- Oct 2, 2014
- 283
- Tinnitus Since
- 07/2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Loud Noise, Ear Infection, TMJ
Hello Everyone,
I feel like I need to just vent a bit and post in a safe place where people would understand, give support and not judge.
As most people know on the board here, I have moderate T (A loud hiss in both ears, and a small ring in my right) and mild H. Recently over this past month I was actually feeling pretty good. I was getting used to the new spike in my T and was sleeping pretty normally. I was trying to get out and expose myself to sound by taking long walks in the park by my house, and would go out on small odd jobs with my parents to get myself used to noise once again. My H actually started to lessen as well, and while I am still waiting to hopefully start the audio part of TRT soon, I felt that I was on the road to recovery....
The Spike
Then yesterday, I was doing my usual routine of leaving one area of the park, and crossing to a small 4 -way intersection to get to the other side of the park on the other side of the road. I crossed the road, and started walking up the street on the other side of the road when suddenly a big road sweeping truck was driving towards me.
For a second it took me a minute to realize what it was - then about half a block in front of me, the truck pulls over on my side of the street and starts cleaning the road with its loud sweepers and vacuums going. For a split second I looked and had nowhere to really go as there was a large fence next to me, and even if I ran back to the crosswalk I would have to wait at the light to get away from the truck - which it would have then caught up to me. So in that moment I realized I would just have to plug my ears and try and get by the truck.
The furthest that I was able to get away was about 20 feet and I just took my fingers and pressed them firmly against the Tragus (flap of skin in the ear) to create a good seal and then just power walked by the truck as it passed me. I walked a bit further to check the sound and I moved my left ear open a bit, and then realized it was still a little to loud and then closed it again. Finally after a little bit longer, I opened up my ears and I was able to dart into the park and away from the road.
I ended up skipping the second half of my walk in the park and just cut through it and went back home. Once I got in the house I noticed that the hissing was louder. I tried to stay calm and just tell myself that this happens often when I've been back out in the world and it usually settles down, and that I was focusing on my T, that when I plugged my ears the truck didn't sound that loud so it must have at least blocks 30db and put that sound in the "safe zone"... etc....
But as the night went on, it was still persisting. Then finally when I tried to go to bed that night it was really loud. The ring in my right hear was louder and more constant, and the hissing in my left ear was louder. I tried going to sleep, but just flip-flopped and I only slept about an hour or two. I am now back to where I was before about 3 months ago where I wasn't really able to sleep without some sort of sleeping medication. To go back to this, especially after being able to sleep well is just depressing.
How I'm feeling...
I am trying to stay calm to the best of my ability and after a good cry I feel a bit better. For the past 5 months I have been waiting to officially get my H diagnosed (next week FINALLY!) and have been pretty careful and watched my activities when I ventured outside.
If this spike sticks around, then it will be my second one in 5 months (since I originally had the big one and onset of H in the summer.)
I just feel sad, angry, frustrated and just wondering how much is enough, how more am I able to take? I won't lie, for the first time in awhile I had some real dark thoughts regarding my future and how I am able to go on and return to school. Even if I am able to get a job after completing school, am I really going to be able to find one that will allow me to work and still fit within the safe guards of my T and H.
I also have a very wonderful girl friend right now who has been pretty supportive of me, however she is quite a driven young woman - and I fear that it's only a matter of time where if I am not able to return to school for a longer period, that I will instead become dead weight and she will end it with me.
I know that with any recovery, @Dr. Nagler talks about how setbacks are to be expected and I was ready for them! I tried to just push myself in a safe matter by having audio playing at home and going to "safer" environments and which was helping my H. It's just very frustrating, and sad. I just turned 26 and I feel like my life is over before it really began....
I apologize for the long message on here. But I just wanted to get this out of my system in a place where people would understand what I am going through right now, and the feelings that I am feeling and not judge.
Thank you very much for listening everyone. I hope to start with smaller steps that will hopefully turn into bigger ones once again!
Cheers,
Kris
I feel like I need to just vent a bit and post in a safe place where people would understand, give support and not judge.
As most people know on the board here, I have moderate T (A loud hiss in both ears, and a small ring in my right) and mild H. Recently over this past month I was actually feeling pretty good. I was getting used to the new spike in my T and was sleeping pretty normally. I was trying to get out and expose myself to sound by taking long walks in the park by my house, and would go out on small odd jobs with my parents to get myself used to noise once again. My H actually started to lessen as well, and while I am still waiting to hopefully start the audio part of TRT soon, I felt that I was on the road to recovery....
The Spike
Then yesterday, I was doing my usual routine of leaving one area of the park, and crossing to a small 4 -way intersection to get to the other side of the park on the other side of the road. I crossed the road, and started walking up the street on the other side of the road when suddenly a big road sweeping truck was driving towards me.
For a second it took me a minute to realize what it was - then about half a block in front of me, the truck pulls over on my side of the street and starts cleaning the road with its loud sweepers and vacuums going. For a split second I looked and had nowhere to really go as there was a large fence next to me, and even if I ran back to the crosswalk I would have to wait at the light to get away from the truck - which it would have then caught up to me. So in that moment I realized I would just have to plug my ears and try and get by the truck.
The furthest that I was able to get away was about 20 feet and I just took my fingers and pressed them firmly against the Tragus (flap of skin in the ear) to create a good seal and then just power walked by the truck as it passed me. I walked a bit further to check the sound and I moved my left ear open a bit, and then realized it was still a little to loud and then closed it again. Finally after a little bit longer, I opened up my ears and I was able to dart into the park and away from the road.
I ended up skipping the second half of my walk in the park and just cut through it and went back home. Once I got in the house I noticed that the hissing was louder. I tried to stay calm and just tell myself that this happens often when I've been back out in the world and it usually settles down, and that I was focusing on my T, that when I plugged my ears the truck didn't sound that loud so it must have at least blocks 30db and put that sound in the "safe zone"... etc....
But as the night went on, it was still persisting. Then finally when I tried to go to bed that night it was really loud. The ring in my right hear was louder and more constant, and the hissing in my left ear was louder. I tried going to sleep, but just flip-flopped and I only slept about an hour or two. I am now back to where I was before about 3 months ago where I wasn't really able to sleep without some sort of sleeping medication. To go back to this, especially after being able to sleep well is just depressing.
How I'm feeling...
I am trying to stay calm to the best of my ability and after a good cry I feel a bit better. For the past 5 months I have been waiting to officially get my H diagnosed (next week FINALLY!) and have been pretty careful and watched my activities when I ventured outside.
If this spike sticks around, then it will be my second one in 5 months (since I originally had the big one and onset of H in the summer.)
I just feel sad, angry, frustrated and just wondering how much is enough, how more am I able to take? I won't lie, for the first time in awhile I had some real dark thoughts regarding my future and how I am able to go on and return to school. Even if I am able to get a job after completing school, am I really going to be able to find one that will allow me to work and still fit within the safe guards of my T and H.
I also have a very wonderful girl friend right now who has been pretty supportive of me, however she is quite a driven young woman - and I fear that it's only a matter of time where if I am not able to return to school for a longer period, that I will instead become dead weight and she will end it with me.
I know that with any recovery, @Dr. Nagler talks about how setbacks are to be expected and I was ready for them! I tried to just push myself in a safe matter by having audio playing at home and going to "safer" environments and which was helping my H. It's just very frustrating, and sad. I just turned 26 and I feel like my life is over before it really began....
I apologize for the long message on here. But I just wanted to get this out of my system in a place where people would understand what I am going through right now, and the feelings that I am feeling and not judge.
Thank you very much for listening everyone. I hope to start with smaller steps that will hopefully turn into bigger ones once again!
Cheers,
Kris