The Closest You've Come to Tinnitus-Related Suicide?

[Philip]

Hi,

I've been on this merry-go-round of misery for 3.5years.

I am actually pretty fine with T at this stage but during the first 18months I almost topped myself through benzo, alcohol, dissociative addiction.

I suppose I'd like this thread as an example for people who are about to take their leave of us all.

I am very glad I never "successfully" took the jump.

I would like people to understand that the initial total despair does get easier after the first year。

Share opinions please

 

[linearb]

I've never gone much deeper than depressive suicidal ideation because any time that things have seemed completely unmanageable I've popped a benzo and felt at least somewhat better almost immediately. Benzos are a trap though; at this point I don't take them for any reason more than about once a month.

 

[Oli]

Im contemplating suicide almost every hour :/ The tought calm me as its an escape possibility. I dont know whats keep me going, maybe the impact my death could have to my environment. Im also having OCD and Im 23 so the combination make me in a state of agony. I think that my survival instinct is the thing thats keeping me alive and the curiosity to what will happen to the human race, its not sane but I wish that humanity can be punish for is arrogance, lack of empathy and wish to dominate

 

[hartje5]

I'm struggling every single day. Got myself off benzo's. Still on Remeron. Suicidal feelings come every couple of days. I'm very anxious. Have to take new medication for my heart with possible T. worsening (or not). Have not felt like myself since 4 december last. I'm afraid of my thoughts. My father took his life, so I freak out every time I feel suicidal. No free flirting with those thoughts for me. I have to trust this hell wil get better. Thank you for you're post. It gives me hope.

 

[Philip]

I never consciously decided heck I'll do it tonight.

The problem was the isolation from my wife, friends and family.

After allowing me to whine about it for a couple of months and getting everything checked out people didn't wanna hear about it anymore.

It was the whole "live with it, deal with it" catch phrase every T sufferer hates.

So I got pretty resentful and thought fuckem all!

I got a catalogue of psychedelics, uppers, dissociatives and benzos and dived right in.

I had some near misses, the worst one was where I couldn't sleep for days I was pretty manic at that stage. I just eye balled a heap of etizolam powder. Like 1mg of this powder is the same as a 10mg valium...god know how much I took.

I woke up 24 or more hours later to the noise of my father-in-law using tools to open the front door lock to get in and find me.

That was a horrible thing to do to my wife. She thought she was going to find a corpse.

Now all these years later I don't understand how the T send me so nuts.

It's still here but I don't tune into it 24/7.

3mg of Melatonin before bed and a masker help with the sleep issues.

I just want the newbies to know they are not alone.

The isolation one feels from having this disease is awful.

 

[Sam Bridge]

No where near. Yeah t sucks but to kill yourself over it? No way, not even close.

 

[Sgguy46]

i went to the hospital after one month of this hell and told them i was sucidal. I don't think i was really sucidal, i guess i had enough and wanted out , however, whatever way. To bad there is no out.

 

[Philip]

I think it feels quite shameful to admit to being brought down that low by this sickness.

I think quite a large number of people do have black moments or in my case unconsciously act out in a very self destructive manner because of sleeplessness and anxiety.

As I must reiterate the first year is hell if your T is loud and it does not allow you to sleep.

The sleep deprivation turns you inside out.

Rational thoughts are a distant memory.

However I must also emphasize do not try mask it daily with downers, anti anxiety meds or gabageric type drugs.

Once a month is fine. But if you become dependent you will go insane when you eventually have to withdraw.

Your tinnitus will roar in your ear for days on it. You'll wish to god your old T was back they way it was.

Try to relax, eat well, drink less,exercise more..

And try not take it so personal like the world just took a dump on you.

My resentfulness was a very pathetic way to deal with it. But I've learned to live happily with it as well as I can.

Most days I don't notice it until bed and I don't dread it anymore...I still don't like it but it's part of me now. Like a sore back or annoying acne...its just there.

 

[Oli]

For me its the combination of others ailments that made the tinnitus so unbereable and gives me suicide ideation. I was able to manage them before my onset but now Im back to my rathole and cant imagine living like this. If I was just having tinnitus its sure that I wasn't having these toughts

 

[Foncky]

No where near. Yeah t sucks but to kill yourself over it? No way, not even close.

There is T... and T.

And there is T + H + HL + constant ear pain. It does not only "suck" for some people.

 

[Sam Bridge]

There is T... and T.

And there is T + H + HL + constant ear pain. It does not only "suck" for some people.

I don't deny that at all. I am only speaking from my own experience with tinnitus.

 

[Vaba]

Every day, I am closer than the last. I can feel what little there is of my personality and brainpower rotting away as I try to escape the pain.

Meanwhile, my loving parents question why the years of their lives and the thousands of dollars they've spent haven't cured my pain - I try to explain to them that every doctor I've gone to tells me that there's "no reason" for me to have tinnitus, and that there's nothing they can do or recommend I do at home to lessen the symptoms.

In order to prevent myself from living another 60 years in pain, and to save my family's money, suicide is mathematically the most rational decision.

 

[Zora]

Hi Philip

you should write a success story.

 

[3ri0w]

Every day, I am closer than the last. I can feel what little there is of my personality and brainpower rotting away as I try to escape the pain.

Meanwhile, my loving parents question why the years of their lives and the thousands of dollars they've spent haven't cured my pain - I try to explain to them that every doctor I've gone to tells me that there's "no reason" for me to have tinnitus, and that there's nothing they can do or recommend I do at home to lessen the symptoms.

In order to prevent myself from living another 60 years in pain, and to save my family's money, suicide is mathematically the most rational decision.

Don't benzos help you?

 

[Vaba]

Don't benzos help you?

Benzos don't "help" anyone. They sedate you, knock you out, and make you stupid. You can't function while taking them. They aren't a viable long-term solution.

 

[3ri0w]

Benzos don't "help" anyone. They sedate you, knock you out, and make you stupid. You can't function while taking them. They aren't a viable long-term solution.

Yea I meant they are better option than suicide!

 

[Vaba]

Yea I meant they are better option than suicide!

How? I can't function as it is. I already spend 50% of my day sleeping, and the other 50% being tired, in pain, or laying in bed. If I took benzos, I'd have so little energy that I'd sleep all day.

That's basically the same as being dead - except I'd still waste my family's money just to survive. In that manner, being dead is better, because I won't be in pain anymore, and my family won't have to support me.

 

[3ri0w]

How? I can't function as it is. I already spend 50% of my day sleeping, and the other 50% being tired, in pain, or laying in bed. If I took benzos, I'd have so little energy that I'd sleep all day.

That's basically the same as being dead - except I'd still waste my family's money just to survive. In that manner, being dead is better, because I won't be in pain anymore, and my family won't have to support me.

Mate don't think about money! You are priceless to your family. And they would much rather support you than see you dead Take care

 

[hartje5]

@Vaba As a surviving member of a family that had to deal with suicide: I would have payed anything to keep my dad. You're thinking is definitely distorted.

 

[Philip]

People close to you have their own problems.

Some as bad, if no worse than T.

My wife had a scare with ovarian cancer. She discovered the cells on time but still it was a life and death kind of anxiety.

As much as she loves and supports me there is only so much she can listen to.

So now I never talk about it. If anyone asks I just say its almost inaudible and no longer an issue.

Why? After all my bullshit I don't want them worrying about me or my friends thinking I'm mental.

And the less its talked about, discussed, pondered etc the smaller place it has in my consciousness.

They want you to tell them you're getting on with it...and why shouldn't you?

 

[Mricha37]

It does get better. Got hit with T + H when I was 24, 8 years ago combination of loud music, TMJ disorder and stress/anxiety I suppose. Prime of my life! or so I thought. In all honesty, Tinnitus probably saved my life in a way. I was not living a very wholesome, healthy lifestyle. I love my life now! Would be even better without the ringing but it's just a reminder of a person I didn't want to be.

P.s. I hear my tinnitus over the roar of my Buell in case you are wondering how loud my T is....Hello from Atlanta, ga. Let me know if you want to chill!!

 

[Mricha37]

If you can't let your past die, you'll never let your future live!

And all you older people in here hootin and hollerin about getting tinnitus.....ya gotta feel for us young idiots with it, would have been nice to go a good 40 to 50 years without it!

It's all perspective.

 

[vegasjon]

There is T... and T.

And there is T + H + HL + constant ear pain. It does not only "suck" for some people.

+ clicking. + pulsating. + constant pressure in the ears.

So many "pluses." It's like being physically assaulted by mathematics.

 

[Philip]

Getting T ten days after I turned 30 was like the onset of an early mid life crisis...lol.

I am very against benzos and goofy meds in general because of the cognitive issues.

I hate noticing when you've become more stupid. It's depressing.

I recently had a small slip up. I was taking gabapentin about three times a week for one month a while back.

Just for kicks and deep sleep...nothing to do with T because it's useless for that. I live in a country with average temperatures of 36-38 degrees. I find that heat insufferable so for 4 weeks I got into a bad routine which was easy enough to get out of when I wanted.

It was nothing heavy or self destructive but still I stopped when my vocab started going down hill.

I have to speak in a second language every day. So I was acutely aware of my brain slowing down.

I haven't done benzos in years because I can't. But I remember they effect the mind even worse than Mickey mouse gabapentin.

The only people who should take downers for tinnitus are those who are at breaking point because of insomnia.

It should be strictly controlled by a doctor. And should only be seen as a short term solution.

 

[Vaba]

@Vaba As a surviving member of a family that had to deal with suicide: I would have payed anything to keep my dad. You're thinking is definitely distorted.

Seems like the reasons against suicide in cases of chronic illness always come down to "but your family will be upset!"

Like, it doesn't matter to people if someone's quality of life is zero, and they're in pain every day, it is their duty to remain alive and suffer from an illness their family can't understand for decades just so their family won't suffer.

 

[hartje5]

Vaba I understand you. Really I do. But you're current state isn't forever. Things change all the time, nothing is constant. You're family will be more than 'upset' I tell you. The'll be devastated, crushed. When someone commits suicide they give their pain to the ones that stay behind, forever.

Do you talk to someone in real life about this?

 

[Vaba]

Vaba I understand you. Really I do. But you're current state isn't forever. Things change all the time, nothing is constant. You're family will be more than 'upset' I tell you. The'll be devastated, crushed. When someone commits suicide they give their pain to the ones that stay behind, forever.

Do you talk to someone in real life about this?

I don't factor in feelings to this kind of thought. I just said If I choose to end my life, it will be to stop pain that doctors and my family can't. I do not care if my family will suffer. They will find a way to move on eventually.

I have the right to choose death over life; because I never asked to be forced into this agonizing reality, it is my right to choose whether or not I want to stay in it and be miserable for 21 years (my current age), or miserable for 80. There is no hope of recovery. My family is in good mental and physical health, they will power through.

Also, my current state IS probably forever. Tinnitus is probably permanent, and vitreous degeneration only gets worse. Don't talk to me about any of that "acceptance" or "habituation" bullshit.

I have been in and out of counseling and therapy for 9 years. It has never helped.

 

[hartje5]

Sorry Vaba, can't go there.

 

[Vaba]

Sorry Vaba, can't go there.

Of course you can't.

 

[Mricha37]

Vaba, sack up dude. Gotta attack life like it has attacked you.