I've waited three months to register on this site. It's like joining a club that no one wants to be part of.
I got my tinnitus on 11/24/2017. My band played what ended up being our first and only show. The drummer was maybe five feet to my left and we played a half hour set or so. I didn't use earplugs because I forgot or was just too stupid or whatever. I had had three drinks so my natural defenses were probably compromised as well. Plus, I turned my amp up way too loud because in practices my guitar had been getting drowned out. I remember tensing the muscles in my ear as I was singing to block the sound of the cymbals. Though I've played music for over thirty years and writing music was my fondest passion, I don't have a history of playing in bands oddly enough, so don't get the impression I had been abusing my ears for years. This was maybe me as an adult doing something I had wanted to do as a kid. So, yeah, first and last show.
I could discuss a million different things that I've gone through...been to lots of doctors, even the Tinnitus Clinic at Mass General Hospital. All the answers are heartbreaking and boil down to some version of "turn on a fan at night". Then for a while I was hell bent on supplements and drinking absurd amounts of water, trying to feel proactive. Now I'm just in the darkest place I've ever been and maybe that's what I want to talk about.
I had felt like I was getting better for a bit. The tone had become a hiss and I'd have moments of silence. And in the morning I'd have a bit of a reprieve and things would gradually dial up throughout the day. Somehow, in the past week or so I feel I've taken a step back and there's no physical reason for it as far as I can tell. The hiss, has gotten louder, higher in pitch and seems more tonal. The only silver lining currently is that month to month, it has gotten better overall.
The psychological toll is beyond devastating. I've lost everything that made me me. I've accepted that I will never play nor listen to music again, and while heartbreaking, fine. I was also about to get my private pilot's certificate. As in, I had completed all my flights, solo cross countries, etc. and was about ready to take my checkride. That's over with. It's not even necessarily the noise from the planes, but more of the fact that I can't get a decent night's sleep and am not safe to fly. Again, fine, so be it. The only thing I want now is silence. I wake up constantly and as soon as I do, I hear it, whether it's a hiss or running water through pipes or cicadas. It's drained every last ounce of energy from me and I'm running on fumes.
Perhaps my biggest fear at the moment is that I'll lose my girlfriend, whom I love. Quite frankly, who wants to be around a miserable fuck and even though I put on a happy face the best I can when we're together, it's impossible to hide how broken I am. And my girlfriend even expressed to me at one point her skepticism about how she thought my attitude was making it worse. So, I don't want to discuss my misery anymore. It's just rough because we both used to have such a diverse set of interests and at night we'd talk about what we did and we'd share our goals and now it's a one-sided conversation and I'm just this dying man trying to pretend I'm not.
My life now is simply going to work and trying to maintain my job, which I hate. I work in finanicial services.
I've had severe OCD all my life. Prior to getting tinnitus, I'd perform thousands of rituals per day. But I was a functional obsessive compulsive and simply took it as my duty. I've had bad experiences with antidepressants and SSRI's, so I refuse to even consider them, especially considering the horror stories of them making tinnitus worse. My latest kick is 5htp.
Three final things I'll mention.
Firstly, I have a hunch that my ears are still tensing up, literally, when they encounter sound. And I have a hunch that that tension has something to do with the tinnitus. I just don't know how to stop them from tensing up.
Since I'm writing all sorts of personal shit, even stuff that makes me identifiable, I'll add one more personal, embarrassing detail that's worth mentioning. I injured myself this past month. And without getting too specific, I'll just say that I injured my urethra of all things (by holding myself too long) and ended up in the emergency room, pissing blood. (As a side note, none of the doctors believed how it happened and were left scratching their heads. I've completely given up on doctors from every single field. If it's not something they can sew up or cut out, you're fucked.) While I healed (and I did), the tinnitus pretty much went away. I don't know if I can accurately quantify it, but it was almost as if I didn't have it. Point being, I want to have hope that even in the event of physical damage, this is much more of a neurological condition that, given sufficient distraction (such as worrying about the blood coming out of your urethra), can go away. I just can't deal with peeing blood all the time. Nor do I want to constantly have my brain "on" trying to distract myself. I want to allow my mind to just be.
And finally, it's not just the big things that tinnitus takes away, it's fucking everything. I can't enjoy a glass of wine at night, a cup of coffee in the morning, a bite of something sweet, a hit of pot. Everything exacerbates it. I still do have those things on occasion, but it just sucks that the tinnitus takes the joy out of it. It's like god (or God, who knows) just got pissed at me for finally being happy in life and had to knock me all the way to the bottom, even taking away the simplest of comforts. Kale and water.
Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to everyone on here who contributes. I may have jumped off my balcony without this forum. Peace to everyone.
I got my tinnitus on 11/24/2017. My band played what ended up being our first and only show. The drummer was maybe five feet to my left and we played a half hour set or so. I didn't use earplugs because I forgot or was just too stupid or whatever. I had had three drinks so my natural defenses were probably compromised as well. Plus, I turned my amp up way too loud because in practices my guitar had been getting drowned out. I remember tensing the muscles in my ear as I was singing to block the sound of the cymbals. Though I've played music for over thirty years and writing music was my fondest passion, I don't have a history of playing in bands oddly enough, so don't get the impression I had been abusing my ears for years. This was maybe me as an adult doing something I had wanted to do as a kid. So, yeah, first and last show.
I could discuss a million different things that I've gone through...been to lots of doctors, even the Tinnitus Clinic at Mass General Hospital. All the answers are heartbreaking and boil down to some version of "turn on a fan at night". Then for a while I was hell bent on supplements and drinking absurd amounts of water, trying to feel proactive. Now I'm just in the darkest place I've ever been and maybe that's what I want to talk about.
I had felt like I was getting better for a bit. The tone had become a hiss and I'd have moments of silence. And in the morning I'd have a bit of a reprieve and things would gradually dial up throughout the day. Somehow, in the past week or so I feel I've taken a step back and there's no physical reason for it as far as I can tell. The hiss, has gotten louder, higher in pitch and seems more tonal. The only silver lining currently is that month to month, it has gotten better overall.
The psychological toll is beyond devastating. I've lost everything that made me me. I've accepted that I will never play nor listen to music again, and while heartbreaking, fine. I was also about to get my private pilot's certificate. As in, I had completed all my flights, solo cross countries, etc. and was about ready to take my checkride. That's over with. It's not even necessarily the noise from the planes, but more of the fact that I can't get a decent night's sleep and am not safe to fly. Again, fine, so be it. The only thing I want now is silence. I wake up constantly and as soon as I do, I hear it, whether it's a hiss or running water through pipes or cicadas. It's drained every last ounce of energy from me and I'm running on fumes.
Perhaps my biggest fear at the moment is that I'll lose my girlfriend, whom I love. Quite frankly, who wants to be around a miserable fuck and even though I put on a happy face the best I can when we're together, it's impossible to hide how broken I am. And my girlfriend even expressed to me at one point her skepticism about how she thought my attitude was making it worse. So, I don't want to discuss my misery anymore. It's just rough because we both used to have such a diverse set of interests and at night we'd talk about what we did and we'd share our goals and now it's a one-sided conversation and I'm just this dying man trying to pretend I'm not.
My life now is simply going to work and trying to maintain my job, which I hate. I work in finanicial services.
I've had severe OCD all my life. Prior to getting tinnitus, I'd perform thousands of rituals per day. But I was a functional obsessive compulsive and simply took it as my duty. I've had bad experiences with antidepressants and SSRI's, so I refuse to even consider them, especially considering the horror stories of them making tinnitus worse. My latest kick is 5htp.
Three final things I'll mention.
Firstly, I have a hunch that my ears are still tensing up, literally, when they encounter sound. And I have a hunch that that tension has something to do with the tinnitus. I just don't know how to stop them from tensing up.
Since I'm writing all sorts of personal shit, even stuff that makes me identifiable, I'll add one more personal, embarrassing detail that's worth mentioning. I injured myself this past month. And without getting too specific, I'll just say that I injured my urethra of all things (by holding myself too long) and ended up in the emergency room, pissing blood. (As a side note, none of the doctors believed how it happened and were left scratching their heads. I've completely given up on doctors from every single field. If it's not something they can sew up or cut out, you're fucked.) While I healed (and I did), the tinnitus pretty much went away. I don't know if I can accurately quantify it, but it was almost as if I didn't have it. Point being, I want to have hope that even in the event of physical damage, this is much more of a neurological condition that, given sufficient distraction (such as worrying about the blood coming out of your urethra), can go away. I just can't deal with peeing blood all the time. Nor do I want to constantly have my brain "on" trying to distract myself. I want to allow my mind to just be.
And finally, it's not just the big things that tinnitus takes away, it's fucking everything. I can't enjoy a glass of wine at night, a cup of coffee in the morning, a bite of something sweet, a hit of pot. Everything exacerbates it. I still do have those things on occasion, but it just sucks that the tinnitus takes the joy out of it. It's like god (or God, who knows) just got pissed at me for finally being happy in life and had to knock me all the way to the bottom, even taking away the simplest of comforts. Kale and water.
Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to everyone on here who contributes. I may have jumped off my balcony without this forum. Peace to everyone.
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