Hey everyone. I was asked by a few members on this forum to write a detailed, structured success story (if you can call it that) to show how it is absolutely possible to get out of the worst hell imaginable and have a life again. I'm going to break it down into different months, as accurately as I remember:
It Begins
July 12, 2021. I remember this day as it were yesterday. I was on a leisure trip around the US, visiting as many friends as possible. Throughout my entire life, I always had mild tinnitus (quiet room, single tone), most likely from very serious ear infections I had in my childhood. I always thought some noises were "too loud", whch brings me to believe that I also had a mild form of loudness hyperacusis. On my trip, however, I spent a large amount of time listening to music way too loud in earbuds. And on that day, the 12th of July, I had my first "appearance" of serious tinnitus and hyperacusis. Of course, I went through the whole shabam - going to doctors, no help from them of course, insane anxiety, etc. I would not have called myself very severe at that time, because I could still take showers and walk around the city in ear plugs, but for me my life was over - constant, intrusive (at that time) tinnitus, sleep issues, etc. Over time I came to accept my situation, and life kept going, albeit at a much less active degree (no concerts, no bars, etc).
My Worsening
September 24, 2021. My birthday. A couple days ago, I had a haircut with clippers used very close to my ears. It sent my tinnitus and hyperacusis into overdrive. Over the course of the next few weeks I was worsening daily. I could not do anything, I couldn't wash he dishes, I couldn't go outside without double protection, etc. This spike is what sent everything into overdrive. From this day forth, I was worsening every day, and my tinnitus was getting more and more tones, by the day, by the hour. After 2-3 weeks, my hyperacusis got so bad that I had to start wearing hearing protection 24/7, and my tinnitus tones changed on a minute-to-minute basis. Every single noise was too loud, Lego falling in the floor sounded like bombs, swallowing water would spike me permanently. I couldn't eat food without spiking, I couldn't drink. My life became so limited and full of constant torture, that all I thought about was death. I didn't want to exist anymore, all I wanted to do was sleep to get relief from the suffering in my dreams.
Over the course of the next few months, the worsening continued. My sound tolerance kept falling. My girlfriend broke up with me, my family ostracized me (they did come around, though, thanks to the help of some amazing forum members getting in contact with them - thank you). I was completely alone, in real life at least. The only support I had was from fellow sufferers, and these wonderful people - I thank from the bottom of my heart.
All I did, all day, every day, was research tinnitus and hyperacusis, talk about tinnitus with my peers. I barely ate anything, and eventually I took a loan to hire a friend/caretaker to cook for me, flush the toilet, etc. I also bought a sound booth to sit inside all day while trying to distract myself from the immense torture. Constantly changing and worsening tinnitus and hyperacusis is a beast that, fortunately, not many have to deal with. Having fellow sufferers gaslight severe sufferers like me was heartbreaking, and I was in such a pit of anger and hate that I shit down any positivity coming my way. I still don't think toxic positivity is a good thing, especially for people as bad as I was, though. Also, I would like to mention - near the beginning of my worsening, I briefly would experience stabbing pain in my ears. Also, I would feel deep burning pain in my ears, and occasional fullness. This did not last for long, and I wouldn't say that I had truly experience noxacusis. It went away rather quickly. The horrendous loudness hyperacusis remained, though.
2022, the Worst Year of My Life
I honestly do not have much to say about this year. The first part, especially, was horrendous. Sitting/lying in my earmuffs in my sound booth all day, every day, only opening it to pour water down my throat without swallowing and swallowing as softly as possible overcooked, soft porridge while reading research papers about tinnitus, while jumping at every sound my neighbors made pretty much sums up the entire first part of this year.
In February, my family forcefully had me commited to a psych ward. When this happened, I was assaulted by way more loud noise than I could handle. A strange thing happened, though. My hyperacusis briefly improved to the point when I could talk again and have conversations with people. I do not know why this happened, and I cannot explain it. I do not recommend anyone to expose themselves to loud noise. I started worsening again soon after this.
Closer to the summer, my father eventually decided to help me, and purchased an apartment in a very quiet part of the city. I could finally stay in relative silence without wearing my ear muffs. And this is when my stabilization started.
Stability
After 3-4 months of eating delivered food and sitting all day in my quiet apartment, I started noticing that some noises didn't permanently spike me anymore. I could do more things without hearing protection, like touching paper bags, opening containers, etc. I still couldn't talk very much, but I decided to start pushing myself a little bit. I would try something, worsen, retreat to total silence, try again, etc. I do not know if this was the reason for my improved stability, maybe it was a coincidence. Again, I don't recommend anyone to leave their comfort zone if they can help it. I would do something like go outside at night without hearing protection, try cooking, worsen, repeat. The worsenings started slowing down, my tinnitus and hyperacusis were more stable, and by the middle of the summer I could do things like leave the house, go to the supermarket in my earmuffs, and have small get-togethers with my friends.
By the end of the summer, I could ride in taxis in double protection without worsening too much, and I went to a resort with my friends, where I sang, played the guitar, etc. I worsened pretty badly after this, but I managed to stabilize.
My Time Back Home in the US, Leading Up to Now
I had to move away from Russia for obvious reasons, and under benzos the flight didn't worsen me too much. The next 8-9 months were cycles of me worsening, stabilizing, worsening less and less. I lived with my grandfather in an absolutely silent house in the mountains.
Now, I can travel anywhere I want, by plane, train, cars. I can walk comfortably next to freeways with earplugs. I wear earmuffs only for long car rides, and flights (I can handle then only in ear plugs, and even with no protection, but I prefer not to. Better safe than sorry).
I have traveled to 3 different countries these past few months, and I plan on travelling to many more this summer. I haven't spiked once during my trips, and I can do things like visit bars with hearing protection and go to music festivals, standing all the way in the back with double protection. My improved stability has given my life back to me.
If you have any questions, feel free to comment. I wrote this whole story from my phone, so I may have missed some details.
P. S. I'm not sure if my tinnitus has started decreasing, or if it is insane habituation, but I cannot hear it outside anymore.
It Begins
July 12, 2021. I remember this day as it were yesterday. I was on a leisure trip around the US, visiting as many friends as possible. Throughout my entire life, I always had mild tinnitus (quiet room, single tone), most likely from very serious ear infections I had in my childhood. I always thought some noises were "too loud", whch brings me to believe that I also had a mild form of loudness hyperacusis. On my trip, however, I spent a large amount of time listening to music way too loud in earbuds. And on that day, the 12th of July, I had my first "appearance" of serious tinnitus and hyperacusis. Of course, I went through the whole shabam - going to doctors, no help from them of course, insane anxiety, etc. I would not have called myself very severe at that time, because I could still take showers and walk around the city in ear plugs, but for me my life was over - constant, intrusive (at that time) tinnitus, sleep issues, etc. Over time I came to accept my situation, and life kept going, albeit at a much less active degree (no concerts, no bars, etc).
My Worsening
September 24, 2021. My birthday. A couple days ago, I had a haircut with clippers used very close to my ears. It sent my tinnitus and hyperacusis into overdrive. Over the course of the next few weeks I was worsening daily. I could not do anything, I couldn't wash he dishes, I couldn't go outside without double protection, etc. This spike is what sent everything into overdrive. From this day forth, I was worsening every day, and my tinnitus was getting more and more tones, by the day, by the hour. After 2-3 weeks, my hyperacusis got so bad that I had to start wearing hearing protection 24/7, and my tinnitus tones changed on a minute-to-minute basis. Every single noise was too loud, Lego falling in the floor sounded like bombs, swallowing water would spike me permanently. I couldn't eat food without spiking, I couldn't drink. My life became so limited and full of constant torture, that all I thought about was death. I didn't want to exist anymore, all I wanted to do was sleep to get relief from the suffering in my dreams.
Over the course of the next few months, the worsening continued. My sound tolerance kept falling. My girlfriend broke up with me, my family ostracized me (they did come around, though, thanks to the help of some amazing forum members getting in contact with them - thank you). I was completely alone, in real life at least. The only support I had was from fellow sufferers, and these wonderful people - I thank from the bottom of my heart.
All I did, all day, every day, was research tinnitus and hyperacusis, talk about tinnitus with my peers. I barely ate anything, and eventually I took a loan to hire a friend/caretaker to cook for me, flush the toilet, etc. I also bought a sound booth to sit inside all day while trying to distract myself from the immense torture. Constantly changing and worsening tinnitus and hyperacusis is a beast that, fortunately, not many have to deal with. Having fellow sufferers gaslight severe sufferers like me was heartbreaking, and I was in such a pit of anger and hate that I shit down any positivity coming my way. I still don't think toxic positivity is a good thing, especially for people as bad as I was, though. Also, I would like to mention - near the beginning of my worsening, I briefly would experience stabbing pain in my ears. Also, I would feel deep burning pain in my ears, and occasional fullness. This did not last for long, and I wouldn't say that I had truly experience noxacusis. It went away rather quickly. The horrendous loudness hyperacusis remained, though.
2022, the Worst Year of My Life
I honestly do not have much to say about this year. The first part, especially, was horrendous. Sitting/lying in my earmuffs in my sound booth all day, every day, only opening it to pour water down my throat without swallowing and swallowing as softly as possible overcooked, soft porridge while reading research papers about tinnitus, while jumping at every sound my neighbors made pretty much sums up the entire first part of this year.
In February, my family forcefully had me commited to a psych ward. When this happened, I was assaulted by way more loud noise than I could handle. A strange thing happened, though. My hyperacusis briefly improved to the point when I could talk again and have conversations with people. I do not know why this happened, and I cannot explain it. I do not recommend anyone to expose themselves to loud noise. I started worsening again soon after this.
Closer to the summer, my father eventually decided to help me, and purchased an apartment in a very quiet part of the city. I could finally stay in relative silence without wearing my ear muffs. And this is when my stabilization started.
Stability
After 3-4 months of eating delivered food and sitting all day in my quiet apartment, I started noticing that some noises didn't permanently spike me anymore. I could do more things without hearing protection, like touching paper bags, opening containers, etc. I still couldn't talk very much, but I decided to start pushing myself a little bit. I would try something, worsen, retreat to total silence, try again, etc. I do not know if this was the reason for my improved stability, maybe it was a coincidence. Again, I don't recommend anyone to leave their comfort zone if they can help it. I would do something like go outside at night without hearing protection, try cooking, worsen, repeat. The worsenings started slowing down, my tinnitus and hyperacusis were more stable, and by the middle of the summer I could do things like leave the house, go to the supermarket in my earmuffs, and have small get-togethers with my friends.
By the end of the summer, I could ride in taxis in double protection without worsening too much, and I went to a resort with my friends, where I sang, played the guitar, etc. I worsened pretty badly after this, but I managed to stabilize.
My Time Back Home in the US, Leading Up to Now
I had to move away from Russia for obvious reasons, and under benzos the flight didn't worsen me too much. The next 8-9 months were cycles of me worsening, stabilizing, worsening less and less. I lived with my grandfather in an absolutely silent house in the mountains.
Now, I can travel anywhere I want, by plane, train, cars. I can walk comfortably next to freeways with earplugs. I wear earmuffs only for long car rides, and flights (I can handle then only in ear plugs, and even with no protection, but I prefer not to. Better safe than sorry).
I have traveled to 3 different countries these past few months, and I plan on travelling to many more this summer. I haven't spiked once during my trips, and I can do things like visit bars with hearing protection and go to music festivals, standing all the way in the back with double protection. My improved stability has given my life back to me.
If you have any questions, feel free to comment. I wrote this whole story from my phone, so I may have missed some details.
P. S. I'm not sure if my tinnitus has started decreasing, or if it is insane habituation, but I cannot hear it outside anymore.
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