Suicidal

[Stuart-T]

It's been 2 days and it's at crazy new levels. Literally getting worse by the hour at this point. With this rate of progression I don't see how I have a choice. No human can live with these sounds. My whole body is vibrating from the intensity.

I remember your case. "It started with a kiss..." yes there is a song - can't recall, some 80s singer.

Anyway, sounds like you are going through a very tough time - I have had recent spikes and I'm aware that this crazy condition can anytime just go completely insane no matter what you do. I do have some go to remedies when I get spikes. Fasting, cutting down on sugar, very long walks seem to help. Maybe you should walk around with yellow foam earplugs if you have reactive tinnitus. Mine reacts to concert level sounds but I seem to be ok with everyday sounds and street sounds - so far.

Suicide is likely the end of everything - even if you have some kind of religious faith, death must still give you some pause for consideration. There is always hope but you need to be doing some kind of self help because the medical people seem not to know what to do. I can imagine how concerned and sad your parents are. I have a son who is 20 at university - I would be devastated if he told me he had unbearable tinnitus and couldn't do anything. I would have it to spare him as I have more or less lived my life. I have warned him about tinnitus - loud noises etc - and he knows I have it so I hope he is careful.

Well good luck and I hope you can get some improvement in your condition soon.

 

[Theezy]

I remember your case. "It started with a kiss..." yes there is a song - can't recall, some 80s singer.

Anyway, sounds like you are going through a very tough time - I have had recent spikes and I'm aware that this crazy condition can anytime just go completely insane no matter what you do. I do have some go to remedies when I get spikes. Fasting, cutting down on sugar, very long walks seem to help. Maybe you should walk around with yellow foam earplugs if you have reactive tinnitus. Mine reacts to concert level sounds but I seem to be ok with everyday sounds and street sounds - so far.

Suicide is likely the end of everything - even if you have some kind of religious faith, death must still give you some pause for consideration. There is always hope but you need to be doing some kind of self help because the medical people seem not to know what to do. I can imagine how concerned and sad your parents are. I have a son who is 20 at university - I would be devastated if he told me he had unbearable tinnitus and couldn't do anything. I would have it to spare him as I have more or less lived my life. I have warned him about tinnitus - loud noises etc - and he knows I have it so I hope he is careful.

Well good luck and I hope you can get some improvement in your condition soon.

Thank you, I truly appreciate the empathy and advice from someone who has seen the ugly sides of this. I am holding on for dear life for my family (and of course myself) and I want nothing more than to make it to the other side even though I can't see how right now.

 

[Aussie Lea]

I want nothing more than to make it to the other side even though I can't see how right now.

You won't see it now, but 12 months from now you will wonder how you even considered suicide. Life will again be beautiful. Hang in there.

 

[Tweaker]

Theezy, I can only imagine your pain right now.

Mine is pretty torturous right now. Even at its worst I try to walk, but I live near countryside so it's easy for me. I forced myself to pick up my classical guitar and spent an hour trying to remember a piece I knew very well at one time. Amazingly after playing gently, my tinnitus temporarily lowered a bit, which gave me some joy.

I hope you are able to find some distraction or are able to do something you once enjoyed, even if you don't feel like it right now. Maybe your tinnitus has reached its limit for there must be a limit and it may start improving. Take care.

 

[PeteJ]

I have a horrible spike from a fire alarm. I shouldn't have been in my building - so mad at myself!

I posted to ask - if you already have loud/severe tinnitus and then get acoustic trauma/exposed to a fire alarm - how long did your spike last?

It's already the next morning and still going.

I read on here of people worried about setbacks. Me too. Typical days and usual state (you guys call "baseline?" is already bad).

I had to cancel an important appointment because of this.

The spike is more intrusive and loud than usual - mostly my right ear and a combo of buzzing/ringing.

My doctor won't give me steroids. I took Magnesium bisglycinate, Vitamin C and Zinc. I don't know if any of those will help. :-(

The alarm came on suddenly and I plugged my ears as fast as I could. So, I was exposed to the alarm sound for around 2-3 seconds. There was a pause for a second and I put on my ear muffs which were close by. Then the alarm sound resumed. Even so, the spiking is indescribable. :-(

It was difficult to concentrate while typing this.

 

[Tweaker]

I have a horrible spike from a fire alarm. I shouldn't have been in my building - so mad at myself!

I posted to ask - if you already have loud/severe tinnitus and then get acoustic trauma/exposed to a fire alarm - how long did your spike last?

It's already the next morning and still going.

I read on here of people worried about setbacks. Me too. Typical days and usual state (you guys call "baseline?" is already bad).

I had to cancel an important appointment because of this.

The spike is more intrusive and loud than usual - mostly my right ear and a combo of buzzing/ringing.

My doctor won't give me steroids. I took Magnesium bisglycinate, Vitamin C and Zinc. I don't know if any of those will help. :-(

The alarm came on suddenly and I plugged my ears as fast as I could. So, I was exposed to the alarm sound for around 2-3 seconds. There was a pause for a second and I put on my ear muffs which were close by. Then the alarm sound resumed. Even so, the spiking is indescribable. :-(

It was difficult to concentrate while typing this.

I have had this happen in the past. Spike settled within a week.

 

[Tweaker]

Thank you, I truly appreciate the empathy and advice from someone who has seen the ugly sides of this. I am holding on for dear life for my family (and of course myself) and I want nothing more than to make it to the other side even though I can't see how right now.

Theezy, how are you doing? If you are struggling with sleep, you should consider meds to help. Sleep is so important when battling tinnitus and good sleep often helps reduce tinnitus. I know people have differing opinions on benzos but if you are feeling desperate, they can sometimes calm things down to get through a tough spell. Speak to a doctor. Keep us posted. You are not alone.

 

[PeteJ]

I have had this happen in the past. Spike settled within a week.

I hope it's like that for me too, then.

Usually, when I wake up after a nap or sleep, the tinnitus volume is a bit reduced before it transitions to the 'usual baseline.' But, when spiking, that doesn't happen.

I just woke up and it's the loud spiking when I wake up. So, I'm really worried. It's day 3.

Also, I could have avoided the alarm by staying away from the building for the entire day - which I usually do. It costs me gas $ and my time, but I do it.

I went back too early. So stupid!

I also 'pad up' up the 'alarm vent" but I didn't re-apply (it was taken down since inspectors might go in). I am so pissed at myself! Damn!!!

I hope the spike is temporary! This is too loud for a baseline! I think the fire/smoke alarms are the worst (I shield myself from sirens by wearing earplugs anytime I'm walking near/along streets).

 

[dan]

I have a horrible spike from a fire alarm. I shouldn't have been in my building - so mad at myself!

I posted to ask - if you already have loud/severe tinnitus and then get acoustic trauma/exposed to a fire alarm - how long did your spike last?

It's already the next morning and still going.

I read on here of people worried about setbacks. Me too. Typical days and usual state (you guys call "baseline?" is already bad).

I had to cancel an important appointment because of this.

The spike is more intrusive and loud than usual - mostly my right ear and a combo of buzzing/ringing.

My doctor won't give me steroids. I took Magnesium bisglycinate, Vitamin C and Zinc. I don't know if any of those will help. :-(

The alarm came on suddenly and I plugged my ears as fast as I could. So, I was exposed to the alarm sound for around 2-3 seconds. There was a pause for a second and I put on my ear muffs which were close by. Then the alarm sound resumed. Even so, the spiking is indescribable. :-(

It was difficult to concentrate while typing this.

That's why I won't go into an apartment building. They are an accident waiting to happen. I got my onset tinnitus from a building.

 

[Theezy]

Theezy, how are you doing? If you are struggling with sleep, you should consider meds to help. Sleep is so important when battling tinnitus and good sleep often helps reduce tinnitus. I know people have differing opinions on benzos but if you are feeling desperate, they can sometimes calm things down to get through a tough spell. Speak to a doctor. Keep us posted. You are not alone.

Thanks for checking in. I appreciate it. Overall I'm not doing great, the tinnitus and hyperacuss are still crazy and the tinnitus continues to get worse as the days go by. Anything louder than a quiet room will set it mad. Sleep is a silver lining for me, I can usually knock out with only some Melatonin. The instability and general progression of the condition is by far the hardest part.

 

[Tweaker]

Thanks for checking in. I appreciate it. Overall I'm not doing great, the tinnitus and hyperacuss are still crazy and the tinnitus continues to get worse as the days go by. Anything louder than a quiet room will set it mad. Sleep is a silver lining for me, I can usually knock out with only some Melatonin. The instability and general progression of the condition is by far the hardest part.

That's good that Melatonin works for you. Nothing less than a sledgehammer to knock me out during bad tinnitus. Focus on makings sure you keep getting sleep. Hope you improve at some point soon.

 

[PeteJ]

I have had this happen in the past. Spike settled within a week.

Four days so far. I thought I had instances in which the spike kind of subsided VERY briefly but it was so short and temporary... I am so depressed that it hasn't improved yet.

It's difficult to describe but the spike is also 'aggressive and chaotic' - the # of tones are chaotic and hectic... - this is typical of my spikes - which makes it worse along with the loud volume, of course. :-(

 

[Stuart-T]

Four days so far. I thought I had instances in which the spike kind of subsided VERY briefly but it was so short and temporary... I am so depressed that it hasn't improved yet.

It's difficult to describe but the spike is also 'aggressive and chaotic' - the # of tones are chaotic and hectic... - this is typical of my spikes - which makes it worse along with the loud volume, of course. :-(

It should settle back. The decibel level from a fire alarm is not enough to inflict long term damage on the ears but it has triggered a spike which could last a few weeks.

 

[Samwise_The_Loud]

Hey All,

I'm in the mild/severe camp of just tinnitus with a fresh spike underway, but I've certainly been suicidal at times even before tinnitus. Just wanted to say that I read what's posted on this thread, and I am sure I am not alone in my reading and in saying that each of you are counted in my prayers. I wish very much that we all find peace and healing. I live alone, and don't plan on being with someone or having children. This condition has made me choose to do that, and the constant fear and noise does grind my soul. Safe to say it's been very difficult, and I know that even then I'm not the worst case out there.

But I try to have hope in any case, I chose my profile picture as for me it is the most hopeful image I can conjure. It reminds me that hope and light cannot exist without darkness, and it reminds me that finding that most desperate hope to fend off the darkness with grim fortitude is one of the hardest and greatest human endeavors we can ever face. It is utterly brutal at times and has tested me to mental limits I never knew even existed.

So it is no mean task to even live in our situation, and by sticking around we at least give ourselves a chance to try again every day.

Wishing you all well,
Sam

 

[Shizune]

Feeling stupid right now.

I got some mushroom bars from a friend, since I had very good luck with Psilocybin improving my hyperacusis back in July before I took the cursed Stamets stack that magically made me worse, dropping my PC volume from the all-time high of 18 back down to 10 and staying there since.

I just took two microdoses and noticed an immediate drop in tolerance, 10 is now intolerable to me. Not even the setback "jump" and "cutting" feeling, just the "everything is louder" kind. I've mentioned how there always seems to be this pattern of supplements or things working well for me, stopping, then reversing to make things worse because my brain stops accepting them. NAD, GABA, L-Tryptophan, now this I guess.

At the same time though the Topamax stopped working it seems. I no longer get the insane mental health side effects and my hyperacusis isn't as stable. Is my brain reversing this again? Is this like a mini withdrawal? Am I crazy? Why does my brain just hate everything that goes into me?

I have no idea what to do. I really hate juggling and gambling with meds and supplements now and I wish I could stop all of them. I feel like an idiot for thinking shrooms were going to be the same magic bullet they were back then and I fear I just caused myself a permanent setback, after being pretty much in the same spot for the last 3 months. It seems there is just no way out of this no matter what I do, and that even is with having weaned off protection.

And naturally, audiologists still will not listen to a damn thing I say when I tell them that my mental state and anxiety has never affected my hyperacusis severity. Why is it that I was a miserable wreck for weeks, with actual anxiety for once, but my hyperacusis was fine. But now I am back to being calm and neutral, but my hyperacusis sucks once again? It's never been correlated to me. As if they'd listen though. It's just talking to a brick wall with a doll pull string.

 

[Jerad]

audiologists still will not listen to a damn thing I say when I tell them that my mental state and anxiety has never affected my hyperacusis severity.

Ya... oddly, we can't listen to audiologists most of the time. Their knowledge on hyperacusis — especially noxacusis — is about the same as the average bartender's knowledge on physics... unqualified by ignorance. Anxiety takes the blame because of that. It's a go-to explanation for something they don't understand, like when people said the world was flat eons ago. More often than not, audiologists fail to realize that anxiety is a symptom of these disorders and not the actual cause. Even when you tell them that X caused your problem (and you're certain of it), they'll look at you wide-eyed and say you're wrong. Our desires to find genuine solutions to these problems are foiled by their disruption, not just personally, but systematically, too. We expect more from a society that believes expectations are already met or are not needed.

 

[Damocles]

I have no idea what to do. I really hate juggling and gambling with meds and supplements now and I wish I could stop all of them. I feel like an idiot for thinking shrooms were going to be the same magic bullet they were back then and I fear I just caused myself a permanent setback, after being pretty much in the same spot for the last 3 months. It seems there is just no way out of this no matter what I do, and that even is with having weaned off protection.

@Shizune, would it be possible to wean yourself off all the medications and supplements you're taking, slowly?

From what I'm reading, it sounds like you might benefit from detoxing and allowing your body to rebalance itself.

Using a programming analogy: taking one drug to counteract a side-effect of another (with the exception of well understood medical intervention) is essentially editing without testing, edited and untested code, until it resembles nothing like the original sequence and no longer delivers any recognisable function.

My approach in your situation would be to "dry out" and take time to reequilibrate with the intention of restoring default settings. Then you can go from there, experimenting with anything that might improve your situation.

I appreciate this might not be possible in your case of course. I'm aware that some people are subject to what is effectively a symbiosis with a particular medication they'll have taken for years, and the taper too risky. But if I thought any medication had screwed me up (even just a little), I'd be inclined to stop everything and go to ground for a while; ride out the hell of the comedown (spike(s) included).

And naturally, audiologists still will not listen to a damn thing I say when I tell them that my mental state and anxiety has never affected my hyperacusis severity. Why is it that I was a miserable wreck for weeks, with actual anxiety for once, but my hyperacusis was fine. But now I am back to being calm and neutral, but my hyperacusis sucks once again? It's never been correlated to me. As if they'd listen though. It's just talking to a brick wall with a doll pull string.

This is 90% of the human species (maybe 80%, if I'm being generous). Expect nothing more, nothing less, and maybe on occasion you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Shizune]

Ya... oddly, we can't listen to audiologists most of the time. Their knowledge on hyperacusis — especially noxacusis — is about the same as the average bartender's knowledge on physics... unqualified by ignorance. Anxiety takes the blame because of that. It's a go-to explanation for something they don't understand, like when people said the world was flat eons ago. More often than not, audiologists fail to realize that anxiety is a symptom of these disorders and not the actual cause. Even when you tell them that X caused your problem (and you're certain of it), they'll look at you wide-eyed and say you're wrong. Our desires to find genuine solutions to these problems are foiled by their disruption, not just personally, but systematically, too. We expect more from a society that believes expectations are already met or are not needed.

The thing is I am not a noxacusis sufferer so I want to believe that mine is more brain-related, not ear-related, and that calming my nervous system would actually benefit my case. But mental-health wise I've found absolutely no correlation.

That said, I could probably benefit from some relaxation techniques, but again, the whole "hyperacusis is worse when you're anxious" stuff has just never been truthful to me. When I tell them this their eyes just glaze over.

@Shizune, would it be possible to wean yourself off all the medications and supplements you're taking, slowly?

From what I'm reading, it sounds like you might benefit from detoxing and allowing your body to rebalance itself.

Using a programming analogy: taking one drug to counteract a side-effect of another (with the exception of well understood medical intervention) is essentially editing without testing, edited and untested code, until it resembles nothing like the original sequence and no longer delivers any recognisable function.

My approach in your situation would be to "dry out" and take time to reequilibrate with the intention of restoring default settings. Then you can go from there, experimenting with anything that might improve your situation.

I appreciate this might not be possible in your case of course. I'm aware that some people are subject to what is effectively a symbiosis with a particular medication they'll have taken for years, and the taper too risky. But if I thought any medication had screwed me up (even just a little), I'd be inclined to stop everything and go to ground for a while; ride out the hell of the comedown (spike(s) included).

This is 90% of the human species (maybe 80%, if I'm being generous). Expect nothing more, nothing less, and maybe on occasion you'll be pleasantly surprised.

I'm skeptical to stop the meds just because I feel like my next goal should be trying to do both Topamax and some other drug I saw on a study here. I had just started up on meds again after being largely med free for years so I'm thankfully not at the point where I'm on a cocktail where I am counteracting a bunch of them (hope I don't have to get back to that point). I don't really know if my body is even at that point where it needs rebalancing or not just because I haven't had much in my system at all for awhile, other than things like B vitamins.

That said, I feel like I should stop while I'm still on the lowest dose before I do get to the point where I need to taper, but I'm not sure if waiting it out to experiment with other meds would be worth it for my case or not.

 

[Travis Henry]

Before tinnitus, I wouldn't have in a million years dreamed of suicide; it didn't make sense why you would willingly trade in this life. Even with mild/moderate tinnitus, life was great and the condition was only a minor annoyance. Unfortunately the T decided normal mild/moderate levels were not enough for me.

If it were one increase that stabilized I could approach this more productively. However over the last 2 months I have found myself in a free fall. The first increase 2 months ago I thought was bad, but I'd work to habituate again. Since then I made some progress, but slowly the tinnitus became worse and worse. Normal sounds can raise my baseline, hence the "free fall". Silverware dropping on a granite counter raised it, driving raised it, a family dinner raised it, and last night a fork scraping the wrong way on a plate raised it an amount that seems impossible from such a typical sound, I struggle to believe what I am experiencing, yet I cannot deny it. These are not spikes that fade, it is all stacking and my new baseline is absolutely screaming, it's many many times more intrusive and loud than my initial increase. It's so intense that my body feels like it vibrates with the low rumbling, and the high screeching seems to be accompanied by agonizing burning facial pain.

I optimistically started TRT and therapy at the beginning of this ramping up, but it has gone so far in the opposite direction since then that those feel like putting a bandaid on a decapitated head. I could work with even extreme tinnitus if it stayed stable, but this keeps getting significantly worse at least once a week. Habituation unfortunately doesn't work when you have a few days to adjust before it increases again. I can't understand what is happening, and it feels like I keep getting curbstomped into the ground when I start to slightly be able to breathe again. I am now moved back in with my parents and I feel terrible they see me this way. I had such a fulfilling life before this. I exist almost as a zombie holding on to a hope that seems almost delusional at this rate. It's as if I am fighting the hydra that grows back two heads for every one I cut off. My trend strongly suggests I will continue getting worse. This is not me being emotional, this is me looking at the fact that my tinnitus has been rapidly worsening over the past months and does not yet show any signs of stopping. I am already well beyond my breaking point, and I need something to break to the upside soon. My life is painful and miserable at the moment but I truthfully do not want to kill myself at all. I want to survive this for myself and for my family and friends. I simply don't know how I will be able to if it continues to decline.

I feel you so much here. I can't do anything without worsening.

 

[Hottopic29]

I'm tired of severe tinnitus and the ear aches from it. I just keep living doing things but am limited on a lot. I've been using the maskers daily for 8 months just to add a bit of ambient sound to the tinnitus that is louder then the maskers. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired. My tinnitus is louder than a lawn mower. I miss stable mild tinnitus.

 

[tpj]

I'm tired of severe tinnitus and the ear aches from it. I just keep living doing things but am limited on a lot. I've been using the maskers daily for 8 months just to add a bit of ambient sound to the tinnitus that is louder then the maskers. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired. My tinnitus is louder than a lawn mower. I miss stable mild tinnitus.

I've said similar things. How I wish I had my old tinnitus back. It's funny how we think about this. We don't say I miss or I wish for no tinnitus. We say I miss or wish for stable, mild tinnitus.

 

[dan]

My wife has variable moderate to severe tinnitus.

Sometimes she says it's so loud she has a hard time hearing when I talk to her.

However, she sleeps like a baby. She is lucky she has zero hyperacusis and so she can give a fuck about loud muscle car traffic noise or any noise...

 

[tpj]

My wife has variable moderate to severe tinnitus.

Sometimes she says it's so loud she has a hard time hearing when I talk to her.

However, she sleeps like a baby. She is lucky she has zero hyperacusis and so she can give a fuck about loud muscle car traffic noise or any noise...

I find that so interesting. To have such loud tinnitus but no hyperacusis. I would love to be able to not give a fuck about noise. Sigh.

 

[Kriszti]

My wife has variable moderate to severe tinnitus.

Sometimes she says it's so loud she has a hard time hearing when I talk to her.

However, she sleeps like a baby. She is lucky she has zero hyperacusis and so she can give a fuck about loud muscle car traffic noise or any noise...

She doesn't have any fear seeing your severity? Not giving an F about loudness may make her end up worse.

 

[Stuart-T]

She doesn't have any fear seeing your severity? Not giving an F about loudness may make her end up worse.

I have read so many stories about mild/medium manageable tinnitus becoming extreme that I avoid any kind of loud noise situation and I also plug my ears when motorbikes or ambulances go past in the street.

I think a lot of sufferers don't quite get this thing with noise. I read about a man who took his wife and children into his car - turned up his car HiFi to top volume and said - this is the level of my tinnitus.

That to me is reckless as he exposed his wife and children to excessive noise and potentially worsened his own condition.

 

[Jerad]

With severe tinnitus and noxacusis, we know what it's like to be prisoners now... to be confined to an 8 by 6 foot cell. Growing up, we never dreamt we'd face such a fate, unless we robbed a bank, of course, or did something especially heinous. Who knew, though, that malfunctioning ears could render the same outcome; could turn the world on its head in such a merciless way. It's a crazy, sadistic truth.

Sometimes, I think these conditions are even worse than prison, though, because (A.), in prison, your quality-of-life is arguably better. You get social time, quiet; you work, shower, read; you talk to people. There's no pain from sound; no screaming tinnitus. Severe sufferers are unable to do most of those things listed above.

(B.), in prison, there's a chance your sentence will end or parole will come, or you'll even escape the damnation somehow. I guess there's a chance for that stuff, too, with our problem, but there's also a chance it's a life sentence. It's all so scary and unknown... what we're really up against.

(C.) In prison, you're part of society's order. You're where you belong, not forsaken. With severe tinnitus and noxacusis, though, you're not — you're abandoned from society and in isolation. You're not a part of anything, really. You're caught in a state of limbo with no ability to exercise a sense of purpose. With prison, we're enslaved to a building and a box, essentially. With this, we're enslaved to our own bodies. Our bodies go everywhere in life, no matter where we go. Buildings don't. They're just a construct, apart from us. It's a disgusting thought, though: that an imprisoned, homicidal maniac — or even a serial killer — might have a better quality-of-life than a severe tinnitus and noxacusis sufferer. What a world.

 

[Nick47]

Whilst listening to my bilateral high-pitched fizzing the following happened:

My left ear tinnitus stopped for 2 seconds and I thought I'd lost my hearing, THEN the loudest EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for 10 seconds.

I laughed and thought if this persists, I'm jumping off a bridge as it's not livable.

Luckily it went quickly. Fucked up, ey?

 

[dan]

She doesn't have any fear seeing your severity? Not giving an F about loudness may make her end up worse.

Her tinnitus is not affected by noise whatsoever. Zero, zilch. Her tinnitus is in her head, not ears.

When her tinnitus gets very loud, she listens to an iPod for distraction.

Her tinnitus isn't noise induced. It's partially stress induced and she also suffers from migraines, so it's a different type of tinnitus.

 

[Johan82]

My left ear tinnitus stopped for 2 seconds and I thought I'd lost my hearing, THEN the loudest EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for 10 seconds.

I laughed and thought if this persists, I'm jumping off a bridge as it's not livable.

Luckily it went quickly. Fucked up, ey?

@Nick47, that is called fleeting tinnitus.

 

[kingsfan]

Her tinnitus is not affected by noise whatsoever. Zero, zilch. Her tinnitus is in her head, not ears.

When her tinnitus gets very loud, she listens to an iPod for distraction.

Her tinnitus isn't noise induced. It's partially stress induced and she also suffers from migraines, so it's a different type of tinnitus.

Oh damn I guess I've got the double whammy - in my ears AND head along with migraines.