My Husband Doesn't Understand What I'm Going Through with Tinnitus

[CrystalB]

I have had tinnitus for 11 months.

I have learned better on how to deal with it, I still for sure have hard times with it, especially at nights when trying to sleep.

Anyways, my mom and brother seem to understand what I am going thru, they listen to me when I talk to them about my tinnitus because sometimes you just need a listening ear and it helps so much, because you always need a shoulder to cry on.

My problem is my husband who is supposed to be the one I am so close to, he doesn't understand, he gets mad if I start talking about it, and tells me to stop.

He says I'm making it worse, it's like he has no sympathy at all.

It's so hard to think I can't be comfortable talking about it or crying about it in my own home without worrying he is going to fly off the handle.

I guess I just wanted to vent a little on this subject. I try to have sympathy for people who I have no idea what they are going thru.

 

[Imshael]

Hi @CrystalB, I'm so sorry to hear that, but at least it's good that you have some people you can share with.

I think that tinnitus is hard to grasp for people who hasn't experienced it themselves, and perhaps your husband is having this issue. Perhaps you can find an example of what your tinnitus sounds like and show this to him, explaining that this is what you hear 24/7?

 

[JohnAdams]

People that have never gone through actual torture can never understand, so please understand him for that misunderstanding. In the meantime we can only hold on and wait a perhaps a few years for these upcoming drugs and treatments to give us our lives back.

 

[Wolfears]

I have had tinnitus for 11 months.

I have learned better on how to deal with it, I still for sure have hard times with it, especially at nights when trying to sleep.

Anyways, my mom and brother seem to understand what I am going thru, they listen to me when I talk to them about my tinnitus because sometimes you just need a listening ear and it helps so much, because you always need a shoulder to cry on.

My problem is my husband who is supposed to be the one I am so close to, he doesn't understand, he gets mad if I start talking about it, and tells me to stop.

He says I'm making it worse, it's like he has no sympathy at all.

It's so hard to think I can't be comfortable talking about it or crying about it in my own home without worrying he is going to fly off the handle.

I guess I just wanted to vent a little on this subject. I try to have sympathy for people who I have no idea what they are going thru.

Ask him to imagine someone screaming in his ear 24/7....they won't stop just because he is tired, wants to sleep, watch a movie or read...non-stop screaming.
And then ask him how long he would be able to handle that.

 

[coffee_girl]

Yep they will never understand and this we have to learn to forgive them for. Nothing else to do, they are well meaning in their sentiments but they don't realize they are actually hurting you more than helping

 

[Michael B]

@CrystalB
Unless your tinnitus goes away or lessens to a degree that you no longer need to bring it up, in my opinion you might benefit from dealing with it on a professional level. My wife and I engaged in marital counseling and it was the best thing we could have done for us, individually and collectively.
Consider suggesting that you go yourself and eventually invite him to join. What made things work for us is the fact that we were both motivated and had a really good counselor; not one who took sides but encouraged us to express our feelings and understand how what we say affects the other. It won't take long before you realize what counseling can do to help a relationship.
Mike

 

[CrystalB]

@CrystalB
Unless your tinnitus goes away or lessens to a degree that you no longer need to bring it up, in my opinion you might benefit from dealing with it on a professional level. My wife and I engaged in marital counseling and it was the best thing we could have done for us, individually and collectively.
Consider suggesting that you go yourself and eventually invite him to join. What made things work for us is the fact that we were both motivated and had a really good counselor; not one who took sides but encouraged us to express our feelings and understand how what we say affects the other. It won't take long before you realize what counseling can do to help a relationship.
Mike

thank you for the advice, I have tried not to talk about it hardly at all anymore. Yesterday him and I were setting on the couch and I was actually on this site, someone had a question on here so I was listening to the way there tinnitus was on audio, he over heard it, and asked for me to stop, and why was I listening too it, I told him i was trying to help someone, and then we almost got into a argument over it. I wasn't even trying to confide in him or anything he had just over heard it and acted mad. I guess I just don't understand. I have asked him to go to counseling so that we could understand each other but he refuses to go and says if we need counseling than it's not meant to be. Maybe one day he will go, and realize it will help us understand each other more

 

[glynis]

@CrystalB ,
We did a servey about your significant others and also a talk about it at the Talk Tinnitus Expo in Birmingham on Saturday.

love glynis

It's based on a survey we conducted earlier this year (some of you may have filled it in) about how tinnitus affects various areas of our social lives, and the support (or lack of support) we receive from our significant others.

The key finding was a very strong and statistically significant correlation between the degree to which someone is bothered by their tinnitus and how socially withdrawn they are.

So basically we've gathered some hard data to support what we so far knew only anecdotally: that tinnitus can have far reaching social consequences. We'll try to use this for follow-up awareness raising campaigns.

Any comments or questions welcome!

P.S. I'll join the band as long as Steve is the singer - a little birdy told me he's quite talented in that area

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[Samantha R]

@CrystalB
My husband is the same, albeit somewhat better now (over 2 years down the track).
He would not talk about things with me, he wanted me to just get on with my life and everything go back to normal.
I think men (generally) get frustrated when they can't 'fix' things. He wants you to be OK, of that I'm sure.

You know the strangest thing, my husband has tinnitus. It's probably moderate I'd say.... he'd had it for years and thought it was normal. It wasn't until I got tinnitus that he realised it wasn't....
He didn't tell me this at the start, he told me one day when we were cleaning out a room that was very quiet. He said to me he couldn't stand to be in the room because of the noises he was hearing in his head and he had to get out.
I said - you've got tinnitus too? He said yes, but didn't really think it was severe and thought that mine was much worse. I think it's probably louder than mine though.

Go figure.

 

[Wolfears]

thank you for the advice, I have tried not to talk about it hardly at all anymore. Yesterday him and I were setting on the couch and I was actually on this site, someone had a question on here so I was listening to the way there tinnitus was on audio, he over heard it, and asked for me to stop, and why was I listening too it, I told him i was trying to help someone, and then we almost got into a argument over it. I wasn't even trying to confide in him or anything he had just over heard it and acted mad. I guess I just don't understand. I have asked him to go to counseling so that we could understand each other but he refuses to go and says if we need counseling than it's not meant to be. Maybe one day he will go, and realize it will help us understand each other more

Honestly the more I read about your husband's attitude, the more I think you should cut your losses and ditch this guy.
I don't think he's a good person and you deserve better than this.
Sorry just my opinion.

 

[coffee_girl]

Tinnitus forums are not a great place to ask for marriage advice lol, there is possibly a lot of misunderstanding between people, not to mention we are not hearing the husbands side of the story.

Tell your husband to get on this forum as a member and give him a tour of some of the suicide posts on here. That will sort him out real quick

 

[glynis]

@CrystalB,
We are here to support you and your husband as both need understanding about tinnitus and also the emotional turmoil that tinnitus can bring that can put pressure on any relationship.

Some people don't know how to deal with a partner having trouble and try to turn a blind eye or just think we are moaning .

It would be nice to come on here together but you could also get leaflets from the BTA for him to read also if he is not up for coming on a forum.

I can remember my hubby not being supportive at first and now he's amazing and came to support me at the BTA Talking Tinnitus Expo on Saturday where we were promoting Tinnitus Talk and Tinnitus Hub.

He might be having troubles of his own like stress at work but maybe if you tell him that you are struggling with tinnitus and together need to find out how to cope better as it does effect the person with tinnitus and the partner and family.

I'm so glad you found us and know we are here around the clock to support you emotionally also.

love glynis x

 

[glynis]

Tinnitus forums are not a great place to ask for marriage advice lol, there is possibly a lot of misunderstanding between people, not to mention we are not hearing the husbands side of the story.

Not nice, if he doesn't understand about tinnitus.

love glynis x

 

[Michael B]

thank you for the advice, I have tried not to talk about it hardly at all anymore. Yesterday him and I were setting on the couch and I was actually on this site, someone had a question on here so I was listening to the way there tinnitus was on audio, he over heard it, and asked for me to stop, and why was I listening too it, I told him i was trying to help someone, and then we almost got into a argument over it. I wasn't even trying to confide in him or anything he had just over heard it and acted mad. I guess I just don't understand. I have asked him to go to counseling so that we could understand each other but he refuses to go and says if we need counseling than it's not meant to be. Maybe one day he will go, and realize it will help us understand each other more

I'm lucky in that I have a wife who's very understanding when it comes to tinnitus but that came about partly as a result of counseling. If I'm having a bad (tinnitus) day, I tell her so she knows why I might be quieter or a bit disengaged. That doesn't come easy for me as I tend to keep things to myself but she wants to know. She accepts it and is supportive. You can be the best-suited couple in the world but things happen to people, as tinnitus happened to us.
If your husband refuses to participate in counseling, that's his right, but please consider individual counseling yourself.
Mike

 

[Starthrower]

My problem is my husband who is supposed to be the one I am so close to, he doesn't understand, he gets mad if I start talking about it, and tells me to stop.

He says I'm making it worse, it's like he has no sympathy at all

@CrystalB marriage is so special. Can you tell me three things that you love about him?
You have had tinnitus for about a year now how much does it actually affect your happiness and general well-being?

Sometimes couples have to respect each other's opinions. If he is a great guy in other ways you should talk about it with those that understand like your mom and brother and here on TT.

While my husband was understanding and supportive I began noticing how my misery was affecting him. I decided to change the way I handled my tinnitus around him and it seemed to help me out of that...ditch. It was my compromise.

If he refuses therapy than I agree with @Michael B's reply.

If your husband refuses to participate in counseling, that's his right, but please consider individual counseling yourself.

 

[another sean]

Find a online tone generator and play it at 11khz while he watches TV on the couch so he hears what you hear. Then he may understand it more than before.

 

[Rinz]

I guess it depends on the situation (by the way I'm not referring to your situation as I don't know anything about that).

One personal experience I had is that if someone has a certain problem and becomes dependent on another person for support that could also be felt as very annoying by the other at some point. For example, when I first had T. (about 18 year ago now) I couldn't really sleep without my then gf. That is, I always needed to be around her, have her comfort me, just to get my attention away from the T. I couldn't give her her own time/space anymore. Both our lives started to revolve around the T. I think this put a lot of stress on her, and this might have been the reason that we eventually broke up. It doesn't mean she was a bad person. It's just that she was not a professional caretaker and I simply stressed her off.

Now, with respect to your husband. I am not sure what kind of person he is. I guess you need to think a little bit whether he may feel similar, I mean, that he feels that he always needs to listen and that the balance in the relationship is a little bit shifted from equal to caregiver. I am not saying this is the case, but, it might be good to assess what the situation is.

It's indeed not nice that at the place and with the person you should feel most comfortable, you feel that you cannot vent your feelings concerning your T. anymore. Assuming your husband loves you, it might simply be that he feels pressure from you to always talk about T. or provide comfort. On the other hand, he may simply be an indifferent person (though I guess not) and then its gonna be another story. In any case, good luck!

Take care,

Rinz

 

[CrystalB]

I guess it depends on the situation (by the way I'm not referring to your situation as I don't know anything about that).

One personal experience I had is that if someone has a certain problem and becomes dependent on another person for support that could also be felt as very annoying by the other at some point. For example, when I first had T. (about 18 year ago now) I couldn't really sleep without my then gf. That is, I always needed to be around her, have her comfort me, just to get my attention away from the T. I couldn't give her her own time/space anymore. Both our lives started to revolve around the T. I think this put a lot of stress on her, and this might have been the reason that we eventually broke up. It doesn't mean she was a bad person. It's just that she was not a professional caretaker and I simply stressed her off.

Now, with respect to your husband. I am not sure what kind of person he is. I guess you need to think a little bit whether he may feel similar, I mean, that he feels that he always needs to listen and that the balance in the relationship is a little bit shifted from equal to caregiver. I am not saying this is the case, but, it might be good to assess what the situation is.

It's indeed not nice that at the place and with the person you should feel most comfortable, you feel that you cannot vent your feelings concerning your T. anymore. Assuming your husband loves you, it might simply be that he feels pressure from you to always talk about T. or provide comfort. On the other hand, he may simply be an indifferent person (though I guess not) and then its gonna be another story. In any case, good luck!

Take care,

Rinz

thank you for the advice! Actually when I first got tinnitus I didn't want to put a burden on him, with the fact it was too hard for me to deal with it at first so I went and stayed at my mother's house for a few weeks until I became more adapted to the situation, that way he wouldn't become annoyed of the situation, he seemed to understand and was okay with it.

I came back home after a few weeks and never did talk much about it in front or around him.

He is the type that I have came to realize doesn't like to hear about it period even if he over hears me talking about it in another room. Everyone is different and that's okay

I'm just glad when my tinnitus first started and I was having a difficult time I didn't put him in a bad situation.

 

[CrystalB]

Find a online tone generator and play it at 11khz while he watches TV on the couch so he hears what you hear. Then he may understand it more than before.

That is what started the situation, I never do talk about it much or any at all around him, I was on the couch with him while he was watching TV, I was on this site someone had a question so I was listening to the different types of tinnitus, that's when he told me to stop.

I think he thinks I'm going to make it worse on myself, which is okay If he's trying to protect me from it or something, that's why it's just better to not mention it or anything while I am at home.

 

[Rinz]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for your reply.

You said: "He is the type that I have came to realize doesn't like to hear about it period even if he over hears me talking about it in another room. Everyone is different and that's okay".

Well, if I am honest, I do not think "that's okay". I know have no right to say anything about anyone's marriage or personal situation, but imo. this kind of attitude does not seem to be healthy and conducive to a good marriage. I mean your husband is supposed to be there for you (and you for him) during good as well as bad times, no? Him simply shrugging off your obviously uncomfortable T. situation with "I don't wanna hear about it" and "stop thinking about it" does not display active caring, respectful and loving behavior towards you (again, this is only my opinion). You said you tried not to (overly) confront him with it which of course is your decision, but if you want to learn more about T. listen to samples etc. isn't that your business? If it helps you to look for information and talk with fellow sufferers, why not? I think that if you do not get comfort from him (which you don't seem to be getting), you have the right to look for it elsewhere.

It's interesting that you say: "I think he thinks". So, to me, that means you are unsure about his stance towards it. I am not sure whether you are able to talk about other things, but imo. you are clearly still having issues with the T. (over 150 messages since March this year). So, his "stop talking/thinking about it" approach doesn't seem to be working. Also, aren't there two possible reasons why he said "stop listening to that noise" while he was watching TV? Reason 1: "I do not want my wife to be focused on it to make her feel better", but there is also reason 2: "stop making that bothering noise, 'coz I can't watch my TV program". Only you can assess which one it is. Indeed, as you say, his intentions may be honorable, i.e. for you to you focus less on it and therefore are less bothered by it, but then he could, for example, also make some alternative plans for you to aid in that goal . If I was him, I would recommend doing things together, if you are having difficult times, like like taking a walk, playing a game, cooking, etc together to help you focus less on the T.

In any case, if you are happy with your marriage and he is a good guy otherwise then it's probably okay not to mention this to him too much if he is that bothered by it and look for understanding elsewhere (like your family and this forum).

Take care,

Rinz

 

[Wolfears]

thank you for the advice! Actually when I first got tinnitus I didn't want to put a burden on him, with the fact it was too hard for me to deal with it at first so I went and stayed at my mother's house for a few weeks until I became more adapted to the situation, that way he wouldn't become annoyed of the situation, he seemed to understand and was okay with it.

I came back home after a few weeks and never did talk much about it in front or around him.

He is the type that I have came to realize doesn't like to hear about it period even if he over hears me talking about it in another room. Everyone is different and that's okay

I'm just glad when my tinnitus first started and I was having a difficult time I didn't put him in a bad situation.

I'm sorry, I know this is not really the type of board for relationship talk, but it sounds to me that you are really going out of your way tip-toing around this guy, while you are the one in a bad situation...a very bad one.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

When I'm with someone, I expect them to bend backwards over for me when I'm facing what could possibly be the darkest time in anyone's life...otherwise what is the point of a relationship?

It actually sounds that he's going one step further and turning against you while being controlling at the same time, which is borderline abusive.
When you are not even allowed to talk about something which is greatly bothering you, that is not partnership...it's something else.

I get the sense that you really love this guy and I get that, but if you try to be objective it sounds like you are with someone who doesn't want your suffering to interfere with his TV programming (based on your post below)
I really wish I had the power to give someone a really intrusive Tinnitus for couple of days...your guy would be a prime candidate.

You sound like a very nice, caring person and you deserve so much better...sorry I had to say something.

 

[Jazzer]

@CrystalB - this is appallingly sad.
As Wolfears says - you deserve so much better.
You deserve to be listened to, understood, cared for and loved.
You will always have mine - I promise you. xx

 

[Dawn71]

Just come across this thread. Could have been me writing it Crystal. My husband of nearly 50 years dismisses my t as if it doesn't exist. I get told to just forget about it. He tells me the more I talk about it the worse it will get. How can he possibly know what torment 24/7 t can be. I have had a really bad day and feel so alone. Oh to be married to someone who at least tries to understand!!

 

[Jazzer]

Just come across this thread. Could have been me writing it Crystal. My husband of nearly 50 years dismisses my t as if it doesn't exist. I get told to just forget about it. He tells me the more I talk about it the worse it will get. How can he possibly know what torment 24/7 t can be. I have had a really bad day and feel so alone. Oh to be married to someone who at least tries to understand!!

Dawn - I am truly appalled when I read of relationships like this.
People marry because they share love with each other.
What type of person treats his desperate struggling wife in this way?
You deserve the comfort of a loving caring husband, as you obviously realise.
You need to be able to talk and share your pain when it is bad, and rest inside a loving hug.

Right - here is my biggest {{{{{ HUG }}}}} Dawn.
I'm sending you my thoughts and my love.
(....this man should be ashamed of himself....)

 

[HearsToHope]

My wife didn't understand either, but fortunately she's a pretty open-minded individual. I pulled up a tinnitus @ 4K clip on YouTube, turned up the volume and played it for her. I explained to her "this is what I hear 24/7 even when I try to sleep" and she understood at that point. I also had severe panic attacks at night and didn't sleep for 3 days, eventually landing in the E.R., so there was a very real physical manifestation of the tinnitus she was able to see. After that she's been understanding, and I never "use" my tinnitus as an excuse to avoid chores, work etc. unless there is truly a problem.

Sometimes (not daily) I'll make a comment in passing, like "oh, my ear is doing very well today", or "man, my ear is really yelling at me today".

I hope your situation improves. I can't imagine why your husband would get angry about something that is causing you distress. Possibly he is afraid if he thinks about it, he could get tinnitus too? I don't know.

 

[Jazzer]

When things are bad, noisy, worrying, the very first thing we need is actually 'recognition.'

We need to tell somebody.
We need somebody to at least - 'know.'
Otherwise we are suffering in total isolation.

We need to know that we are loved, even though we have Tinnitus.
We need to be accepted even though our head is noisy, and we may be opperating a bit under par.

When mine is bad, my partner will usually realise, and say to me "are you okay babe?"
I sometimes say "I'm a bit noisy today sweetheart."
Then it's time for a quick 'arms all round hug,' and I am usually okay again.

Admitting that we are in pain does not mean that we will disintegrate into a sobbing wreck, though that may occasionally happen; it usually means that, with a little bit of loving kindness we can be perfectly okay again.

If our pain is recognised and accepted, we feel validated,
We all deserve to be loved, and if anything, loved that little bit more.

Thank goodness on this site we can share our love,

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Jazzer]

A hug works at all ages:

 

[SugarMagnolia]

@CrystalB
I can relate so much. My dh also has no sympathy and gets mad at me. I don't talk to him about it either.

You have my sympathy for sure.

 

[Jazzer]

I'll let you all into a little secret about glynis.

(Sshhh.....she's got some lovely hugs,
and if you want a nice long one, she
doesn't even mind.
I drove 300 miles to get my one....) xx

Er.....this is strictly between you and me,
so don't tell the others....!

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Just come across this thread. Could have been me writing it Crystal. My husband of nearly 50 years dismisses my t as if it doesn't exist. I get told to just forget about it. He tells me the more I talk about it the worse it will get. How can he possibly know what torment 24/7 t can be. I have had a really bad day and feel so alone. Oh to be married to someone who at least tries to understand!!

Hi Dawn. I think we have the same husband.