Need Help: Can't Forgive Myself for Being So Stupid (Failing to Take Steroids)

[MJ Burton]

I had a serious acoustic trauma 6-7 weeks ago which has radically changed my life and even though I went to a clinic and requested steroids... I didn't take them. I was afraid of the drugs (6 day decreasing pack). Now I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis in one ear and can't understand people. I am such an idiot and blew my chance for recovery by hoping it would just get better on its own.

The tinnitus and hyperacusis are very limiting..as well as the hearing loss which I can't imagine can be improved by a hearing aid as my ear is now amplifying all high frequency sound twenty fold. I have been very depressed and forlorn and have been contemplating suicide due to this tremendous loss and the isolation which will ensue (I love to sing w/others..). I have seen zero improvement since day one, yet the one skimpy test I did showed no real difference in hearing between the ears...yet both quite affected by time loss. Now I just go to work..rush home and sit alone avoiding any social contact as I can't hear and everything so loud on that side.

I want to end thingsand am so angry at myself for being SO stupid and not taking the steroids. What an idiot.

Question. How do I get past emotionally that my fear/procrastination/avoidance and enshrined DENIAL had cost me my everything, my fun/enjoyment/social life/music and even potentially my life. How can I learn to live in a life that is all alone.

Why am I such an idiot even though I have spent years protecting my hearing?! Really disgusted w/myself and feel I can't just forgive myself as the consequences of my own inaction were so grave. I don't blame myself for the incident.

The occlusion and acoustic trauma were not my fault mostly...but I hate myself for not taking the steroids. And that avoidant/procrastinating decision seems to have sealed my fate..in this world of one...4--ever.

 

[Wolfears]

If it makes you feel any better, there is no guarantee that the steroids would work anyway even if you did take them.

 

[another sean]

You will most likely habituate to it and it won't bothered nearly as much. But it takes a few months. It's literally a physiological change that occurs in your brain. It's not some BS term that gets tossed around. You will feel better and your mind wont have such negative response, like getting frustrated or upset, at the sound. So just hang in there and give you brain time to adjust. It will get better. Read the Success Stories forum. Most of them are not full of cures, but people sharing their stories of how it gets better for most.

And also dont forget it may actually fade. You are still in early days. Up 6 months is very possible for it to fade. But be sure to protect your hearing during that time.

So take a deep breath, and remind yourself daily you have two good things that can happen. Either it will fade or you will habituate. Either way you will feel better. OK? Just keep dem ears safe

 

[EarHair]

A lot of people that suffer a single event acoustic trauma recover a lot but it can take 2 years. Just live a healthy life and hopefully you body will heal. A lot of people like you have no improvement for months and then lots of improvement from 6 months to 2 years. For some reason ears, nerves, and brain take a long time to heal. Take it one day at a time and protect yourself. Ear plugs in pocket at all times going out.

 

[GregCA]

I want to end thingsand am so angry at myself for being SO stupid and not taking the steroids. What an idiot.

Well, take a step back and realize that steroid treatments are not confirmed to be an effective treatment at all. They're a shot in the dark. Yes it's probably better to take that shot in the dark, but don't think that if you'd taken it you'd be in a better position for sure. You could instead have suffered from steroid side effects and be worse off. Or, quite commonly, have no difference at all.

What I'm saying is that your mind thinks you made a mistake that took away a sure recovery, and that's far from the truth.

 

[MJ Burton]

Thanks everyone. It took me weeks of hating myself over this to lay that out here. I was so angry with myself due to the devastating consequences I'm now in (loss of job..loss of enjoyment, loss of singing, etc). I just kept hoping it would simply go away..and was in so much resistant denial, that I couldn't face it directly and prioritize. Also my all consuming job and schedule provided a means to avoid all together. Now I'll likely lose it all.

 

[Jason37]

You lost your job?

 

[billie48]

Question. How do I get past emotionally that my fear/procrastination/avoidance and enshrined DENIAL had cost me my everything, my fun/enjoyment/social life/music and even potentially my life. How can I learn to live in a life that is all alone.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear your suffering with T. Regarding the steroids I am with others that it may not have helped. It is recommended to try this treatment but it is not a magic pill against T. So don't blame yourself too much for skippng it. Your struggle with the spiking T and the resultant hyperacusis (H) reminds me of my struggle some years back. I was in a mess, depressed, anxious and suicidal like you. My ultra high pitched T plus servere H caused me to question, like you are asking, how to live with such lonely life ahead. So I have true empathy for what you are going through. I understand your fear. I was so much in despair at one point that I thought I would never see good life again.

But never say never. Today I live a normal, happy, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. In 10 days I will be visiting Disney World with the family and cruising the Bahamas. I enjoy my life to the fullness. Mr T has lost its tyranny over me and my life. I never in the slightest would think this kind of life would return when I was in total darkness back then. But today I am a living example that you can beat this T tyrant. I wrote my success story and share some helpful strategies. For brevity to explain the strategies here, I list the link below. Don't panic nor despair. Good life can be back. Take good care. God bless your recovery.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/