Losing Hope, Wrapping Up

[Ento]

Hi fellow sufferers.

I know you all need support, and I wish I could give you some. That I one day could post in the Success Stories, perhaps give some of you hope. But I'm sorry I cannot offer you some, only this negativeness. But I have no one else to talk to.

Five weeks in now, and it's not getting better. Getting worse it seems. Two weeks now since I had a full good day, in silence. Now these periods are shorter and shorter. Not days anymore; hours, moments.

It's a beautiful morning today, blue sky, crispy white snow. 10c below zero. Pefect for skiing. But I woke up crying. Had a horrible night. Last friday I visited the ENT specialist, he was cheerful and said it would go away, within 4-6 months. Gave me a superficial examination. Said my ears are OK. That the audiogram says I hear very well. No problems there he said. I clutched the positiveness he was radiating, but was uneasy about the fact that he didn't listen to me, he mostly talked. The same story he probably tells all. I tried to talk about probable causes, what I thought could have caused it, possible treatments. Now I realize that my history doesn't matter, that's why he didn't listen. There is nothing to do, no hope. All he can do is cheer you up, and offer anti-depressive medicines.

Went to accupuncture after that. It hurt, and gave some more hope. The rest of that day was better. Slept well that night. However saturday it began again, without stopping. Sunday also. A little better in the evening. Yesterday still there, but a little better, when I pushed it away. Tonight it came back with full intensity.

That's what bother me most perhaps, the fluctuations. From ear to ear sometimes. Other times it's almost gone, I can' hear it even if I listen for it. When it's good I can watch TV, listen to soft music, work on things, I'm miles high on the silence. At first it gave me hope. Now I know something is irrepairably damaged. It comes back with full force. Nobody can fix it.

I don't think anymore that it will go away by itself. I understand that I likely will not be able to do my job anymore, never enjoy the things that gave me pleasure. The wife is still hopeful, giving me advice, making good food, herbs, ointments, vitamins. Helping as she can. However I can see it in her eyes. The boy says daddy's ears will be OK, daddy will be fine. That really, really, hurts. Because daddy will not be fine, never ever. Daddy will probably not be here this time next year.

Every day the last weeks I have the same feeling I had when my mother got ill, exactly 20 years ago. We all knew it was the end, there was nothing to do. A horrible feeling.

I'm starting to sell off stuff know. Stuff that they won't need. They will need cash, a good economy. I can provide that, they will be fine. Wife will curse me, but she will cope. She is the social type. Perhaps she'll find a better one. But I'm so sorry for the boy. I hope he will cope. Life will never be the same, like mine when mother and later father passed away. But he will survive, like I did. He will have many good days.

Not sure what to do. I cannot bring shame on them. Need to wrap up things first. I have a story to finish. My story, in the family book. Secure the finances. Could take some months. Keep a straight face, give them hope. Wife turns 50 soon, I have promised here something nice. Then there is summer, Italy this time. The boy loves the sea. The lovely sunshine. But autumn will come. It rains a lot here in the north, it's dark. Long nights, short days. I never coould stand the rain, it goes on for weeks.

 

[AZeurotuner]

Hi fellow sufferers.

I know you all need support, and I wish I could give you some. That I one day could post in the Success Stories, perhaps give some of you hope. But I'm sorry I cannot offer you some, only this negativeness. But I have no one else to talk to.

Five weeks in now, and it's not getting better. Getting worse it seems. Two weeks now since I had a full good day, in silence. Now these periods are shorter and shorter. Not days anymore; hours, moments.

It's a beautiful morning today, blue sky, crispy white snow. 10c below zero. Pefect for skiing. But I woke up crying. Had a horrible night. Last friday I visited the ENT specialist, he was cheerful and said it would go away, within 4-6 months. Gave me a superficial examination. Said my ears are OK. That the audiogram says I hear very well. No problems there he said. I clutched the positiveness he was radiating, but was uneasy about the fact that he didn't listen to me, he mostly talked. The same story he probably tells all. I tried to talk about probable causes, what I thought could have caused it, possible treatments. Now I realize that my history doesn't matter, that's why he didn't listen. There is nothing to do, no hope. All he can do is cheer you up, and offer anti-depressive medicines.

Went to accupuncture after that. It hurt, and gave some more hope. The rest of that day was better. Slept well that night. However saturday it began again, without stopping. Sunday also. A little better in the evening. Yesterday still there, but a little better, when I pushed it away. Tonight it came back with full intensity.

That's what bother me most perhaps, the fluctuations. From ear to ear sometimes. Other times it's almost gone, I can' hear it even if I listen for it. When it's good I can watch TV, listen to soft music, work on things, I'm miles high on the silence. At first it gave me hope. Now I know something is irrepairably damaged. It comes back with full force. Nobody can fix it.

I don't think anymore that it will go away by itself. I understand that I likely will not be able to do my job anymore, never enjoy the things that gave me pleasure. The wife is still hopeful, giving me advice, making good food, herbs, ointments, vitamins. Helping as she can. However I can see it in her eyes. The boy says daddy's ears will be OK, daddy will be fine. That really, really, hurts. Because daddy will not be fine, never ever. Daddy will probably not be here this time next year.

Every day the last weeks I have the same feeling I had when my mother got ill, exactly 20 years ago. We all knew it was the end, there was nothing to do. A horrible feeling.

I'm starting to sell off stuff know. Stuff that they won't need. They will need cash, a good economy. I can provide that, they will be fine. Wife will curse me, but she will cope. She is the social type. Perhaps she'll find a better one. But I'm so sorry for the boy. I hope he will cope. Life will never be the same, like mine when mother and later father passed away. But he will survive, like I did. He will have many good days.

Not sure what to do. I cannot bring shame on them. Need to wrap up things first. I have a story to finish. My story, in the family book. Secure the finances. Could take some months. Keep a straight face, give them hope. Wife turns 50 soon, I have promised here something nice. Then there is summer, Italy this time. The boy loves the sea. The lovely sunshine. But autumn will come. It rains a lot here in the north, it's dark. Long nights, short days. I never coould stand the rain, it goes on for weeks.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so depressed, but you've only had T for 5 weeks, it's entirely possible that it will fade, or even disappear entirely if given some time. If I were you I'd look into lllt, hbot, and drug based treatments that can be very effective if utilized while T is still in the acute stages. It would also be a good idea to have a discussion with your doctor about getting put on an antidepressant and possibly something for anxiety as well. It's way too early to give up man, stay positive and keep your head up.

 

[Sven]

Hi Ento!

First of all, before I forget. Do go skiing! Please do.

Second, I see that you've only had tinnitus since January, and most of us have been where you are, where everything feels unbearable, but I promise you that it will improve. The noise may go away and if it doesn't there's still a good chance that it'll lesser in strength. AND, if it neither of that happens, you and your body will adapt and habitutate to the sound, no matter how horrible everything feels now.

You need to give it time. Don't do anything rash.

What caused this T? It says "noise induced", but can you be more specific?

 

[Ento]

Thanks for the support guys, really appreciated. Sorry for the rant, I am really low now. Never been so low.

I'll go skiing now, I promise. Have to work up some endorphines.

I think now it happened at the shooting range, my hearing protector wasn't fitted properly. I didn't notice anything then, T started one week later. Also a lot of stress before that.

 

[Sven]

Thanks for the support guys, really appreciated. Sorry for the rant, I am really low now. Never been so low.

I'll go skiing now, I promise. Have to work up some endorphines.

I think now it happened at the shooting range, my hearing protector wasn't fitted properly. I didn't notice anything then, T started one week later. Also a lot of stress before that.

No worries. We need to ventilate.

Anything that can keep you mind away from the T. is helpful. I'm spiking right now, but short periods of time when I get busy with something else it disappears so it seems the brain CAN shut it out at times, at least.

I'm trying to persuade myself to go to the gym here, as well...

 

[Bobby B]

If you can hear very well and the T only started a week later the we can rule out acoustic trauma - you will be fine

Probably just stress which can be fixed

 

[Imshael]

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. I've had a noticeable T for about five weeks as well. It's not easy, but as long as I'm busy I forget that it's there. So do things that you enjoy. Try to do things that keep your mind occupied. And if you are feeling so bad, get professional help. If not for yourself, for those around you.

 

[Jason37]

I got it in one ear from ONE rifle shot aswell. My ear plugs were togeather on a string and my rifle butt dislodged my right one. I have minor hearing loss and my T is like yours. Mine started out very clearly butt now I have 2-3 or three days in a row where it's hard to make out even in a quiet room. Again my ringing did not start until 5 days later. I also went into a DEEP depression and self blame which I am still dealing with. I also have 2 small children and thought the same way. That little gift from God needs you and so does your wife. This may sound weird but I have realized that I am blessed that mine could have been worse and it still can get better with time.

If your is as intermentant as mine( which it sounds like it is), you never know what good things can happen. There are a lot of guys who have had this thing just quit after acoustic trauma, even after years. There are only 25,000 members here and over 600,000,000 million people in the world with T. think about that. I try and think about all the WW2 and Vietnam guys who have bad hearing loss and this stupid T. They lived with it and some even forgot they had it. I know a lot of cases are permanent but there are so many that aren't.

If you want to read about some positive stories about it leaving after gun fire, go to some shooting forums and there are plenty of guys who say they just don't care about it or it went away, and they don't remember when and it just faded away. Search calguns.net and Tinnitus.

Those guys have had it for years and still shoot "safely". Accidents happen man, it's taken me 8 months to realize that and start to forgive myself. go see about prednisone. I asked twice at 4 weeks and they told me it wouldn't help. I should have pushed that more. Also so much stuff about hearing restoration and Tinnitus being done this year we have no Idea what could happen.

Just a side note my Uncle down the lane has had loud cricket T for 20 years from a factory and I have spoke to him almost every morning for like 15 years and I had no Idea until last week. He just doesn't care or even phase him. Says he doesn't hear it until I talk about it! I'm not a great one for giving advise as I am still dealing with it but I am just learning that anxiety and guilt are terible for recovery. Don't give up man, it could be gone tommarow. Sending prayers your way!

 

[Ento]

I got it in one ear from ONE rifle shot aswell. My ear plugs were togeather on a string and my rifle butt dislodged my right one. I have minor hearing loss and my T is like yours. Mine started out very clearly butt now I have 2-3 or three days in a row where it's hard to make out even in a quiet room. Again my ringing did not start until 5 days later. I also went into a DEEP depression and self blame which I am still dealing with. I also have 2 small children and thought the same way. That little gift from God needs you and so does your wife. This may sound weird but I have realized that I am blessed that mine could have been worse and it still can get better with time.

If your is as intermentant as mine( which it sounds like it is), you never know what good things can happen. There are a lot of guys who have had this thing just quit after acoustic trauma, even after years. There are only 25,000 members here and over 600,000,000 million people in the world with T. think about that. I try and think about all the WW2 and Vietnam guys who have bad hearing loss and this stupid T. They lived with it and some even forgot they had it. I know a lot of cases are permanent but there are so many that aren't.

If you want to read about some positive stories about it leaving after gun fire, go to some shooting forums and there are plenty of guys who say they just don't care about it or it went away, and they don't remember when and it just faded away. Search calguns.net and Tinnitus.

Those guys have had it for years and still shoot "safely". Accidents happen man, it's taken me 8 months to realize that and start to forgive myself. go see about prednisone. I asked twice at 4 weeks and they told me it wouldn't help. I should have pushed that more. Also so much stuff about hearing restoration and Tinnitus being done this year we have no Idea what could happen.

Just a side note my Uncle down the lane has had loud cricket T for 20 years from a factory and I have spoke to him almost every morning for like 15 years and I had no Idea until last week. He just doesn't care or even phase him. Says he doesn't hear it until I talk about it! I'm not a great one for giving advise as I am still dealing with it but I am just learning that anxiety and guilt are terible for recovery. Don't give up man, it could be gone tommarow. Sending prayers your way!

Many many thanks for the support Jason37. Really appreciated. Yes, mine is intermittent as yours. I also have ups and downs, a couple very, very low. Yesterday I really thought I was not going to survive this. Today I'm better. Trying to accept it, reconcile myself with the accident. Seems to make me feel better. T got lower tonight, today it is only a light hissing.

 

[Bill Bauer]

For many people (myself included) the second month after onset is the hardest.

today it is only a light hissing

Many T sufferers here got to experience light hissing only after struggling with a high pitch tone or intense/sharp hissing for 9-12 months. The fact that you are already down to a soft hiss after only 2 months is a very good sign.

 

[Sven]

Many many thanks for the support Jason37. Really appreciated. Yes, mine is intermittent as yours. I also have ups and downs, a couple very, very low. Yesterday I really thought I was not going to survive this. Today I'm better. Trying to accept it, reconcile myself with the accident. Seems to make me feel better. T got lower tonight, today it is only a light hissing.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

Did you end up going skiing?

 

[Bill Bauer]

Other times it's almost gone, I can' hear it even if I listen for it.

You might want to be thankful for the fluctuations. Imagine if it were relentlessly at the same level!

In any case, in case you haven't seen it yet, check out
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...eone-else-who-has-tinnitus.26850/#post-307822

 

[Bill Bauer]

If you can hear very well and the T only started a week later the we can rule out acoustic trauma - you will be fine

I can hear well and my T began 11 days after my exposure to noise and vibration. Having said this, there is a small chance that I gave T to myself when I tried to treat the ear fullness that followed my acoustic trauma with a Valsalva maneuver...

 

[AZeurotuner]

Many many thanks for the support Jason37. Really appreciated. Yes, mine is intermittent as yours. I also have ups and downs, a couple very, very low. Yesterday I really thought I was not going to survive this. Today I'm better. Trying to accept it, reconcile myself with the accident. Seems to make me feel better. T got lower tonight, today it is only a light hissing.

Good to hear that you're in a better state of mind now, tinnitus can be tough sometimes but most folks learn to cope with it, and there's always people to talk to on the forum when you're having a hard time.

 

[fishbone]

First of all find a new ENT. No one in their right mind, can predict what happens with tinnitus. It may stay the same, it may fade, we don't know...no one knows.

Second of all, no matter how bad you feel, YOU need to think of your family. You have a wife and a child, many people including myself are at this alone with worst/intrusive tinnitus and we carry on. Sure, your tinnitus is very new and you are shaken up, all of us were in the same boat. In time, you CAN manage to live with this ordeal and actually live a good life. I highly suggest that you speak to a therapist and get as much support as you can.

Tinnitus can make life a bit challenging, but we still need to try to be positive and try to move ahead with our lives. Volume should not make a difference, I was at the very beginning stages 30 years ago with the low hiss (non-intrusive) and I was shaken up. Now I have INTRUSIVE level and I careless about it, it all boils down the mindset we have and just carrying on no matter what. yes, it's not always easy but we can do this.

Protect your ears, avoid loud people/places. Avoid negative people and just be good to yourself and your family. You are lucky to have people tell you, that they love you everyday. NEVER take this for granted, even when you have tinnitus....

 

[Ento]

Many thanks all, I'm really touched by your support. What a great forum .

 

[Ento]

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

Did you end up going skiing?

Yes I went skiing . Three mornings in a row now. Really lovely outside.

 

[Tempest]

Good to hear you are feeling better Ento!

Second of all, no matter how bad you feel, YOU need to think of your family. You have a wife and a child, many people including myself are at this alone with worst/intrusive tinnitus and we carry on.

I know you mean well, but what an awful thing to say. Nothing is worse than guilt-tripping a suicidal person. I don't want to open the pandora's box, but personally I think no one else, but oneself can decide if life is or ain't worth having anymore.