MemberI can't think of anywhere else to turn. I generally bottle everything up inside which gives me no outlet, but right now my suffering has hit the stratosphere. I need to add that this is not tinnitus related, but the forum I used to use 15 years ago has long gone.
I've never told this to anyone and it has affected my life since I was 13. Only my mom, brother and wife know. I had something called pectus excavatum - I know from statistics it's likely many on here probably also have it. It developed when I was around 12 and caused me massive psychological and pyshical torment. Its a long story that ends with me getting a procedure done that wasn't the one I researched at the age of 17. I felt at the time if I didn't take the opportunity I'd never get it fixed so I did. I had something called the Ravitch procedure (I wanted the Nuss procedure) which is where they use a bone saw to cut your chest open, break every rib away from the sternum, reposition everything and then insert a metal bar to hold everything together for 6 months while it heals. After about probably 6 weeks, I went to the emergency room because I had a buldge by one of my ribs. I presumed the bar was slipping and went to get an X-ray at my local hospital (not the one that done the procedure). They refused to give me an X-ray, because the Dr said it was my rib, even though I strenuously disagreed and knew something was seriously wrong. I was sent home that night only to awaken the following day with the worst pain you can ever imagine. I was rushed back to the hospital that operated on me to be told the bar had carved through my rib and had landed on my heart. He said I was lucky to be alive as the bar was centimetres from slicing my heart. The torment of the whole thing clouds me to this day. To make matters worse I developed a serious infection which made my stitches burst open whilst an unstoppable flow of browny red infectious pus literally sprayed out of me uncontrollably. I could see my ribs through the open wound. I had to be rushed back again, this happened whilst I was at home.
Over the next two years I was severely depressed. They offered to fix the situation but I just couldn't put myself through it again; then one day I decided something had to be done, so I decided to go through with it. After the second surgery I realised I appeared to have significant tissue (muscle damage) which just added to all my problems. I had been training before all this and had well defined chest muscles that were now in my opinion butchered. To resolve this I sought the help of a top consultant on Harley Street. I had heard about this new permanent filler, that resembled muscle called bio alcamid. It was fairly new so he told me there wasn't any long term data on it but the 5 year data looked promising. I paid £5000 to have it done. I was really pleased for around the first two years but then I noticed it was migrating a little (which it wasn't supposed to) at this point my life was on the up so I kind of locked all this stuff away in a very dark corner of my mind. I never acknowledged it for the last 10 or more years; I genuinely thought it was over.
I don't know if it's the stress and anxiety I've been under recently that has bought about physical symptoms or not, but I started to notice a dull feeling in my chest that I just haven't been able to shake for the last 4 weeks. In the same way tinnitus works, the more I focussed on it the worse it got, until I couldn't tell anymore if the feelings were real or anxiety.
So, I started reading about bio alcamid which I haven't looked into since I had it injected. It's nothing but horror stories online. The product is no longer used and most people are having it removed because of infection complications and other serious issues. To say that dark corner of my brain was reopened is an understatement. I had an overwhelming flood of emotion that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally shaking. Obviously some part of me never let go and it has probably always been secretly lurking in the background but I've never acknowledged it.
Now I'm at a point where I can't handle the emotions and I can't function. The first place I thought of was here, because the support here is second to none. I've taken my own advice and going to book an appointment to see the consultant again who gave me the injections. Secondly I'm going to have to get counselling, because I realise I have some serious mental baggage that needs lifting. I've never wanted to go near anti-depressants, the gym has always been my sanctuary, but I might have to.
I never open up to anyone so writing this story is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Even my closest friends and family know nothing about any of this. At the time of my surgeries I made up fake stories about why I was in hospital, because I always felt intense shame at the thought of anyone knowing I had a pectus deformity. I can't even type that word I've got that many issues with it.
My fear now is that I'll never get over it again. I'm going to be left looking disfigured.
I've never told this to anyone and it has affected my life since I was 13. Only my mom, brother and wife know. I had something called pectus excavatum - I know from statistics it's likely many on here probably also have it. It developed when I was around 12 and caused me massive psychological and pyshical torment. Its a long story that ends with me getting a procedure done that wasn't the one I researched at the age of 17. I felt at the time if I didn't take the opportunity I'd never get it fixed so I did. I had something called the Ravitch procedure (I wanted the Nuss procedure) which is where they use a bone saw to cut your chest open, break every rib away from the sternum, reposition everything and then insert a metal bar to hold everything together for 6 months while it heals. After about probably 6 weeks, I went to the emergency room because I had a buldge by one of my ribs. I presumed the bar was slipping and went to get an X-ray at my local hospital (not the one that done the procedure). They refused to give me an X-ray, because the Dr said it was my rib, even though I strenuously disagreed and knew something was seriously wrong. I was sent home that night only to awaken the following day with the worst pain you can ever imagine. I was rushed back to the hospital that operated on me to be told the bar had carved through my rib and had landed on my heart. He said I was lucky to be alive as the bar was centimetres from slicing my heart. The torment of the whole thing clouds me to this day. To make matters worse I developed a serious infection which made my stitches burst open whilst an unstoppable flow of browny red infectious pus literally sprayed out of me uncontrollably. I could see my ribs through the open wound. I had to be rushed back again, this happened whilst I was at home.
Over the next two years I was severely depressed. They offered to fix the situation but I just couldn't put myself through it again; then one day I decided something had to be done, so I decided to go through with it. After the second surgery I realised I appeared to have significant tissue (muscle damage) which just added to all my problems. I had been training before all this and had well defined chest muscles that were now in my opinion butchered. To resolve this I sought the help of a top consultant on Harley Street. I had heard about this new permanent filler, that resembled muscle called bio alcamid. It was fairly new so he told me there wasn't any long term data on it but the 5 year data looked promising. I paid £5000 to have it done. I was really pleased for around the first two years but then I noticed it was migrating a little (which it wasn't supposed to) at this point my life was on the up so I kind of locked all this stuff away in a very dark corner of my mind. I never acknowledged it for the last 10 or more years; I genuinely thought it was over.
I don't know if it's the stress and anxiety I've been under recently that has bought about physical symptoms or not, but I started to notice a dull feeling in my chest that I just haven't been able to shake for the last 4 weeks. In the same way tinnitus works, the more I focussed on it the worse it got, until I couldn't tell anymore if the feelings were real or anxiety.
So, I started reading about bio alcamid which I haven't looked into since I had it injected. It's nothing but horror stories online. The product is no longer used and most people are having it removed because of infection complications and other serious issues. To say that dark corner of my brain was reopened is an understatement. I had an overwhelming flood of emotion that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally shaking. Obviously some part of me never let go and it has probably always been secretly lurking in the background but I've never acknowledged it.
Now I'm at a point where I can't handle the emotions and I can't function. The first place I thought of was here, because the support here is second to none. I've taken my own advice and going to book an appointment to see the consultant again who gave me the injections. Secondly I'm going to have to get counselling, because I realise I have some serious mental baggage that needs lifting. I've never wanted to go near anti-depressants, the gym has always been my sanctuary, but I might have to.
I never open up to anyone so writing this story is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Even my closest friends and family know nothing about any of this. At the time of my surgeries I made up fake stories about why I was in hospital, because I always felt intense shame at the thought of anyone knowing I had a pectus deformity. I can't even type that word I've got that many issues with it.
My fear now is that I'll never get over it again. I'm going to be left looking disfigured.
