I've Had Enough. Seeing How I Feel at End of Day, Then Checking Out

[daniel1111]

@jdjd09 I haven't been following your story as much as others.

Of course I hope, and it's the ideal situation, is that you manage to get through this and somehow live a happy life in the end.

I can't say what's honesty best for you. You, if you've sought all options, really should know that yourself.

In my opinion, you don't really want to kill yourself. You've been posting about it so much, this is more of an inner cry for help. If you really, really wanted to to what you've been talking about all this time, you'd be gone and dead right now. It doesn't mean that you won't end up doing it, but I just think deep inside you want people to help you out of it.

I don't know exactly what you've tried or what's left to do. It can be extremely daunting to be in your position, thinking there is nothing left in life for you. I am 32 and in a little mid life crisis now even though my T no longer effects me, I also think about what the hell I'm doing. you'd probably trade your life for mine, I have a good job and a good salary, I have friends and can go out, all that seems really comfortable and it really is. But I feel like I don't want it. In a way it's similar.

I can't help you either. In my first month I was completely depressed, sometimes suicidal too, but I feel like you're having a worse time than I was having then. It's easier said than done, but the world is your fucking oyster. Want to end it? Go do somthing fun instead, you have nothing to fear because death is really the worst. Go and swim wth great white sharks, wrestle them, they might eat you but that's basically your goal anyway. The point is you could do anything else, you're not limites by risk factor now like I am. If something doesn't work out you still have the option to just die and forget it.

Don't you have any passions? Or did you before?

 

[Carlos1]

In what frequencies though? For me, and I'm going to get flack for it, I can't accept a hearing aid. Maybe if I lived with one as a kid, and I had zero say in the matter, I would have probably not been bothered tlby this.

I am though and don't see myself getting a hearing aid. I can't accept one. Dating will be different, having to drag around another medical thing for the rest of my life, etc.

I can't accept it any longer. I can't do a hearing aid. This means I can't really do anything, which means I need to leave.

J have never been so serious about leaving this world in my entire life. There is no other logical conclusion. I'm not accepting taking meds or hearing aids. I need a treatment for hesring loss. If one doesn't exist, I guess I need to leave.

@jdjd09 So you'd rather end it as oppose to wearing a hearing aid? Come on man we all have some degree of suffering here some more then others but the refusal of wearing a hearing aid cuz of your vanity is a little over board.
Love yourself with all your imperfections and you'll be in a better place mentally.
Hang in there.

 

[larascott]

@jdjd09 So you'd rather end it as oppose to wearing a hearing aid? Come on man we all have some degree of suffering here some more then others but the refusal of wearing a hearing aid cuz of your vanity is a little over board.
Love yourself with all your imperfections and you'll be in a better place mentally.
Hang in there.

Agreed - why can't you do a hearing aid?

Attitude is EVERYTHING. It honestly is. I am so not downplaying your suffering, please know that; but know that there is a lot of light in this life left to enjoy. Don't let T take everything from you. FIGHT.

 

[Alue]

Do you honestly believe you are being logical here? You are far from it. You say you are willing to kill yourself because of a condition that you are unwilling to explore treatments for. Then you think your condition is somehow worse than everyone because they don't have your exact frequency of hearing loss or they are not your exact age or whatever else.

This condition sucks, I get it. But if you have not at least explored all other reasonable options before committing to a final solution you are not being logical.

 

[jdjd09]

Yes. I don't want to die, I want my life back to the way it was before. Before, my life wasn't great, but it was ok.

Now it is unbearable. I have sought help from professionals , doctors, etc.

So, without treatment, yes I want to die.

The world is vain. I don't want to wear a hearing aid because all this was preventable. I want nothing to do with this life. The hearing issue is not the only health issue in my life. The other one I have to take meds for possibly rest of my life. They cost as much as a used car monthly .

I'm not doing this. All these medical costs should not exist for a person in 20s.

 

[Dutchy]

what if you die and you still have tinnitus

That's all the motivation you need to stay alive.

 

[glynis]

Hi Jdjd09,
I'm not sure now what the frequency is but anything under a normal conversation he struggles with.
Hearing aids are so small and easy hide if your hair is ear length not skinhead.
I'm 50 and wear glasses and Hearing aids and two back teeth on a plate...but I'm still my happy self and glad to have things to help me.

Try a hearing aid as will help you I know it will.
Life is so precious a you deserve to be happy and grab it with both hands.

If you were happy with everything in your life would your hearing still be a big problem ?
My hearing aids are my best friends now and I wear them with pride and I carnt be botherd of people don't like them as that's their problem.

Please look after yourself .....lots of love glynis

 

[Sebastians]

Your take on life is so flawed, i'm not even going to enter this debate. You're obviously not willing to grow from all of this or change your life philosophy even one bit. It takes balls to embrace the pain and face your demons like a man.
I suggest you spend some minutes checking this video instead of complaining about how a hearing aid might look on you. This guy is a boss. And even though he lost both legs, he has balls the size of cantaloupes.

 

[glynis]

Jdjd09,
I'm always here to support you or by PM..... you can get through this hard time .....lots of love glynis

 

[bill 112]

Jesus Jd I honestly don't know what to say anymore I really don't.I throw out my arm to help you through this and you repeatedly reply only to disappear back to the threads to rant about killing yourself over and over again.Theres only so long that I extend my arm for help because when I retract my arm it doesn't reach out again.

Your answers are all there in front of you but you refuse to acknowledge that and continue to punish yourself with thoughts of what if and if only.The steroids"MAY"have helped you but there's also a great chance that they would have done absolutely nothing so I don't understand why your getting so hung up on that.

You won't even try a hearing aid because of vanity,if my answer was as simple as a hearing aid I'd have the two biggest ugliest hearing aids money can buy if it meant I could get on with my life.I take great pride in my appearance but if it had to be done then so be it but you won't even attempt it,but rather sit in a hole and contemplate suicide all day long which is getting you nowhere!

The only thing that's ruining your life right now is you,not your hearing but you.Like I've said numerous times I know people in the exact same situation as you if not worse but are doing great,I even tried to get you in contact with them but it was fruitless as you just don't want to hear it,your stuck in self pity and won't accept the help offered to you.

I wish you the best Jd but I can't do anymore for you,I've better things to be doing than trying to improve your life only to have it thrown back in my face.

Goodluck in the future Jd,I mean that.

Stephen.

 

[Telis]

Why does it offend you so much? I'm sorry, but I'm not goning to be nice about this anymore. Yesz it fn matters that I got this in my 20s. No, 28 isn't fucking old...my life only got started a few years ago in adulthood. Yes, it matter as being older, you are TYPICALLY, not always, established. You have work experience, you know how the world works a duck tkn better than you did in 20s, and honestly less years to suffer like this.

People are suppose to be living life in there 20s...but whatever I'm not going to argue this point further as there seems to be some denial about age being an issue. Guess what, most people my age don't have hearing loss...and they won't for a f ton while...if ever with medical advances.

Hell, most people on this board dknt even have measurable hearing loss.

You offend me with your crying about your age, your vanity, and every other thing that is unfair. You are offensive to those that truely suffer. You make a joke out of it all.

You don't value life enough to even give it a try. You would rather kill yourself than wear a tiny piece of plastic on your ear because it doesn't look good.

You have stated in the past that tinnitus doesn't bother you and that your mild hearing loss in one ear does, yet you have no interest in fixing it anyway.

It's obvious that tinnitus and hearing loss are not your issues at all. I'm sure if you pulled a grey hair, developed a wrinkle or got dumped by your gf you would want to off yourself as well, and would run around crying to anyone that would listen. Half the time you are going off about injustices in your life and not even talking about your ear issues. You speak a lot but don't listen.

Do you actually think that you will be successful in your career and in life with your attitude even if you did get your hearing fixed? You have the additude of a failure.

I understand if people want to vent here about their suffering, I get it, but you are NOT suffering from T or hearing loss, if you were you would be absolutely desperate to get some relief, even if it's a hearing aid that doesn't look so stylish. You are not desperate for relief at all it turns out. You know a hearing aid can help with that kind of loss but you aren't even interested.

You are just posting for no reason, not listening to anyone, throwing hissy fits, spewing out garbage about who knows what and acting like a spoiled little kid.

You make a mockery out of people that are truly suffering. It's brutal. I hope you give your head a shake one day soon.

 

[Zora]

ok lets get not crazy here and say that jd is not suffering. he definitely is. and he is not making a mockery out of anything. you are very mean.
@jdjd09 please give it some more time.
I understand your need to vent. That is ok. this is what this board is here for.
Dont listen to insulting comments. You are in a very tough and difficult situation, but you will get better!!
maybe try vinpocetine and hearing aids.

 

[billie48]

I hope you will re-consider the vanity issue with hearing aids. It may be in the old days. But nowadays, everybody is putting earbuds (from ipod, mobile phones) to their ears, especially young people, joggers, people in subways, or any loud venues. Musicians and singers perform with some ear plugs in the ears. Having something in the ears is not a problem. What you think inside your head about that is the problem. Why not try to de-program this phobia about wearing things in the ears? Millions have hearing loss. I have it in high frequency, thus my ultra high pitch T. Celebrities have them. Even US presidents like Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan etc. have hearing loss. Beethoven, the famous composer had hearing loss since 26. Having hearing loss is not an end game nor having to wear hearing aids. Here is a sample list of celebrities with hearing loss:

http://www.everydayhearing.com/hear...rities-with-hearing-loss-and-how-they-manage/

Look at these pictures of the modern day living where the ears always have something in them. So accept the hearing aids. Move on with life. It is precious and you only live once. God bless you.

 

[Purple Parrot]

@jdjd09 you need to seek immediate medical attention.

This isn't you thinking these thoughts, it's your depression and anxiety.

This can and will get better dude. But myself and everyone on here are concerned for your wellbeing right now.

Many, many of us have been there. I myself have been to the emergency ward twice and there is no shame in it. I'm still here and still going strong. I'm glad I didn't follow through with my plan to jump off a bridge.

I am now doing well and "dancing in the rain". I actually found my tinnitus got a lot better once I worked on settling my nervous system down. And you know there are ways to address the hearing loss.

There is only so much we can do to help you in these circumstances, because we are just people on a forum. If I was near you I would give you a big hug and I would take you down to the audiologist and to a doctor and a therapist. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. Please please tell someone you know and trust how you are feeling. I'm not sure where you are based but I would also consider calling a hotline. Or I would be happy to Skype with you. PM me and I will send you my details.

By the way, I'm 28 too - got T when I was 27. Plenty of younger people on here.

 

[Telis]

ok lets get not crazy here and say that jd is not suffering. he definitely is. and he is not making a mockery out of anything. you are very mean.

Sure, he's suffering so badly that looks are more important than finding an end to the suffering. He must really turn his nose up at people in wheel chairs if he thinks the looks of hearing aids are worth offing himself over. It's people like this that make society insecure and have to look a certain way, it's a cancer spreading like wildfire, it's pathetic.

 

[jdjd09]

Sure, he's suffering so badly that looks are more important than finding an end to the suffering. He must really turn his nose up at people in wheel chairs if he thinks the looks of hearing aids are worth offing himself over.

Don't worry...I'll stop posting here soon and find some peace here pretty soon. Im going to get the job done here soon hopefully. You can feel better about yourself when I stop posting. Don't worry, my problem isn't real at all. I'm just making all this up.

I dont recall asking for this life. So it should be my right to leave when I want a well when I deem it not worth the candle anymore.

 

[glynis]

Jdjd09.
You are as important as anyone on the planet and if you have a problem wich we do know you have,then support will always be here for you .
You do need extra support from your doctor and talking therapy.
Don't ever put yourself down because you do matter .
Keep posting for support and grab any chance of support you can .
Lots of love glynis

 

[PaulBe]

I just started with a hearing aid titrated to my missing frequencies. No it doesn't cure anything but the rebalancing of my hearing it does give me has been a revelation. In doing so it has brought down my tinnitus volume a bit because my brain can now find some of the missing frequencies. Its tiny, discreet, and no-one really notices it until I point it out.

 

[LadyDi]

Um, some of the comments here are a bit harsh, although I do understand the frustration. Truly.
One thing I thought I might mention to @jdjd09, though. You wrote this:

So, I'm stuck in this torture chamber until I find a good way to end it,

Hate to tell you, but there is no good way to end it. Killing yourself is a shitty, nasty business. Not to mention what happens if you botch it. Or to the people you love who you leave behind. Suicide makes wearing a hearing aide look like a piece of cake. Trust me, I checked into it when I first got tinnitus three years ago. Today, it's almost laughable to think of myself seriously researching how to off myself. But I did.

So since I have been there, I suggest you: Take a deep breath, get your extreme anxiety under control using whatever you need to, stop constantly posting and reclaim your life. You are, what, four months in? It took me a solid year, working really really hard, to feel even halfway normal. Today, I'm pretty much fine. My life is different but just as good as before. Maybe better. But really, its up to you. You can get on board. Or continue to swat away every bit of advice handed to you, including mine, and feel miserable.
There. Tough love. Done.

Oh, and I thought @Telis comment was interesting:
Well an argument could be made that it's harder to deal with T at 60 because you aren't young, strong and as as easily adaptive anymore.

It's an interesting question and I see your point. And I agree with it, somewhat.

On the other hand, I would say that the advantage of getting tinnitus at 57, as I did, is you have enough life experience to understand that lots of terrible, difficult things happen to all kinds of people. You come to realize that while tinnitus is a bear, it could be worse. You have watched some of your friends, your family, die of miserable things like lung cancer. You also have a better sense of what you, as an individual, can survive and accept. And about what is really important and valuable in your life. I know life is going to throw me even trickier curve balls in the coming years, now that I'm 60. But thanks to tinnitus, I feel better prepared.
We are all different and just my opinion.

 

[jdjd09]

Jesus Jd I honestly don't know what to say anymore I really don't.I throw out my arm to help you through this and you repeatedly reply only to disappear back to the threads to rant about killing yourself over and over again.Theres only so long that I extend my arm for help because when I retract my arm it doesn't reach out again.

Your answers are all there in front of you but you refuse to acknowledge that and continue to punish yourself with thoughts of what if and if only.The steroids"MAY"have helped you but there's also a great chance that they would have done absolutely nothing so I don't understand why your getting so hung up on that.

You won't even try a hearing aid because of vanity,if my answer was as simple as a hearing aid I'd have the two biggest ugliest hearing aids money can buy if it meant I could get on with my life.I take great pride in my appearance but if it had to be done then so be it but you won't even attempt it,but rather sit in a hole and contemplate suicide all day long which is getting you nowhere!

The only thing that's ruining your life right now is you,not your hearing but you.Like I've said numerous times I know people in the exact same situation as you if not worse but are doing great,I even tried to get you in contact with them but it was fruitless as you just don't want to hear it,your stuck in self pity and won't accept the help offered to you.

I wish you the best Jd but I can't do anymore for you,I've better things to be doing than trying to improve your life only to have it thrown back in my face.

Goodluck in the future Jd,I mean that.

Stephen.

I agreeing to char with you over Skype and meet with your friend. I'm holding off on this until after I chat with you two.

I'm at work though. While I still have a job. I wish I could chat at any time...if I'm going to live I have to work.

I'm saying what I'm feeling at this point. I'm willing to talk tho. But the forum is all I can do at work.

 

[glynis]

Always happy chat with you on Skype talk.
My voice is quite croaky due to health reasons but never stops me ....lol.
Pm me any time and can send you my Skype name....lots of love glynis.

Don't mind putting it up on the forum but not sure if breaks any rules as your pm is down.

 

[Michael2013]

maybe having it your whole life has helped it make it a "norm" for you. @Michael2013 , may I ask how loud the ringing is for you?

Yeah, having it for a long time has definitely helped. Just as time will help you.

I would hear my T almost all the time without hearing aids. With them, significantly less. Especially once the anxiety went away.

 

[Michael2013]

I'm going to get flack for it, I can't accept a hearing aid.

Think of it as a short term rehabilitation process. Commit to wearing one for 1 year, or until you reach a calmer state mentally. Then slowly wear it less and less. You don't have so bad of hearing loss that you really need it. But it could temporarily help with coping for awhile.

-Mike

 

[Mario martz]

Hi @jdjd09,
i have never talked to you before.
i just turned 29 this year, i have tinnitus, i dont know if i have hearing loss, i probably have it.
as far i know i have tinnitus and there is no cure.
so i understand the situation, right now my life and dreams dont fit with my current situation and i could feel like a total failure, but this life we are living are not only ours.
you cant end your life just like that, you havent even find your purpose,
why not trying to do something different?
lets stop being selfish for a second and lets try to give out more.
if you think you can not do anything for your self, do things for others, for example the homeless in the street.
there a kids suffering, reach out and help someone around your block, your life matters, even if you are not happy with it, MAKE IT COUNT and give someone else a reason to smile.
if you dont wanna live your life thats okey, but you cant give up life,
you are not seeing the whole picture, there are people who needs you.
people who you havent even met, there are people who loves you and that their life depends on you.
and you might have not even met them yet...
dont make a stupid decision, everyday is a new chance.
you can do it man

 

[Telis]

Don't worry...I'll stop posting here soon and find some peace here pretty soon. Im going to get the job done here soon hopefully. You can feel better about yourself when I stop posting. Don't worry, my problem isn't real at all. I'm just making all this up.

I dont recall asking for this life. So it should be my right to leave when I want a well when I deem it not worth the candle anymore.

yeah its your right, do whatever you want man. If you can't be bothered even trying before you end it all, your life was worth nothing at all to begin with anyway.

 

[Purple Parrot]

Well an argument could be made that it's harder to deal with T at 60 because you aren't young, strong and as as easily adaptive anymore. Age really doesn't matter. And not all people are financially secure at 60, Just like not all people that are 28 are broke. Also 28 is not young, he's 5 years away from being middle aged.

@Telis, this is not helpful.

yeah its your right, do whatever you want man. If you can't be bothered even trying before you end it all, your life was worth nothing at all to begin with anyway.

Please stop posting on this thread Telis.

 

[Sailboardman]

Just curious @jdjd09, how do you plan on killing yourself? Also, are you so sure peace awaits you on the other side? Are you a religious man or not?

I've pondered these things, being exactly in your position many times. Quite frankly, death is kinda scary to me. Here, I have some control, there, who really knows? Once you pull the plug, you can't plug yourself back in. Most say, death is forever, some say you come back. Some even say, if you kill yourself, you come back a lesser form of life. Who really knows?

So, I guess you have to be really sure of yourself and your beliefs, to make that last decision in your life. If it turns out to be a mistake, it's the last mistake you'll ever make.

Good luck with it, if you decide to do it. Your choice and yours alone bro. Nobody here can do it for you. "May the force be with you!"

 

[Carlos1]

@Telis, this is not helpful.


Please stop posting on this thread Telis.

@Purple Parrot People have a right to their opinion @Telis has tried to help JD he won't listen.
I feel bad and wish I could find the words to remove JD's vanity and at least try something to alleviate his suffering.
In order to get help you have to help yourself first ....All we are asking JD is to help himself ....he has received allot of good advice here now its up to him.

 

[jdjd09]

I'm considering buying lllt laser tonsee if it will help. It will cost about 2k, but some say it helps reduce the ringing. Anyone on here had success with lllt starting it 4 to 5 months out? Did it help anyone with hearing loss or t? Considering buying to lucky laser.

I'm on and off about deciding to leave. But if the laser can help over the next year, maybe it can help.

 

[jdjd09]

Just curious @jdjd09, how do you plan on killing yourself? Also, are you so sure peace awaits you on the other side? Are you a religious man or not?

I've pondered these things, being exactly in your position many times. Quite frankly, death is kinda scary to me. Here, I have some control, there, who really knows? Once you pull the plug, you can't plug yourself back in. Most say, death is forever, some say you come back. Some even say, if you kill yourself, you come back a lesser form of life. Who really knows?

So, I guess you have to be really sure of yourself and your beliefs, to make that last decision in your life. If it turns out to be a mistake, it's the last mistake you'll ever make.

Good luck with it, if you decide to do it. Your choice and yours alone bro. Nobody here can do it for you. "May the force be with you!"

To answer your question, no one knows. Nor even the people who saying nothing happens, as that is a claim as well.

I doubt this is it though, seeing this life came out of " no where" as well.