Sad Today

[Lorac]

It has been almost four years now since I lost all hearing in my left ear. I have not enjoyed even one second of silence since that day. In addition to the constant tinnitus and ear fullness, my deaf ear reacts to all of the sound that my good ear hears. I have had to make adjustments to my life but I try to be there for my family members and attend their events, etc. I struggle to keep up and just smile when I really can't keep up. I try to focus on what I still have and what is good about my life and I try to stay positive.

Today is a hard one for me though. I played the oboe in a concert band for many years before the hearing loss and the tinnitus and the hyperacusis. Today is a special concert with many lovely pieces and wonderful oboe solos that I should be playing. I wish I had not read about the concert in the newspaper this week. I feel weak and depressed now. I don't usually waste this much time feeling sorry for myself.

 

[Parfait]

I don't blame you for feeling sad. Was your hearing loss caused by sitting next to the brass section? My hearing problems all started with listening to a brass band. I've decided I'm not going to play my flute or violin again, as I'm fearful of making the tinnitus and hyperacusis worse. I wasn't a professional player so I can imagine for you that must feel like quite a loss. There are times when the losses feel more acute. Are u able to still play the oboe at home at all? What a beautiful instrument- you are lucky to be able to play that. I'm thinking if I did want to take up another instrument I would consider playing the keyboard at low volume. My dad lost his hearing through playing bagpipes (he doesn't think this is the case but I do). My brother lost hearing and had tinnitus through being a Dj. Our family appear to have done a lot of damage to ours through music.

 

[vermillion]

@Lorac
I just read your post. Just wanted to say that I SO understand you. Few months before my T kicked in I decided to begin again my piano studies which I had quit for many years. Piano came as my "deus ex machina" who helped me to cope with various toxic s...t that always mess with our lives. Unfortunately this plan is already history and haven't yet accepted the loss. It's truly sad.

 

[LadyDi]

I am so sorry, @Lorac. I totally understand you being sad. You are not "wasting time." You are grieving for the life you had and the loss of doing something beautiful and special, which you loved. Grief takes time.

It sounds like you have done a very good job accepting the difficult thing you were handed, being positive and supporting others who still perform. I am hoping you will be able to find your way back to music in some way. Perhaps others here can help you, we have quite a few musicians here at TT? I sing in two (non professional) choirs and had to give up the larger, more accomplished one for almost two years following my tinnitus onset four years ago. But I am back now. The break kept my tinnitus from becoming worse and I now sing with professional molded ear plugs -- which definitely cuts back on the musical experience, but still...

 

[Dominic1955]

@Lorac i am so sorry, I only have it for 13 months and feel your pain. Have you considered a cochlear implant? Since you have profound unilateral hearing loss it may beneficial.
I was turned down because my hearing loss is moderate to severe, not profound.
Get better you are my inspiration! Always made me feel better!
Dom

 

[Wojtek Kalka]

It is totally ok to be sorry for a moment, just do not indulge yourself in it .. there is a basic rule in life, you can't change the cards you get but you can chose the way you play your hand ... used it before and will use the quote again and again ..

It is tough and sometimes it seems unbearable .. now imagine yourself a life like Steven Hawkins or even I do not
agree much with him google Nicholas James "Nick" Vujicic ... he has no limbs ... it is your CHOICE only to love life or hate it or anything in between, no matter what it throws at you .. but still your choice only ..

I have tinnitus forever 20+.. currently with a horrible spike sometimes it is at 8-9/10 because of the medications ...
which is a storm in my head,... to be exact .. no only a storm in my ears and I build a up a protective layer over the years which is still not too stable .. but I know it will go down .. even if not .. I always smile at life the only chance of living imho, million of people dying from hunger, war, poverty .. and I can't enjoy silence and my ears are f*** up .. these days you have a lot of choice from amazing hearing protection ( I use it to practice sax and I rather die then stop doing what I love) .. to constant white noise with mobile phones etc ...

In the so called first world .. where we live in, we have chances and choices ... most people have not. I can highly recommend you books from Eduardo Galeano .. makes you smile and cry at the same time.

Cover the tears and smile ... for those who can't.

Hugs from New Delhi
Wojtek

 

[Lorac]

Thanks so much for your supportive responses. I don't visit the forum as often as I used to and when I do, it is mainly for the purpose of helping new members. I am usually able to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have in life, but certain songs or events can set me back temporarily.

@Parfait,
Doctors believe my sudden hearing loss was caused by some sort of virus but I also wonder if noise exposure could have played a part. My mother was a band director and choir director and she has very extensive hearing loss in both ears but no tinnitus. I hear and feel noise in the deaf ear with every sound I hear in my good ear. I would like to play the oboe again someday because I love the instrument and it was very difficult to learn, but I don't want to feel the discomfort along with the music.

@Dominic,
I was told that U.S. insurance companies do not cover the expense of cochlear implants for unilateral deafness, even if it is profound. There may be an exception for children though.