging with glasses, espresso machines and all that. Too much noise.
I get worried when I cook at home, that the fire alarm is gonna go off (it did twice right over my head) and I have to open up all my windows (even when it's freezing cold) just to make sure the ooze can't reach the alarm.
I get angry at my partner when he accidentally drops a plate when picking clean dishes out from dishwasher. It's not like he meant to drop it but I get angry because it is loud and I get worried it might hurt me.
I get angry at myself when I get caught in accident I couldn't control or forsee. I just dropped my phone on the stone floor with the facing lying down, and it was loud. I got angry at myself for even having my phone, but it wasn't like I planned to drop it. It happens. But I get angry and start to blame myself for being an idiot and now it might be causing harm. If not this incident, then maybe the next one. Eventually I must build up so much trauma it does damage? Or maybe it doesn't? I don't know, and that is the worst part.
Not knowing if you did damage, if you only got a spike, when the spike is going away, why I even did x or y. I should have done this and that instead. Why, why, why? Why didn't I?
I don't want to be controlled like this. I just want to be able to be exposed to stuff (don't want to be face it, one will be a few times during the lifetime) that isn't really harmful without going to full panic mode every single time.
I just need to vent a bit.
I am SO fed up with how tinnitus controls almost every part of my life. I can't help it, I have tried so many times to stop worrying and being anxious. Every time when I feel I have some control, something happens, usually an acoustic trauma (anything from a car honking right next to me, dropping glass in the sink, accidentally having phone/headphones on max etc) and that just sends me back to being in my bed, anxious and being in a terrible mood overall.
I don't want it to control me anymore. I get worried when I have to go to new places I haven't been before, what is the noise is too loud? Pop an earplug in and then I just sit there quiet because I don't want to hear myself inside my own head.
I don't want to fly anymore because I get anxious from the noise level. What if I get a barotrauma? What if I am just a little clogged up in my nose without realizing and then bam, hearing loss?
I don't want to be scared to walk on the street, just in case there is a motorbike or a loud car passing by. Or even worse, fire trucks and ambulances. I try to plug my ears as much as I can or run into the nearest store. But it's still a thought in the back of my head, and I try to walk to work as fast as I can (the faster I reach my job, the less time there is for me to get exposed?)
I don't want to hang out with friends anymore because cafées are too loud. Clinging with glasses, espresso machines and all that. Too much noise.
I get worried when I cook at home, that the fire alarm is gonna go off (it did twice right over my head) and I have to open up all my windows (even when it's freezing cold) just to make sure the ooze can't reach the alarm.
I get angry at my partner when he accidentally drops a plate when picking clean dishes out from dishwasher. It's not like he meant to drop it but I get angry because it is loud and I get worried it might hurt me.
I get angry at myself when I get caught in accident I couldn't control or forsee. I just dropped my phone on the stone floor with the facing lying down, and it was loud. I got angry at myself for even having my phone, but it wasn't like I planned to drop it. It happens. But I get angry and start to blame myself for being an idiot and now it might be causing harm. If not this incident, then maybe the next one. Eventually I must build up so much trauma it does damage? Or maybe it doesn't? I don't know, and that is the worst part.
Not knowing if you did damage, if you only got a spike, when the spike is going away, why I even did x or y. I should have done this and that instead. Why, why, why? Why didn't I?
I don't want to be controlled like this. I just want to be able to be exposed to stuff (don't want to be face it, one will be a few times during the lifetime) that isn't really harmful without going to full panic mode every single time.
