My Girlfriend Said "It's Not Cancer, You're Acting Like a Child" and Broke Up with Me

[Zug]

My girlfriend was very supportive in the begging, when I thought this would go away in a month. Since a couple of weeks ago I noticed she changed her stance. She started saying it couldn't be that bad, That I should go to the hospital and take a look at people who are really suffering, that people go through cancer everyday and I should be ashamed of making a big deal of just a noise in my head.

I still got some hyperacusis, she actually clapped her hands, like: Stop being a child, it's only clapping. She acted like I was a child making a fuss about this, should stop complaining and "be a man". In the end, she told me she wanted a real man by her side, not some child like me.

I got T for 4 months now, I have been trying the "back to silence" method in the success stories, but at night it's hard to keep my poker face. I was really feeling a little better, but yesterday I had to use Benzo (clonazepam) to sleep. I don't want to keep it, but I went crazy yesterday and don't wan't to let anxiety/ bad feeling creep in.

Sorry for the rant. Tinnitus doesn't give us scares to show, exams to "prove" what we hear. You guys from all people could understand what I'm talking about.

I left feeling like s#it.

 

[Mad maggot]

sorry. That's a very disheartening way to be treated when you are really suffering. Sadly some people are not capable of understanding. You cannot help her. Perhaps one day she might learn. I feel bad for you that this has happened.

 

[valeri]

The fact is unless you have cancer nobody gives rats, no other disease is as sexy as cancer.
People suffering from horrible things, us included, but all you hear is how bad cancer is.
I may get killed now but I wish I got cancer 4 years ago, today I would be either cured or someplace pushing the daisies
Now, the point is that even within tinnitus community opinions are heavily devided, those having mild t don't understand others whose lives have been literally distroyed by t.
So if we don't have much compassion and understanding for another fellow soul who could be going through hell, what do you expect from a person who doesn't have it at all.
Better get used to this sort of feedback from others in general.

 

[Telis]

I hope she gets T and H. No offense but she's an ignorant idiot, you are lucky she left you.

 

[Sailboardman]

Ditto Telis! What goes around comes around. Like many say, if you've never experienced T, you are clueless to know, what real suffering is.

 

[PaulBe]

I hope she gets T and H. No offense but she's an ignorant idiot, you are lucky she left you.

Thirds. Obviously a level of frustration there too. Intolerant until something similar happens to her, then I bet she expects the planet to rally 'round.

 

[Cheza]

I wouldn't wish tinnitus on my worst enemy. That being said, I know you may not feel this way now, but in the future you will thank your lucky stars that this selfish and noncompassionate person is out of your life.

Nothing worse than someone belittling you for what you feel. Good riddance to her. Go find someone who knows what love really is.

 

[derpytia]

It sounds like she is an absolutely un-empathetic and rather disgusting human being. Seriously, who claps like that when they know it hurts someone regardless of whether they understand why? Horrible people like her I guess. Sounds like she needs a reality check and a reminder that the world doesn't revolve around her wants and needs. In my experience though, people like that get what is coming to them.

I wish you the best. Go find someone who will love you and, above all, respect you.

 

[amandine]

In my experience though, people like that get what is coming to them.

That is the point though. Nasty people do NOT get what they deserve. All around we can see that this does not happen. The decent people seem to suffer and the bad go on to have great happy lives usually living off the rewards that they have taken from those who fell by the roadside.

 

[glynis]

Hi Zug,
Sorry to hear your girlfriend did not understand about tinnitus and was not very nice to you and have split up ....we are all here for you....lots of love glynis

 

[Beowulf Agat]

Really sorry to hear. I've met people who have been totally ignorant on the issues of T. I would talk to them about living with tinnitus and they smile and nod and seem interested, I even offered them earplugs to wear when clubbing etc... Never once have I seen these people protecting their hearing, it is as if they don't care. And sometimes I can't help but feeling an injustice that so many good people has gotten T as opose to how many "bad", ignorant people not getting it...
Isn't it true about many "diseases" that doesn't show on the outside that at first people are very supporting and understanding, but as time goes by they seem to forget that you are ill, simply because it doesn't show...
Hang in there @Zug, I wish you all the best.

 

[Zug]

Thanks guys, I never felt so low. It was really humiliating being talked that way by someone that used to be so close. At 35 y/o, I picked up some stuff and went to sleep in my parents house. I'm a writer, I have a lot of difficulty going back to work, listening that I should just "get on with it" was totally unfair and broke my heart in different ways. After talking to me like that, she just grabbed her stuff and left.

 

[glynis]

Hi Zug,
She might be feeling awful how she spoke to you and who knows you both might talk things through but if not try remember your a lovely person and we are here for you.
Nice to here you slept at your folks house and bet they are great support too...take care lots of love glynis

 

[amandine]

At 35 y/o, I picked up some stuff and went to sleep in my parents house

What would you do if you didn't have parents / family to go to or they were thousands of miles or kms away?

 

[Champ]

It sounds like she is an absolutely un-empathetic and rather disgusting human being. Seriously, who claps like that when they know it hurts someone regardless of whether they understand why? Horrible people like her I guess. Sounds like she needs a reality check and a reminder that the world doesn't revolve around her wants and needs. In my experience though, people like that get what is coming to them.

I wish you the best. Go find someone who will love you and, above all, respect you.

My sister (an adult woman) screamed at me several times when she was already riled up because I asked her to be a little quieter because the noise level was affecting me. Some people really don't give a shit about how their actions affect others.

 

[linearb]

Thanks guys, I never felt so low. It was really humiliating being talked that way by someone that used to be so close. At 35 y/o, I picked up some stuff and went to sleep in my parents house.

Hey man,

don't feel bad about this. I did the same thing several times in my early 30s over the past few years when this shit and benzo w/d was driving me up the wall. Just be thankful that you have awesome parents that make you feel safer/protected, lots of people do not have that relationship!

As for your gf -- I'm sorry this happened. But, chronic illness is a super bummer, and lots of people just are not up to having a romantic relationship with someone who has a chronic problem. You may have dodged a bullet here, in that if it wasn't going to work, it's a lot better that you find this out now than X months/years down the line when you have that much more invested in it.

There are many, many other women out there...

 

[Barbara777]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Zug. You may be hurting now, but this shows you the type of person she is. You are better off without her. You will find somebody who has a heart.

 

[linearb]

This totally sucks for Zug, but I think we should be a little slower to rush to judgement. The unfortunate reality is that we have a chronic illness, and many people, especially younger people, simply do not want to deal with that and all the stress it entails in their lives.

In general, the divorce rate in the US is around 50% -- in couples where one person is chronically ill, it's more like 75%. Put differently, a full 50% of people who might otherwise remain happily married end up getting divorced as a result of chronic illness.

This doesn't mean that 1 out of 2 people is an asshole who has no empathy; it just means that marriage and relationships in general are hard and take a lot of work, and when the level of effort involved is escalated dramatically because of an unfixable problem that only one person has, something like half the population just decides that they're better off alone.

 

[Zug]

Thanks everyone. I'm 4 months into this, I wanna habituate, get better, get my life back. I can't believe the damage this thing did in my live in such a short time. Thing is, even that she left that way, didn't respect my problem clapping hands just to show it's not a big deal, etc. That was one day. For the years before I loved her. Still do, I'm desperate to call her, go after her, but I know that I can't.

Now I'm sad and I know it doesn't help me deal with T either.

If anyone told me 5 months ago I would be this low in my life, I wouldn't believe.

 

[glynis]

Zug,
If you think your relationship is worth fighting for then give it a go and find a way with us on here to support her too getting her to understand about tinnitus .
Sending lots of hugs...lots of love glynis

 

[Bran350]

I'm sorry to hear that Zug, I just recently had a spike in my T and caused me to be thrown into a tailspin. People that have never experienced it, have a hard time understanding. I had a family member beep a car horn in my ears 2 days ago and have known I have had tinnitus for years. I was having breakfast with my future brother in law and sister a few days ago. I looked down and said my fork was dirty, then he asked while laughing, "does that kill hair cells too?" It was all I could do not to jump across the table. I'm sorry to hear the things she said to you. Those are the things that can hurt the worst.

 

[derpytia]

That is the point though. Nasty people do NOT get what they deserve. All around we can see that this does not happen. The decent people seem to suffer and the bad go on to have great happy lives usually living off the rewards that they have taken from those who fell by the roadside.

There's more than one way of getting what they deserve. Like I said in my experience (meaning my own), it can happen. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the prime of their life. But sometimes it happens down the road when it matters or when they need other people the most and find out that they have nobody and no where to turn. Sometimes they end up with a wakeup call. Not all the time but I've seen it happen.

 

[PaulBe]

I'm desperate to call her, go after her, but I know that I can't.

Don't. Just don't. She's already declared the way he wants her world to be. I wonder if she'd be so callous toward a sick parent?

 

[Anthony13]

What will be will be, but just maybe she had an indirect fit of pique. I'd personally challenge her about it. If she still acts ignorant after that, then go your different ways by all means.

For people who don't have T to understand what T does to us, is like trying to explain to someone who hasn't had sex, what sex is like. So at least give her the benefit of the doubt.

That said... If any insensitive idiot made light of my T or by any deliberate action, made a loud noise in front of me. I would have the bastard by the throat. But I am I, and you are you................good luck whatever you choose.

I also noticed the words 'Tinnitus' and 'Illness' in the same sentence, in some of the above posts. Although it can make us feel ill at times, I would not say Tinnitus is an illness. It's a symptom of something gone awry somewhere in the control room.

 

[eric peterson]

I got T for 4 months now, I have been trying the "back to silence" method in the success stories, but at night it's hard to keep my poker face. I was really feeling a little better, but yesterday I had to use Benzo (clonazepam) to sleep. I don't want to keep it, but I went crazy yesterday and don't wan't to let anxiety/ bad feeling creep in.

Sorry for the rant. Tinnitus doesn't give us scares to show, exams to "prove" what we hear. You guys from all people could understand what I'm talking about.

I left feeling like s#it.

Don't apologize for the rant. Everyone with intrusive T has really bad times from time to time. Concentrate on your own recovery from this. If this woman isn't a positive force in you getting better, maybe she's not the right person to be in your life right now. You've really got to concentrate on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for taking something to help yourself sleep... many of the people on this site have (myself included). Stick with trying to soften your feelings and emotions toward T. It's all part of the habituation process. It's going to be with most of us for the rest of our lives. I don't know if we can ever really make friends with it, but if we can take even a little of the harsh feelings toward it down a few notches, we can just move on a little better and start getting on living.

Good luck,

Eric

 

[Zug]

Thanks so much guys. This November it would be 9 years we'd be together. I'm trying not to think too much about this because it makes me feel worse. She's a Cancer survivor, told me even during her treatment she wasn't letting herself down like I was. She started with the "it's just a thing, move on" thing, and later decided I was overreacting or something. People who never had this can't imagine what's like to wake up with theses noises in our heads.

Looks pretty definitive, she can't, or won't understand why I was "behaving like this" for the past months. I'm not man enough for her, apparently (easy to say all theses things when you never been on this place).

I was dealing with my T only with ENT's, trying to habituate, I think I'll need professional help, afraid of getting depressive.

 

[Zug]

Just talked to my brother who's a psychiatrist. He says he sees it all the time. People who hear voices are told by family that they don't have anything serious and should stop that. People with depression are told to just get up and move on. A lot of mental patients are abandoned by loved ones.

Guess for a lot of people is just easier to go away

 

[glynis]

Aww zug,
You will get through this in time but will be tough for a while as your emotions will be up and down.
Don't let her comments make you less of a man because the toughest of us need help coming to terms with tinnitus.

The Samaritans are great to talk to and Mind who give you 10 free counselling sessions and you can refer your self .

We are all here four you too always....lots of love glynis

 

[amandine]

Just talked to my brother who's a psychiatrist.

Seems Zug has quite a lot of support around him and close family members to turn to including his brother a psychiatrist. He could perhaps speak with his brother.......

 

[Zug]

Thanks god for that @amandine

@glynis , Thank you so much for your words. I don't know if there is such a service in South America, but I'll look into it.

Thanks everyone. This list is a HUGE support. Tinnitus feels very lonely, knowing that there are people who understand what I'm going thru, having their own problems and moving on with their lives is a huge help.