Some Venting: My Own Mother Did This to Me — Tinnitus from Using Headphones Excessively

[Guilty]

Hi all,

I've had tinnitus for a few months now and been struggling through trying to continue living my life. Outside of the tinnitus I'm a Silicon Design Engineer and teach lifeguards, as well as kid swim classes as a volunteer every summer.

I had a rough day today with tinnitus and family issues and was compelled to write, to vent about my situation and the almost comically tragic nature of how it came to be.

VENT

1. I never listened to music until the year of my final exams.
2. My mother is incredibly loud and distracting (TV, shouting, bipolar rage etc.) during all waking hours.
3. When trying to study, requesting my mother to be quiet would result in her flying into a rage.
4. I figured out that if I wear headphones and play loud music, I can't hear her and can, finally, for the first time in my life, concentrate.
5. This went on for almost 5 years (final exam and all throughout grad school). I never stopped asking her to be quiet, hopeful that I could study without needing headphones and music, but she never, ever done the bare minimum required of her, i.e. be reasonably quiet while I was studying.
6. Now I have debilitating tinnitus.

My own mother did this to me.

She routinely speaks of how much she believes she does for us. Nothing she has done, or ever could do, could be enough to compensate me for the horrible things she has inflicted upon me.

The tinnitus is just the final, cruel, suicide inducing, slap in the face.

I hope everyone is doing ok today. It's a battle lads.

 

[Lurius]

I'm quite familiar with your problem. I cut off all contact with my own mother this March. Best thing I ever did. It reduced my stress by about 50000% and made me able to finally focus on my recovery, instead of having to manage that crazy bitch.

Tell your mother to fuck off. You can thank me later.

 

[zingting]

If it makes you feel any better, I used to just stay in my room and develop video games before I got tinnitus. I never went to any concerts in my entire life. In fact, as far as I remember, the closest live show I've ever seen might be a movie theatre which is not a live show. I never listened to any extremely loud music or anything, I was just in my quiet room working and modeling until I got an ear infection months ago and made the mistake of going to the doctors. The doctor syringed my left ear because it was blocked. It gave me tinnitus. My ear infection just went away on its own. The doctors ruined my life (twice within a month).

 

[Joe Cuber]

This is really upsetting to hear @Guilty, I hope you find solice in the community here.

 

[makeyourownluck]

I don't know what age you are @Guilty, but could you not move out of your mum's house? 5 years is a long time to live in an environment that makes you feel like s**t.

I had similar issues with my parent. Moved out at 17, and it was honestly the best decision I ever made. Our relationship improved because of it.

 

[GeorgeLG]

@Guilty, it sounds like you have had some tough challenges in a crazy household. I faced a lot of the same stuff growing up, things that haunted me and kept me angry and spiteful for decades (I am almost 70 now). If I told you some of it you would think I was making it up. That anger and assignment of blame made me sick. I am not diminishing what you went through, it sounds rough. I am not saying that you did not deserve better or that other people were not involved in your tinnitus. What I am going to say is that it doesn't matter. It sounds like your mother has mental illness problems and so she may not have done this intentionally or even understand what has happened. Even if I am wrong and she meant to harm you, that sucks but it still does not matter.

Your health, well-being and happiness is of the utmost importance. You deserve to be happy, healthy and to have a life filled with love. Getting stuck in a cycle of hatred, blame and victimhood about how you got tinnitus will keep you from these things and will keep you from getting better. I could not shed decades of chronic illness until I forgave my family and my childhood traumas. I don't associate with most of them anymore so I am not saying to pretend like nothing happened but forgiveness is for you, for your sanity. I am not a religious man, just someone trying to find some inner peace and get on with life. I have cancer and not many years left so I don't want to waste one more day focused on other people behaving badly or hurting me.

I wish someone had told me, taught me about protecting my ears. I wish I had been looked after and kept from harm on this and countless other childhood traumas but life does not always work that way. We have to take control of how we are going to live our lives from this day forward and figure out how to deal with the curve balls that come our way. In the end, I played rock music without protection and ran construction tools without proper care... I decided those things. That's OK, though because we have to forgive ourselves too, we are learning as we go, OJT if you will. I was young, dumb and invincible, and pissed off, and rebellious. But now I have found peace and a calmness that I never had before. On any given day, we should look for the best possible day that we can have with friends and loved ones. All the shit from our past is sunk cost, we can't go back and change it and apologies are not coming, it's up to us now.

Your tinnitus can get better, affect your life less than it does now, but you're going to have to let the air out of that balloon when you're able to in order to get better. I wish good things for you.

You vent your ass off brother if that's what you need to do but then you will need to get on with it.

George

 

[Guilty]

Thanks for all the advice/well wishing!

@makeyourownluck, I will be moving out in the next month, housing crisis made moving out impossible without a high paying job, which I managed to get after College this year, so finally able to move out and support myself.

@GeorgeLG, thanks for the hard earned wisdom! You are 100% right about not falling into victimhood and focusing on yourself and forgiving your family for their faults, and generally that is my approach, today was just really rough verbal attacks + bad ringing. I am feeling much better now and I am back in the mindset of self-improvement.

I am determined to live a life that's even FULLER than the one I would have lived without tinnitus, just to spite it.

 

[beefling]

Your situation is pretty similar to mine @Guilty, in that I used brown noise/loud fans as a noise blocker to drown out noisy tenants above me. For months I put up with thumping, dragging, banging, and whatever else, and it caused me no end of distress. It had a significantly negative impact on my sleep routine as well, which as we all know is critical to every aspect of our life. So I resorted to just blocking it out.

We're here because of the inconsideration of others, not because we recklessly abused our ears. It is profoundly cruel.

 

[makeyourownluck]

I will be moving out in the next month

That's great, you will notice such a big difference.

housing crisis made moving out impossible

Yeah, I get that. I was couch surfing for 2 years before I got my first place. It wasn't the best environment to study in, but better than home, and great fun (for the most part).

high paying job, which I managed to get after College this year, so finally able to move out and support myself.

Exciting times man. I'm from Scotland so wasn't sure if grad school was high school. Getting out the house will be great for you.

It's tricky when a parent has a mental health condition. You feel sorry for them and what to stick around to look after them, but at the same time, it really messes with your head. Difficult for sure, but it's time to prioritise yourself. Good luck with the move!

 

[Peter61]

@GeorgeLG, thanks for your wisdom. I can relate to what you say so well. My experiences are pretty much the same as yours.

Childhood trauma (emotional neglect), hearing abuse in my teenage years out of frustration and rebelliousness, without having any awareness of the need to protect it. I was such a total ignorant fool...

But you're right, at the end of the day all those "reasons" are irrelevant. What counts is today, that's all we have left. Make it a beautiful day filled with joy and love for the people who really care about you and mean something to you.

Forget about the rest. They are not worth your attention, but just a waste of energy.