Please Bear with Me with This Post...

[Nicola8478]

I'm sick of myself. And I'm really sick of this loud nonstop ringing in my head and ears. Which I'm pretty sure was spiked by anti depressants, which seems like madness in itself. Over the last week I've become a shell of a human and all the colour has been sucked out of my world. It's put a huge strain on my wonderful Dad and our relationship and I think I hate that more than this thing in my ears. I've wanted, and actively asked out loud for death more than once.

And I'm sick of it. By no means do I think I'm on an easy road, or am taking this or anyone else here's struggle lightly.

But I've had enough. So today. I sat down and wrote this to my tinnitus.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you, and excuse me if this sounds a little nuts.

You are a noise. A sound. OK a f****** loud sound and truly horrible sound. But you're trapped in my head and ears and for all I know there you'll stay. I mean do give yourself some credit here, you do a fine job of almost driving me insane, so full marks there.

But you're trapped in the dark, with nothing but my brain, inner ear and yourself for company. And you know what, I like the light and not so, much the dark. So I'll stay where I am thanks, right here in the light. And you, well, you can do what you want. There in the dark.
Yeah it's gonna take me some time, to get back, but I guess you'll just have to sit there through the whole god damn thing, and if you insist on not going anywhere, then you'll just have to come with me and F****** lump it wont you.

And just so you know, yes I will have a couple of Brandy's in my tea at night if I like.

So my dear tinnitus, to sum up...

F*** YOU!



Again, sorry if it sounds a bit (Or a lot) crazy haha. But this has come from the things my Dad has said to me and from a lot of the stories I've read on here over the last few days.

 

[glynis]

Sometimes writing a problem down and feelings and looking at it can help with the overflow of emotions and feel better for it....
Love glynis

 

[Turner]

@Nicola8478 The first thing I want say is stay in the light. I don't find what you wrote crazy and in fact I think writing things like this down is healthy. Stay strong.

 

[Nicola8478]

@Turner Thank you x You too x

 

[billie48]

Welcome to the forum @Nicola8478

Thank you for writing some wonderful notes on my profile. It is quite normal to talk to your T this way. You are on the right track. It is actually an approach in mindfulness that encourage people to visualize and humanize the thing that troubles us and by talking to it we actually soften the process of interacting with it. Often without this approach, our response is fear and stress. Such approach will cause the limbic nerve system to be dominant and then we function in fight or flight mode making things much worse than they are. When we talk to T, we actually are teaching our brain to soften it reaction to the ringing.

One of my early day mentors on tinnitus who was an anchor in a former support forum once said that he treats his tinnitus as a 'renter' on some part of his head who doesn't pay rent. Lol. This approach to talk to our T is powerful as I guess it is similar to the most read success story 'Back to Silence!'

 

[fishbone]

I'm sick of myself. And I'm really sick of this loud nonstop ringing in my head and ears. Which I'm pretty sure was spiked by anti depressants, which seems like madness in itself. Over the last week I've become a shell of a human and all the colour has been sucked out of my world. It's put a huge strain on my wonderful Dad and our relationship and I think I hate that more than this thing in my ears. I've wanted, and actively asked out loud for death more than once.

And I'm sick of it. By no means do I think I'm on an easy road, or am taking this or anyone else here's struggle lightly.

But I've had enough. So today. I sat down and wrote this to my tinnitus.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you, and excuse me if this sounds a little nuts.

You are a noise. A sound. OK a f****** loud sound and truly horrible sound. But you're trapped in my head and ears and for all I know there you'll stay. I mean do give yourself some credit here, you do a fine job of almost driving me insane, so full marks there.

But you're trapped in the dark, with nothing but my brain, inner ear and yourself for company. And you know what, I like the light and not so, much the dark. So I'll stay where I am thanks, right here in the light. And you, well, you can do what you want. There in the dark.
Yeah it's gonna take me some time, to get back, but I guess you'll just have to sit there through the whole god damn thing, and if you insist on not going anywhere, then you'll just have to come with me and F****** lump it wont you.

And just so you know, yes I will have a couple of Brandy's in my tea at night if I like.

So my dear tinnitus, to sum up...

F*** YOU!



Again, sorry if it sounds a bit (Or a lot) crazy haha. But this has come from the things my Dad has said to me and from a lot of the stories I've read on here over the last few days.

That was awesome

I'm not so much into the cussing, but how you are standing up to the tinnitus...is the way to go. Write down your feelings, express them and gain control of your situation....

 

[Nicola8478]

@fishbone Thank you I do apologise for the cursing x

 

[Ed209]

Stay strong @Nicola8478. I want you to do me a favour. In three years time, on this very day, I want you to come back here and say how you feel all over again. In the meantime, start building your life back brick by brick. Do new things like I said before, and ignore the sound in your head even if it is driving you to absolute despair; ignore it. After a while your reaction will slowly become indifferent to the point that you won't care about it anymore. The acute threat stage will slowly pass and your brain will let go if you no longer emotionally react to it. For the next few weeks I want you to feel nothing when you hear the noise. Don't get a knot in your stomach, just hear it and say to yourself 'hello noise' we're gonna have a great day today. Your nervous system will begin to relearn the importance of the noise meaning you won't care as much. An important factor here is to surround your life with as much positivity as you can, so this would mean no longer reading about it, and no longer giving it negative emotional associations.

So, like I said, come back in three years and say how you feel as honestly as you can. I strongly believe you won't care anymore, or no-where near as much, and you'll have other troubles in your life to worry about instead.

We are what we think. If your mind hates T it's going to rub it in your face and make you detest each and everyday. If you accept it, it will back off. Our whole existence is conceived in the brain, so it's not impossible to relearn the rules on what should bother or upset us. It just takes a long time.

 

[New Guy]

That was awesome Ed.

 

[Nicola8478]

@Ed209 Thank you so much for that and I will put all you have told me into practice.

Much love and luck to you x

 

[Jazzer]

@Ed209 - Top Man. That says it all.

 

[Jazzer]

@Nicola8478 - I love it. Even when you feel crushed you manage to be a real "toughie!!"
And by the way....you're far from crazy.
"Real sanity - even under fire - impressive!"
Much love
Jazzer x

 

[fran dana]

A little over a week ago I had the worst days in a long time, I could not read and I was afraid of being deaf and the only thing that accompanied me was that horrible noise. Two days ago I feel calm, the noise is even less annoying than before having this episode. So I guess it's about controlling it, we'll have good and bad days, but this is a day-to-day struggle and you have to give your best

 

[New Guy]

Ed, I saved that post. It's the best I've found yet about taking first steps after the Acute phase.

 

[Nicola8478]

My tinnitus is so loud today I can't deal. Hyperacusis also. My dad is sick of me and I'm trying to be positive but this is so painful and unbearable.

I keep thinking if I hadn't taken Sertraline I wouldn't be in this nightmare and now I'm stuck. My dad actually said if you kill yourself I won't cry for you I've had enough I can't help you.

I'm so alone. I feel like this is it. No point.

 

[billie48]

I'm so alone.

You are never alone here. We have true and deep empathy for your suffering. You can rant about your feelings here all you want. Please forgive your father as he is just human and he doesn't know what to do to help you. I am sure he cares about you a lot but he just doesn't know how to help you and just say something he doesn't mean out of frustration. He is not alone in this as many members report the same from their loved ones when their effort to help can't seem to save their troubled children. This is just a sign of frustration that is just human. In reality, they care and we care. I care enough to write this at 4:45am our time when I saw your post while I woke up from my sleep. So don't give in to the frustration yourself. I have to go back to sleep now. Good night.

 

[Nicola8478]

Thank you Billie. Sleep tight x

 

[Nicola8478]

So sorry for my episode today. After all the lovely advice you all gave me yesterday. It's just so damn loud and intrusive and I can't help blaming myself over and over. I think the when I accept that part I may be able to move on a little. Start putting this 'thing' where it belongs. Loud or not

 

[billie48]

I am awake now. Lol.

I think right now 3 things are working against you. One is that your T may be from drug reaction. If this is the case, there is a good chance that the effect of the drug will slowly wear off over time. So don't discount that.

Second is that your limbic nervous system is high on alert because you are so traumatized by T and are now having suicide ideation over a loud T. You are now functioning in fight or flight mode. This causes your limbic system to push T front and center in your senses and it works hard to try to alert you of the 'threat' and its every move. This is your body's natural way trying to protect you from danger, but this tendency will cause you to monitor your T constantly.

Imagine if you are in a flight with loud jet noise. You and the other passengers don't pay attention much to the loud jet all encompassing around you, and when you are focused on a movie or enjoying a meal you probably are not aware of the jet noise, or at least it is not occupying all your attention. The brain has the ability to fade out even loud noise like that from your awareness when it is busy with something else interesting to it.

Imagine suddenly the pilot announces that there is some problem with one of the engines and the plane needs to seek emergency landing, then instantly that jet noise will become front and center to everyone's senses as now the brain links that noise to a threat. You bet from that point on, the jet noise becomes so much louder and prominent to your senses. In living with a loud tinnitus, we need to find ways to distract from paying attention to T and try to live as normally as humanly possible.

Some people get busy, some pursue new hobbies, exercise, go outdoor, others simply travel the world, like what Aaron is doing and telling us about it in his success story (he was suicidal at first and he even lost his fiancee who had been his soul mate since school days. In fact he said he got his T from suffering a fall while helping his fiancee moving. Yet she dumped him in the process of his struggle to survive T when she sensed that he was suicidal and extremely depressed. Poor guy. But he survives and thrives after coming here for support. Like many members on TT, his perception of T changes over time for the better and the rest is history.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...are-with-you-some-pictures-i-took-after.3268/

The 3rd element working against you is the newness of your spike which has triggered your traumatic reaction to the whole thing. This drags you down so much making you more and more anxious and depressed. You need to give yourself time. Ed is trying to tell you to come back in 3 years to tell us what you think about T. He is actually trying to tell you to delay doing the unthinkable and try to live your life for 3 years. He is buying time for you. He knows what he is talking about. You may not even need 3 years. I will share with you the story of Neenie and her dramatic change from really suicidal to 'what T?' in about a year in the next post. Really some of initial posts, you would never expect such a change of perception of T over a short time.

 

[billie48]

When T or a nasty spike is new, it is very important not to rush yourself with tinnitus as the struggle orbattle with T is often a mind game. The more we insist on something not attainable presently or threaten ourselves with serious consequences if what we wish doesn't happen, the more the mind get stressed and feel stuck. That will create tremendous mental storm and trauma and therefore extremely negative reaction of high stress and anxiety plus depression and sleeplessness, even suicidal thoughts. So we need to play a smart game with the mind.

To insist on silence or quick fix right now when your T is front and center is to create a lot of stress. Why not make a change in your approach? Such as saying that silence or a reduced level is the ultimate goal, but that you will be happy to habituate to T over time so that you won't hear it most of the time. This approach is just as good for the time being. I say that because our perception of T will change over time, and T's perceived loudness or intrusiveness may also change over time. You can read about such change of perception all over the success stories. Here is just one illustration of how desperate some new members were initially, a desperate post from a former member Neenie who, like you, initially was so depressed and traumatized that she wouldn't want to live. But she changes her perception of T over time, from suicidal to 'don't care a dime' about T and even question why the fuss about silence.

When Neenie first posted here, she was so very desperate and panicky, depressed and questioning the value of living on with her severe T. She started a thread 'Tinnitus has taken my life away':

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-has-taken-my-life-away.2737/

after a while, more desperation post about T not improving and not habituating, and crying over T:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-wont-i-habituate.2785/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/always-crying.3251/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-nature-of-habituation.3303/page-2#post-32375

Now the turning in perception and tone about her T:
Mental illness and tinnitus

And her triumphant post over her T in a Christmas message:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

I hope you will hang in there and learn some good advice from others. I hope you will give yourself time. You sound much like Neenie when she first posted about her T, saying she just can't live with T. Neenie is no super woman and many recovering members are not bionic. We all suffered a lot and were suicidal initially. Try not to rush yourself that T has to be gone or else.... Try give yourself time and be fair with your body. It needs some time to get used to T and to heal itself. You can outsmart T. It is a mental game/battle with the T bully. You can beat it by giving it time and learning/applying some success strategies that you will learn from others. The bright future for you is waiting for you. Believe it. Take care. God bless.