My Husband Doesn't Understand What I'm Going Through with Tinnitus

[Jazzer]

@CrystalB
I can relate so much. My dh also has no sympathy and gets mad at me. I don't talk to him about it either.

You have my sympathy for sure.

I just don't get it.
If these 'husbands' want you to
feel better, cope better, be better, the answer is in their hands.
They need to give recognition and support.
It's pretty obvious psychology,
not to mention basic humanity.

 

[Jazzer]

Dear ladies - I have the answer.
Just leave this thread up and showing on your computer screens.
We should 'shame them' into showing some love and kindness.
We shouldn't forgive them.
We should 'damn well' educate them !!!

 

[glynis]

I'll let you all into a little secret about glynis.

(Sshhh.....she's got some lovely hugs,
and if you want a nice long one, she
doesn't even mind.
I drove 300 miles to get my one....) xx

Er.....this is strictly between you and me,
so don't tell the others....!

Aww @Jazzer ,
What lovely warm caring hugs you give back too !
Your a lovely person and hope we meet again

love glynis x

 

[JohnAdams]

Dear ladies - I have the answer.
Just leave this thread up and showing on your computer screens.
We should 'shame them' into showing some love and kindness.
We shouldn't forgive them.
We should 'damn well' educate them !!!

I totally disagree with you here. Ordo ab Chao is a joke.

 

[Jazzer]

No idea what that means I'm afraid.....??

 

[JohnAdams]

No idea what that means I'm afraid.....??

You're advocating a forceful in your face approach to something that frankly needs a calm introspective mindset.

 

[Jazzer]

.......er.....'scuse me Mister,
......why not give your misus
a hug when she needs it....?

 

[Jazzer]

I can't help wondering if these callous uncaring husbands are in fact Church-going Christians, who subscribe to:

"Do unto others....."

"Love thy neighbour as thyself....". etc...

We all need 'kindness' for god sake......x

 

[Jazzer]

 

[Jazzer]

For the last few posts I have been recommending some more caring spousal awareness, but nobody much has responded to this.
Is re-education so unlikely....?

 

[Dawn71]

Thanks everyone, its so good to know there are people who care. I do appreciate all your good wishes. My husband neither gives nor asks for any support at all. He is a 'suffer on silence' type of man and expects me to be the same. To be hit with possible menieres at my age, 71, was like a thunderbolt and I really could do with him being just a little understanding but I'm afraid he wont change after all these years. I struggle on like a lot of people on this forum!!

 

[Christophe_85]

Very few people can or want to understand the nightmare that we live with constant Tinnitus and Hyperacousis...

Even family or best friends can act like we emphasize the noise for nothing, like if it was psychological or something...

 

[Christophe_85]

My 2 last relationships they got fed up of me being too sensitive with noise... And this after only 3 months !

 

[coffee_girl]

Dear ladies - I have the answer.
Just leave this thread up and showing on your computer screens.
We should 'shame them' into showing some love and kindness.
We shouldn't forgive them.
We should 'damn well' educate them !!!

Please don't listen to this advice, T forums are not the place to seek marriage counseling lol. You don't know this guy's life or the state of his marriage, but he clearly doesn't understand that scorched earth methods do not work.

You don't shame the ones you love into understanding the complex issues of T. Go to a counselor if you want help with your marriage.

 

[fishbone]

Tinnitus could/can be a lifetime ordeal. If I had a mate and she didn't understand what I was going through. I would try to educate her on it (play a video that explains tinnitus and it's ranges). If after that she is still not on the same page, i'd go to a therapist/counselor and try to talk it out. If things still are not improving, i'd leave the relationship.

This is what I would do. My tinnitus will not go away and I cannot be with someone that will not add value to my life. You can make your own choices. Tinnitus can be quite brutal and for someone to not care about what I go through, makes them not worth my time.....

My golden rule in life: Love yourself first, next help/show compassion to people that need it.

 

[CrystalB]

Please don't listen to this advice, T forums are not the place to seek marriage counseling lol. You don't know this guy's life or the state of his marriage, but he clearly doesn't understand that scorched earth methods do not work.

You don't shame the ones you love into understanding the complex issues of T. Go to a counselor if you want help with your marriage.

We really aren't asking for marriage counseling, we are just wanting some support since we don't have any in the home. I was just explaining why I was on here seeking more support since I have no support in my home. I thought this forum was for that?

 

[GregCA]

Tinnitus could/can be a lifetime ordeal. If I had a mate and she didn't understand what I was going through. I would try to educate her on it (play a video that explains tinnitus and it's ranges). If after that she is still not on the same page, i'd go to a therapist/counselor and try to talk it out. If things still are not improving, i'd leave the relationship.

In my limited experience with showing videos, I noticed that the most effective videos weren't the ones that were trying to replicate the T stimulus. Instead, it was videos that talked about the effects on people that had the most impact, for example, the sad video about Gaby Olthuis.

 

[Jazzer]

We really aren't asking for marriage counseling, we are just wanting some support since we don't have any in the home. I was just explaining why I was on here seeking more support since I have no support in my home. I thought this forum was for that?

I hear you Crystal - and the caring people are here for you.
Inconsiderate partners, who will not listen and will not support you are actually emotional criminals, gambling with your compromised ability to cope with a truly horrible condition.

As you read these posts you will formulate an opinion as to who best relates to your situation, and who reads your problem appropriately.
Take your advice from whence it seems most honest, pertinent and kind.
{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Jazzer]

I thought this forum was for that?

Yes it is the forum for that Crystal.
Don't ever apologise for needing more support.
It is quite crucial that you get through to this guy just what you need.
Presumably he loves you?
He should be showing it and proving it to you.
With love and support you can make it through.
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Champ]

Yep they will never understand and this we have to learn to forgive them for. Nothing else to do, they are well meaning in their sentiments but they don't realize they are actually hurting you more than helping

This is why I hope the next girl I date also has tinnitus (while being good looking like me obv). Then she'd understand why I don't want to go explode my ears at loud events.

 

[Jazzer]

Thanks everyone, its so good to know there are people who care. I do appreciate all your good wishes. My husband neither gives nor asks for any support at all. He is a 'suffer on silence' type of man and expects me to be the same. To be hit with possible menieres at my age, 71, was like a thunderbolt and I really could do with him being just a little understanding but I'm afraid he wont change after all these years. I struggle on like a lot of people on this forum!!

Dawn - I hear you - and I feel so much for you.
These stories really hurt me.
I have severe Tinnitus.
Luckily my lovely wife is both charming, and kind, but not having Tinnitus herself, I have needed to help her understand the implications about various aspects such as noise, and avoidance etc...
I recognise that I am one of the lucky ones in this regard.
I hope you can somehow manage to encourage a better response to your important needs.
Thinking of you Dawn,
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Christophe_85]

Should we stop being in relationships when we have Tinnitus ?

This is a handicap too hard to "share" with normal people... Especially nowadays when every activity is noisy !

 

[Candy]

It took my husband a while to register this wasn't a an over reaction.

A couple of years down the line when am not hysterical and very rational about it, having good and and bad days he gets it. It's part of my life and we have to make changes and adjust, which will be the case until who knows when.

Time and some education (there are lots of tough people including men, brave soldiers who struggle with this) will make your husband realise this is a reality and what a tough cookie you are.

You will be back to living a full life and won't need reassurance and guess what? You did it on your own...and by the way that was a crappy and lonely journey and it didn't need to be.

Please don't feel powerless and feel pressured to stick on a smile. Do it at your own pace. Be kind to yourself.

In the end strength comes from within (at the risk of sounding corny) and people who haven't walked in your shoes can't really add much to your experience , even the well meaning ones, so keep on doing what you're doing and you'll get there.

Hopefully as time goes on he will appreciate this and you'll feel supported again.

 

[Candy]

@Christophe_85 - I clicked on the rainbow "optimist sign" in error as my phone is so small at the moment! Looked like I was being sarcastic about your comment but was a total accident. Taken it off now.

While am on this post, of course you should date! Lots of people on here have very happy relationships and am sure some met people after they acquired tinnitus. There are lots of things you can do with a girl (or boy) other than going to noisy places...

 

[CrystalB]

Should we stop being in relationships when we have Tinnitus ?

This is a handicap too hard to "share" with normal people... Especially nowadays when every activity is noisy !

It makes you feel this way, not a good feeling at all. People doesn't understand or dont care to understand when it comes to disabilities, I have a mother and brother who are both disabled, I am always there for them, you have to understand what the person is going thru and be there for them, now that I have tinnitus, it's a handicap as well, now I know what they have to go thru with when people doesn't want too help you or understand you. You have to make sacrifices to better yourself, if that means to stay away from the people who just doesn't care.

 

[glynis]

@Christophe_85
Everyone has a right to be happy and relationships need understating, love,support,looking out for eachother, health support and mental support to and looking after eachothers wellbeing.

Only one member on here knows what my husband was like with me regarding tinnitus ,
I ended getting support off mental health's crisis team after uncontrollable crying at the doctors as I had no support off him only to say- get use to it ,go to bed if your going keep talking about tinnitus and Meniere's as I don't wan't to hear it and would turn the tv up extra loud.

The times I broke down in tears on the bathroom floor or sat on the sofa crying and never a hug or kiss or support.
By reading this you might think what a nasty man,but you could not be so far wrong when you saw him move into action with severe asthma attacks and blue lips needing to ring 999 and hours and days in hospital,the worried look on his face.
He did not know or understand about tinnitus or Meniere's as was a silent condition not like my life threatening asthma attacks.

He understands everything about tinnitus and Meniere's now and so supportive for many years.
He's so proud of what I do on Tinnitus Talk and Moderator along with the Tinnitus Hub facebook group Moderator.

He came with me to the BTA Talking Tinnitus Expo in Birmingham last Saturday and loved every minute and the lovely people.
@Jazzer met him,@Angeline , @Candy, @Steve and @Hazel .
He was not a bad husband but struggled to understand until he heard me with a Mental Health Crsis team worker who came my home for 6 weeks.
Tinnitus can be a monster and the stress it can have on a family is enormous so get support if you don't get it at home and support for them too!

I have never told you guys this but I think my honest journey will help others.
love glynis x

 

[Jazzer]

@Christophe_85
Everyone has a right to be happy and relationships need understating, love,support,looking out for eachother, health support and mental support to and looking after eachothers wellbeing.

Only one member on here knows what my husband was like with me regarding tinnitus ,
I ended getting support off mental health's crisis team after uncontrollable crying at the doctors as I had no support off him only to say- get use to it ,go to bed if your going keep talking about tinnitus and Meniere's as I don't wan't to hear it and would turn the tv up extra loud.

The times I broke down in tears on the bathroom floor or sat on the sofa crying and never a hug or kiss or support.
By reading this you might think what a nasty man,but you could not be so far wrong when you saw him move into action with severe asthma attacks and blue lips needing to ring 999 and hours and days in hospital,the worried look on his face.
He did not know or understand about tinnitus or Meniere's as was a silent condition not like my life threatening asthma attacks.

He understands everything about tinnitus and Meniere's now and so supportive for many years.
He's so proud of what I do on Tinnitus Talk and Moderator along with the Tinnitus Hub facebook group Moderator.

He came with me to the BTA Talking Tinnitus Expo in Birmingham last Saturday and loved every minute and the lovely people.
@Jazzer met him,@Angeline , @Candy, @Steve and @Hazel .
He was not a bad husband but struggled to understand until he heard me with a Mental Health Crsis team worker who came my home for 6 weeks.
Tinnitus can be a monster and the stress it can have on a family is enormous so get support if you don't get it at home and support for them too!

I have never told you guys this but I think my honest journey will help others.
love glynis x

Dear Glynis - that statement of your early experiences of Tinnitus, without the appropriate love and support, is a vital piece of this jigsaw.
Having met your husband, I truly know that he is a gem, and rightfully proud of you; but as you say, it was crucial that he learnt the importance of loving support.
I am very lucky with my wife Sylvie, who is just the kindest soul, to everybody that she meets.
But there again, I absolutely had to help her to understand more about this hateful condition that we live with.
We have had to talk things through very thoroughly, and still have to return to the subject if misunderstandings creep back in.
But we are the lucky ones.
I desperately hope that these emotionally uninvolved partners, that we have heard about, can find it in their hearts to turn to their spouses with the right attitude of love and support, that can make all the difference to their lives.

I feel very sorry for anybody, and we know of some on this forum, that are fighting this desperate battle alone.

Every person on this earth deserves to be loved, and we must all do all that we can to bring that about.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@CrystalB You might be able try a peer self consciousness experiment with your husband. Maybe have a married girlfriend and her husband come to visit when your husband is home. Beforehand ask your girlfriend to ask her husband to show you compassion and understanding for your condition.

 

[Christophe_85]

@Christophe_85 - I clicked on the rainbow "optimist sign" in error as my phone is so small at the moment! Looked like I was being sarcastic about your comment but was a total accident. Taken it off now.

While am on this post, of course you should date! Lots of people on here have very happy relationships and am sure some met people after they acquired tinnitus. There are lots of things you can do with a girl (or boy) other than going to noisy places...

No worries Candy...

Anyway I didn't want to get all the attention on me, but just post my feelings on what I am living every day since I have my T and H...

I tried 2 relationships and both went bad, both didn't understand or got fed up with this invisible and horrible condition... After only 2 or 3 months...

Actually I am not the kind of guy who can get many dates, I am in a depressed state in which I fight but I stay inside this state of mind... I take medicine for that, but I don't really know if it worked anyway...

 

[Christophe_85]

It makes you feel this way, not a good feeling at all. People doesn't understand or dont care to understand when it comes to disabilities, I have a mother and brother who are both disabled, I am always there for them, you have to understand what the person is going thru and be there for them, now that I have tinnitus, it's a handicap as well, now I know what they have to go thru with when people doesn't want too help you or understand you. You have to make sacrifices to better yourself, if that means to stay away from the people who just doesn't care.

Sorry for posting on your thread, this topic is about you and your relationship !

I really hope you will get through this with your husband ! I am sure you will, as you seem to be a very nice person !