This Is So Awful Right Now

[TalkingCat]

Well, after lurking here for years, I finally joined. Because while I've been suffering from T for many years, it's really gotten BAD in the last few days.

When I first started to notice it in 2005-ish it was mild, barely audible. The probable cause was the fact that I was in college and I wanted good marks and I had a neighbour who worked nightshift and didn't give a damn that in the other room was someone who needed her sleep. So I never got to sleep before 4 a.m. and had to get up at 6 a.m., my marks dropped and I tried to cope by working harder and got into a kind of vicious cycle that ended with me in therapy with a prescription for doxepine which I have to take to this day or I won't sleep at all). In 2003 the T upped the volume a bit but I built myself a masker/noiser for the night (consisting of an old mp3-player and cheap, small loudspeakers) and experimented with different sounds and with the help of white noise I could sleep perfectly well and since it only bothered me at night, I could live with it. Of course there were days (and nights) when nothing I did helped, when the sound (it did sound like someone whispering over static; can't explain it any better, sorry) got so bad, it nearly drove me mad but in the end I could always cope.

Then, a month ago, I had acute hearing loss in the right ear (the tinnitus ear, the other used to be OK), ran to my ENT doctor, got the cortisone shot and three cortisone infusions and it worked like a charm. This episode was caused by work related stress (my colleague got sick and my boss got cranky and took it out on me) and I was told to relax a bit more and work a bit less. So I did that and my T went back to pre-acute hearing loss levels. Then my colleague got sick AGAIN and right then I got a cold, about five days ago and starting the day before yesterday my life became HELL. Suddenly there was this sound - high-pitched, intrusive as heck, and I hear it every damn second on both ears, not just on the 'regular' T ear. It drives me mad. I tried my usual masking method but not even purple noise seems to help much. The thing is - I KNOW this sound. I've experienced it before but only for short moments. Never for days and nights on end! I mean, I can ignore it pretty well during the day. It's not so loud as to drown out conversations, TV and the like. But I hear it constantly when I concentrate on it, when I talk to someone, when I watch TV, even when I listen to music on headphones (in a low volume since I'm very cautios when it comes to volume). Of course, once I concentrate on something else and I forget about it, it's gone. And then my brain seems to remember that there was something awful and - bam! - I hear it again. I'm not new to the whole T thing. I know it's a viscious cycle. The problem is that this time I can't even mask it, there is no way out and it drives me up the walls.

And then I read on this very forum how there is basically no hope for us unfortunate people with those high-pitched sounds (of course, being the obsessive idiot I am, I measured mine online and it's in the 14 to 16 khz range) to ever habituate it because there is basically no everyday sound that will mask it. And that was sort of the final blow on my confidence. I feel like crying, like screaming, like ripping my boss (the idiot who cause my acute hearing loss AND gave me the damn cold, btw) to shreds.

I'm just so angry. When the cortisone worked I was so happy and I even booked my summer vacation and had fun and now... just a week later I'm a wreck and even though my mother says that it will get better because even if I think the cold is over it is not (admittedly, five days would be a short time for a cold) and my ears are probably still blocked and there is still fluid everywhere and slight inflammation and stuff, all I want to do is either throw things at the wall or fall into my bed and cry (but, oh, wait, then the T would be even louder! ARGH!).

tl;dr - I'm in a very dark place now that I never though that I'd find myself in again and I needed to get this off my chest.

Edit: So I just got myself some cicada sounds from Youtube and a benzo pill from my mother. Maybe that helps me get through the night.

 

[billie48]

And then I read on this very forum how there is basically no hope for us unfortunate people with those high-pitched sounds (of course, being the obsessive idiot I am, I measured mine online and it's in the 14 to 16 khz range) to ever habituate it because there is basically no everyday sound that will mask it.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry for the struggle you have with the ultra high pitch T. I don't know if the above quote on habituation is true for all people. It may be an individual thing. I don't know if I have the worst high pitch T but I do hear my T above the raging rapids in the salmon river I fish, and above the jet noise in the last few flights I took. Sometimes even shower doesn't cover mine and I have to use squeaky faucet. On top of my dog whistle T, I also had severe hyperacusis which turned all normal sounds piercingly hurtful. Like you I thought I would never habituate to my T and I didn't believe whole-heartedly when others told me that it can happen over time especially with some effective strategies like CBT, mindfulness, TRT or some alternative treatments. But never say never. I am living a normal, happy, productive and absolutely enjoyable life now. Your are relatively new with the spikes you have. So don't think catastrophically about the future at your worst time. Stay positive. This will benefit you in the long term towards habituation. Try read up the success stories where you will find people habituate to loud T, high pitch T, multi-toned T, pulsatile T, etc. etc. You just need to learn and apply some helpful strategies. Give it time and be patient. Take care. God bless.

Here is my success story:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

The most read success story 'back to silence' by IWLM after 40 years of mega T:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

 

[TalkingCat]

Thank you! I'm trying to stay positive and this morning it was almost gone but it has come back again and sometimes it feels like the 'spikes' are moving around in my head. That gives me hope that the worst will subside when the cold and the swelling in the ears (I can still feel my right ear being blocked, depending on how I turn my head) are gone but being optimistic is hard.

I read your story and I'm very moved by how you managed to overcame such heartbreak and these kinds of obstacles. And I read 'back to silence' and I try to follow his advice but, yeah, I still tend to panic when I think about having to live with this for the forseeable rest of my life.

 

[billie48]

I still tend to panic when I think about having to live with this for the forseeable rest of my life.

It is understandable to feel that way. We are just human. But this is how we can fall into the trap of the T bully to project into the future at the worst time of our suffering. This is a stressor which can drive our anxiety and panic to extreme level, and the T bully will use this as a fuel to perpetuate its loudness and therefore more anxiety and panic. You need to learn to break the viscous cycle as time move on and it will happen slowly when the normal parasympathetic nervous system returns to replace the limbic system which you are in now. Staying calm and positive will help the process of normalizing the situation to prevent the limbic system to stay long. At normal reaction to T, the prefrontal cortex will take over from the Amygdala in processing the T stimulus, and your fearful and anxious reaction to T will subside, and you will have less fear for the future and less distorted thinking. It may be a bit deep for you to understand the process. You can google search the nerve systems and those brain organs to help understand how posivitity will help tame T and negativity will worsen it due to anxiety and stress. Take care. God bless.

 

[TalkingCat]

Well, I understand the process just fine. I'm not totally new to the T-thing, it's just this new and louder and shriller mutation that overwhelms me. And I know that this is a viscious circle that feeds on my anxiety. So I wonder if the medication I tried to avoid will help. Last night I managed to sleep by upping my doxepine dose (I'm allowed that, my neurologist even told me to do that the last time the T spiked but I always tried to keep the dose as low as possible) but my mother gave me one of her Clorazepate pills (she got them because of her fear of flying) in case I still can't sleep. Well, just half a pill is basically like putting on rose-coloured glasses. I've tried one before (the occassion had nothing to do with the T) and it worked perfectly well, it's just that I try to avoid benzos, knowing how easily it is to get addicted to them. Would taking half a pill for a few days help break the feedback loop the T creates or would I get into even deeper trouble with that? I'm just so undecided...

 

[volsung37]

Be careful with benzos. They are very addictive and withdrawal from them can worsen tinnitus. Maybe once or twice a week is enough.

 

[TalkingCat]

That's what I was thinking. So I will try not to take it. I mean, I can get through the day as long as there are sounds in a moderate volume around me or I have someone to talk to or the radio or music on or the TV. I still hear the T over anything with the exception of running water but it doesn't really bother me now that I got over the first bout of panic. But it still drives me mad when it's quiet and/or at night and I decided to keep the pill and take it when nothing else helps me sleep. But I'd still hate having to take it since I'm aware of how dangerous it is.