Suicidal

[PeteJ]

I attempted on Christmas but chickened out lol.

There are some crisis counseling websites that use chat windows instead of using a phone, which could help. But I think suicide hotlines personally are a joke. As with most therapy. It's all the same methods. Repeating back what's wrong with you, saying "that must make you feel pretty darn lousy, huh?"

I guess for some, talking about things can make them feel better. But when you just talk about it constantly and realize talking is the only thing you can do, you can't help but get a bit jaded when there's no solution.

And, as was mentioned in this thread before, god forbid you mention you're sad or anxious in any way involving this. People will stick to that like glue.

It sucks. But don't throw in the towel just yet. Let's see what results come for the next few months in terms of drugs in the pipeline. Plus you're still very early on and there's no way to know things won't even out.

Suicide hotlines can't lower tinnitus so I don't know why people urge others to use them here. It's bizarre.

 

[Contrast]

I think it's a good thing when people with chronic health problems disconnect from reality and focus their everything on a hobby/hobbies. They just need a life time supply of disability income to keep them sustained. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this CBT and behavioral therapy stuff if it didn't focus on disciplinary reformation for vocation, or harmful controversial loudness desensitization therapies that are poorly researched.

Also it will make a lot people feel better if they do not feed on Joyce's pessimistic philosophy.

She is right about MRIs, re-exposures to loud noise, and headphones making it worse. But the thing is only a few people (very small minority) get worse by sound desensitization therapies. I know it's a concern but she is beyond paranoid and treats everyone as if they are a severe risk candidate. I know from personal experience that noxacusis can go away with time, and as long as you never go to concerts ever again in your life you'll be fine.

There are two extremes that should be rejected.

Paranoid that everything is going to trigger permanent setbacks.

Or a perfectionist regenerative fairy-tale will take place with full cures and we will be able to go to rock concerts again.

 

[dan]

Sorry I keep posting but does anyone else have people in their lives that wronged them, and they get to live happily ever after and you're stuck like this? It seems like life kicks my ass constantly and rewards everyone else. And I hate it.

Yes, same here, but we will be rewarded in the afterlife, while them others will be rotting in hell.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I think it's a good thing when people with chronic health problems disconnect from reality and focus their everything on a hobby/hobbies. They just need a life time supply of disability income to keep them sustained. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this CBT and behavioral therapy stuff if it didn't focus on disciplinary reformation for vocation, or harmful controversial loudness desensitization therapies that are poorly researched.

Spot on Contrast. Perfectly articulated.

 

[Shizune]

Yes, same here, but we will be rewarded in the afterlife, while them others will be rotting in hell.

Knowing my luck the arbiter will be like "Remember when you stole a pack of cheezits from 7/11?" And I'll be right down there with them.

I think it's a good thing when people with chronic health problems disconnect from reality and focus their everything on a hobby/hobbies. They just need a life time supply of disability income to keep them sustained. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this CBT and behavioral therapy stuff if it didn't focus on disciplinary reformation for vocation, or harmful controversial loudness desensitization therapies that are poorly researched.

I'm trying to use this time to dedicate myself to personal projects and hobbies I didn't have time for before, and maybe commission work if it gets to that point. I can't help but feel down for being back in the unemployed shut-in position though because I took so long to get out of it. I wanna ride the wave and somehow get disability (seems impossible though) but I can't help but feel ashamed of it.

I have people breathing down my neck telling me to find a job, and I've no doubt if I tried to pursue therapy again they'd shame me for not having one. I barely have any marketable skills as is. That plus not being able to use phones...

Maybe it's time to feign insanity.

 

[Pulsing Ear]

Suicide hotlines can't lower tinnitus so I don't know why people urge others to use them here. It's bizarre.

Plenty of people suffer from tinnitus but don't even consider suicide. Having them talk with a professional or someone else that tried to commit suicide can help them mentally deal with the noise. Everyone's ability to deal with the condition is different.

 

[Kriszti]

Plenty of people suffer from tinnitus but don't even consider suicide. Having them talk with a professional or someone else that tried to commit suicide can help them mentally deal with the noise. Everyone's ability to deal with the condition is different.

But why would someone who doesn't consider suicide benefit from talking to people who attempted to commit suicide because of tinnitus? I may be lost in translation, but this doesn't really seem logical to me.

 

[__nico__]

1 day closer to inevitable suicide.

I wish I could engage in my hobbies to distract myself but I just can't anymore. My illness took all of my hobbies and all of my life away. I've really stopped caring about anything and I'm just not going to guilt myself into not committing suicide anymore.

 

[Zugzug]

Plenty of people suffer from tinnitus but don't even consider suicide. Having them talk with a professional or someone else that tried to commit suicide can help them mentally deal with the noise. Everyone's ability to deal with the condition is different.

I think the problem is that tinnitus is subjective and undoubtedly with varying degrees of severity. Of course, the same is also true with hyperacusis. If someone with mild hyperacusis, that wasn't progressive, counseled me on not committing suicide, I'm not sure it would help that much. It's also true that people have different capacities for habituation (for tinnitus), but again, we don't always know whether it's their habituation strategies or that the tinnitus tone and volume is just less intrusive.

I always come back to hope. One needs some sort of hope to keep going. Severe hyperacusis is not a life worth living.

I feel like if I recover, I may have an obligation to post my story since a lack of hope is a big driver of my suicidal thoughts. Currently, there are no success stories that resemble my problem. My audiologist, who has training for hyperacusis, says my situation is highly unique. My top rheumatologist and otologist say my problem is rare. There's only so much a therapist can say with regards to "not thinking straight".

On the other hand, people who are new to hyperacusis should never consider suicide in the early days as they often get better. A suicide hotline or therapist may be really helpful for this person.

 

[Daniel Lion]

1 day closer to inevitable suicide.

I wish I could engage in my hobbies to distract myself but I just can't anymore. My illness took all of my hobbies and all of my life away. I've really stopped caring about anything and I'm just not going to guilt myself into not committing suicide anymore.

Hi Nico,

As a general rule before one pulls the plug...

You have to give it 2 to 3 years before making that decision.
A lot will likely change for the majority of people, it just happens slowly. There's lots of evidence of that here including myself.

Hold on for dear life and know your not alone. Get some drugs if necessary.

Peace be with you Nico,
Daniel

 

[Marin]

Hyperacusis has taken so many things from me... music, my job, my freedom, and worst of all my children. I never would have guessed that my ears would be the ones to kill me. I must have done something horrendous in a past life to deserve this torture.

 

[Contrast]

I must have done something horrendous in a past life to deserve this torture.

Back when I was a child, I did horrible horrifying things to small reptiles. Now, I'm paying for it. No need to look into a past existence explanation.

 

[Ava Lugo]

Hyperacusis has taken so many things from me... music, my job, my freedom, and worst of all my children. I never would have guessed that my ears would be the ones to kill me. I must have done something horrendous in a past life to deserve this torture.

I understand. How can everyone else I know avoid the torture but me!?

 

[Jrblovsky]

Why couldn't I get low tone tinnitus - every day I wince at this fucking screeching - it's like when someone scuffs the sole of their shoe on a linoleum floor, that one instant of high pitch noise when you recoil but turned into a weaponized, unceasing agony.

Trust me, the low frequency shit isn't any better. Maybe at very low where you have rumbling or something. Mine is 500 Hz or 600 Hz of roaring/whirring along with the high pitched shit too. God this shit is hell.

 

[GBB]

Another trash day where my tinnitus is taking over my life. I wish I just had a static ringing - instead, it's waves and waves of dynamic, changing, debilitating noise. I feel more and more like this is a brain issue and I'm going nuts. It's like loud noise now creates a hyper highway directly to my brain, and my brain is in spasms.

I'm so jealous of people for whom this is just an annoyance. My family has begun to lose patience with me and now I don't dare complain - I just need to endure it by myself, but it's so hard.

I don't even know how regenerative medicine would help me - it seems like my brain is just damaged. I want to believe it can go back to normal but honestly, I have doubts.

 

[Shizune]

Another trash day where my tinnitus is taking over my life. I wish I just had a static ringing - instead, it's waves and waves of dynamic, changing, debilitating noise. I feel more and more like this is a brain issue and I'm going nuts. It's like loud noise now creates a hyper highway directly to my brain, and my brain is in spasms.

I'm so jealous of people for whom this is just an annoyance. My family has begun to lose patience with me and now I don't dare complain - I just need to endure it by myself, but it's so hard.

I don't even know how regenerative medicine would help me - it seems like my brain is just damaged. I want to believe it can go back to normal but honestly, I have doubts.

I'm right there with you.

I got a new tone recently and I have no idea why, maybe because I tried to exercise last week, which is BS. I've been doing everything right but still, my ears continue to scream at me in at least 12 different voices now.

There are a few things that make me think it's my brain too. I'm praying I'm wrong but I just don't know. I wish I could be lobotomized.

 

[__nico__]

I'm honestly offing myself this weekend. Life just isn't worth it. I'm just putting this out there so people know how bad hyperacusis can get.

 

[ajc]

I'm honestly offing myself this weekend. Life just isn't worth it. I'm just putting this out there so people know how bad hyperacusis can get.

No you won't. Deep down you know you are going to wait at least 2 years to see if it gets better. Deep down your will to live surpasses the transient hope to die. Deep down you know that you only have this one shot at life. Deep down you don't want to miss out on it no matter how painful the existence can sometimes be.

 

[cruise]

To everyone, hang in there. Talk to someone. Get help. Things will change. You will see hope again. Give it time. Time will heal.

 

[shelbynn]

No it won't. Tinnitus is fucking forever. I've only been dealing with this for 2 months and I can't go on like this. I refuse to continue to be tortured. I'm killing myself this weekend.

 

[cruise]

How tinnitus makes you feel will change dramatically over time. In the early stages that is hard to imagine. But it will change. In my early stages, I too thought that my life as I knew it was over, I was soooo wrong!

 

[Kriszti]

No it won't. Tinnitus is fucking forever. I've only been dealing with this for 2 months and I can't go on like this. I refuse to continue to be tortured. I'm killing myself this weekend.

It is not my choice, but please, wait a bit more. You are in the acute phase, that's the worst. It may get better. Don't kill yourself just yet. There are plenty of stories here where even acute catastrophic tinnitus got better. Give yourself some more time.

 

[iwillbestrong]

@shelbynn don't kill yourself. He's right. It WILL get better. A month ago I was extremely stressed due to COVID and my tinnitus spiked SOMETHING FIERCE. Sounded like a fucking tea kettle next to my head while I was trying to sleep. I too had grim thought. Not even 2 months later I don't notice it unless I'm in a quiet area FOCUSING on it. It will get better hang in there

 

[MBH]

@Shelbylynn, life's not fair. And bad things happen to good people. But just to let you know, that state you're in, will diminish. The sound you hear will improve over time. And you will move forward, your inner strengths take over for you to move in your life.

 

[Chinmoku]

I'm honestly offing myself this weekend. Life just isn't worth it. I'm just putting this out there so people know how bad hyperacusis can get.

These posts break my heart. I feel like you.

Every. Single. Minute. Is. Pushing. Through. A. Battle.

My hyperacusis is minor but the tinnitus is so intrusive and horrid as to keep me agonizing. I push through every day with enormous effort but it's a lost battle. Every day it gets a little worse and by now it's constant torture. I look at my kids and try to help them with homework the little I can, but it's like cutting through torture 24/7 and I need to hide my agony but it's harder and harder. I feel like you. I don't know what I will do. Medications in clinical trials are too far away for me to hold on at this level of agony. Waiting 2-5 years in this state is impossible, the thought is ridiculous.
Having said that, hyperacusis often improves in a given time range like 6 months - 2 years so statistically it could be worth pushing through. I'm not telling you what to do, I respect your feelings, just saying that statistics might warrant holding on a little longer. I have been telling myself this a long time, even if I have only been worsening through time, but for hyperacusis stats are possibly better.

I would like to be able to do something for you and all friends in this thread, it really breaks my heart, but I can't even help myself.

 

[Chinmoku]

No it won't. Tinnitus is fucking forever. I've only been dealing with this for 2 months and I can't go on like this. I refuse to continue to be tortured. I'm killing myself this weekend.

It feels horrible. I'm 2 years and 4 months in and every minute I wonder how I made it this far, wondering if I'll make it to next week or month, sometimes even to tomorrow. However, I'm one of the bad cases and statistically this is a minor percentage. You could really habituate or improve a lot in a few months. I'm not telling you what to do but in terms of information, 2 months is very early and statistically it's much more likely than not that it may improve dramatically.

 

[DaysToWaste]

I too feel like I am one step away from giving up. But the thought that maybe in a few years things will be alright just won't let me. If there is something I have understood, it is that healing will NOT happen overnight. My ears helped me for many years of my life, it's my turn to help them, or at least try to.

Hang in there everyone!

 

[PeteJ]

It feels horrible. I'm 2 years and 4 months in and every minute I wonder how I made it this far, wondering if I'll make it to next week or month, sometimes even to tomorrow. However, I'm one of the bad cases and statistically this is a minor percentage. You could really habituate or improve a lot in a few months. I'm not telling you what to do but in terms of information, 2 months is very early and statistically it's much more likely than not that it may improve dramatically.

Same. But, I got worse so someone telling me "it might get better or you could habituate" doesn't register with me.

Those words don't help me but I wouldn't tell someone how to advise someone else. It would be interesting if there was a poll or data consisting of how many improved meaning lower tinnitus or lowering volume, tones or whatever. Notice, I didn't say habituation. To me, that is someone managing to cope despite their state of tinnitus/hyperacusis and not feeling like they could off themselves at any random time. That's not me either.

BUT, and this is a big but... suicide is final and it's difficult to do. It's risky per the method and unless, you are religious, you don't know what happens. You could be 'gone' and just not exist anymore. Damn, can't these researchers come up with a revolutionary treatment?!? :-(

I can't tell someone they will improve when I don't know but enough people will do that here so...

But, I will say as someone who has thoughts of suicide with severe tinnitus, I find it difficult to wrap my head around the finality of suicide. It's scary but the prospect of ending the torture and suffering is inviting but I would rather have a treatment that repairs the ear nerve/hair cells, repairs the cochlea and 'resets' the brain to affect the tinnitus, whatever 'improves' it. I can deal with an average life and don't want to die but I need hope that these researchers will actually do something. :-/

I don't know if that is useful at all but it's another angle.

 

[shelbynn]

I was improving until this week. My tinnitus went from being in both ears to silent in my left and now back in both ears. I don't know how to feel normal again, or to function. I think it spiked because I got really stressed out. I don't have any measurable hearing loss, and I even tested myself (not scientific or medical) and can still hear very clearly up to 17,000 Hz which apparently is great for someone my age. I don't know what I did to cause this, no loud noise... I don't know... the doctors couldn't tell me either. Even the "tinnitus specialist" didn't know what caused mine but somehow he's of the mindset I have a shot of it going away on its own but couldn't promise anything. The other doctors told me just to live with it.

I feel like the longer I have this, the less likely it's going to go away. I'm learning that 2 months in tinnitus time is a blip but it feels like an eternity.

I know that life isn't certainly fair, I've survived a lot of awful shit in my life including child abuse and a partner who tried to kill me in adulthood. Even in those darkest hours I knew that I would survive and it wouldn't always be that way. And it wasn't. This, however... this may always be this way and I may never hear silence or know peace again

This is no quality of life, but I really appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. I know y'all know what it's like to live with this and aren't giving me bullshit. There are so many strong people on this website and you all are troopers for dealing with this for years.

Now that's it's back in my left ear, that noise is completely unmaskable. I'm done. I've called a suicide hotline 3 times this week, I have 2 therapists and nothing is helping me. Because nothing can help me. Nothing can take this noise out of my head. Life isn't worth it to me anymore. Reach out for help? What the fuck is that going to do? There is no help. You think I can afford a fucking tinnitus masker or Tinnitus Retraining Therapy? I live in fucking poverty working in non-profit.

I'm only 27 but I guess I've lived a long enough life. I will not live another fucking 50-60 years being tortured 24/7. It's inhumane of anyone to ask that of me.

 

[Ed209]

I'm so jealous of people for whom this is just an annoyance. My family has begun to lose patience with me and now I don't dare complain - I just need to endure it by myself, but it's so hard.

For me, this was the worst part. Family just don't get it, at all. There's nothing more demoralising than having someone tell you to get on with things when your brain is torturing you. It used to really piss me off. I think this is super common from what I've read on here, so you're not alone in that regard.

You seem to be following the same path as many of us. You are having times where you feel you're doing better and then your world comes crashing in again. I repeated this process over and over and over again. You take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. It's not a lineal journey at all. It's all over the place.

Try not to let the opinions of others bring your mood down when they don't understand. It's their problem and not yours. The sound is real, and if they could hear it too, then their opinions would change in a heartbeat.

Remember to try and keep your stress levels in check.