My Husband Doesn't Understand What I'm Going Through with Tinnitus

[Christophe_85]

@Christophe_85
Everyone has a right to be happy and relationships need understating, love,support,looking out for eachother, health support and mental support to and looking after eachothers wellbeing.

Only one member on here knows what my husband was like with me regarding tinnitus ,
I ended getting support off mental health's crisis team after uncontrollable crying at the doctors as I had no support off him only to say- get use to it ,go to bed if your going keep talking about tinnitus and Meniere's as I don't wan't to hear it and would turn the tv up extra loud.

The times I broke down in tears on the bathroom floor or sat on the sofa crying and never a hug or kiss or support.
By reading this you might think what a nasty man,but you could not be so far wrong when you saw him move into action with severe asthma attacks and blue lips needing to ring 999 and hours and days in hospital,the worried look on his face.
He did not know or understand about tinnitus or Meniere's as was a silent condition not like my life threatening asthma attacks.

He understands everything about tinnitus and Meniere's now and so supportive for many years.
He's so proud of what I do on Tinnitus Talk and Moderator along with the Tinnitus Hub facebook group Moderator.

He came with me to the BTA Talking Tinnitus Expo in Birmingham last Saturday and loved every minute and the lovely people.
@Jazzer met him,@Angeline , @Candy, @Steve and @Hazel .
He was not a bad husband but struggled to understand until he heard me with a Mental Health Crsis team worker who came my home for 6 weeks.
Tinnitus can be a monster and the stress it can have on a family is enormous so get support if you don't get it at home and support for them too!

I have never told you guys this but I think my honest journey will help others.
love glynis x

Hello glynis,

Thank you for your kindness, which make me happy to read you every time !

Sorry to discover that you did struggle this much...

But so good that now he is really supportive with you !

 

[CrystalB]

Sorry for posting on your thread, this topic is about you and your relationship !

I really hope you will get through this with your husband ! I am sure you will, as you seem to be a very nice person !

I posted this not only because of my problems but who ever else is going thru hard times as well thank you, appreciate you saying that, you seem like a nice person also.

 

[Jazzer]

Please don't listen to this advice, T forums are not the place to seek marriage counseling lol. You don't know this guy's life or the state of his marriage, but he clearly doesn't understand that scorched earth methods do not work.

To my very dear friends on Tinnitus Talk, I would not normally give such personal aspersions the time of day; however, as the state of my marriage has been raised, I would just like to go on record as saying that I am married to quite the most adorable soul on the face of this earth, and we love each other to bits.
She is my angel.
Doesn't sound too bad, does it?

I sincerely hope that all coffee subscribers are equally happy.

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Jazzer]

To all partners of those lovely people struggling with Tinnitus, which is one of the toughest conditions anybody can face in this life, I would simply like to say this........x

 

[Jazzer]

 

[Mattv]

My wife doesn't understand and I don't expect her to. Nobody can. I played what I hear on our audio system and wouldn't let her turn it off and she freaked out and started screaming at me. I would have done the same thing. I appreciate tough love. Wallowing in self pity and needing validation isn't going to make me feel better, so why bother. I put my energy into positive things. ( the best I can).

 

[Wolfears]

My wife doesn't understand and I don't expect her to. Nobody can. I played what I hear on our audio system and wouldn't let her turn it off and she freaked out and started screaming at me. I would have done the same thing. I appreciate tough love. Wallowing in self pity and needing validation isn't going to make me feel better, so why bother. I put my energy into positive things. ( the best I can).

I think she's got the point about not being able to turn it off...now ask her who do you get to scream at, when you can't turn it off inside your head.

 

[Mattv]

It was definitely educational for her, at least she knows what it's like - at least a little. If the tables were turned, I can't honestly say I would behave differently, so I try not to judge her. The trick was refusing to turn it off, if you really want to make the point.. but you probably will elicit an extremely negative response. Not sure what is gained...

 

[Wolfears]

It was definitely educational for her, at least she knows what it's like - at least a little. If the tables were turned, I can't honestly say I would behave differently, so I try not to judge her. The trick was refusing to turn it off, if you really want to make the point.. but you probably will elicit an extremely negative response. Not sure what is gained...

What is gained is that now she at least has an idea of what you are going through....
In a relationship, where one person has tinnitus and the other does not, this is very important, because at some point your tinnitus will start interfering with her non-tinnitus lifestyle.

I'm basing this on an assumption that your wife cares about what you are going through...because if she does not, then you have diffrent set of problems alltogether and it might be time to re-examine your relationship instead.

 

[Bam]

It was definitely educational for her, at least she knows what it's like - at least a little. If the tables were turned, I can't honestly say I would behave differently, so I try not to judge her. The trick was refusing to turn it off, if you really want to make the point.. but you probably will elicit an extremely negative response. Not sure what is gained...

Nothing is gained. Anyone with an ounce of sense, gets we have a horrid affliction without our attempting to replicate it for them in a totally hollow experiment that doesn't even scratch the surface of what it's actually like to have this shit living in your head and f***ing up your chi.

 

[Bam]

What is gained is that now she at least has an idea of what you are going through....
In a relationship, where one person has tinnitus and the other does not, this is very important, because at some point your tinnitus will start interfering with her non-tinnitus lifestyle.

I'm basing this on an assumption that your wife cares about what you are going through...because if she does not, then you have diffrent set of problems alltogether and it might be time to re-examine your relationship instead.

Agreed in that I based my 'nothing is gained' stance on the same assumption. If someone loves you....they should see your pain and the change in your entire demeanour.

 

[Bam]

I appreciate tough love.

Will you still appreciate that tough love after several years of tough tinnitus to boot? That's the real question.

 

[Twinkle18]

@CrystalB

Is it possible to look for a tinnitus seminar or class in your area? I was able to find one in my area in which my husband and parents were able to attend. This helped me and my family understand the burden tinnitus can cause in our lives. Also gives you and your husband an opportunity to meet people who also struggle or people who made it to the other side. Maybe it would help put things more into perspective for your husband. If you ever need to talk please reach out!

 

[Mattv]

@Bam
Well, I've had other health issues that make tinnitus a walk in the park. Still, I'd much rather not have it, if I had my druthers. My wife is a supportive person in general, but we both acknowledge there is nothing we can do about it, so what is she going to do? In the past, she had driven me to hospital, stayed up all night, bathed me, fed me, held my hand while I was in excruciating pain, and reorganized her live to help me. I'm not going to have her wipe my tears because tinnitus was bothering me.

 

[Bam]

@Bam
Still, I'd much rather not have it, if I had my druthers.

Me neither my friend......Difference being I f***ing despise having this bullshit noise in my headspace and cannot imagine anything worse. But I like your style.

 

[CrystalB]

@CrystalB

Is it possible to look for a tinnitus seminar or class in your area? I was able to find one in my area in which my husband and parents were able to attend. This helped me and my family understand the burden tinnitus can cause in our lives. Also gives you and your husband an opportunity to meet people who also struggle or people who made it to the other side. Maybe it would help put things more into perspective for your husband. If you ever need to talk please reach out!

I'll definitely have to look into that, I know not many people in my area knows anything about this condition, but it's worth looking into, hopefully he'll want to go I know it would help, I've tried to get him to go to counseling before and after I got tinnitus but he sees no reason for it and will not go, but maybe he will understand about going to something like that. Thank you so much the same goes for you as well if you ever need anyone to talk to or to vent to just let me know!

 

[Mattv]

Me neither my friend......Difference being I f***ing despise having this bullshit noise in my headspace and cannot imagine anything worse. But I like your style.

Yeah, clearly everyone deals with it differently. I hope you find some peace.

 

[coffee_girl]

@Bam
Well, I've had other health issues that make tinnitus a walk in the park. Still, I'd much rather not have it, if I had my druthers. My wife is a supportive person in general, but we both acknowledge there is nothing we can do about it, so what is she going to do? In the past, she had driven me to hospital, stayed up all night, bathed me, fed me, held my hand while I was in excruciating pain, and reorganized her live to help me. I'm not going to have her wipe my tears because tinnitus was bothering me.

Your spouse is awesome!

 

[Mattv]

Your spouse is awesome!

I've grown to appreciate her more and more as the years go by. She can be tough, but she shows love through substantive actions and dedication. In the end, that is what helps keep a family strong.

 

[Bam]

Yeah, clearly everyone deals with it differently. I hope you find some peace.

Thanks Matt. I think your stalwart character is very much like my brothers so I recognise it well. He has struggled with severe asthma his entire life which nearly kills him every few years. He's very resilient and tough, a businessman who has 3 kids and a similarly no nonsense wife.

But he has however acknowledged that if he had significant T he has no idea how he would cope as he struggles to sleep when stressed about work or the kids, let alone screaming in his ears that will never end.

He described my getting it as an 'absolute tragedy' and having witnessed my suffering first hand and the permanent grimace on my face, he has placed it in the same league of suffering as his friend who is dying of cancer and suffering significant pain some days.

He has heard a rough approximation of the sound I hear through my Levo device and has accepted that unless it improves over the next year, asking someone you love to be tortured mercilessly without hope of it ending somewhere on the horizon is completely inhumane.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@Bam You need to try to control at least a small bit of your stress. This isn't helping your neck or your T. I hope that you are using a small pillow under your neck at night as well as warm therapy. There are many things that you can do for body and mind. So Ok, forget the mind part for now, but focus on your body. Then your mind and T may surprise you. Your occipital nerves and fibers may be pulsating from stress. That along with any needed posture correction should help. Listen to a gentle stream.

 

[Bam]

@Bam You need to try to control at least a small bit of your stress. This isn't helping your neck or your T. I hope that you are using a small pillow under your neck at night as well as warm therapy. There are many things that you can do for body and mind. So Ok, forget the mind part for now, but focus on your body. Then your mind and T may surprise you. Your occipital nerves and fibers may be pulsating from stress. That along with any needed posture correction should help. Listen to a gentle stream.

Hey Greg. Physically feeling good these days. Have a session a week with chiropractor, massages etc. My whole soundscape at home now is constant rain, cicadas and high pitched searing whistling blasting over the top.

As I'm sure Jazzer would attest I've not let myself go to seed.....Still exercise and walk several hours a day, still do odd jobs..... but my life is nothing like what it was.

I just think if this goes on mate it's not much of a life if you really valued your peace and quiet and you have no direct family. At some point you have to cut your losses. Bitter pill and all that but you can suffer alone with this for a long long time if you're not careful.