Story of My Sad Life, New Tinnitus and Attempting to Look Into the Future

[adam.gre]

Hi All fellow TT members,

A word of warning:
This is a little sad, self pitying story about my life, attempts to make my life better, how recent tinnitus shattered my life and how I'm attempting to find a light in the darkness.
If you're in a happy mood, probably better not to read my bullocks right now. Apologies to everyone for spurting out my story to the world.

Before:
My life never seemed to be very happy (apart from early childhood, which as I remember was the best time in my life). I always felt isolated and lonely and lost in this world. I had of course happy times in my life, I had some relationships, which I can say were good, but in general I always felt some sort of anxiety, which was amplified in recent years especially.

I did some partying and drinking more than I should, I did some travelling to find myself, but I didn't. I came back to London - the city where I live right now, where I feel very lonely and I have no one who would care about me (well, it's my fault for my selfish behaviour and lack of social skills). I could spend weekends on my own in my flat drinking alone, waiting time to pass and go back to work on Monday. I somehow managed my miserable life that way, but inside of me I wanted to make things better. I made little plans for myself like learning maths as a hobby, I started exercising a bit, even attempted to become more social and get out more - who knows - maybe even having a nice girlfriend at some point. There was hope and it was squashed by tinnitus.

Tinnitus:
It happened just over two months ago. Before I had a mild tinnitus for over 10 years, but I will call it pre-tinnitus time as it was a very minor, heard only in silence and completely non issue. Two months ago I woke up with a strange cold and I noticed my T was louder. Didn't do much for a day, but then I noticed I can hear it at work. I slowly started being concerned. I thought it might be something with sinuses and will go back to normal quiet T soon. It didn't. Most likely my inner ear was damaged by this strange 'cold' and now I'm left with new T symptoms. It's louder and worst of all - it's reactive. When I hear sounds, especially higher pitched like something dropping on the floor, door opening, even talk in certain rooms, I can hear for a short time after the sound, an increased pitch - like 5x louder than normal tinnitus. Even in quiet I think my T becomes louder when I breathe. Working in the office became unbearable for me as there's always something happening, lots of noises produced and my T is amplified for most time by various noises.

Naturally I became obsessed with T and I lost interest in everything, all my plans. I stopped doing maths, I can't enjoy anything like watching films or playing games. I have no longer interests in developing my work skills, I even lost interest in making money as it's pointless when you can't enjoy life.

I also secretly was waiting for my T to get better, but it's already 2 months and I don't see improvement, especially when it comes to reactiveness. I lost hope for T getting better. And even bigger problem is how am I going to habituate ever this weird reactive T.

Now my life is so sad, lonely and full of pain. If I could choose to stop existing right now, I'd probably choose that option, if not few people (maybe 2-3 people in the world, living far away) who would be devastated if I perished. I can't do it to them, so I have to stick living on this planet for some time more.


Going forward:
So here I am. My work contract has finished and I'm not looking for a new one. I probably will have to do some freelance work from home now as I can't stand office environment for a prolonged time. Not sure if it's great idea as I will be stuck even more in my flat-prison. I will have even less social contact as I don't have any real friends.

Even though I'm such a miserable creature, something deep down inside of me tells me I'm too young to die. I'm just 33.

So I try to see if there's anything positive in life I can do.

There are people which are in way worse position than I am. Look at Stephen Hawking. 40 years after his illness, he's still going, has a family, wrote great books. And he's in a position much worse than ours. And my T probably is not as bad as some on this forum who can literally hear it all the time. At least I sometimes get relief while walking usually daytime when it's more noise on the streets.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to do it. It will require lots of life changing decisions and I'm just a weak person. How do I find a strength to continue, I really don't know.

Apologies again for this gibberish to anyone who managed to read to the end.

All the best to you all,
Adam

 

[billie48]

Welcome Adam. We all have those down moments in life when we question what life is all for? I used to live like that. Perhaps thinking about adding faith in your life, or servicing others with compassion to know that you can make a difference in others' life. At least add some interesting or meaningful hobbies. Life with a purpose or mission, and with positivity will help you buffer those down moments. Try some volunteer service in your local community, whatever fits you best. I used to be negative and anxious about life, and that got me anxiety and panic attack disorders for decade. Then I found faith and God as well as positivity approach and these have made a difference in my ability to handle my ultra high pitched dog whistle T and severe hyperacusis. I suffered 'hell' initially, but thanks God I now live a normal and absolutely enjoyable life. If you read my success story 'From Darkness to Light...', you will know my journey has not been easy. We all have to dig ourselves out of this dark tunnel one way or another, whatever works. Hope you will pull through with whatever approach you adopt, but being more positive in life helps. Start with reading the Positivity Thread.... Take good care & God bless you.

 

[joseph Ghass]

Adam, you are a man of a great heart.

The good news is that T get better with time and usually loud sounds fades in a year, and u will get habituate to it.

You need to hold on for at least 6 months to start noticing improvements.

What I want from u is to start a diet called ketogenic diet and stick with it for at least 6 months.

Did u visit a ENT?

 

[adam.gre]

Thank you both for your warm and encouraging answers

@billie48 - I always appreciate people believing in God. It seems it gives them so much strength. When it comes to me I've been agnostic most of my life and it's unlikely to change. Nonetheless if someone is hit by such a life alerting condition like tinnitus, one changes, priorities in life change, you need to re-evaluate everything. I just started meditation. I also want to find out more about stoic philosophy. Helping others is indeed a noble idea. Just not sure how I can help others when I'm still in the darkness myself.

@joseph Ghass - thank you. I just don't know yet how I will be able to habituate my strange reactive tinnitus. That's the biggest problem. I think I could manage in my increased normal T, but my reactive T behaves in weird ways. Many thanks for the tip re ketogenic diet. I will read more about it. Even if it just helps mental stability, it's worth trying. And who knows, if it helps T, then that's great. Apparently there's some connection between epilepsy and tinnitus. Yes, I did visit GP and ENT, but weren't very helpful. I was advised to take 2x betahistine dihydrochloride and 2x supplement containing magnesium and potassium. Additionally I also take some ginko and monolaurin. So far I don't see if taking all that meds helps.

 

[Karl28]

Damn this sounds almost exactly like me.

Tinnitus since 2001 but it was allways quiet and easy but then it got worse from a cold in 2014 and again in 2015

 

[eric peterson]

Hi All fellow TT members,

Going forward:
So here I am. My work contract has finished and I'm not looking for a new one. I probably will have to do some freelance work from home now as I can't stand office environment for a prolonged time. Not sure if it's great idea as I will be stuck even more in my flat-prison. I will have even less social contact as I don't have any real friends.

Even though I'm such a miserable creature, something deep down inside of me tells me I'm too young to die. I'm just 33.

So I try to see if there's anything positive in life I can do.

There are people which are in way worse position than I am. Look at Stephen Hawking. 40 years after his illness, he's still going, has a family, wrote great books. And he's in a position much worse than ours. And my T probably is not as bad as some on this forum who can literally hear it all the time. At least I sometimes get relief while walking usually daytime when it's more noise on the streets.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to do it. It will require lots of life changing decisions and I'm just a weak person. How do I find a strength to continue, I really don't know.

Apologies again for this gibberish to anyone who managed to read to the end.

All the best to you all,
Adam

Adam,

You're going to be fine. It's completely normal to feel very anxious and even depressed early on when you've gotten intrusive tinnitus. It's also just about impossible to imagine habituating to something so loud in your head. But most people go on to live very happy, healthy, completely normal lives, even after tinnitus. That you seem to have some past issues with depression and/or social disorder mean only to me that you might want to look into discussing your problems with a professional. Perhaps look into one who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There is plenty of evidence that this approach is successful for many T sufferers. (It was for me as well. Now, I get that that is only an anecdote. It's not medical or statistical evidence that it works. But there is plenty of evidence outside of me that it does work. You should do the research and prove to yourself that it might work, and work for you). Further, if your T is very intrusive, many people use a method called TRT. It also has a high success rate for patients (something like 85%, and it's generally only taking the toughest cases of ppl who are struggling to habituate on their own). As far as supplements and/or diets, there really isn't any evidence that any of this stuff works. Anecdotally, you might feel better if you do some of these things. But frankly something like 85% of all people who come down with intrusive T are habituated w/in a year. So, it's hard to say if the supplements did anything, were a placebo, or you would have habituated anyway, had you done nothing. If you want or need to diet and exercise, go ahead. Certainly isn't going to hurt to eat better or get in better shape. And exercise can lower your anxiety levels, which is always a good thing. But there isn't any medical evidence for certain diets, or for ginko, etc. And for people that say your T 'goes away', well, it might. But for most people (myself included), it's as loud as it's ever been. And I really don't care. I used to hear it and it would drive me insane. Now I just go on with my day, forgetting about it again in a few minutes.

Lastly, stay off this site early on as much as possible. And if you need to be here, try the success stories first. And as far as some of the drugs that people are taking on this site, such as trobalt. That's kind of a caveat emptor situation. People are taking these drugs off-label. There are no studies to show that they work for people with T. (The might, I don't know. But the evidence that they do is from people on this site. Not through some rigorous scientifically valid study) They are drugs generally meant for people with seizures from epilepsy. And they often have significant side effects. So I'd talk to a medical professional before going down that road with any of those. If you need anything else, don't be afraid to ask.

Take Care,

Eric

 

[Lloyd Carter]

@adam.gre Praying for you to have quieter days. If not, you WILL habituate. Did you protect your ears over the 10 years prior to the "new tinnitus?"

 

[adam.gre]

Thank you all for further replies:

@Karl28 - do you have reactive T to sound as well? did it get better or just stayed? what was the reason for worsening T in 2015?

@eric peterson - thanks for warm words. The biggest problem I have that my T is reactive produces loud after-sound after hearing certain tones. If though I can see myself habituating louder T, I'm not sure what to do with the feral reactive T. When it comes to ginko, I heard it also helps with mild depression, so always worth a try, however I don't give much hope to ginko or other supplements.

@Lloyd Carter - I think I was quite considerate about my ears like having ear plugs when going to loud places (even though my T wasn't noise induced - not sure if it makes any difference though). Of course I wasn't obsessed with protection, but I did my bit. I was listening audiobooks for almost all day at work for a week prior to T increase and unfortunate cold. I don't know if there's any link there. I don't think so, but who knows

 

[eric peterson]

@adam.gre , adam... so long as the supplement is just some safe, OTC item, then I don't see the harm in it either. If it doesn't help, so what? no harm done. But if it makes you feel better, then great.

 

[joseph Ghass]

Supplements are secondary.

your best approach to restore your brain's chemical balance is to switch to burning ketones.

you will through a phase of adaption usually 6 weeks to get into nutritional ketosis.

combine this with some stress management techniques.

I have been researching ketogenic diets gor years and T made it put my research into practice.

T changed my life for the good. I am now healthier, wiser, and Recovering slowely from T.

let me know if u need any help adam

 

[billie48]

@joseph Ghass, since you have been promoting the ketogenic diets in your posts, and this obviously has helped you, perhaps you can start a thread to explain it and share your experience with it. There is no guarantee that any thing will work for everybody, but the suffering members at large can at least be more educated about your approach, and they can decide to try it or not.

 

[joseph Ghass]

The keto diet is just a part of the 4 pillars system that I created it to beat T.

Once my T fades, I will put the system on this forum for people to follow.

I estimated 2 years for my T to fade based on its initial severity.

But with this system that I have create it, I think it wil take less time.

 

[Bran350]

I also had the lower t for 11 years. Mine increased back in September. I know that lonely feeling you speak of. You may never have met any of us in person, but just know we are your friends and family here. This stuff is tough, but it will get better man. We are here for you. Let me know if you need anything at all.

 

[Lorac]

Hang in there Adam. It is worse in the beginning. You just want a doctor to fix it, that's what they are supposed to do.....right? It is frustrating! I went to see a therapist who specializes in Positive Behavior Therapy for a few months and that was helpful. We found out that Huntington's disease is part of my husband's family tree, as his sister was diagnosed just days after I lost my hearing and started dealing with tinnitus. This blog looks like a walk in the park compared to the Huntington's blog. My husband did not test positive for the disease so we know our kids and grandkids will not have it. I have relentless tinnitus and I hate it but our little branch of the tree is safe from Huntington's!

 

[wishingluck]

Hello Adam,

reading your story, I was shocked how many of the same things we have in common:

my childhood has been the happiest time of my life. Life from then on generally sucked as I have other chronic health problems. Still, all this other stuff, although hard, was a bless compared to T.
The T was the worst thing that happened to me, second only to a sudden death in my family at a young age. The grief resurfaced a couple of years ago, after almost 20 years, because I started to understand things about life that I didn't understand earlier.

My social skills are bad too, although I have had always some excellent and real friends, strangely. Too bad that we all lost contact, as many of them have their share of trouble. At the time, I took everything for granted, so I did not make an effort to preserve the company of these special people.

Like you, I have what's left of my family somewhere in the world, and they are the only reason why I don't just smile to myself thinking 'what's to worry about? If things become unbearable, I'll just throw in the towel. No shame in doing that, even the best philosophers said that there's no shame in suicide.

But unfortunately, it's not an option for us. As you wrote, other people who know and love you, would be devastated. We would ruin their lives and turn it into a disaster.
What the hell, I can't let that happen. I can't change my own life because it sucks, but I can avoid making other's life as bad.
Remember, tinnitus doesn't kill. The real challenge is psychological, and yes, of course it's easier said than done, when it comes to 'habituate' and all that trash.

I too, like you, have put work into trying to change my life. And as for you, I got T right in the process. I generally have always preferred solitude, I have never been afraid of it, quite the contrary. A few years ago I completely changed. I started to do out of the house, everything I could do. I took many classes, about a lot of different things, I developed a sense of humour, I was looking forward to get a girlfriend, etc etc.

Reality is, for me things failed before T onset. I started seeing that reality wasn't at all like all those stupid and cheesy self-help books written by Antony Robbins, wants people to believe. These books do a disservice, because they taint reality with bullshit. You can be ballsy, you can be gutsy, you can be daring, you can take risks. I did all of that, in truth always did that. It rarely worked, although I have had several people admiring me for whatever I did at the time, along the way I have always met some good friends.

I know. I tried, like you.
But life never changed. I still had the same problems. Then T appeared. It's like all these other problems aren't even there, although they are. I wasn't living a 'normal life' before, and now, there was nothing normal about it anymore. My place is a mess, I don't even shave, I look like a madman.

But if I have to go somewhere, I am able to clean up and clean myself up and hide all. But deep inside I feel as if life is a tragedy. It's not just the T, the T only made me really see what reality is. How shit can happen to anybody, anytime, anywhere. Chance doesn't care about anything.

In that sense, I have been lucky, in the sense that for the previous 20 years, after the death in my family, I have lived a problem-free life, as regard health. Yes I had my old chronic problems, but no more. In 2o years I only got flu once. Then an infection in my finger. That's it. If I think about all I have done and the risks I have taken, I am shocked to see that I still have my head attached to my body, and both my eyes, my arms, etc.

You mention Hawkings. I have been fascinated with his work. But I disagree about him being much worse off. The guy is a rockstar, he's got 24/7 care, he's an illustrious scientist, a black holes specialist.

T doesn't kill, but it turns life into crap. I'd rather be Hawkings!

You don't have to apologize to anybody for feeling gloomy. People who criticize people for being gloomy. weird, etc, aren't grown up yet, they are the ones who think that to be wealthy you just have to be smart and work hard, or that you can have any woman in the world, and all this amusing trash. They still haven't got a taste of real life yet. When it will happen, they too will realize that they aren't so hot, after all. Reality is, soon or later it happens for most people. Statistics say that most people will die of heart disease or some other form of health problems. And everybody gets old.

Talk about being gloomy!

You like maths, which suggests you have a good mind. May I suggest you look into Stoic philosophy? So far, beside masking, it's the only other thing that's truly helping me. Other philosophy too, like that of Schopenhauer, but I think the most helpful is Stoicism. Have a look at the Enchiridion by Epictetus, it's a very short manual and it's very good.

You are not weak. Quite the contrary, you have two balls of the size of the Grand Canyon, as everybody else in this forum who had their life so bizarrely and strangely changed all of a sudden.

Always respect yourself. Never put yourself down, because the reality is that no one has any control about what happens, although the delusional thinks so. There's no guarantee for anybody that if they try to change their life, they will succeed. The weak people are the ones who never tried. There's honour in taking up a fight and losing it.

You should give yourself a big pat on the back everytime you think about it. Just the fact that one has not harmed anyone, is already a very decent person. One might be a millionaire, but it doesn't mean he's a better human being. Even the Stoics advise not to look at other people and think that they are so much better off, even if the appeareances indicate that.