Let me start by saying that I have what I consider to be severe tinnitus. Intense high-pitched ringing in both ears, sometimes pulsatile in the left, 24/7. When I developed tinnitus last July as a result of a heavy toilet seat falling onto the bowl in a closet-sized bathroom, it wasn't this bad, but it quickly turned into a vicious cycle of fear, obsessive behavior, and overprotection.
I went on leave from work, tried to eliminate even moderate sounds from my life, and eventually stopped going out of the house except for doctor's appointments. Trying to exhibit that much control over the uncontrollable was emotionally exhausting. Several people, including my psychiatrist and therapist, recommended antidepressants, but I was resistant. I thought I could handle it on my own, but that wasn't working. Anxiety and OCD took over, and my life was unmanageable. It took some time, but finally deciding to start Zoloft changed my life. This is not to say that my tinnitus is less severe, because it isn't. It's actually worse than when I started the medication, but I'm better. I stopped fixating on it, and stopped trying to control every little sound.
Eliminating the hearing protection was more difficult. Whenever I stepped out of the house, I was wearing Peltor X5A's, which wasn't doing me any favors, and my hearing became hypersensitive. I was still fearful that I would cause more damage to my ears. However, in January, after waiting 4 months for my appointment, I finally saw an otologist (ear specialist), and I was able to ask him all the questions that were holding me back. Afterward, I was more hopeful for the future, but I knew that, for me, improvement would only come when I weaned myself off of the hearing protection.
3 weeks ago, I started to face this task head-on, doing things and hearing sounds that I had avoided for months, like doing dishes, taking a shower, and getting a haircut, all without any hearing protection. I turned the TV up, and turned off the closed captioning. The more I did, the more confident I became, and the better I felt.
I also downgraded to my Peltor X4A's when out shopping at department and grocery stores, then went down even further to my X1A's. I was making progress and was starting to feel alive again. 5 days ago, though, something happened which changed everything.
This past Tuesday, I was accidentally exposed to a loud sound in my kitchen, probably the loudest sound I had heard in months. I'd estimate that it was between 95 and 100 decibels. At first, I was startled and my heart started racing. After that, though, I got angry. I thought, "Why am I so worried about hearing loud noises outside, when the worst sounds I've heard have been in my own house?!" In the past, I would have fixated on the event, sinking into a pit of regret. I would have started protecting my ears even more, which would make the next loud sound I heard even more distressing. I decided right then, "No more."
About 30 minutes later, I left the house without hearing protection, and I haven't put them on since. That day, I was out for hours, at Walmart, Target, the pharmacy, and the supermarket, and I hadn't felt that good in 8 months. I couldn't hear my tinnitus, because I was living my life. I refused to let it call the shots anymore, and every day since then has been even better.
Don't get me wrong, though, my tinnitus is not better. It's still relentless, but I simply don't care, and I don't know how long it would have taken for me to get to this point without the Zoloft, which, in turn, allowed me to stop overprotecting my ears. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it worked for me, and if I can give even just 1 person hope by telling my story, then it's worth it.
Tinnitus is the hardest thing I've had to face in my life, but, finally, I'm starting to see the light.
I went on leave from work, tried to eliminate even moderate sounds from my life, and eventually stopped going out of the house except for doctor's appointments. Trying to exhibit that much control over the uncontrollable was emotionally exhausting. Several people, including my psychiatrist and therapist, recommended antidepressants, but I was resistant. I thought I could handle it on my own, but that wasn't working. Anxiety and OCD took over, and my life was unmanageable. It took some time, but finally deciding to start Zoloft changed my life. This is not to say that my tinnitus is less severe, because it isn't. It's actually worse than when I started the medication, but I'm better. I stopped fixating on it, and stopped trying to control every little sound.
Eliminating the hearing protection was more difficult. Whenever I stepped out of the house, I was wearing Peltor X5A's, which wasn't doing me any favors, and my hearing became hypersensitive. I was still fearful that I would cause more damage to my ears. However, in January, after waiting 4 months for my appointment, I finally saw an otologist (ear specialist), and I was able to ask him all the questions that were holding me back. Afterward, I was more hopeful for the future, but I knew that, for me, improvement would only come when I weaned myself off of the hearing protection.
3 weeks ago, I started to face this task head-on, doing things and hearing sounds that I had avoided for months, like doing dishes, taking a shower, and getting a haircut, all without any hearing protection. I turned the TV up, and turned off the closed captioning. The more I did, the more confident I became, and the better I felt.
I also downgraded to my Peltor X4A's when out shopping at department and grocery stores, then went down even further to my X1A's. I was making progress and was starting to feel alive again. 5 days ago, though, something happened which changed everything.
This past Tuesday, I was accidentally exposed to a loud sound in my kitchen, probably the loudest sound I had heard in months. I'd estimate that it was between 95 and 100 decibels. At first, I was startled and my heart started racing. After that, though, I got angry. I thought, "Why am I so worried about hearing loud noises outside, when the worst sounds I've heard have been in my own house?!" In the past, I would have fixated on the event, sinking into a pit of regret. I would have started protecting my ears even more, which would make the next loud sound I heard even more distressing. I decided right then, "No more."
About 30 minutes later, I left the house without hearing protection, and I haven't put them on since. That day, I was out for hours, at Walmart, Target, the pharmacy, and the supermarket, and I hadn't felt that good in 8 months. I couldn't hear my tinnitus, because I was living my life. I refused to let it call the shots anymore, and every day since then has been even better.
Don't get me wrong, though, my tinnitus is not better. It's still relentless, but I simply don't care, and I don't know how long it would have taken for me to get to this point without the Zoloft, which, in turn, allowed me to stop overprotecting my ears. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it worked for me, and if I can give even just 1 person hope by telling my story, then it's worth it.
Tinnitus is the hardest thing I've had to face in my life, but, finally, I'm starting to see the light.
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