Strength in Numbers

[Willpowered]

Hi T Talkers.
I've been lurking around this site for about a year but have never posted. I wish I was adding to the positivity thread but unfortunately this is not the case. :/ I am really trying to reach out because I feel awful.
I been hanging with Mr. T for over three years. I have a musical background but always wore ear protection. I moved to Florida with my family about 8 years ago. Bad move. Now Im at the tail end of divorce which has been about as devastating as the T.
I had an ear infection and was depressed so I got a prescription for an antibiotic (ciprofloxacin) and an antidepressant (Citolopram).
I took them and within 3 days and off he goes. Could have been the infection or either one of the meds or something in the water or looking at a tree the wrong way for all I know. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter. It's here.

I'm sorry for the gloom and doom, I promise to try to be upbeat but I just have to open up. There are some really good people on here and I just really need a boost. My life has been turned upside down by this and I know Im not alone. Im just gonna spit it out and be done with it.

I have tried many of the suggested remedies starting with the good old fashioned snake oils...you know the usual suspects Super B, Ginko Biloba, NAC, Zinc, Magnesium, L-Tyrosine, Lipoflavoniod...then graduated to accupuncture, meditation, Widex Zen ear buds, and so on. Obviously none of these things have helped over the course of the last 3 years.

I dont like who I am now. I barely have energy to play with my awesome kids when I see them and I get angry at the littlest things. I'm just not me anymore and it is awful.

I got a script for Xanax and that worked for a while but then I developed a toloerance to it and now I need to taper off of that. I also read that Xanax can excaserbate the thing as well.
Now I can't sleep, I can't eat, I dont want to be around anyone because the noise hurts. I have been reduced to a mere shell of what I once was. I live alone now and it's a living hell. Im sorry this is not a very upbeat post but I dont know what else to do. I'm even hesitant to reach out to my family because they dont understand. I dont want to just flood my head with alcohol. I know that can make it worse too. I tried the noratrypyiline last week and could not stand the way it made me feel. Before that I tried Zoloft and that made things way worse. I was just hoping to treat the anxiety that goes with the T but I could not make it for even two days. I began having VERY negative thoughts and that was that.
So I have been holed up in my house just wishing things were different on so many levels.
I feel like a total outcast, Im without a job right now. Im trying but concentrating is so hard.
Once again, I'm sorry to unload like this but I'm at the end of my rope. Im in tears now. Nobody else can possibly understand how I feel except for the people on this site.

 

[Karl K]

Hey Will,

Stay strong we know what you're going through. I too have anxiety, anger issues, no energy to enjoy life and to get on with daily stuff but you have to take stock my friend and initially try to take very little strides forward that will ultimately turn into triumphant conquests once you've succeeded and that will give you the strength to cope with this debilitating condition. You can beat it my friend, you're stronger than it. At the moment you're at a testing period of your personal life and this will no doubt be affecting your T but you sound as if you have a decent sense of humour so try and laugh more and think of your wonderful kids. And believe me I've thought about the alternative and its indeed a lot worse.

 

[Sailboardman]

Willpowered,

I could have wrote your intro! except for the divorce issues. I know what you're going through exactly! I have also told people, I know what Hell is, because I live in it everyday. Stay off the benzo's and for sleep, get a Hometics, nature sound machine and put it on your bed. I couldn't sleep without it. Bed, Bath and Beyond. $20. Also, try 5-htp and/or, 3mg's of time released melatonin. GNC has it.

Btw, what part of Fl?

 

[Lorac]

@Willpowered ,
You don't have to apologize for unloading here. Many of us have been where you are right now. I have had VERY negative thoughts too. You didn't mention anything about hearing loss in your post. Do you have hearing loss?
Anxiety about your divorce is probably making your T worse. It sounds like you have some happy and healthy children though and they need you. Could you seek help from a therapist?

 

[Willpowered]

@Sailboardman, Thanks for the advice, Ive got one of those noisemakers it goes to 11. Ive the thing frikkin cranked. I appreciate your feedback. I wish I had know the benzos were a bad route. Im working on getting off of them. They do nothing for me now. I will check out the 5 htp. Ive heard of it. I do take the melatonin even though it gives some crazy dreams, so crazy I wake up going wtf was that! IM in Satellite Beach, Melbourne area. @Karl K, thank you for your input. Yes it is a test, Im like damn. and I didnt study for this one. @Lorac I thought I would have had some severe hearing loss and blown out all my little cochlea hairs from my musical past. I played drums for a long time, got signed to a label, put out a couple records...but my hearing is very good based on a couple of tests I have taken, No more drums though. I put so much into getting good on the drums and now I just cant do it. I play acoustic guitar (poorly) butat least I still have music in my life. My kids are awesome and I would never leave them. I just wish I could be a better father. Like the one I used to be. I dig deep to find the enthusiasm to go skateboarding and ride our bikes and tickle fights but it takes serious effort to hide my pain. They are 7 year old twins, a boy and a girl. Pretty amazing kiddos. I need to go see a therapist. Im a bit of a basket case..no shame in that on this site. Yea I was a bit of a Debbie Downer earlier but I read a post by someone else earlier and it brought me to tears because it felt like I was the author so I just did some digital journaling on here. I felt so bad for him and all of us really. I wish we could just script the ending of this movie where we all get together and slay the T dragon and all live happily ever after. Which in a sense maybe we are. It's just not the end yet. I see people on here that have had Mr. T for decades and just can't even imagine.

Thank You for your feedback guys.

 

[Sailboardman]

@Willpowered,

Did you have a standard audiogram done? They usually only test to 8K. Our ears can hear up to 20-22K. You might have hidden hearing loss at the higher frequencies. Cymbals are usually the culprit. Like Neal Peart and Phil collins, who suffer from what Peart calls, "Drummers ear." So many drummers do.

 

[Willpowered]

Im pretty sure. Ill have to take a look yea cymbals bad. I hit hard but wore earplugs always. I heard Phil is coming back out of retirement and Neil is quitting just because his body is all beat up from all the impact over the years. All of his joints in his hands knees back. I dont remember reading about any T but it definitely wouldnt suprise me. I dont know if I have drummers ears. It would have had to been a delayed response because at the onset of my T I had not been playing at all for a while.

 

[Cityjohn]

Hey Will,

I wish we could just script the ending of this movie where we all get together and slay the T dragon and all live happily ever after.

There is no doubt in my mind that a successful treatment for tinnitus will be available to us both in this lifetime.

 

[Willpowered]

@Cityjohn I like the sound of that!

 

[Lorac]

@Willpowered ,
I so understand where you are coming from. I played the oboe before sudden hearing loss and constant T. I played for many years, mainly as a hobby, but I was good at it and it was a huge part of my life.
I have had to put on a brave face to be there for my grandchildren in spite of my ear problems. I just realized early on that I would not be able to go back and relive their toddler years. I didn't want to regret lost time with them.
I also understand how reading this forum can move you to tears, especially accounts from new sufferers who are still very scared. There is a rage in me about this because we have to seek help for dealing with this anxiety and it should just be offered to us. The response from doctors is very disappointing.