It's Xmas Day and I'm Lying on My Own in My Room

[bill 112]

I had Mild T for 3 years,took me about 4 months to fully habituate to it and life was good if not better than before.
A year later I gave myself a nasty spike lasting months before it settled back down and I continued on with life a happy guy for two more years,T didn't bother me as it was extremely mild and non intrusive,I would even joke about it.
Then came the sudden noise exposure and all hell broke loose,it took me nearly two more years to get back to baseline and resolve my H by about 90%.Again I was a very happy guy,I could live a normal life unaffected by T and the H was no longer really there.
Then this year happened,and everything is a nightmare for me,my H is unbearable and my T has a mind of its own,I'm afraid to talk to anyone incase I make it worse and I just can't mentally handle nor accept it.

All these years I was led down a path to where I am now,a young kid frightened and taking the advice of specialists and doctors as gospel truth,that these people would not harm me.
Only this year did I learn the truth,too little too late unfortunately.
My life is in ruins,everything I once loved is gone from me,I have nothing anymore only grief sadness and regret.
I never seen myself ending up like this,last night I sat in bed ready to end it all and be done with this horrendous life once and for all!!

I know I won't be here much longer but I have to try SC's before I give up,I'm tired heartbroken and full of sorrow that it crushes my soul every waking second of every single day.
I can take a lot of things,I don't give up on life that easily but when your stuck where I am now and no end in site there's really no point in living on,for what?More grief and sadness?

I love my family but I can't even speak to them anymore,I've become cold dark and angry and that is not the person I am,I use to be the most caring helpful guy you could imagine always going out of his way to help others in anyway he could.I LOVED life even with T but I know decisions I made led me here,decisions that were influenced by professionals and others giving me confidence to make them.
If I had of known that this fate was what waited for me I never would have done half the things I did,but here I am stuck in hell looking back at the good times that no longer exist.

I've booked my SC treatment in Thailand,people may criticise me doing so but what they fail to notice is that this is me giving it everything I got,that I'm not a quitter and if trying these things can improve my situation then that's exactly what I'll do.
It's life or death for me,I don't want to die but if I have to I'm not going down without a fight.

 

[MikeL1972]

@Reece - just hang in there man.

As I type this to you, my tinnitus in my left ear is also loud today, but I am just not going to give in and keep myself occupied. Tinnitus does not kill you. It is your ability to handle the incessant ringing that is the true "artform" (if you will) in dealing with it, whether it is to ignore it or simply keep yourself distracted to such a degree that it simply becomes out-of-site, out-of-mind.

Things could always be worse!

 

[MikeGreen]

Tinnitus is kind of like physical pain. There's many different levels of it.

Comparing mild, relatively easily maskable tinnitus with severe tinnitus is wrong in my opinion.

That said, no doubt about it, over the years I've seen people with mild tinnitus being emotionally severely affected by their faint tinnitus, while sometimes those with louder tinnitus cope with it better. But usually it's not like that.

As a rule though, I would argue that louder tinnitus is much harder to habituate to. There is little to no escape from it unlike from milder tinnitus.

And I hardly remember many people sticking around here for a longer time if they have milder tinnitus; usually these people experience it louder, from my experience.

You have good odds coming to grips with it. Happy New Year!

Mild tinnitus can get worse. People with MT dont have it all too easy.

EDIT: pretty sure its going to get worse because you cant avoid loud noises forever.

 

[Capricornus]

@bill 112 I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering. I don't know anything about SC treatment, but I understand if you want to go through with it. Have you considered LLLT for your H?

 

[glynis]

@bill 112,
We are all here for you...lots of love glynis

 

[Reece bude]

The pain of seeing everyone else in my house carefree and happy is getting too much for me

 

[glynis]

Reece,
Go at your own pace and take time out to relax from all the mayhem of Christmas.
Enjoy some nice food and drink of something nice and recap on all the positives in your life and don't count the negative and don't think you have to please others as pleasing yourself will be enough to get yourself through Christmas and others will be happy just to see you coping ok
...lots of love glynis

 

[bill 112]

@bill 112,
We are all here for you...lots of love glynis

Thanks Glynis,just very hard the last few weeks,I've become angry with everyone and reclusive as a result.

I couldn't even get my mother or girlfriend a Christmas present!I tried to go shopping but I got worse as a result even with big earmuffs on!Its just heartbreaking,this time last year I was playing Santy with all my little nieces and nephews and now here I am sitting in my room thinking back on how great life was last year and I blame myself for everything.

 

[glynis]

Try not to dwell on how you are now and know you will recover from this dark time
You can have pressants and parties anytime so don't put yourself under any pressure and go at your own pace.

It wasn't long ago I was in a bad way with my ears and emotions and was not eating and finding every day things hard to do even cooking meals and Did not like going shopping and has weeks of work .
You will get your mojo back and back to your happy self making small steps each day or week.
Our emotions can make us angry with the world and talking therapy can help either by one to one counselling or a chat on the phone to the Samaritans who are lovely and understanding.
You will get through this.
At times I carnt go out when my breathing is bad and I got scared going shopping due to needing get my nebulizer out in public but now it doesn't bother me who sees me....
Keep your chin up as I promise your life will get better...lots of love glynis

 

[Reece bude]

Today is the worst day I've ever had , my girlfriend has gone home and my family are out and I can't take this feeling anymore, it's been 4 months and I've heard tinnitus everyday at some point , how can anyone live with this evil invader ? I feel like my life has been stolen, the faces of my loved ones cause me pain and I have intense jealousy of non tinnitus sufferers. Social media is full of people enjoying it themselves carefree and I am dreading bedtime and feel like I'm spending my life running

The feeling when I lay on my pillow and the noise starts to build for me is like having my heart ripped out, I can't stop crying and blaming myself

 

[glynis]

Reece,
You might need talking therapy and a low anti depressant for anxiety and to help you sleep.
Hearing aids or maskers might help you.
I know your on your own at the moment but we are all here for you.
The unwanted emotions are normal and felt by many with tinnitus and Hyperacusis so your not going funny.
You will get through this and try focus on small positives in your life as that will help.
Keep sound on around you day and night and put some nice smelly stuff on as can lift your low mood.
Crying is a emotional release so you cry when ever you want to then have a warm drink and try pass it off.
Lots of love glynis

 

[Dana]

@Reece bude
Not any help my message, but I just wanted to say that I relate so much to what you are saying. If there is any comfort in knowing that you are not the only one in this situation...

 

[Amber]

Today is the worst day I've ever had , my girlfriend has gone home and my family are out and I can't take this feeling anymore, it's been 4 months and I've heard tinnitus everyday at some point , how can anyone live with this evil invader ? I feel like my life has been stolen, the faces of my loved ones cause me pain and I have intense jealousy of non tinnitus sufferers. Social media is full of people enjoying it themselves carefree and I am dreading bedtime and feel like I'm spending my life running

The feeling when I lay on my pillow and the noise starts to build for me is like having my heart ripped out, I can't stop crying and blaming myself

You need to start taking charge of your life.

• ANTIDEPRESSANTS / BENZO DRUGS
• THERAPY
• EXERCISE! EAT WELL!
  
• HAVE SOUNDS ON IN YOUR HOUSE! LISTEN TO CRICKETS ON YOUTUBE OR SOMETHING!

 

[Reece bude]

I've tried Prozac , it made me feel worse , I know it sounds silly but I don't want to take measures to get through the day I want my life back !

 

[Capricornus]

@Reece bude You have managed to overcome T before, why is it different this time? Stay strong, you will notice improvements but it's a slow process. I'm also sad that my life took this turn, but we have to keep our chins up!

 

[Ed209]

Reece, time is the greatest healer. The hardest time is at the beginning. Go easy on yourself and stop focusing on the noise. Watch a movie, play a game do anything you can to take your mind off it.

Exercise and eat a good diet; it will help a lot. You must fight your emotions and ignore the noise as best you can. Every time you react emotionally it just reenforces the negative association. Once I accepted it I started to improve.

 

[Reece bude]

Thanks mate, so do have to actively listen for yours now ? I'm not actually really asking for silence because I don't believe I ever had it ! Had soft white noise that I could ignore , today mine sounds like a steam gun being let off in my ear and almost vibrating , although I have cried and had a panic attack

 

[maltese]

If counselling is available to you in some form, you should totally go. Seems to me that you're not able of managing your emotions at this particular moment. Your T seems to be VERY mil and your emotions are yyour biggest (and probably the only) problem now.

"I heard my T everyday at some point" ehm.
I'm in a quiet house in a rural area. I don't hear my T at least once a day. I hear at least all the time haha
It doesn't stop me from playing guitar for my grandmother and enjoying binge watching Netflix

At the very beginning I had severe anxiety and daily panic attacks. Fucking hell, but it gets so much better. Trust me.

You just need to feel better for a moment, forget about T. You will see you can be perfectly happy human being. Then you will feel like crap again. After some days you will recover again. And fell like crap again. And again and again.

And then your brain will learn that you always will recover and feel happy again and bad days will slowly stop being such a hell.

And then the line between bad and good starts to blur slowly and you start having good bad-T days and bad mild-T days. And it controls you less and less. And then, I don't know what, I'm not there yet. ; )I'll let you know in a few months

You can't skip those bad days, I'm sorry. They are a part of the process.

Do something fun like watching a movie or playing a game even if you don't feel like it!!! Force yourself to have "fun" eve iof you're miserable inside. You need to "fake it till you make it". It's the first, small step you need to take.

Take care dude. You'll be fine. We're here for you.

 

[Ed209]

No Reece, I can hear mine pretty much everywhere except the shower. I can hear it over traffic noise and the tv for example. I have multiple sounds, but it's the piercing high frequency sound that cuts through everything.

I'm at a stage where I don't really care that it's there anymore. In essence it's almost like it's not there, as when I'm busy I just don't acknowledge it. It just co-exists with me and is hard to describe. It is essentially habituation I suppose.

I haven't written a success story yet because I'm not fully over it. It has put a hold on my music career which is a huge part of my life. I see myself as having some success however because I am now happy/content, whereas I was severely depressed and suicidal. A dramatic difference.

 

[Lex]

Social media is full of people enjoying it themselves carefree and I am dreading bedtime and feel like I'm spending my life running

Everyone is happy on social media. Even I present myself positively on social media in spite of my H.
In the first week of December, I posted photos and videos of my Taiwan adventure with a couple of close friends. But I didn't post photos of me wearing earmuffs on the plane. I didn't write a status message on how I felt nauseous when I felt the vibration of the AC system in one of the restaurants we went to. I didn't talk about how unfair life was, seeing my friends unfazed by noises while I had to stuff my ears with foam earplugs.

 

[wags]

Hey Reece,

I'm going to throw my 2 cents in here (with @maltese ) and say that while yes, we are always here for you, I believe you would benefit greatly from professional therapy if you are not already receiving it.

The pain of seeing everyone else in my house carefree and happy is getting too much for me

the faces of my loved ones cause me pain and I have intense jealousy of non tinnitus sufferers.

Though guilt and spite are natural responses to traumatic events, it seems that you have some sort of anxiety driven misanthropy at levels which are causing you psychological pain. In addition,

I know it sounds silly but I don't want to take measures to get through the day I want my life back !

These are the exact thoughts that cognitive behavioral therapy aims to eliminate. You can't change the past, but you can change how you react to the past.

You're having a really hard time dealing with your circumstances and although we here at TinnitusTalk can be a wonderful resource, I really don't think we are the only resource you need. Posts on forums are peanuts compared to a quality therapist and there's no shame in calling in the special forces. I would recommend phoning your ENT office (I know I know) and seeing if they have a recommendation for a CBT therapist whom specializes in tinnitus.

 

[PatrickG]

@Reece

My tinnitus got severly worse, last 2 months, but last 5 days is... unbarable no meds can calm it down, i am just in bed, and i wish to die. I have parents and I am only chield. They both my parents seen me, days spent in bed.

Tinnitus made me crazy, violent, from warm heart kind guy i became a monster i am ashamed of. I cant stand humans. I just feel very strong end is neer and I made my peace with it. I would like to survive until this summer just to go to coast line to se Dubrovnik one more time and to swim in a sea. I would help some friend to move to USA on pretence of my "partner" just to be supposrt to him and he be supposrt as it is hard to live aline, specialy to go buy food when you speand days in bed.

My hearing if falling down, I dont know should i look for experiments with a steem cells. I dont know. Medical services are out of money and they are not interested to help without huge money...

I am lost I wish I fall a sleep and die.

# years ago i could study, then t went up and i could nto but i used trobalt and got 4 months free of tinnitus with severe side effects on cognition. Then i played a game to kill the time but game had in course of one year got so much worse that i had to quit, i read books that couse t to spike in 40 minutes and i gave up on it, i watchet tw shows that to today i rewind as there is so much stress.

in feb this year i had few gray har (namely 3) in my pubic hears, and 10 on chest, not there is 30% white, last 3 months my beard was to check for laser removal ( i have no strenght to shave strong beard any more), now when i went lady told me my beard turned totaly white on cheeks and neck and there is nothing that can be done.

Tinnitus is grinder machine, it is killing me sun of a b*** but if does not kill me. Why it dont kill me. I know Netherland aproved eutanasia now without reason, poor people can go there and ask for it cos they are poor... but I suppose it is for Duch only.

I hate my life and all i survived in it, war, maltretment and wotk as chield with loud carpenter machines... today i am finished, i keep silent while grinder machine is killing me.

Many will say they have tinnitus, mild one that is killing them, I have loud one that is chronick progressive very severe tinnitus with hyperacusis and progresive hearing loss. I wish to die. God if there is something like that is not let in me to die. I wish i have a ncancer. I am broken. I have nothing. What ever i do it spikes tinnitus. I cant make a food any more cos of noise of kitcheh, i just wish i am not here any more, i cant stand it, those who beleave please pray i just die. If there is airplane that will crush i would go with a peace in my heart in it.

I just need this to end. I became a monster. When i get a tinnitus honestly and someone come and start presuring me i would rip of his neck without thinking and not feel any remorse. That is what real tinnitus makes of so kind and nice people who never in life and pfisical fight. <i never hit anyoneone in life but a guy when i was 9 who run into my hand and fell down, i streched it to protect myself as he was running toward me. So de facto he hit me.

My Xmass wish is that I die, and new year. I dont care will and how will my parents take it, i just wish if there is God to hear my plea and help me move on. Please God if you hear my pray let me go from this blasing chains that are burning my sould and cousing pain, please please let me die.

I feel so extrememy bad for you. I don't know what to say... It's so tragic and your story should be lifted so that authorities, medical companies and people around the world can see what this affliction can do. You didn't deserve this and I feel so bad that you're being tortured so hard every day. Try whatever treatment you possibly can, just for the heck of it and don't give up yet. Sending my love and best wishes

 

[Christian78]

@Christian78
Are there any options you still see for yourself? Last resort may be cochlear implantat or micro vascular decompression.

i dont know, i am lost.

cohlear implant is for deaf people, when i went last time they said they dont wanna give me listening aids, but they dont know other part of hospital have them to me 3 years ago

cohlear implant destroys most of cohlea just gives partial part and still until it start to have effect there would be silence in ear that would increce tinnitus to severe levels

well i dont know, i just spent time in bed

 

[bill 112]

i dont know, i am lost.

cohlear implant is for deaf people, when i went last time they said they dont wanna give me listening aids, but they dont know other part of hospital have them to me 3 years ago

cohlear implant destroys most of cohlea just gives partial part and still until it start to have effect there would be silence in ear that would increce tinnitus to severe levels

well i dont know, i just spent time in bed

I see you mentioned Stemcells above,something your actually considering?Or just something that's crossed your mind?

 

[vermillion]

@Reece

My tinnitus got severly worse, last 2 months, but last 5 days is... unbarable no meds can calm it down, i am just in bed, and i wish to die. I have parents and I am only chield. They both my parents seen me, days spent in bed.

Tinnitus made me crazy, violent, from warm heart kind guy i became a monster i am ashamed of. I cant stand humans. I just feel very strong end is neer and I made my peace with it. I would like to survive until this summer just to go to coast line to se Dubrovnik one more time and to swim in a sea. I would help some friend to move to USA on pretence of my "partner" just to be supposrt to him and he be supposrt as it is hard to live aline, specialy to go buy food when you speand days in bed.

My hearing if falling down, I dont know should i look for experiments with a steem cells. I dont know. Medical services are out of money and they are not interested to help without huge money...

I am lost I wish I fall a sleep and die.

# years ago i could study, then t went up and i could nto but i used trobalt and got 4 months free of tinnitus with severe side effects on cognition. Then i played a game to kill the time but game had in course of one year got so much worse that i had to quit, i read books that couse t to spike in 40 minutes and i gave up on it, i watchet tw shows that to today i rewind as there is so much stress.

in feb this year i had few gray har (namely 3) in my pubic hears, and 10 on chest, not there is 30% white, last 3 months my beard was to check for laser removal ( i have no strenght to shave strong beard any more), now when i went lady told me my beard turned totaly white on cheeks and neck and there is nothing that can be done.

Tinnitus is grinder machine, it is killing me sun of a b*** but if does not kill me. Why it dont kill me. I know Netherland aproved eutanasia now without reason, poor people can go there and ask for it cos they are poor... but I suppose it is for Duch only.

I hate my life and all i survived in it, war, maltretment and wotk as chield with loud carpenter machines... today i am finished, i keep silent while grinder machine is killing me.

Many will say they have tinnitus, mild one that is killing them, I have loud one that is chronick progressive very severe tinnitus with hyperacusis and progresive hearing loss. I wish to die. God if there is something like that is not let in me to die. I wish i have a ncancer. I am broken. I have nothing. What ever i do it spikes tinnitus. I cant make a food any more cos of noise of kitcheh, i just wish i am not here any more, i cant stand it, those who beleave please pray i just die. If there is airplane that will crush i would go with a peace in my heart in it.

I just need this to end. I became a monster. When i get a tinnitus honestly and someone come and start presuring me i would rip of his neck without thinking and not feel any remorse. That is what real tinnitus makes of so kind and nice people who never in life and pfisical fight. <i never hit anyoneone in life but a guy when i was 9 who run into my hand and fell down, i streched it to protect myself as he was running toward me. So de facto he hit me.

My Xmass wish is that I die, and new year. I dont care will and how will my parents take it, i just wish if there is God to hear my plea and help me move on. Please God if you hear my pray let me go from this blasing chains that are burning my sould and cousing pain, please please let me die.

@Christian78 i hope you have improved a bit. Reading this post made me cried. No man deserves this suffering. Since this is a support forum the least i can offer as support is to invite you to spend some time in Greece during summertime. I know you would desire to go to Dubrovnik, but the Greek beaches are uncompetitive. The luck of sun in Sweden does not help. I don't know. Just an idea. Just you to be on a non-crowded beach and let yourself absorb sun. If your H can tolerate this, give it a shot. Big hug xxx

 

[Christian78]

@Christian78 i hope you have improved a bit. Reading this post made me cried. No man deserves this suffering. Since this is a support forum the least i can offer as support is to invite you to spend some time in Greece during summertime. I know you would desire to go to Dubrovnik, but the Greek beaches are uncompetitive. The luck of sun in Sweden does not help. I don't know. Just an idea. Just you to be on a non-crowded beach and let yourself absorb sun. If your H can tolerate this, give it a shot. Big hug xxx

Thank you dear friend, I just want you to know that tinnitus has incresed so I am hardly sleep in soundproff room with my sound machine so outside sounds dont wake me up... it is really hard to imagine now sleeping in hot enviroment and with this noise. I am sorry that I made you sad but we all have out time and not everyone can be helped, my tinnitus is progressive and that is way it is... I stay some mmore time here and then I go away cos it is pointless to live just to suffer one more day...

 

[SilverSpiral]

Thank you dear friend, I just want you to know that tinnitus has incresed so I am hardly sleep in soundproff room with my sound machine so outside sounds dont wake me up... it is really hard to imagine now sleeping in hot enviroment and with this noise. I am sorry that I made you sad but we all have out time and not everyone can be helped, my tinnitus is progressive and that is way it is... I stay some mmore time here and then I go away cos it is pointless to live just to suffer one more day...

Why has your tinnitus worsened so much over the years? I hope you're ok...

 

[Fernando81]

Mild, moderate or severe.... Does not matter. We have to support everyone who needs it.
" Modern science has not yet produced a calming medicine as effective as a few kind words " - Sigmund Freud

God bless you all!!!

 

[Christian78]

Why has your tinnitus worsened so much over the years? I hope you're ok...

I am not ok, it worsens still. Why i dont know. Every tinnitus worsens with time, but why my has worsened so rapidly i dont know.

 

[SilverSpiral]

I am not ok, it worsens still. Why i dont know. Every tinnitus worsens with time, but why my has worsened so rapidly i dont know.

im saddened to hear this, you think every tinnitus gets worse over time?