MRI Ruined My Hyperacusis/Everything Story (Trigger Warning: Mental Health/Self-Harm)

[scared8]

Hi all,

Apologies as this post is LONG/rambling. I got an insanely loud MRI against better judgement 3 months ago, I have had severe sound sensitivity/occasional pain (unsure if noxacusis) since then. I will NEVER forgive myself, I did research beforehand/called imaging places and asked questions. Well I guess I panicked/was anxious about what was wrong with me (my doctor suspected autoimmune condition - I had severe fatigue and occasional dizziness. I could not work, felt like a zombie). I wasn't convinced by their particular suspicion (condition both specialists thought I had is rare, but second opinions made me feel a little more sure). Lots of doubt/red flags. I went NINE MONTHS not doing the imaging and seeing if symptoms would get better. Mostly just wanted to avoid imaging.

One day I started getting different symptoms and convinced myself something was really wrong. I should have gone to ER for CT (I told myself too expensive so didn't do it. I would rather be bankrupt than be going through this). I didn't do the CT originally because doctors said the MRI was the superior choice in this case.

For reference, I have bad anxiety. I think I convinced myself I had a brain tumor or something catastrophic and I didn't want to wait for the CT referral. As if a few days would change anything? I must have panicked/lost my COMMON SENSE and booked the MRI since I had the referral. It was a 3T, one of the loudest. I had earplugs, but they weren't enough. I ordered non-metallic earmuffs to take but they hadn't arrived yet so I used their earmuffs but they didn't block sound which I KNEW because they told me.

I could have canceled the MRI appointment. I could have apologized to my mom who drove me and told the tech saying I didn't feel right. I COULD HAVE SQUEEZED PANIC BUTTON while in the machine. I read on a website that if your hyperacusis is caused by acoustic trauma and your have noxacusis, it is far less likely to improve or will improve way less - not sure exactly what the poster said.

I treated my ears like GLASS before this because they are sensitive. I think that's why I had such a bad reaction to the imaging. I blow dried my hair w/ earplugs in, skipped occasions like birthdays because they were in loud places. My carpet is dirty in my room. I would not use vacuum even with DOUBLE protection because I was scared, I was going to ask my mom if she didn't mind doing it.

HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS? I've replayed that day in my mind so many times. There's no excuse for it. I read horror stories on this site and others before the imaging. My hypochondria was finally my undoing. I let my anxiety win, and now I will be a prisoner in my home FOREVER. Who will take care of my mom when she gets older? I have to tell my brother I can't go to his wedding in a few months. My little brother, who I've known since the day he was born, proud of him - got a great job and first house. I will never see it. I can't meet my future nieces/nephews. Joyful noises they make might cause a setback. No Christmas, birthdays or Thanksgiving. All because I let my guard down and didn't stick to my guns.

I'm thinking about ending it, but I can't do that to my mom. I would be killing her too, just in a different way. I ruined her life. I wish I could leave so she could enjoy her retirement without me being a burden. Go shopping, beach vacation with friends. She is an angel. My dad is gone. She would be alone. That hurts more than this stupid condition. Imagining her trying to cook and take care of the house as an elderly woman. Taking our dog to the vet, her only companion until the dog inevitably passes away. Another loss and I wouldn't be there. I was/still and a piece of garbage and never appreciated my parents or the opportunities I have been given. I could never right all of my wrongs, but now I won't have the chance to try and be a better person. Rotting in my room is my self-induced fate. I want to give my organs to people who need them and rest of body to science. At least something good would come of this.

My audiologist was nice and very positive, but I have been warned by sufferers to be wary of false hope. Not enough is known by doctors according to what I've been told. Good intentions but could make things worse. She suggested slowly introducing sound. My ears are very full and sensitive, not sure if I want to risk it. I was also advised to wean off heavy ear protection and use something like musician's earplugs.

I went to a birthday party about 2 weeks after the MRI. I think this was what really sealed my fate. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I wore earplugs and went with extreme hesitation. Another example of stupidity and not speaking up. I think the occlusion effect got me. I might be better if not for that.

I wanted to get back on track, start doing something with my life. See friends and family again. I was paranoid during COVID-19 so haven't seen many of them in a couple years. Now I never will. Praying for a miracle for all of us. People are saying the science is happening but will take awhile which is understandable.

I don't want offend anyone or make anybody uncomfortable by bringing up religion, but I think if I didn't believe, then I would be far less hesitant about ending things. Scared about what comes after. I also don't want to leave that pain for my mom to deal with. Is it worse to burden her with my existence or to break her heart with my death? If I ended it and just ripped the bandaid off, would that be better in the long run? But my mom is so loving, she would be unable to move on to a better life. She would grieve every day even though I wouldn't deserve her grief.

Please judge me for my actions because I deserve it. I was warned. It's over.

God of mercy, please forgive me for what I have done. I have failed You, my parents and my brother.

Thanks for reading, and I'm praying for everyone who is struggling.

 

[Diego LR]

Hi @scared8,

Sorry to hear about your pain and suffering. I also had severe fatigue and dizziness around 5 years ago after a stomach procedure, my ear problems started then too. I wonder if there is a connection. I am curious, why were you so protective of your ears before the MRI? Did/do you have tinnitus?

Let me tell you that it is not your fault as you tried to do your best for yourself and you could not predict the unfortunate consequences. It is traumatic for you, that is why it is difficult for you not to blame yourself. However, self compassion is what you need.

Hugs.

 

[Jupiterman]

For clarity; can you state the symptoms you are experiencing in your ears now?

 

[scared8]

Hi @scared8,

Sorry to hear about your pain and suffering. I also had severe fatigue and dizziness around 5 years ago after a stomach procedure, my ear problems started then too. I wonder if there is a connection. I am curious, why were you so protective of your ears before the MRI? Did/do you have tinnitus?

Let me tell you that it is not your fault as you tried to do your best for yourself and you could not predict the unfortunate consequences. It is traumatic for you, that is why it is difficult for you not to blame yourself. However, self compassion is what you need.

Hugs.

@Diego LR, thanks so much for your response. I've had sensitive hearing for a few years which is why I was always so careful. That's why it's my fault because I could predict what would happen. Probably not going to make it but too scared to follow through. Don't be like me, always trust your gut. I didn't and it has ruined everything.

For clarity; can you state the symptoms you are experiencing in your ears now?

@Jupiterman, thanks for your response - I have a pretty sensitive hearing, sometimes small sounds like a door closing (without hearing protection) are very uncomfortable and can sometimes make me jump. Sometimes it feels like something is tickling/messing with nerves in the ear and it is unsettling.

Aural fullness, sometimes a burning/stabbing in ear. Not sure if it's because I'm protecting pretty much 24/7 or if it's noxacusis. Discomfort will sometimes go into neck/teeth area. My doctor, months before this happened, thought I have a TMJ/clenching issue and I used to wear a mouth guard. I had stabbing/warm sensation back then as well. I'm wondering if the MRI and going to a birthday party two weeks after set everything off. I was so against it, what have I done?

There is no hope, is there. Trying to see if there is a way I can take my life without my mom finding me. Can't drive - maybe take an Uber and call police to let them know where to find me. I want to donate my organs and body to science.

 

[Jupiterman]

You definitely have loudness hyperacusis.

You likely have a measure of noxacusis too.

The aural fullness could be a symptom of some damage or just anxiety.

Hyperacusis and aural fullness tend to resolve over time without intervention, usually over several months but can take longer.

It's difficult to judge how bad your noxacusis is but I would advise you to err on the side of caution. For the time being I would recommend avoiding any sounds that HURT your ears, particularly loud sounds. Plug up if you are going outside. Don't plug 24/7. If you are sitting quiet at home or sleeping, this would be the opportunity to allow your ears to hear.

There is no hope, is there. Trying to see if there is a way I can take my life without my mom finding me. Can't drive - maybe take an Uber and call police to let them know where to find me. I want to donate my organs and body to science.

I'd put your plans on hold for the moment. Many recover (and well) from the ailments you describe.

Try to get your anxiety under control as that won't be helping you.

 

[F-u-T]

I damaged my ears with loud music 4 years ago. I felt the same way you do. I had terrible guilt. Please give it some time to heal. My hypercusis got much better.

Here are some things that helped me to overcome the mental side of things:

Just focus on one day at a time. Don't futurize your thoughts. The only day that matters right now is today.

Try to distract yourself any way you can. Go for a walk, play a game, read, whatever you are able to do that can distract you.

Don't think about the worst case scenario. Anxiety feeds off thinking about the worst outcome over and over. In reality the worst case scenario for most things in life rarely happens.

It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. People get MRIs all the time with no problems. Forgive yourself.

It is not an easy road. It's been the biggest challenge of my life so far. But it will get better if you give it time. I will pray for you.

 

[Aussie Lea]

I damaged my ears with loud music 4 years ago. I felt the same way you do. I had terrible guilt. Please give it some time to heal. My hypercusis got much better.

Here are some things that helped me to overcome the mental side of things:

Just focus on one day at a time. Don't futurize your thoughts. The only day that matters right now is today.

Try to distract yourself any way you can. Go for a walk, play a game, read, whatever you are able to do that can distract you.

Don't think about the worst case scenario. Anxiety feeds off thinking about the worst outcome over and over. In reality the worst case scenario for most things in life rarely happens.

It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. People get MRIs all the time with no problems. Forgive yourself.

It is not an easy road. It's been the biggest challenge of my life so far. But it will get better if you give it time. I will pray for you.

That is lovely advice.

Yes @scared8, don't blame yourself. Could have happened to anyone.

You'll overcome this.

 

[scared8]

Apologies for length:

I live with my mom and she's the only person besides doctors that I've interacted with physically in 3 months. My pychiatrist says hyperacusis is just anxiety and almost dropped me as a patient because I didn't go to one of my appointments (scared to ride in a car).

My mom says I'm not trying the things people recommend, typical potentially worsening stuff like CBT - cannot talk to therapist for 30 minutes/this will help maybe mentally but not physically, and sound therapy - my ears are so sensitive right now. I have heard mixed reviews about it.

I was disappointed but not surprised when my audiologist said my hyperacusis was mainly anxiety. So frustrating.

My mom is upset with me because I'm not "trying" - not her fault, she's going by what the doctors say. She is literally around 15 steps away but I'm scared to leave my room. I only speak with her around 5 minutes a day.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me, your kindness is amazing.

I think it's time for me to go now. None of this is worth it. People essentially telling you that it's all in your head, meanwhile a door closing feels like it is being slammed. I grew up in church and met amazing people there. I'm worried that ending it will mean eternity away from God. This is one of the only things keeping me from doing it. Forgive me as I do not judge ANYONE who takes their life - it is not their fault they were suffering. Sounds bad but sometimes I wish I didn't believe. For some reason something is keeping me from talking to my amazing friend about this. I KNOW she believes me about the hyperacusis and would stand with me. I guess I just don't want to talk about it because it scares me. I have sent texts to my cousin & aunt because they are also supportive but I scared my aunt because I alluded to "S" and she called my mom (understandably) to check on me.

Please God, I don't know what Your plan is and I know it's not always meant for us to know, but I cry out to You. Please help us God, this is eating us alive. We are rotting alone in our bedrooms and hanging on by a thread.

Please forgive me for getting that MRI when I knew it would destroy my ears. I will never be able to move on from that decision even though I should for the sake of mental healing and You have also taught us that You forgive us.

I have a history of anxiety that has sometimes been very severe. Two hospital visits in the past for panic attacks. Because of this, I think people (not always consciously) write me off as a head case. I'm a hypochondriac and have thought I've had so many illnesses over the years. Ironically, my symptoms from around a year ago led me to getting the MRI. My anxiety and worry finally killed me.

If I'm gone, PLEASE don't give up the fight and carry the flag to let the medical professionals know that we are NOT mentally ill. Research and funding MUST be pursued and people with other "invisible"/chronic illnesses, like CFS/ME, should also not be gaslit and have people with power in the medical community on their side. The way that disabled or differently abled people are treated is inhumane, and something must be done.

At this point, I might just take my chances and where I end up is where I end up. I deserve it anyway. If I'm being honest, I can't bring myself to do it at this time. God forgive me, and please watch over my family which I know You already do.

Without knowing it, you have all been my friends through this ordeal. You're selfless, reaching out to me while fighting your own battles.

I don't know how to explain it, but I have a gut feeling I won't get better. I feel guilty saying this because I'm putting words in God's mouth and showing that I doubt Him and the fact that He already has a plan. Circumstances of previous sensitivity before trauma along with the hyperacusis being acoustic trauma induced apparently have a poor prognosis. If anything I'm a bit worse (maybe not, but definitely not better). My mom is tired and needs a break. Me being gone will give her that. She will grieve and it will destroy her, but eventually something better will come along. This gives me a weird sense of peace. That she can move on and enjoy her life. But I know her and this will always haunt her. It's a double edged sword.

I wish us hyperacusis, noxacusis and tinnitus sufferers could meet in an alternate universe, grab lunch and see a movie. Go to a concert and party the night away. Go camping and see the starts while roasting marshmallows and telling funny stories. See our families and friends, drink hot chocolate during the holidays, watch the Thanksgiving parade. All of you deserve that and more.

I'll miss my mom, my brother, my dog. My brother is getting married soon, I'll miss his future kids and my future SIL. Maybe God will let me see my late dad before He takes me to where I'm going. He's been gone for ten years now. He was the best man I've ever known. I'm sorry, dad. I wish I was strong like you.

God have mercy on me and please forgive me.

 

[gameover]

I prayed, prayed and prayed. Nothing. The God does not exist, does not care/listen to us, or wants us punished for some insane reason. The first explanation is easiest to stomach.

 

[orenge01]

I prayed, prayed and prayed. Nothing. The God does not exist, does not care/listen to us, or wants us punished for some insane reason. The first explanation is easiest to stomach.

Yeah sometimes I wonder why the world is so cruel, why is there such a common condition that no one knows how to cure, why? Why can't we just enjoy life? Why can't humans' hair cells generate but other animals' can? Why do we have to suffer? Why?

 

[scared8]

4 month update:

Everything has gotten extremely worse. My ears hurt more than I thought was even possible - it's like a deep nerve pain that stabs and burns even in silence. Every breath or swallow brings out the sensitivity. My mom talking in a low voice through double earpro made me jump.

I went to urgent care out of sheer panic which was incredibly stupid because they can't do anything. The drive to and from was insanely loud - at one point like a jet engine. There's no way I'm not getting a setback. My tinnitus is insane, and it's usually pretty manageable. If I try meds for the pain, it is a risk. Constant nausea and vomiting 1-3 times/day. It's possible my current anxiety meds are the cause - but it's my fault because I couldn't get to the pharmacy and I went a few days without Xanax which might have caused withdrawal... not sure.

This pain is incomprehensible. It's like a bad toothache that goes deep into the bone. When I breathe in, there's a sharp cool sensation that feels like someone is cutting my ear nerves apart with wire strippers. If I had a chance, I'd go back to my original symptoms in a heartbeat. At least they weren't as severe.

Apologies for the rant. It doesn't look good.

 

[RunningMan]

Constant nausea and vomiting 1-3 times/day. It's possible my current anxiety meds are the cause - but it's my fault because I couldn't get to the pharmacy and I went a few days without Xanax which might have caused withdrawal... not sure.

Depression and/or anxiety can cause nausea, also.

 

[Utdmad89]

Yeah sometimes I wonder why the world is so cruel, why is there such a common condition that no one knows how to cure, why? Why can't we just enjoy life? Why can't humans' hair cells generate but other animals' can? Why do we have to suffer? Why?

9 out of 10 conditions can't be cured. Sadly tinnitus is one of them.

 

[Travis Henry]

4 month update:

Everything has gotten extremely worse. My ears hurt more than I thought was even possible - it's like a deep nerve pain that stabs and burns even in silence. Every breath or swallow brings out the sensitivity. My mom talking in a low voice through double earpro made me jump.

I went to urgent care out of sheer panic which was incredibly stupid because they can't do anything. The drive to and from was insanely loud - at one point like a jet engine. There's no way I'm not getting a setback. My tinnitus is insane, and it's usually pretty manageable. If I try meds for the pain, it is a risk. Constant nausea and vomiting 1-3 times/day. It's possible my current anxiety meds are the cause - but it's my fault because I couldn't get to the pharmacy and I went a few days without Xanax which might have caused withdrawal... not sure.

This pain is incomprehensible. It's like a bad toothache that goes deep into the bone. When I breathe in, there's a sharp cool sensation that feels like someone is cutting my ear nerves apart with wire strippers. If I had a chance, I'd go back to my original symptoms in a heartbeat. At least they weren't as severe.

Apologies for the rant. It doesn't look good.

I love you my friend. You are an amazing, caring soul. I can tell. You are my type of person. Always putting others before yourself. Me being so selfless and a worry wart is what got me here I feel. Plus I have had a horrible brother who is a gaslighting narcissist making me second guess every step and decision I've ever taken with violence and conniving devilish ways. He turned my mother and sister against me and tore my family apart all for his own lazy benefit. Man what I would give to have had a sibling like you. I would have protected you with all my heart and taken a bullet for you.

I love you so much brother. Please try to hold on. I tell you this as I sit homebound since April 2022 with beyond awful catastrophic reactive tinnitus, loudness hyperacusis and suicidal idealation. I have even thought of August the 11th since that's when Robin Williams left us.

I am sorry for your suffering and everyone's. I can't believe the lack of awareness for ear protection. I can't believe how badly the medical community treat us. I guess these conditions are just so rare. No one gives a shit. They just laugh at us and call us mental. So wrong. If only I had had friends, family, ear doctors and auditory specalists take my unstable tinnitus seriously --- especially the one that diagnosed me with hyperacusis. Instead they told me to keep exposing to sound. These people have blood on their hands.

 

[gameover]

Yeah sometimes I wonder why the world is so cruel, why is there such a common condition that no one knows how to cure, why? Why can't we just enjoy life? Why can't humans' hair cells generate but other animals' can? Why do we have to suffer? Why?

It is worse than that. Why is this a condition so few people seem to know about and like nobody talks about? I went 45+ years thru my life without knowing about tinnitus in relation to sound damage at least. Two close friends who had a milder form (unknown causes, maybe infections), but never mentioned it to me. I heard about one antibiotics induced case, that's all.