Do you know how much Pegasos costs? Probably a waste of time for me anyway.Pegasos is out of the question. Without my parents' cooperation it will be a waste of money, stupid for Pegasos to demand it as I'm an adult, but whatever.
A high building should suffice but I can't seem to bring myself to one. I have made up my mind, I just can't live with the severe tinnitus and hearing issues. Also, I'm too young to have the same hearing issues of someone with severe hearing loss while I have a normal audiogram and EHF thresholds and ABR. I guess it's all synaptopathy which is weird as it wasn't even gradual.
Also these physical issues, they don't even make sense — adding to my already unbearable suffering. Another year with me not understanding human speech and I will get Alzheimer's disease anyway.
I'm just torturing myself by not offing myself... can't do nothing with my life anyway. I sometimes kind of feel for myself for having to throw a life away when a bright future was ahead of me, and because of what?!? Working in a cafe?!? How can your brain suddenly cease processing speech with no substantial hearing loss/noise exposure?
But I made peace with my reality months ago.
At this point i sound like a broken record.. i guess it will continue to be like this until i finally have the courage to be done with this life, as things won't get better.. they haven't for over a year. Hearing and ear issues can really be enigmatic in some cases.
I think a high building will have to suffice for me. I'm too young for these physical disabilities. I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to. I'm terrified for the future. I just have to decide on a date.
I'm so young. Only 21. I'm so tired of this. I'm so terrified all of the time. I can't sleep without powerful sleeping pills. The anxiety is unbearable. And tinnitus just worsens. It gets worse after social outings. Happened today, even though I hadn't been to a social outing in a while. I'm so tired.