I'm not sure if I've already posted here, but I will tell my story here. I like to tell it, because I know it's the kind of story I'd liked to have heard when I was suffering at the start.
In November 17 I went to see Andy C. Great gig. Five hours of drum and bass. Turns out the gig gave me a permanent reminder in the form of high-frequency tinnitus.
First thing I did was search for Tinnitus. Everything online I found was acidic and negative. "There's no cure." "You were an idiot for damaging your hearing". "Man kills himself after getting T from concert" and the forum posts I found. People were angry, and I was frightened. Eventually, I had to ban myself from searching Tinnitus because I knew it would make me feel much worse. (I don't blame people for this; I'm glad to see this thread open, because god knows a beacon of light is needed for new sufferers)
For the first week I thought I was going to off myself. I remember lashing out a lot in my room, breaking down into tears around flatmates, who were really supportive, all that unmanly stuff. I remember trying to do anything to escape the T, dreaming of a day it would go away, fighting it constantly. but something in my mind kept telling me it was permanent.
My sleep pattern went to pot. My grades slipped substantially. I became despondant and severely depressed. By the end of the first two weeks I felt completely mentally exhausted.
So it came to a creshendo in a 24 hour diner. I was going there frequently because the background noise took my mind off the T. I began writing down my thoughts on a note on my phone, and came to two conclusions.
1. If this was temporary, I would learn a lesson in protecting my hearing and feel relieved.
2. If this was permanent, I would habituate. Things would only get better.
From that point on things improved. I slowly stopped minding the fact I would never hear silence; I kept reminding myself that the T was a scapegoat for all my anxieties. (PS: I was going through a breakup at the same time and had deadlines for major courses. Yeah, fun month) I reminded myself what I was in control of, and did my best. Eventually, I was so involved in everything else I didn't have time or care to worry about T. It faded into something that was just 'there'. Now, at night, when it gave me so much grief, I actually find it soothing to listen to; it gives my mind a constant to focus on.
The biggest hurdle to overcome was to stop fighting Tinnitus and accept it as a part of me. Then I began to understand it. I actually personified it at one point. I'd say "Right, you stop bothering me at work and I'll let you go nuts at night, alright?" Sounds stupid, but it felt like I had a bit of control.
I sometimes have mild panic attacks where I think 'It's not normal, I want it gone' but I realise where this ends up so I just don't engage with this thought process anymore.
This year's been difficult. I still don't exactly know if non-sufferers will understand what a rollercoaster this year has been, but it's been interesting. I'm lucky; my T has subsided. But if there's one thing I've learned it's just how hellish Tinnitus can be. So I'll extend all my sympathy to everyone who suffers from it, new or old. If you're new, don't worry. The first month is hard as hell, but you will get through it.
All the best,
AndyCGaveMeT
In November 17 I went to see Andy C. Great gig. Five hours of drum and bass. Turns out the gig gave me a permanent reminder in the form of high-frequency tinnitus.
First thing I did was search for Tinnitus. Everything online I found was acidic and negative. "There's no cure." "You were an idiot for damaging your hearing". "Man kills himself after getting T from concert" and the forum posts I found. People were angry, and I was frightened. Eventually, I had to ban myself from searching Tinnitus because I knew it would make me feel much worse. (I don't blame people for this; I'm glad to see this thread open, because god knows a beacon of light is needed for new sufferers)
For the first week I thought I was going to off myself. I remember lashing out a lot in my room, breaking down into tears around flatmates, who were really supportive, all that unmanly stuff. I remember trying to do anything to escape the T, dreaming of a day it would go away, fighting it constantly. but something in my mind kept telling me it was permanent.
My sleep pattern went to pot. My grades slipped substantially. I became despondant and severely depressed. By the end of the first two weeks I felt completely mentally exhausted.
So it came to a creshendo in a 24 hour diner. I was going there frequently because the background noise took my mind off the T. I began writing down my thoughts on a note on my phone, and came to two conclusions.
1. If this was temporary, I would learn a lesson in protecting my hearing and feel relieved.
2. If this was permanent, I would habituate. Things would only get better.
From that point on things improved. I slowly stopped minding the fact I would never hear silence; I kept reminding myself that the T was a scapegoat for all my anxieties. (PS: I was going through a breakup at the same time and had deadlines for major courses. Yeah, fun month) I reminded myself what I was in control of, and did my best. Eventually, I was so involved in everything else I didn't have time or care to worry about T. It faded into something that was just 'there'. Now, at night, when it gave me so much grief, I actually find it soothing to listen to; it gives my mind a constant to focus on.
The biggest hurdle to overcome was to stop fighting Tinnitus and accept it as a part of me. Then I began to understand it. I actually personified it at one point. I'd say "Right, you stop bothering me at work and I'll let you go nuts at night, alright?" Sounds stupid, but it felt like I had a bit of control.
I sometimes have mild panic attacks where I think 'It's not normal, I want it gone' but I realise where this ends up so I just don't engage with this thought process anymore.
This year's been difficult. I still don't exactly know if non-sufferers will understand what a rollercoaster this year has been, but it's been interesting. I'm lucky; my T has subsided. But if there's one thing I've learned it's just how hellish Tinnitus can be. So I'll extend all my sympathy to everyone who suffers from it, new or old. If you're new, don't worry. The first month is hard as hell, but you will get through it.
All the best,
AndyCGaveMeT
Member
