This is my first post to the positivity thread. I seriously thought I would just be reading this thread, that there would
never come a day where I'd feel like everything is going to be okay. It's not my first good day, but my good moments used to be so rare that I'd be just waiting for them to subside. I even feared in a rather paranoid way that if I said out loud "my T seems quieter" it would come back with revenge. But here I am!
My tinnitus hell started last September, over 8 months ago. After that, it took control of my life. All sorts of sounds seemed to make it worse and any stress made it intolerable as well. I kept having setbacks: first from movies then from dental work. I really hopelessly felt it was just going worse and limiting my life more and more. Just a couple of weeks ago my T was at its worst and I was just screaming and crying for it to go away. So yes, been in a really dark place with this... But today
I finally have hope.
My loud, intrusive, ultra high frequency, multiple tones etc. tinnitus is not controlling me today. I have actually been able to feel happier and that has not happened for a long time. I don't even want to measure my T and try to compare whether it is in fact quieter or if it just feels better. It doesn't matter. What I do know is that:
- I have found wonderfully soothing masking sound that keeps my T calmer during night - it helps me to relax and sleep. (I use app called Sleep Pillow with wind chimes and chirping in forest, I can tell details if someone with different high frequency tones is in need of a good masking set-up.)
- My T doesn't feel extremely reactive these days, it's more stable instead. The volume seems to stay reasonably similar whether I stay home or go outside and predispose myself to the normal sounds of life. Perhaps I don't have to isolate myself from almost all social activities anymore. Still feeling careful, but hey, baby steps!
- Multiple tones have reduced to two main tones, one in each ear. The tones are more clear now and there is much less screeching, beeping and random fluctuation. This does make it easier to start adapt.
- More and more things seem to mask my T. Before my T would scream on top of most things, but now a dishwasher, a computer fan or the wind can mask it quite nicely.
- Now this is the most important thing! I don't want to put all of the positivity on analyzing the current state of T. This is because the best thing that is happening right now is that I don't obsess over T every waking moment. For the past week or more I don't keep constantly checking whether it has gotten worse and I don't go in full panic mode for every single dropped spoon. I do notice T, but am able to let it go. I am working towards not to fear the sound and the less I am afraid, the easier it is to ignore it more - decibel by decibel.
I hope things continue this way and let me define tinnitus, rather than it defining me.
We are not our T, it's just a small part of the wholesome persons we are. Sometimes we hit the rock bottom and feel desperate. I was at that point
just weeks ago and had been there for a long time. But now I am posting here, in a much better state of mind. Ready to battle it out and focusing to keep this new positive attitude going.
I must admit that this new hope makes me a bit afraid, too - what if there's a setback, what if I am just imagining this all etc. I also realize that phases can come and go. But I have suffered enough and I am sure all of us have! Any bit of suffering caused by T is too much. So when we get good moments, days or longer phases, let's enjoy and cherish them. No one knows what future brings, so the good moments are precious and something we can hold on to.
PS. LotR fan moment alert!
I wanted to share a certain quote with you guys. It has been important to me and somehow quite comforting. It helps me when the burden grows too heavy:
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