Suicidal

[dan]

Question: How can I fall in love with my tinnitus?
Can we learn to love it???

 

[Orions Pain]

Question: How can I fall in love with my tinnius?

Make sure she/he has a good personality.

 

[Orions Pain]

@serendipity1996 did you experience any sort of "pop" sensation when your tinnitus/hyperacusis set in? I don't mean like crackle or anything but like a significant, loud, single pop?

 

[Kriszti]

Question: How can I fall in love with my tinnius?
Edit: can we learn to love it???

Don't know. My tinnitus is way too clingy for my taste. I'd definitely swipe left, if I had the choice.

Tried to fool my mind that it's okay, it's not bad, it's just a background music, nothing more, but no matter how hard I try to twist the narrative, the screeching sound remains awful and lately a new sound joined the party.

Today has been rough. The sounds and the anxiety are messing with my head. And I can't say how much I hate that I can't even cry in order to unwind a bit, because crying seems to exacerbate the volume.

 

[serendipity1996]

@serendipity1996 did you experience any sort of "pop" sensation when your tinnitus/hyperacusis set in? I don't mean like crackle or anything but like a significant, loud, single pop?

No I didn't - my hyperacusis onset was more a gradual process but it's interesting you say that because I have read about some people experiencing that right before their hyperacusis kicked in - I recall people saying it felt like something popped or snapped in the ear.

 

[MrCrybaby]

She'll care if I get a diagnosis from a doctor.

As a warning, LDL and ABR testing are both pretty loud tests. OAE and audiogram are much quieter. If you have been recovering, there is a risk of having a setback. If you do the LDL test don't push yourself to cope with more sound than you can handle.

Good luck, getting your family on board is the hardest part. I reached a big turning point with my mom when she understood I was is pain.

 

[PeteJ]

The number of tones screaming right now makes me want to fucking off myself anytime now and my left ear is still in pain.

I hate reading the treatments/research section here because I think it's bullshit. None of it has helped anyone with severe tinnitus and the entire thing is a lost cause.

 

[Orions Pain]

As a warning, LDL and ABR testing are both pretty loud tests. OAE and audiogram are much quieter. If you have been recovering, there is a risk of having a setback. If you do the LDL test don't push yourself to cope with more sound than you can handle.

Good luck, getting your family on board is the hardest part. I reached a big turning point with my mom when she understood I was is pain.

Yeah my plan is to stop the moment it gets slightly uncomfortable. They're supportive but 3 months in I'd like to stop hearing the phrase "self diagnosis".

 

[RishRamsey]

Question: How can I fall in love with my tinnitus?
Can we learn to love it???

Nah you can't. Anyway I don't need to love it. I hate enough things in my life and can definitely add tinnitus/hyperacusis to it.

 

[Sevv]

Dark thoughts going through my head, becoming more and more fleshed out.

Getting tinnitus because you just want to have fun like everyone else. After years of working at your emotional problems, trying to become self-reliable.

Fighting your way back and get VS. Still grateful that both conditions are mild, even if life limiting.
Trying to do my best to protect myself (to the point of being ridiculous). Still make mistakes eventually and make it worse. Getting exposed to further unpredictable noise, another setback on top of the first one within three weeks only. All hope for improvement gone. 10 months in, another about 60 to go for a possible cure. Will probably get worse anyway. Why even continue if fate hates you? It's just so demotivating... Never been a fighter, difficult to become something you never were. Difficult to stay concentrated on my job, feeling as if all my intelligence has just been drained. Always feared becoming stupid because intelligence was one of my few stand-out qualities.

I feel like just lying in my bed, unmotivated to get up, having strange dreams while sleeping. Being convinced that the end is lurking around.

I am tired of trying and still failing.

Guess I'll try to get through this lethargy for today. Maybe I can start to build some motivation again.

 

[RishRamsey]

Dark thoughts going through my head, becoming more and more fleshed out.

Getting tinnitus because you just want to have fun like everyone else. After years of working at your emotional problems, trying to become self-reliable.

Fighting your way back and get VS. Still grateful that both conditions are mild, even if life limiting.
Trying to do my best to protect myself (to the point of being ridiculous). Still make mistakes eventually and make it worse. Getting exposed to further unpredictable noise, another setback on top of the first one within three weeks only. All hope for improvement gone. 10 months in, another about 60 to go for a possible cure. Will probably get worse anyway. Why even continue if fate hates you? It's just so demotivating... Never been a fighter, difficult to become something you never were. Difficult to stay concentrated on my job, feeling as if all my intelligence has just been drained. Always feared becoming stupid because intelligence was one of my few stand-out qualities.

I feel like just lying in my bed, unmotivated to get up, having strange dreams while sleeping. Being convinced that the end is lurking around.

I am tired of trying and still failing.

Guess I'll try to get through this lethargy for today. Maybe I can start to build some motivation again.

What was the 2nd setback?

 

[Orions Pain]

Another day waking up with the menthol sensation all over my face. At this point this is beyond just Tinnitus. What is happening to me? I feel like I'm not even me anymore, like something terrible has taken over my body and is just taking me out. It just keeps getting worse and worse.

I don't know how much longer I'll be here.
It's the weekend so I have two long lonely days ahead of me. What do I do? I feel my vision deteriorating from looking at my computer all day.

I can't get relief from this cooling/burning. How is this even humanly possible, this kind of struggle.
No help, no end in sight .
The only end in sight is the one that I chose myself.

 

[serendipity1996]

Another day waking up with the menthol sensation all over my face. At this point this is beyond just Tinnitus. What is happening to me? I feel like I'm not even me anymore, like something terrible has taken over my body and is just taking me out. It just keeps getting worse and worse.

I don't know how much longer I'll be here.
It's the weekend so I have two long lonely days ahead of me. What do I do? I feel my vision deteriorating from looking at my computer all day.

I can't get relief from this cooling/burning. How is this even humanly possible, this kind of struggle.
No help, no end in sight .
The only end in sight is the one that I chose myself.

It's utterly dreadful isn't it. The symptoms seem to have taken on a life of their own in my case and are not necessarily provoked by noise. Feel like I'm navigating a perpetual minefield. I'm supposed to be job-seeking atm (unemployed graduate living with my parents...) but I've honestly been struggling with my mental health - feel like I've become a shut-in.

I actually managed to shoot off an email earlier to Myriam Westcott, one of the most renowned researchers into tinnitus, hyperacusis, TTTS, and acoustic shock disorder who has a lot of experience in treating patients. Have asked her what can be done to address the pain if this setback doesn't resolve - I know she recently had a patient who experienced significant relief from painful hyperacusis symptoms with a stellate ganglion block and another user on this forum recently got it and has had a good experience with it. It's still pretty niche but encouraging results nonetheless... I'm honestly grasping at anything here.

 

[Orions Pain]

It's utterly dreadful isn't it. The symptoms seem to have taken on a life of their own in my case and are not necessarily provoked by noise. Feel like I'm navigating a perpetual minefield. I'm supposed to be job-seeking atm (unemployed graduate living with my parents...) but I've honestly been struggling with my mental health - feel like I've become a shut-in.

I actually managed to shoot off an email earlier to Myriam Westcott, one of the most renowned researchers into tinnitus, hyperacusis, TTTS, and acoustic shock disorder who has a lot of experience in treating patients. Have asked her what can be done to address the pain if this setback doesn't resolve - I know she recently had a patient who experienced significant relief from painful hyperacusis symptoms with a stellate ganglion block and another user on this forum recently got it and has had a good experience with it. It's still pretty niche but encouraging results nonetheless... I'm honestly grasping at anything here.

I am so sorry you're having to struggle with this this much too. I totally remember the post grad job search struggle - I went through it myself a little over 3 years ago.

I'm now at the point where I just had a serious talk with my mom and I might be quitting my job and moving home. Being in the city around healthy, vibrant young people is only bringing me down and reminding me of the life I used to have. My work isn't dangerously loud but certain aspects of my office have been aggregating me and it's getting to the point where my mental health is suffering even more.

If hyperacusis is some kind of nerve damage, I'm sure even more damage to the CNS being in constant fight or flight mode won't help. Perhaps you being at home is the best thing right now. Work will always be there, our health won't.

I've been looking into possible treatments I can explore down the line as well. That sounds fairly optimistic and I've recently learned there may also be a surgical option for H that doesn't seem to dissipate after years and years.

 

[dan]

I'm now at the point where I just had a serious talk with my mom and I might be quitting my job and moving home. Being in the city around healthy, vibrant young people is only bringing me down and reminding me of the life I used to have. My work isn't dangerously loud but certain aspects of my office have been aggregating me and it's getting to the point where my mental health is suffering even more.

Glad you took my advice... (thank me later)

 

[Orions Pain]

Glad you took my advice... (thank me later)

I hope I'm making the right decision.

 

[GoatSheep]

I hope I'm making the right decision.

Giving your ears time to rest is a good choice.

 

[MrCrybaby]

Another day waking up with the menthol sensation all over my face. At this point this is beyond just Tinnitus. What is happening to me? I feel like I'm not even me anymore, like something terrible has taken over my body and is just taking me out. It just keeps getting worse and worse.

I don't know how much longer I'll be here.
It's the weekend so I have two long lonely days ahead of me. What do I do? I feel my vision deteriorating from looking at my computer all day.

I can't get relief from this cooling/burning. How is this even humanly possible, this kind of struggle.
No help, no end in sight .
The only end in sight is the one that I chose myself.

Try wearing a plug to sleep or, if you have a worse ear, sleeping with your bad ear into the pillow. Fans and such going on all night might be irritating you without you realizing.

 

[Contrast]

Yo guys let's celebrate. the suicide thread is on page 100!

 

[Orions Pain]

Try wearing a plug to sleep or, if you have a worse ear, sleeping with your bad ear into the pillow. Fans and such going on all night might be irritating you without you realizing.

My fan is very very small and I have it on a "white noise" setting. It's in my floor. I also sleep with my TV on, could this aggregate hyperacusis?

 

[Orions Pain]

No I didn't - my hyperacusis onset was more a gradual process but it's interesting you say that because I have read about some people experiencing that right before their hyperacusis kicked in - I recall people saying it felt like something popped or snapped in the ear.

My ears definitely felt super sensitive in the days following the pop but it's progressed a lot in the last few months. At this point I'm just simply intrigued at what can cause your ear to pop like that.

 

[Orions Pain]

 

[Sevv]

Does anybody else of you have weird ass dreams? I had three more this night (maybe a sign that I still get REM-sleep...). They are long, jumble together thoughts in a weird, uncomfortable way, always underpinned by a feeling of worry, insecurity. I expect them to go when my worry goes down but man they're weird. It feels odd that I haven't seen this reported, despite me being far from having the greatest issues.

 

[Kriszti]

Does anybody else of you have weird ass dreams? I had three more this night (maybe a sign that I still get REM-sleep...). They are long, jumble together thoughts in a weird, uncomfortable way, always underpinned by a feeling of worry, insecurity. I expect them to go when my worry goes down but man they're weird. It feels odd that I haven't seen this reported, despite me being far from having the greatest issues.

Do you take any sleeping aid? Melatonin can cause very vivid dreams.

 

[MrCrybaby]

My fan is very very small and I have it on a "white noise" setting. It's in my floor. I also sleep with my TV on, could this aggregate hyperacusis?

Those are all noises that could certainly aggravate your ears. I personally find white noise to be harsh on my ears and I never use it. I would suggest trying a quiet river sound or fireplace sound video (my personal favourites) that will cut off after an hour or so. That way it lulls you to sleep but doesn't blast you all night.

 

[serendipity1996]

My ears definitely felt super sensitive in the days following the pop but it's progressed a lot in the last few months. At this point I'm just simply intrigued at what can cause your ear to pop like that.

Yeah it's completely baffling. The only respite I get from my symptoms is when I am asleep - I have a brief period of 30 mins - 1 hour upon waking up when my ears feel like they have 'reset' overnight but then the symptoms resume after a while. I haven't left my house in nearly a week at this point so the symptoms aren't even provoked by noise. Feeling so hopeless.

 

[Harley]

The fact that this is the most popular thread on Tinnitus Talk kind of speaks for itself.
Because as of right now, there are still only 2 options available to severe/catastrophic sufferers:

1) Continuous 24/7 inhumane suffering in complete isolation, with no care and no help available.

2) Death.

At the severe end of the spectrum, this is quite possibly the most horrid condition a human being can be exposed to, as nobody wants to die over something so senseless, pointless and idiotic as this POS condition.

But nobody wants to live like this either, as the sub-human existence with severe/catastrophic tinnitus cannot be called life even with the most optimistic of intentions.

What remains is just completely overwhelming sense of disbelief, that something this bad is even possible (or even allowed to exist in nature), without violating some kind of a universal law about unnecessary torture.
The fact that the medical community is not taking this seriously is simply unbelievable, as this level of tinnitus should be considered a medical emergency.

I never had much faith in the medical establishment, but I always thought that there have been at least some medical advances made to cut down on people's suffering, when it comes to incurable conditions.

There are literally dozens of different pain killers and other drugs to help the dying with pain, some countries even offer the end of life option.

Tinnitus sufferers have nothing to help them cut down the noise, which to me is worse than any pain I had ever experienced (I'm no stranger to pain).

Not one single thing, except for the bad joke attempts, such as the "at least you still have your legs" from their clueless ENTs and family doctors.

 

[serendipity1996]

Scared beyond belief at this point. The burning/cooling sensation has been constant and unrelenting today. I haven't left my house in a week. My ears felt worse than ever. I thought recovery was within grasp but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. Idk what's happening.

 

[Tweedleman]

Does anybody else of you have weird ass dreams? I had three more this night (maybe a sign that I still get REM-sleep...). They are long, jumble together thoughts in a weird, uncomfortable way, always underpinned by a feeling of worry, insecurity. I expect them to go when my worry goes down but man they're weird. It feels odd that I haven't seen this reported, despite me being far from having the greatest issues.

Every single night. If it's not an outright nightmare, it's a bizzare uncomfortable dream underpinned by feelings of worry or dread like you've pointed out. Still somehow preferable to being awake.

 

[Orions Pain]

Scared beyond belief at this point. The burning/cooling sensation has been constant and unrelenting today. I haven't left my house in a week. My ears felt worse than ever. I thought recovery was within grasp but things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. Idk what's happening.

Have you tried an anti-inflammatory diet to see if that helps? I hate to be one of those "diet" people, but it's something I've been wanting to test out to see if it helps a tiny bit. If it is some sort of nervous system inflammation, perhaps it will take the edge off a tiny bit :/ my ears are burning right now too but I can't tell if it's because I have ear plugs in or not. The back of my neck also feels like there's cold wind blowing on it