*Trigger warning: Contains Stuff About Severe Depression and pretty angry thoughts. Please avoid if you are experiencing any kind of depression or suicidal idealization to a profound degree*
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I was starting to have a better week and had a small lift in my general spiritual state of devastation after having some of my health issues clear up. I also went on a hike for the first time in weeks, which helped a lot for me to feel better and finally get back to nature.
That was utterly shattered today while riding in the car for about a half hour, with my earplugs in. I don't know if I have become more sensitive or what, but the vibration noises in the car were horrific, but not over 70 db for whatever reason. They seemed to attack my ears through bone conduction nonetheless.
For the first time in my life I have had to ask my dad to speak louder to me because I can't hear him since getting out of the damned car. Bad enough that now I not be able to travel anywhere, but this is just horrible. His voice is just fading in the distance along with everything else, especially the low frequencies which were very important for influencing my emotional and spiritual health.
It's just days like this where the heartbreak becomes so extreme (and has been very long lived) that I really wish I was dead. Pretty sure I won't hesitate to be put down medically in the next year if my hearing gets worse because of how it cuts me off from everything dear to my heart, causes sensory integration problems, and leaves me in a psychological wasteland. It has become something far beyond, more penetrating, and more permanent than a major depressive episode.
It's just been so hard in other ways, having to deal with a migraine every day of my life, sitting in the house with few friends ever visiting because it hurts to talk to people (and they are angry that I don't like going to loud places with them). I can barely get out of the house, even for a walk around my neighborhood, because of the onslaught of city and car noises and the fact that even a passing car can set off migraine and ear problems. Earplugs, which once made the world accessible to my damaged ears, have also become a terrible burden and have seemed to exacerbate problems. And now driving has been added to the list of forbidden fruits.
Not to mention I am beginning to live with chronic pain and stiffness around the back of my neck and face, accompanied by nausea. As it stands, I can also barely do any exaggerated movements with my body (lifting things, cleaning the house, doing anything other than light walking, even drawing sometimes) without setting off the ear problems or the migraines. I can't live remotely like people my age, and even my grandparents have a far more active and richer life than I do, and I'm only 22.
I really don't understand why the world does not pay attention to the fact that tinnitus and hearing loss can potentially kill, ruin lives, smother dreams, and break the hearts of people of all ages. Every development is terribly slow and the doctors never take you seriously, because people don't see these conditions as potentially terminal, which is an absolutely flawed viewpoint.
We all live in a noisy world that continuously assaults us, with the vast majority of that world giving little cares for the immense suffering people like me face. I'm just sick of it and wish I were never born into this world that has become a plague.
I try to remain positive through everything but the more things that get taken away, the harder it is to be positive. Especially when you are left with things that have no sentient importance or value.
-------
I was starting to have a better week and had a small lift in my general spiritual state of devastation after having some of my health issues clear up. I also went on a hike for the first time in weeks, which helped a lot for me to feel better and finally get back to nature.
That was utterly shattered today while riding in the car for about a half hour, with my earplugs in. I don't know if I have become more sensitive or what, but the vibration noises in the car were horrific, but not over 70 db for whatever reason. They seemed to attack my ears through bone conduction nonetheless.
For the first time in my life I have had to ask my dad to speak louder to me because I can't hear him since getting out of the damned car. Bad enough that now I not be able to travel anywhere, but this is just horrible. His voice is just fading in the distance along with everything else, especially the low frequencies which were very important for influencing my emotional and spiritual health.
It's just days like this where the heartbreak becomes so extreme (and has been very long lived) that I really wish I was dead. Pretty sure I won't hesitate to be put down medically in the next year if my hearing gets worse because of how it cuts me off from everything dear to my heart, causes sensory integration problems, and leaves me in a psychological wasteland. It has become something far beyond, more penetrating, and more permanent than a major depressive episode.
It's just been so hard in other ways, having to deal with a migraine every day of my life, sitting in the house with few friends ever visiting because it hurts to talk to people (and they are angry that I don't like going to loud places with them). I can barely get out of the house, even for a walk around my neighborhood, because of the onslaught of city and car noises and the fact that even a passing car can set off migraine and ear problems. Earplugs, which once made the world accessible to my damaged ears, have also become a terrible burden and have seemed to exacerbate problems. And now driving has been added to the list of forbidden fruits.
Not to mention I am beginning to live with chronic pain and stiffness around the back of my neck and face, accompanied by nausea. As it stands, I can also barely do any exaggerated movements with my body (lifting things, cleaning the house, doing anything other than light walking, even drawing sometimes) without setting off the ear problems or the migraines. I can't live remotely like people my age, and even my grandparents have a far more active and richer life than I do, and I'm only 22.
I really don't understand why the world does not pay attention to the fact that tinnitus and hearing loss can potentially kill, ruin lives, smother dreams, and break the hearts of people of all ages. Every development is terribly slow and the doctors never take you seriously, because people don't see these conditions as potentially terminal, which is an absolutely flawed viewpoint.
We all live in a noisy world that continuously assaults us, with the vast majority of that world giving little cares for the immense suffering people like me face. I'm just sick of it and wish I were never born into this world that has become a plague.
I try to remain positive through everything but the more things that get taken away, the harder it is to be positive. Especially when you are left with things that have no sentient importance or value.
Member
Cling to what gives you joy in life, and fight!!!!
. Try not to stress about this too much. The stress and anxiety will suck up all your strength!! Stay strong and fight this fight with us!
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