- Feb 28, 2019
- 120
- 24
- Tinnitus Since
- December 2018
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Unknown, possibly stress
(Disclaimer: I still have tinnitus, this is not a succes in terms of a literal cure)
I'm hesitant to post this in success stories, as I know it's not always appreciated when the success does not entail a physical improvement or the disappearance of the tinnitus itself. But for me not being suicidal anymore and having hope for a future that is barely impacted by tinnitus is a major and unforeseen success!
Some background information:
I've been struggling with life-changing tinnitus since the end of 2018, so almost three years now. I don't like to get into how it impacted me because as most of you know it can be a very traumatic experience. All I can say is I dropped everything, stopped studying, stopped leaving the house, stopped brushing my teeth. Everything. I feel like my status updates over the past years are representative of my mental state then. It's hard to even look at my history on this website. I've considered deleting everything many times, but that would feel like being dishonest. I am not going to express shame about being someone who has suffered. I am proud of how far I've come and I have immense respect for anyone with the strength and will to continue living with this terrible affliction.
My type of tinnitus is very painful to listen to (which I know is unfortunately the case for many sufferers). A bunch of different frequencies and tones of dentist-drill quality. I was stuck in the infamous fight/flight response cycle, with no relief. Like many of you, I did not sleep for a full week. After this I received sleeping medication (benzos) which I became very dependent on. Aside from that I started drinking.
I was diagnosed with several mental disorders instead of tinnitus. The ringing in my ears was seen as a side effect of psychosis and severe OCD (i.e. 'hearing things'). The physical illness itself wasn't looked at. This messed me up pretty bad, I was convinced I was going crazy. It got so bad I stopped eating and drinking. In November 2020 I went through the progress of applying for euthanasia.
Then as a last resort I turnt to masking full-time, which I believe pretty much saved my life. Once I gave myself permission to use my headphones during the day, I started tapering off of the drugs and alcohol and slowly regained some parts of my life back. For almost two years (!) I have been consistently wearing earphones for around 10 hours every day. At VERY LOW volume levels. Just the slight distraction from my own sounds was such a relief.
My tinnitus hasn't gone anywhere and I am still dependent (on masking), but it's better than the alternative. I gave up a lot, but I view this life as the opposite of the death I would've chosen and not the opposite of the life I might have lived (if I never got tinnitus). This mindset has helped a lot.
Fast forward to today: I'm sitting in the office of my audiologist, amazed. I took a video for my mom, she wanted to see the progress of getting them fitted. Here's a screenshot:
I asked my audiologist if he could hear my masking sounds (it sounded very 'real' to me) He shook his head. I didn't expect to feel so relieved.
I've put off getting hearing aids because of the financial cost, but also (I think, looking back) as a form of denial. I always told myself 'this is just temporary'... but it's not. And I have to deal with that. I have to allow myself to accept my situation and be as comfortable as I can be. I can recommend this philosophy to everyone!
Starting now I will not have to be reminded of my 'disability' whenever I go out, I won't have to dodge questions about my use of earphones (and with that, one of the most terrible times in my life!) in public. I feel a lot more free!
If anyone has any questions regarding the use of earphones or hearing aids, I'd be more than happy to answer them.
I'm hesitant to post this in success stories, as I know it's not always appreciated when the success does not entail a physical improvement or the disappearance of the tinnitus itself. But for me not being suicidal anymore and having hope for a future that is barely impacted by tinnitus is a major and unforeseen success!
Some background information:
I've been struggling with life-changing tinnitus since the end of 2018, so almost three years now. I don't like to get into how it impacted me because as most of you know it can be a very traumatic experience. All I can say is I dropped everything, stopped studying, stopped leaving the house, stopped brushing my teeth. Everything. I feel like my status updates over the past years are representative of my mental state then. It's hard to even look at my history on this website. I've considered deleting everything many times, but that would feel like being dishonest. I am not going to express shame about being someone who has suffered. I am proud of how far I've come and I have immense respect for anyone with the strength and will to continue living with this terrible affliction.
My type of tinnitus is very painful to listen to (which I know is unfortunately the case for many sufferers). A bunch of different frequencies and tones of dentist-drill quality. I was stuck in the infamous fight/flight response cycle, with no relief. Like many of you, I did not sleep for a full week. After this I received sleeping medication (benzos) which I became very dependent on. Aside from that I started drinking.
I was diagnosed with several mental disorders instead of tinnitus. The ringing in my ears was seen as a side effect of psychosis and severe OCD (i.e. 'hearing things'). The physical illness itself wasn't looked at. This messed me up pretty bad, I was convinced I was going crazy. It got so bad I stopped eating and drinking. In November 2020 I went through the progress of applying for euthanasia.
Then as a last resort I turnt to masking full-time, which I believe pretty much saved my life. Once I gave myself permission to use my headphones during the day, I started tapering off of the drugs and alcohol and slowly regained some parts of my life back. For almost two years (!) I have been consistently wearing earphones for around 10 hours every day. At VERY LOW volume levels. Just the slight distraction from my own sounds was such a relief.
My tinnitus hasn't gone anywhere and I am still dependent (on masking), but it's better than the alternative. I gave up a lot, but I view this life as the opposite of the death I would've chosen and not the opposite of the life I might have lived (if I never got tinnitus). This mindset has helped a lot.
Fast forward to today: I'm sitting in the office of my audiologist, amazed. I took a video for my mom, she wanted to see the progress of getting them fitted. Here's a screenshot:
I asked my audiologist if he could hear my masking sounds (it sounded very 'real' to me) He shook his head. I didn't expect to feel so relieved.
I've put off getting hearing aids because of the financial cost, but also (I think, looking back) as a form of denial. I always told myself 'this is just temporary'... but it's not. And I have to deal with that. I have to allow myself to accept my situation and be as comfortable as I can be. I can recommend this philosophy to everyone!
Starting now I will not have to be reminded of my 'disability' whenever I go out, I won't have to dodge questions about my use of earphones (and with that, one of the most terrible times in my life!) in public. I feel a lot more free!
If anyone has any questions regarding the use of earphones or hearing aids, I'd be more than happy to answer them.