Brian P first came to my attention last summer (although we didn't begin speaking until later that autumn) a few months after I joined Tinnitus Talk. He immediately stood out as a member of the forum to me because of his blunt delivery of opinion, pessimistic/realistic predictions (depending on one's own perspective) with regards to the likelihood of future treatments for our illness, and transparency in depicting publicly what developing severe tinnitus had reduced his life to. There was no mistaking him for someone who was sharing anything other than their honest and unvetted thoughts and feelings. That is to say, it's plain to see he never shared anything with the aim of being "liked". However you felt about him, he was undisputedly genuine and true to himself.
Like many people here, Brian P was a victim of misfortune, just doing what he thought was best to keep healthy, safe and alive for himself, his family and his friends. He developed Meniere's disease in 2016 and subsequently developed mild tinnitus a year later. Then, in February 2021 wanting to avoid any complications with COVID-19 and his asthma, opted to take the COVID-19 Pfizer shots. Unfortunately after his second shot, his tinnitus jumped from mild to severe, and a taper off of a six week course of Clonazepam prescribed to him by his ENT for the newly onset severe tinnitus, only served to make things worse. In the time after his severe onset, he made two attempts to take his own life (despite only just having become a father the same year; an indication of just how much pain he must have been in), although both were unsuccessful.
To his credit, the reason I can tell you all this, is again, because he made no effort to hide the reality of what he was going, and had been, through. He shared, unabashed, the details of his suicide attempts, and was candid about the fact they would not necessarily be his last. He told us his story on the forum, and no matter how unpleasant some of it might have been, and despite some members even trying to silence him, he did so for the benefit of others, so that they might not go wrong where he had.
Although I didn't know him then, my belief is that prior to tinnitus, Brian P was an extremely popular and charismatic figure with a wide social circle. Reason being that even when he was in abject hell with newly onset severe tinnitus, he made friends here quickly and demonstrated a brilliant (sometimes unashamedly self-deprecating) sense of humour. Even in his, and others, darkest times, he was able to make the people he had become close to here, laugh at the absurdity of our shared circumstances.
In any case, I (personally) believe there are two fundamentals to be taken from the last year of Brian P's life.
One is that we can never afford to become complacent with this illness. It is, as I have said many times over, not a joke. It is not to be played down, and we should not gaslight ourselves into believing that it's bringing us to our knees is simply an "overreaction" or a "weakness". Brian P was here with us, living with mild tinnitus only 16 months ago; so it would be prudent to remember that what is perfectly liveable, mild/moderate tinnitus, today, has every possibility of becoming catastrophic, life-destroying tinnitus tomorrow. This, as tinnitus sufferers, is the precarious reality of our everyday lives.
Which brings me to the
second; the absolute necessity for a treatment in the (very) near future. I had discussed both the likelihood of natural improvement (i.e. habituation) and effective medical treatments, with Brian P last December, and remember telling him that one of the things I actually liked about him was his pessimistic character. A bit like a resident in candy-land, where every meal is
not letting this get to me with an unrealistic sprinkling of
follow your dreams, I found his deadpan lack of facade refreshing. But his lack of hope is where our agreement ended. One thing I could never advocate is a lack of hope, and according to him, I almost made him a convert, because I wholeheartedly believe tinnitus will be treated, and soon (taking into account the varying definitions of the word "treated").
Thirdly (despite only having warned of
two "fundamentals"), I want to say that the loss of members of our tinnitus family, such as
@Brian P,
@Allan1967 and
@Danny Boy must never be in vain. Whatever their ends (whether by suicide, experimentation with dangerous off-label drugs, or perhaps just an anxiety induced heart attack) tinnitus is almost always a contributing factor; a factor that is rarely acknowledged by the media, the medical establishment and sometimes even the sufferer's own family and friends. Which is where we come in. Because while we should always strive to give people hope things can get better (on their own, in time, and/or via the identification of more elaborate root causes than plain hearing loss), we do ourselves and the memory of our lost a disservice by denying the volatility and lethality of our condition. It's a difficult balancing act, granted, but being the only people who will ever understand each other, we owe ourselves this basic respect.
Finally, I'm sure if I had told Brian P I was going to be writing a "eulogy" for him based off the short time we had known each other, he would have laughed. I'm also certain he would have told me to keep "any sh*t about hope, treatments and natural improvement" out of it. So sorry in advance mate. Your friends here will never forget you.
Member
Tragic. I know how much he was suffering, as I saw a lot of his posts and his despair was palpable. I feel bad about this and hope his family can find peace. 
