Suicide

[pytajnick]

Tonight It's worse than yesterday, yesterday it was worse than week ago, week ago it was worse than month ago and so on... New sounds, new volume, increased reaction, decreased sound tolerance.

Since yesterday I feel pain in both ears. And it's not hyperacusis pain. I can touch my left ear canal and it momentarily hurts.

My eardrums cracks everytime I yawn.

My tinnitus is so reactive that ANY sound makes it louder for hours and anything a bit louder makes it way louder for days or permanently.

Masking at night is impossible.

I am literally hurting myself with bare fists with frustration now. This thing made a pathetic parody of a human out of me in one year's time.

I am totally withdrawn from any social life. I am without a job for more than half a year. I am sitting alone in my room and can't even use my laptop or leave the house without the fear of making new damage. I don't remember when was the last time I had normal night's sleep. I actually getting less and less sleep. It's 2 am in my country now.

My family is abroad and I don't have hearth to tell them what's happening inside my head. What's the use anyway?

Not a single person, doctor did ANYTHING to make things easier for me. Because they are helpless. I don't see any hope. All the things that a man in weak mental condition should force himself to do made my condition worse!

Every single thing that I enjoyed in my life and is taken away from me and if I try to fool myself that the sound can't hurt me and engage in any everyday activity I end up worse than before. It only gets worse and why should I believe that for some magical reason it will suddenly start to get better?

I 've read dozens of success stories and was able to relate to them at the first 2-3 months but now I can't relate to no one being in my position and succeeded with habituation. How can you habituate to something that changes constantly week after week, day after day? It's like having the spike every freaking day!

I can't take it anymore. I don't want to die but at this stage the urge to stop suffering is stronger. Ps. To all members in this forum advising against so called "overprotection". I never exposed myself to sounds even remotely considered as being potentially harmful to healthy people but because of your advice I was exposed to sounds uncomfortable for me which eventually proved to be damaging.

At initial stages i was very weary about sound levels around me and used protection everytime I felt uncomfortable.

Only by reading TRT literature or some posts here I started to expose my self to sounds loud but never louder than 75-80 dB.

Whenever I was feeling like something is not right I was stupid enough to believe you these changes were part of "the natural process of healing".

Is this your healing? Every time you feel like giving this sort of advice have my case in mind.

 

[Bill Bauer]

At initial stages i was very weary about sound levels around me and used protection everytime I felt uncomfortable. Only by reading TRT literature or some posts here I started to expose my self to sounds loud but never louder than 75-80db.

It sounds like those sounds ended up being too loud, after all...

 

[GregCA]

@pytajnick - you list "unknown" as your cause for T. Have you gone down the diagnosis path? This flow chart can help guide you (and your doctors).
What have you found out about your T so far? (ie what tests, what results, etc)

 

[pytajnick]

It sounds like those sounds ended up being too loud, after all...

Yep. I wish I had known that before

 

[pytajnick]

@GregCA

Audiogram - fine
Oae - fine
MRI - fine
Blood pressure - fine
Thyroid - fine
Lyme disease - nope
Tympanometry - fine
Tried steroid sprays, sudafed, ginkgo, nac, magnesium, Turmeric, apple cider vinegar, 5htp, vinpocetine, magnolia balm, melatonin, inhalation, otovent, candida diet, meditation, and the whole bunch of other
supplements/strategies I can't recall. Tried numerous diy sound therapies ( but since I have sound reactivity... go figure Ps. There's nothing "magical" in wng's despite some people claim. I he a pair,cam can't use them without making my sound louder). I am having jaw surgeon examination next month due to my misalignment. I am considering neck examination as well. It's just... I took so many tests for no Vail. IIam just tired and my resources are obviously not unlimited.

 

[dpdx]

do you have acoustic trauma? did you listen to music loudly or attend loud concerts/gigs?

 

[dpdx]

what is oae?

 

[Bill Bauer]

If I had listened these sort of advices instead of others maybe I wouldn't ended being sentenced to isolation for the rest of my life

One possible outcome is that after a year or so your T might begin fading...

 

[GregCA]

Tried steroid sprays, sudafed, ginkgo, nac, magnesium, Turmeric, apple cider vinegar, 5htp, vinpocetine, magnolia balm, melatonin, inhalation, otovent, candida diet, meditation, and the whole bunch of other supplements/strategies I can't recall.

There are 15+ things listed there... how did you manage to try all this in a 1 year period? To isolate what works and what doesn't you have to take just one item for long enough to determine if there is a change or not.
If you mix experiments you won't know which compound is responsible for the change.

I'm not sure any of these can "move the needle" of T unfortunately.

Audiogram - fine

Do you feel comfortable posting it in here?
It's unfortunate but even if "fine" you could still be having "hidden hearing loss".

Also I see you didn't do any CT?

What does your T sound like? high pitch? low pitch? variable pitch? pulsatile? mix? how loud? Any patterns you noticed?

 

[GregCA]

what is oae?

Oto Acoustic Emissions.

 

[pytajnick]

do you have acoustic trauma? did you listen to music loudly or attend loud concerts/gigs?

Yes. I am positive that my condition is the effect of listening to music through earphones.

There are 15+ things listed there... how did you manage to try all this in a 1 year period? To isolate what works and what doesn't you have to take just one item for long enough to determine if there is a change or not.
If you mix experiments you won't know which compound is responsible for the change.

I'm not sure any of these can "move the needle" of T unfortunately.



Do you feel comfortable posting it in here?
It's unfortunate but even if "fine" you could still be having "hidden hearing loss".

Also I see you didn't do any CT?

What does your T sound like? high pitch? low pitch? variable pitch? pulsatile? mix? how loud? Any patterns you noticed?

I am sure that I have hidden hearing loss even if my audiograms are showing something different. One can tell if he has problems with discriminate speech in noise. As for my tinnitus characteristics - innitialy it was just a feint hum in left ear. After a year there are 6 different souds in both ears with two tonal ones which are especially frustrating because they are getting worse in a daily basis for about 2 months.

I know you can't tell if something is working or not if you try several different things at the time but after taking several supplements for prolonged time I would notice any improvement and by eliminating one by one I would see what's working and what's not. In my case during taking any supplement my condition was getting worse, so it was hard for me to stick to the regime.

I don't know if there is a point having CT scan if I had MRI twice already.

 

[dpdx]

Yes. I am positive that my condition is the effect of listening to music through earphones.

I am sure that I have hidden hearing loss even if my audiograms are showing something different. One can tell if he has problems with discriminate speech in noise. As for my tinnitus characteristics - innitialy it was just a feint hum in left ear. After a year there are 6 different souds in both ears with two tonal ones which are especially frustrating because they are getting worse in a daily basis for about 2 months.

I know you can't tell if something is working or not if you try several different things at the time but after taking several supplements for prolonged time I would notice any improvement and by eliminating one by one I would see what's working and what's not. In my case during taking any supplement my condition was getting worse, so it was hard for me to stick to the regime.

I don't know if there is a point having CT scan if I had MRI twice already.

If your tinnitus was caused by noise then why would you do an MRI. I got tinnitus from listening to the ipod loudly and by being at a concert.

 

[GregCA]

Yes. I am positive that my condition is the effect of listening to music through earphones.

Perhaps you could update your profile accordingly? I was misled by the "Unknown" statement listed under the causes for your T.

I don't know if there is a point having CT scan if I had MRI twice already.

CT looks at very different things from an MRI. With a CT you'll be mostly looking at bone structure. There's a good chance that it won't find anything, but it may be useful to rule out some conditions (otosclerosis, fistula, sccd...)

 

[pytajnick]

Perhaps you could update your profile accordingly? I was misled by the "Unknown" statement listed under the causes for your T.



CT looks at very different things from an MRI. With a CT you'll be mostly looking at bone structure. There's a good chance that it won't find anything, but it may be useful to rule out some conditions (otosclerosis, fistula, sccd...)

That's strange. I had MRI to rule out otosclerosis. That what my entire told me. Anyway, developing sclerosis in both ears within 3 months time? How likely it is? Possibilities of Perilymph fistula diagnosis are quite limited by any imaging studies to my knowledge. And last doctor I saw told ruled it out saying that my symptoms don't match. I would love to have any examination possible but I can't force doctors to do it and I can't afford doing it privately. An hour ago in act of desperation I put a sound of crikets on the phone to get at least minimum of sleep. It was mistake. Now my ears are screaming. I am slowly losing it.

 

[billie48]

I know you are suffering badly. Most of us have been there. You are having issue with hyperacusis alike symptoms. How long ago you have this reactive nature in your T. Depending on how unstable the ears are, people's recovery time frame can be different. I took 3 years to turnaround. One moderator I know in another forum literally cried for 2 years before he learned about CBT which began his turnaround. As far as I remember, Dr. Nagler took a few years, Kevin Hogan took a few years, Paul Tobey my first T mentor took 4 years. So don't push yourself with an ultimatum when you are first year in. Severe case of T takes longer of course but try to be patient with yourself and your T and possible H. The ears and the body need time to heal. If you often tell yourself 'get well or I would...', then it will only make the brain to amply this threat and zoom on it all the time, and this will make T worse at least in perception.

I don't have magic solutions or words for you but I hope you will try to accept your condition however hard for the time being. You should message people like Dan, Danny Boy, Telus etc. These folks have had bad T and some with bad H too. Danny Boy was here sharing his use of some meds which have helped him particularly his H. If you are truly desperate and are thinking suicide, perhaps you track them down and see if they have any advise for you. I feel your pain, brother. Take good care. God bless.

ps. Here is my success story with ultra high pitch T and severe H. Don't know if it will help you but hopefully you see some lights and be willing to give yourself more time.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

[Bassplayer]

That's strange. I had MRI to rule out otosclerosis. That what my entire told me. Anyway, developing sclerosis in both ears within 3 months time? How likely it is? Possibilities of Perilymph fistula diagnosis are quite limited by any imaging studies to my knowledge. And last doctor I saw told ruled it out saying that my symptoms don't match. I would love to have any examination possible but I can't force doctors to do it and I can't afford doing it privately. An hour ago in act of desperation I put a sound of crikets on the phone to get at least minimum of sleep. It was mistake. Now my ears are screaming. I am slowly losing it.

It sounds as though your anxiety is so high now that you may be stuck in fight or flight mode where hormones will be making all of your senses heightened along with your hearing?

It's like being stuck in a negative feedback loop where your fear of the T causes the perception of your T to get louder, the louder T then increases your anxiety levels..and so on. Something needs to break this vicious cycle.

If it is distressing you so much you are thinking of suicude, tell your doctor or phone emergency services/help line. Many of us here have been there. Your GP may be able give you something to help
bring your anxiety levels down,which will help reduce the volume of the T and start a positive change.

In the end it is about teaching the emotional part of the brain not to obsess about the noise or focus on it when you hear it. You can do this with a bit of will power. Then you should find you'll be able to reverse the negative cycle you are in so that minutes of not noticing it become hours, days, weeks, months...

I don't know if you have read my free book about my experiences 6 years ago but you may find a few things in it helpful. It's been put in the Success Story section.

 

[pytajnick]

It sounds as though your anxiety is so high now that you may be stuck in fight or flight mode where hormones will be making all of your senses heightened along with your hearing?

It's like being stuck in a negative feedback loop where your fear of the T causes the perception of your T to get louder, the louder T then increases your anxiety levels..and so on. Something needs to break this vicious cycle.

If it is distressing you so much you are thinking of suicude, tell your doctor or phone emergency services/help line. Many of us here have been there. Your GP may be able give you something to help
bring your anxiety levels down,which will help reduce the volume of the T and start a positive change.

In the end it is about teaching the emotional part of the brain not to obsess about the noise or focus on it when you hear it. You can do this with a bit of will power. Then you should find you'll be able to reverse the negative cycle you are in so that minutes of not noticing it become hours, days, weeks, months...

I don't know if you have read my free book about my experiences 6 years ago but you may find a few things in it helpful. It's been put in the Success Story section.

Yes. Anxiety definitely plays a role now. But after a year I can separate increased perception from increased volume. I'm worried that the stress which can be ototoxic made some more permanent damage during the last few days. I can no longer rationale to myself what is happening to me or find any hope. I am about to see a psychiatrist to get some drugs. I was able to avoid that till now but it seems that I can't handle it without them anymore. It's just another battle I lost during this year I guess. Problem is I don't really trust professionals anymore. Not a single Dr I've seen was able to help me or at least protect me from further damage. Even when I expressed my worries. How could i avoid worsening when doctors gave me advices that eventually brought me to this state?! Look like trt propaganda is strong. Those people don't have a clue.

 

[Sven]

Yes. Anxiety definitely plays a role now. But after a year I can separate increased perception from increased volume.

Are you sure, because I still can't do that with certainty after almost 19 years? The brain is a tricky bastard when it comes to T.

 

[Bassplayer]

Yes. Anxiety definitely plays a role now. But after a year I can separate increased perception from increased volume. I'm worried that the stress which can be ototoxic made some more permanent damage during the last few days. I can no longer rationale to myself what is happening to me or find any hope. I am about to see a psychiatrist to get some drugs. I was able to avoid that till now but it seems that I can't handle it without them anymore. It's just another battle I lost during this year I guess. Problem is I don't really trust professionals anymore. Not a single Dr I've seen was able to help me or at least protect me from further damage. Even when I expressed my worries. How could i avoid worsening when doctors gave me advices that eventually brought me to this state?! Look like trt propaganda is strong. Those people don't have a clue.

I'm not sure how you can separate the perception from the volume as it's the same thing in the end. It's a noise which is alarming you.

Don't forget that some people can have serious auditory damage or even complete deafness and not have T. Even if they do have T they can reach a stage where they forget they have it.

I'm getting the impression that you are having 'life issues' as well. I have no doubt that life issues affected or maybe even caused my T. You may find that planning a way forward with your life and acting on it, will help take the focus off your T and allow your brain time to rewire itself. While you are obsessed about it, it won't help.

Yes, medication may well help you, so get help and help yourself! Good luck and a man hug from here.

 

[Bassplayer]

It sounds like those sounds ended up being too loud, after all...

Maybe or maybe not! It could just as easily be fear from reading too much into the 'dangers of being exposed to loud noise'.

I still wear musicians ear plugs when I play in the band as a precaution. Nature heals but it doesn't judge. I don't think it's helpful to beat someone over the head about what MAY have caused it when they are already beating themselves over it.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@pytajnick Just a few thoughts. Having cracking sounds in ear from yawning may indicate a TMJ problem or arthrocentesis and this will cause high pitch ringing and T in both ears. Arthrocentesis has a easy treatment.

If your problem isn't ETD, inner ear, respiratory or allergic reactions then it could be jaw related. If it's jaw related, then there may be a connection to your C1 -C2 discs in neck. An injury to neck and or jaw from an accident like falling down or hitting head can take years to surface causing T & H. Some times no neck discomfort is present.

I would see your dentist as you mentioned. It's never a bad idea to get a simple X ray of your neck spine with tinnitus when the cause is unknown. Don't give up.

 

[pytajnick]

Are you sure, because I still can't do that with certainty after almost 19 years? The brain is a tricky bastard when it comes to T.

Several months ago I would agree. I remember after each worsening/new sound etc I was in innitial stage of despiar but after a while I would rationalize to myself that the sound couldn't harm me. "It was loud but not that loud". Even when I was able to hear the Tinnitus above the sounds that before the incident masked my T easly. When I look one year's back and compare my condition back there and now I am confident that having 8 different sounds in both ears (of which several are reactive) instead of one sound in one ear only + accidental pain in ear are not the things that you can call something possible due to increased awareness fueled by stress.

 

[pytajnick]

@pytajnick Just a few thoughts. Having cracking sounds in ear from yawning may indicate a TMJ problem or arthrocentesis and this will cause high pitch ringing and T in both ears. Arthrocentesis has a easy treatment.

If your problem isn't ETD, inner ear, respiratory or allergic reactions then it could be jaw related. If it's jaw related, then there may be a connection to your C1 -C2 discs in neck. An injury to neck and or jaw from an accident like falling down or hitting head can take years to surface causing T & H. Some times no neck discomfort is present.

I would see your dentist as you mentioned. It's never a bad idea to get a simple X ray of your neck spine with tinnitus when the cause is unknown. Don't give up.

Yes. I am pursuing this possibility. I am waiting for the visit with surgeon and fixing my bad teeth meanwhile (which as you can guess is another loud experience I need just now :/)
I even suggested my last ENT possible problem with ETD. He was absolete. Guess I need to consult someone else. Is arthrocentesis some sort of a suction of a liquid from middle ear? I don't have TMJ problems per se (pain in jaw ) but my jaw is visually misaligned.

 

[Bassplayer]

Several months ago I would agree. I remember after each worsening/new sound etc I was in innitial stage of despiar but after a while I would rationalize to myself that the sound couldn't harm me. "It was loud but not that loud". Even when I was able to hear the Tinnitus above the sounds that before the incident masked my T easly. When I look one year's back and compare my condition back there and now I am confident that having 8 different sounds in both ears (of which several are reactive) instead of one sound in one ear only + accidental pain in ear are not the things that you can call something possible due to increased awareness fueled by stress.

Being interested in sound and electronics etc I went through a process of analysing my T. I measured the changing frequencies and new sounds with an obsession.

Many people get white noise type tinnitus. White noise is a random combination of hundreds of frequencies. T does play tricks with the brain but the point is, do you want to keep obsessing about it or focus on other things more positive? Ir's a choice at the end of the day and one you may need to make every time you hear your T.

 

[glynis]

@pytajnick ,
You have been given lots of great advice to take on board .
Please talk with your doctor and get some talking therapy also and maybe meds for anxiety.
We are here also so reach out for support....
Love glynis x

 

[pytajnick]

@Greg Sacramento

I'm getting the impression that you are having 'life issues' as well. I have no doubt that life issues affected or maybe even caused my T. You may find that planning a way forward with your life and acting on it, will help take the focus off your T and allow your brain time to rewire itself. While you are obsessed about it, it won't help.

Most of my life issues are the effect of Tinnitus. Whats more worries which I had before the condition now I treat as joke comparing to this nightmare. You may have an impression that during this year all I was doing was just complaining and withdrawing from life. That's not the truth. I tried and still try to function "normally" but I just get damage after damage. It's always the same pattern - damage, despair, acceptance, slowly regaining confidence, habituation starting to kick in, BANG another damage and so on. After every worsening the sound is harder to ignore, potentially harmful sounds are softer which makes the list of things i can do smaller and smaller.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@pytajnick There's different terms for arthrocentesis, but basically it's is fluid from joint capsule - in your case your jaw joint hinge. When a slight bit of arthritis is involved there can be a very slight amount of fluid in the ear as well. The fluid can't be seen, but over time it can be seen as just dryness staining and it appears like it was a long ago ear infection. Some ENT's will brush this off just as an old infection.

 

[Bassplayer]

@Greg Sacramento

Most of my life issues are the effect of Tinnitus. Whats more worries which I had before the condition now I treat as joke comparing to this nightmare. You may have an impression that during this year all I was doing was just complaining and withdrawing from life. That's not the truth. I tried and still try to function "normally" but I just get damage after damage. It's always the same pattern - damage, despair, acceptance, slowly regaining confidence, habituation starting to kick in, BANG another damage and so on. After every worsening the sound is harder to ignore, potentially harmful sounds are softer which makes the list of things i can do smaller and smaller.

Any form of stress could be adding to your T. Have you had any counselling?

I had a few sessions during my panic stage. It did help me get a true picture of where I was in life. I even chatted to a few people at my local church just in case there was some 'spiritual' issues behind it (I'm not a regular church goer by the way or 'religious' in the conventional way).

Sometimes things happen in life which force us to focus on the bits left which do work and give us joy. It's the glass half full or half empty thing really. You are in a bad place at the moment but you will get over this hill so long as you want to and listen to tbe advice everyone has given you!

 

[pytajnick]

Being interested in sound and electronics etc I went through a process of analysing my T. I measured the changing frequencies and new sounds with an obsession.

Many people get white noise type tinnitus. White noise is a random combination of hundreds of frequencies. T does play tricks with the brain but the point is, do you want to keep obsessing about it or focus on other things more positive? Ir's a choice at the end of the day and one you may need to make every time you hear your T.

Like it was my decision to monitor it or not. As I said I have long episodes of not monitoring the T and forgetting about it for the whole weeks. It was the always the permanent increase that brought anxiety. I was making the effort of not monitoring every single time but when you eventually notice damage after damage after damage despite hard discipline to not monitor you eventually reach the wall. I am telling this as a person which believed and advocated for natural habituation for most of my initial stages. After a two months period, I was convinced that I was habituated. And when afterward my condition started to get worse I was convincing myself that it can't be true, that it's only my perception or imagination or as you said T is playing tricks on me. The first real doubt was when I acquired sound in my right, healthy ear after 3 or 4 months. I don't believe one can attach that sort of thing to the imagination. Anyway thanks for the response. Appreciate you're trying to help. I still believe that habituation is the real thing but I am also convinced that if for some reason underlying cause of Tinnitus progresses the T will also get worse regardless of your attitude.

 

[Ed209]

Tonight It's worse than yesterday, yesterday it was worse than week ago, week ago it was worse than month ago and so on... New sounds, new volume, increased reaction, decreased sound tolerance.

Since yesterday I feel pain in both ears. And it's not hyperacusis pain. I can touch my left ear canal and it momentarily hurts.

My eardrums cracks everytime I yawn.

My tinnitus is so reactive that ANY sound makes it louder for hours and anything a bit louder makes it way louder for days or permanently.

Masking at night is impossible.

I am literally hurting myself with bare fists with frustration now. This thing made a pathetic parody of a human out of me in one year's time.

I am totally withdrawn from any social life. I am without a job for more than half a year. I am sitting alone in my room and can't even use my laptop or leave the house without the fear of making new damage. I don't remember when was the last time I had normal night's sleep. I actually getting less and less sleep. It's 2 am in my country now.

My family is abroad and I don't have hearth to tell them what's happening inside my head. What's the use anyway?

Not a single person, doctor did ANYTHING to make things easier for me. Because they are helpless. I don't see any hope. All the things that a man in weak mental condition should force himself to do made my condition worse!

Every single thing that I enjoyed in my life and is taken away from me and if I try to fool myself that the sound can't hurt me and engage in any everyday activity I end up worse than before. It only gets worse and why should I believe that for some magical reason it will suddenly start to get better?

I 've read dozens of success stories and was able to relate to them at the first 2-3 months but now I can't relate to no one being in my position and succeeded with habituation. How can you habituate to something that changes constantly week after week, day after day? It's like having the spike every freaking day!

I can't take it anymore. I don't want to die but at this stage the urge to stop suffering is stronger. Ps. To all members in this forum advising against so called "overprotection". I never exposed myself to sounds even remotely considered as being potentially harmful to healthy people but because of your advice I was exposed to sounds uncomfortable for me which eventually proved to be damaging.

At initial stages i was very weary about sound levels around me and used protection everytime I felt uncomfortable.

Only by reading TRT literature or some posts here I started to expose my self to sounds loud but never louder than 75-80 dB.

Whenever I was feeling like something is not right I was stupid enough to believe you these changes were part of "the natural process of healing".

Is this your healing? Every time you feel like giving this sort of advice have my case in mind.

You are still in the early days of tinnitus @pytajnick. Make no mistake, once T hits a certain level it is life changing, but gradually over time you can adjust and live an equally happy life.

Tinnitus varies on a daily basis for a lot of people - myself included. I had to make drastic changes to my life in order to adjust. How permanent these changes are remains to be seen, but I had to quit my band and playing live music. Music is my life, so this is no small thing. But, life has to go on so I sought out new challenges. Maybe one day I will return to it, who knows?

My point here is that I was crippled by this condition and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I have all the same symptoms you do, so believe me when I say you can turn your life around. It's just really hard and takes a long time. Don't put a timetable on your recovery either because it will just keep your mind preoccupied with T.

Your post shows that you are really anxious and stressed out. You need to tackle this head on because it is the driving force behind what's making you feel so down. Try and go out for walks, get some fresh air, exercise etc. Naturally boost your serotonin levels. Try taking up a new hobby that deeply interests you and is thought provoking. You need to get your headspace out of the noise and onto new things and let time take its course.

I wish you all the best.