Terrifying Tinnitus Spike Due to Fear and Grief

[Agrajag364]

I've been here for 2.5 years and have always had variable tinnitus with mostly moderate or quiet days and some very loud i.e. audible over everything but the shower.

In the last few months I've had an incredible spike that really demonstrates the relationship (for some people) between stress and fear and tinnitus.

A couple of sleepless nights due to very loud tinnitus and fear of the tinnitus caused me to make a disastrous decision in my personal life that has caused me enormous grief and depression.

Since that time my tinnitus has been off the charts loud which of course doesn't help anybody's mental state, resulting in a vicious circle of screaming tinnitus and worse grief and depression with intense fear.

They say you are supposed to make friends with this wretched condition and I understand why. This isn't true for everyone, but I always found the more relaxed I was and the less I viewed the thing as a threat, the more quiet days I was likely to have.

Yet now it was 100% this horrible condition that caused me to make a decision I regret so much that has caused me grief.

Every night I go to sleep wishing very intensely not to wake up. I have very strong suicidal ideation but taking the final step as poor Allan did is hard.

This condition is evil.

 

[ajc]

A couple of sleepless nights due to very loud tinnitus and fear of the tinnitus caused me to make a disastrous decision in my personal life

What did you do? Murder someone? Is it something you can't talk about to us?

 

[Agrajag364]

What did you do? Murder someone? Is it something you can't talk about to us?

Hahaha.

No.

Not that bad.

Something a lot of people wouldn't feel bad about but I do. And it was entirely because the fucking tinnitus threw off my decision-making.

 

[IreneO]

I'm sorry you're suffering, @Agrajag364. Spikes are the worst, but they do go away eventually. Stress exacerbates loudness, so do whatever you can to manage your stress and grief. And keep reminding yourself that this will pass - because it will.

 

[Agrajag364]

I'm sorry you're suffering, @Agrajag364. Spikes are the worst, but they do go away eventually. Stress exacerbates loudness, so do whatever you can to manage your stress and grief. And keep reminding yourself that this will pass - because it will.

The thing that really scared me is something slightly similar but not as bad happened to me five years ago and I never got over it. So I don't think it's going to go away, the grief. Which of course exacerbates the fear about the spike not going away. But I am so upset that I'm actually vomiting a lot of days so I guess it's not surprising the noise is spiking. Yes of course when it's very very loud it can really affect our mood and create a vicious circle.

 

[Agrajag364]

I've often wondered which is worse, tinnitus or depression. Depends entirely on the severity. I'd say severe depression is actually worse than very loud tinnitus. But loud tinnitus, if you're not wired to cope with it, can play such havoc with your life. They are very similar in many ways too.

 

[Agrajag364]

What did you do? Murder someone? Is it something you can't talk about to us?

Hey ajc, you really wanna know, pm me and I'll tell you

 

[Daniel Lion]

Hey ajc, you really wanna know, pm me and I'll tell you

I don't need to know my friend. But it's clear it's something you have got to let go. Thoughts come and go and are not true. We punish and flagellate ourselves to what end... what lesson or good comes of this. When you have a chance to stop grieving and lamenting... forgive yourself. We are human, we make bad calls. Show your self some love that you deserve, take deep breaths, let it go.

Easier said than done... I know.

 

[UKBloke]

Yet now it was 100% this horrible condition that caused me to make a decision I regret so much that has caused me grief.

I remember reading somewhere that depression is a regret of something that is in the past, and anxiety is a fear of what's to come in the future.

That's all well and good but think about it. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist.

You need to try and live in the, here and now, because that's all there is.

I know it's easy for someone like me behind an online avatar to say such things to you but these things are facts. How you let go of, or accept the grief for the past, and likewise accept the future for what it may be is the goal you need to set yourself.

It's going to be harder for you because you're suffering with tinnitus like me. But from what you're saying it sounds like you're caught in a tinnitus/depression cycle, and one is feeding the other. Quite frankly, at this point, it may be more straightforward for you to address the grief.

You need to consider talking to someone in real life (this is still possible via the NHS who can organise something online) who is trained to allow you to open up and release the emotional pressure inside. I'm sure once you find a little more equilibrium in that regard, the tinnitus will naturally calm down by itself.

 

[Agrajag364]

I remember reading somewhere that depression is a regret of something that is in the past, and anxiety is a fear of what's to come in the future.

That's all well and good but think about it. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist.

You need to try and live in the, here and now, because that's all there is.

I know it's easy for someone like me behind an online avatar to say such things to you but these things are facts. How you let go of, or accept the grief for the past, and likewise accept the future for what it may be is the goal you need to set yourself.

It's going to be harder for you because you're suffering with tinnitus like me. But from what you're saying it sounds like you're caught in a tinnitus/depression cycle, and one is feeding the other. Quite frankly, at this point, it may be more straightforward for you to address the grief.

You need to consider talking to someone in real life (this is still possible via the NHS who can organise something online) who is trained to allow you to open up and release the emotional pressure inside. I'm sure once you find a little more equilibrium in that regard, the tinnitus will naturally calm down by itself.

That is all very wise.

In these days of lockdown, I did have some Skype consults with a psychologist yes, as clearly in a vicious circle with the grief and noise. She said I was so analytical that she couldn't challenge my thinking patterns with CBT and she couldn't treat me.

There is definitely such a thing as thinking too much and this probably exacerbates our tinnitus as well.

 

[Agrajag364]

I don't need to know my friend. But it's clear it's something you have got to let go. Thoughts come and go and are not true. We punish and flagellate ourselves to what end... what lesson or good comes of this. When you have a chance to stop grieving and lamenting... forgive yourself. We are human, we make bad calls. Show your self some love that you deserve, take deep breaths, let it go.

Easier said than done... I know.

Your posts are often wise Daniel.

I'm Scottish, we don't do self-love.

 

[Star64]

Your posts are often wise Daniel.

I'm Scottish, we don't do self-love.

Well, just don't do anything DAFT!

 

[Tanni]

So sorry to see that you're struggling at the moment @Agrajag364.

Looks like we got our Tinnitus at the same time, and we are both having a truly terrifying spike at the same time. Here's hoping we can both be lucky and get over this soon.

Some really good advice from @UKBloke I think. It sounds like the psychologist you spoke with wasn't a good fit for you (and a bit of a lightweight if she can't handle any push back). Sometimes you have to speak with a few before you find the right one for your personality type -- it's all part of the process unfortunately. I didn't get on with CBT either, but I'm working with a Humanist therapist now and find this much better suited to me. Maybe this discipline will work better for you too?

I think it might really help you to discuss the traumatic incidents you have experienced with someone who's in a position to help you work through them, so I hope you keep on with trying to find a really good therapist/psychologist.

In the meantime, know that we are all rooting for you

 

[Agrajag364]

I know this is absolutely not the case for everyone but amongst those I'm aware of who got tinnitus around the same time as me there seems to be a big link between the those who had little non tinnitus stress in their lives and the noise going down.

 

[Ed209]

I've been here for 2.5 years and have always had variable tinnitus with mostly moderate or quiet days and some very loud i.e. audible over everything but the shower.

In the last few months I've had an incredible spike that really demonstrates the relationship (for some people) between stress and fear and tinnitus.

A couple of sleepless nights due to very loud tinnitus and fear of the tinnitus caused me to make a disastrous decision in my personal life that has caused me enormous grief and depression.

Since that time my tinnitus has been off the charts loud which of course doesn't help anybody's mental state, resulting in a vicious circle of screaming tinnitus and worse grief and depression with intense fear.

They say you are supposed to make friends with this wretched condition and I understand why. This isn't true for everyone, but I always found the more relaxed I was and the less I viewed the thing as a threat, the more quiet days I was likely to have.

Yet now it was 100% this horrible condition that caused me to make a decision I regret so much that has caused me grief.

Every night I go to sleep wishing very intensely not to wake up. I have very strong suicidal ideation but taking the final step as poor Allan did is hard.

This condition is evil.

Whatever has happened, Agrajag, you need to forgive yourself. Please don't torture yourself as I have in the past because it accomplishes nothing other than to make your situation a whole lot worse. I don't know what has happened but whatever it is you need to try and face up to it and own it. I've said this a thousand times before, but no matter how badly you're hurting right now, there is always a way back. We are all capable of returning from a hell that seems inescapable, but the process is slow and challenging, and as you have already said, all this extra stress you're putting on yourself will drive your tinnitus extra crazy. It's so easy to get caught up in a cycle of misery once everything turns to shit.

I hope you're getting real-life support from friends and family? If you ever need someone to talk don't hesitate to PM me. Don't suffer alone.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Your posts are often wise Daniel.

I'm Scottish, we don't do self-love.

When I was 19 I had a roommate from Glasgow. I didn't understand him for 2 months. We became best friends.
I sometimes write inspired bits, but I sure as hell have a hard time practicing what I preach.
Agrajag364, let's try ou best. Sending you a big hug. Stay warm and stay well. Hugggggsss

 

[Agrajag364]

Thanks for the kind words. I do have family and friends to talk to, I guess I'm lucky, but it's like trying to describe an elephant to a blind man. I don't want to encourage anyone else reading this who is on the edge… But I would be very very very glad to be dead right now. Life can be very cruel, both our bodies and minds seem to have a very impressive capacity to make us suffer. There is however a big gap between suicidal ideation and completion. It takes bravery which I don't think I have and also an ability to go into denial about the effect on one's loved ones.

 

[Agrajag364]

I'm aware all this is very selfish during the coronavirus outbreak. It may be tasteless but it is sad when people die who have everything to live for and those who would welcome death carry on.