It's a Constant Fight... Against Myself (Cyclothymia).

[Strife_84]

I have some good days and bad days. Currently I cannot relax to concentrate on anything. I am tired. Exhausted. I want out from all this (not kill myself).

My mind is racing 24/7 figuring out ways what to do with my life, how to move forward. I've always had days where every external sound from outside my apartment drives me crazy, symptoms of my cyclothymia I guess... feels like all my senses are active at once and I cannot block anything out.

Tomorrow I may think I am a partly God and I can do almost anything and all this just my creation or I am connected to universe in some deep way and no one else on this planet cannot understand me.

I've had those problems even before tinnitus. Now, I've noticed my mind has started to go up and down again.

I managed to quit alcohol during Xmas, and I was feeling quite stable and energetic because of it. Weeks before tinnitus, I was getting back on track. I made my almost music daily, started running again etc.

But now... My mind is going all over the place again. I keep fighting and fighting.

I know this is only temporary. I've been trough this before. I know I can survive from this. Thanks to psychotherapy I am able to handle this somehow. But it's still not easy.

Every part of me wants go to shop, buy loads of alcohol and get so wasted I wake up in year 1887.

That's not a solution. But boy, would it help to forget about everything for a while.

How is this related to tinnitus? A lot.
My sleeping quality has suffered although I am able to sleep.

My mind is extremely sensitive so it's important for me have steady sleep cycle and good amount of sleep.

But I will keep on fighting. I will never stop.

Sorry about venting. Had to let it out.

 

[haipa]

I believe we all need to vent at some point, keeping everything to yourself will only make you feel more frustrated and isolated IMO.

I can't speak for you and guarantee that everything will get better, although I will say that I relate to your post, in a way.

The feeling inside me where I just want to run away from all the problems that plague my life and forget everything is intense.

It got to the point where my thoughts were filled with suicidal intentions. But I know that's not a solution that I want, deep inside me.

I hope we both can overcome these thoughts, and maybe gain a little hope, to just... live.

 

[Yugal Rai]

I can clearly relate with your feelings and thoughts right now. It sucks to be in this horrible position right now because we lose our freedom and are restricted to do the things we love, and I 100% know how passionate you were about music!!

I know producing music was a key ingredient to your happiness, and personally I believed that you could have made an amazing career out of it.
I can clearly understand you're going through one of the hardest part of your life right now since you lost an ability to produce music and it took your happiness away, but don't lose hope yet, brother.

Don't play too many mind games, don't stress out and overthink, since it will only lead to more problem and worsen your tinnitus.
Meanwhile, you could do other thing you love doing, like playing video games, watching movie or you could start producing a mind map or brainstorm your next music project while your ears take a time out for couple of months.

Personally, I would recommend you to go out and relax at park or have a jog/exercise, it will help to keep mind and body calm. Staying home too much will only fuel the anxiety, because you have nothing to do beside just overthink and panic unnecessarily. Going out keeps you fresh. (Y)

I can see all the grind, sweat, tears and creativity you have put into your tracks, and I must say every aspect of your ideas sound amazing when it is put together.

I used to make music at school, and I know it's frigging hard at the beginning of project because you have to start from nothing to create a masterpiece. You can't just dump random piano and guitar sounds to project, LMFAO which I did and failed ahaha

 

[Strife_84]

@Yugal Rai

I do jog at least. I go several days a week for a walk or for a run.

It's just that when my mood changes, there is really nothing I can do but wait.

Guess how I am feeling today? Great. Optimistic. I even smile. Yesterday I was about giving my whole life up.

My mind is troublesome because when my mood changes, I just can't relax. It doesn't help if I am at park, outside, try to meditate, my mind races 24/7 and I am super restless.

I just have to wait it ends. I did some CBT and psychotherapy few years ago, so I can handle those depressing days. I just have to accept the fact that during those days I am not cacable of doing anything. Even relaxing. I know it goes over so I can only wait.

It's like a switch that gets turned into wrong position while I sleep. And when I wake up "oh. My life is over. My music sucks. I suck. Everything sucks." it may take few days, then one day I wake up and shout "I am the king of the world! Just watch me! My music is awesome! I am awesome! I can do anything where I put my mind into"

Too bad that awesome feeling is not permanent.

So it's a struggle....but I think it's one of the reasons why I am so creative.

These different emotions I go trough, they give me ideas for my music.

Actually, I was thinking about learning to code while I cannot make music...

I could even a get a job out of it.

I think my first project would be an alarm clock