Hello all! I am a doctoral student and I have had tinnitus in my right ear for a few years now.
It horrifies me sometimes, and often makes me want to die when I consider my future. But most of all, it annoys me because I don't understand it. I don't know why I perceive it, and there are so many candidates for explanations.
1. I have autistic tendencies, and for a while one of my coping mechanisms was to listen to media on earbuds to drown out the world. (But then, why is it only my right ear? My earbuds sometimes were broken in one ear, is that why? But then why do I have no measurable hearing loss?)
2. I have always had problems with balance and co-ordination, so it's possible that there was always something wrong with my inner ears. (But then, why did I only notice it a few years ago? Maybe I always had it, and I've been obsessively focusing on it because of the stress of my recent life?)
3. I have been on various medications for depression and anxiety for years, and was suffering withdrawal symptoms from coming off one of them when I first started to notice it.
I can see that I will eventually habituate. But will I ever come to terms with why I have it?
You might say, "why does it matter why you have it?" And that makes a lot of sense, but the problem is that I don't make a lot of sense.
I have always been too hard on myself and been sort of masochistic, and part of me wants (1.) to be true so that I can finally say that I ruined my own life. My psychological problems are definitely more of a problem than my actual T.
I hope I can come to some sort of peace here.
Thank you if you read this all the way through!
It horrifies me sometimes, and often makes me want to die when I consider my future. But most of all, it annoys me because I don't understand it. I don't know why I perceive it, and there are so many candidates for explanations.
1. I have autistic tendencies, and for a while one of my coping mechanisms was to listen to media on earbuds to drown out the world. (But then, why is it only my right ear? My earbuds sometimes were broken in one ear, is that why? But then why do I have no measurable hearing loss?)
2. I have always had problems with balance and co-ordination, so it's possible that there was always something wrong with my inner ears. (But then, why did I only notice it a few years ago? Maybe I always had it, and I've been obsessively focusing on it because of the stress of my recent life?)
3. I have been on various medications for depression and anxiety for years, and was suffering withdrawal symptoms from coming off one of them when I first started to notice it.
I can see that I will eventually habituate. But will I ever come to terms with why I have it?
You might say, "why does it matter why you have it?" And that makes a lot of sense, but the problem is that I don't make a lot of sense.

I hope I can come to some sort of peace here.
Thank you if you read this all the way through!